Author's Note: I HAVE NOT READ THIS BOOK. I've only read spoilers, and from what people have told me, I have learned enough about the plot to appear as though I have. So, yeah, if I get it wrong, forgive me Twilight fans. And watch out. There are very bad things up ahead. Breaking Dawn was a very inappropriate novel, and… well. I'm just warning you now. I have a bad feeling I have to switch the rating to M, thanks to a certain hip-hop artist. But enjoy.
"I'm Edward, and I get to speak first for the first time! YAAY! And guess what? I'm getting married to Bella, who is a regular human, but also something else, but I forget what it was. Did it rhyme with cherry stew? I think so, but I forget... Oh well. Anyways, we couldn't find a piano player, so we're using Jane and her CD player instead. And I'm waiting at the altar for Bella to arrive... waiting… waiting."
"The doors are opening! And heeeeeere's Bella! –Jane presses play on CD player-"
Soulja boy off in this hoe
Watch me crank it, watch me ro—
-Jane hastily changes the song to a more wedding-esque one-
"Okay, let's get this over with, Edward. I do, you do. Can we have sex now?"
"Sure. I'm kind of in a pillow-biting mood, so yeah, don't mind me."
"EDWARD, BELLA, CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN?"
"Owch, we had sex and now I'm bruised. Oh, crap. I'm pregnant!"
"How the hell did you get pregnant? I didn't realize vampires had sex cells. In fact, I'm pretty sure our author established that we didn't..."
"Oh my God! Are you saying the baby isn't real? –sniff, sniff- How could you? Edward, how could you do this to me?!"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! GO TO HELL! I HATE YOU!"
"I'm sorry, Bella."
"It's okay, life is good, right? –creepy smile- And you're still so beautiful that I creamed myself."
"Um, yes. Yeah. I'm just gonna... go now... ALICE, HELP ME!"
"You're leaving me! Why?"
"The baby is trying to kill me!"
"Oh, don't worry. We'll just get Carlisle to rip your stomach up, right Carlisle?"
"It's a GIRL!"
"Oh, oh, Edward, can we name it something stupid?"
"Sure. How about Albus Severus?"
"No, that's a boy name. Besides, we need something even more stupid."
"Okay. What about Reneesmee Carlie, for our parents?"
"Okay! Hey look, it's Jacob. Hi Jacob!"
"Oh, I'm so sad because the girl I love and her husband had a baby, which is biologically impossible, and— LYK OMG I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR BABY."
"Um, okaaaay theeennn. Hey, Carlisle, look, I'm a vampire now!"
"Yep, that happened because of your... um... C-section, let's call it."
"YAY! –Bella hugs Renesmee-"
This insipid female vampire is embracing me. How disconcerting.
"Whoa, Edward, Renesmee has super powers! She can reveal her thoughts to me by simply touching me! And she knows such big words, like 'me' and 'is'!"
"She can reveal her thoughts by touch? That's kind of like Aro's power, but backwards... Wouldn't it be funny if ARO was actually her father?"
"Um, yeah...ahahaha... ahaha... aha... ha."
"Well, now we get to live happily ever after in peace and harmony! Yay!"
"Yep. But I have one question, that you never really answered."
"What's that, Bella?"
"ARE you gay?"
"...SAY IT OUT LOUD."
-ONE MONTH LATER-
"Hi, I'm Reneesmee and I can already speak in coherent sentences! I'm a half-vampire half-human baby who gets the best of both worlds, and I'm a Mary-Sue – I mean, I'm a... um... uh... yeah."
"Wait, what about the Volturi?"
"Alice beat them up or something and stole their lunch money, I think."
"Oh. Well, what about the werewolves? Weren't they supposed to get into a war if one of the Cullens bit somebody?"
"I don't know, but there's no war that's going to happen."
"But the author has been building it up since New Moon!"
"So? Most of the fanbase is more interested in the superficial appearance-based love between vampires, werewolves, humans, and Mary-Sues, as most of them are teenage girls and old unsatisfied women."
"Oh, okay then."
Author's Note: Credit to Soulja Boy for making Bella and Edward's wedding more awkward. It's all over now, though... They can spend the rest of time in peace and harmony, with Bella wondering if Edward is actually gay... Hope you liked it!