Sometimes I feel like I've been waiting for this my whole life. Sometimes it feels like ten seconds. In reality it's been just over a year. One year. That's what Dean's deal was and now here I am, sitting beside this sorry excuse for a grave, alone.

I wouldn't salt and burn him. No way I could do that to my brother, to the one person who meant the world to me. He gave his life for me and I wouldn't let anyone defile him any more than he already had been.

When Lilith finally came for him I was still in denial. I refused to believe that he would actually die. I believed there would be a last minute reprieve. I'd tried everything I could think of to get him out of it. I ignored him when he told me to stop, that it would only get me killed – him too, probably. I didn't care. I couldn't see the point of going on without him anyway. I'd lost Mom. I'd lost Jess. I'd lost Dad and now I'd lost Dean too.

Bobby tried to make me see sense. After it was all over, after Lilith had gone, after Ruby was gone, after everyone had gone and it was just me and Bobby, he told me that Dean would want a proper hunter's send off. But to salt and burn? What for? I knew he wasn't coming back as a vengeful spirit. I knew he likely wasn't coming back at all but I had to try. And when I did, if I succeeded, he would need a body. I convinced myself that somehow, one day, I would bring my brother back.

It took me nearly three months to work out it wasn't going to happen. Three months of trying to cope, on my own. Three months of bargaining, pleading, attempting to make deals, going against every instinct that had ever been drilled into me. Three months of failure.

I tried to numb the pain with alcohol. It's funny, the number of times I told Dean the answer to his problems wasn't at the bottom of a bottle and yet there I was. I guess I was becoming more and more like him. Along with the drink came the girls. And the hustling. And the fighting.

It's ironic that the person – the thing – that finally stopped my downward spiral was a demon. I'd cut Bobby out of my life. He made me feel every second of my failure. He didn't mean to, but he made me feel inadequate. And he was the last link I had to my life before Dean's deal fell due. It hurt too much to be around him.

Ruby blasted back into my life like a demonic whirlwind when I least expected it. She smacked the common sense back into me and made me feel again. She made me face the truth. Dean was gone and he wasn't coming back, no matter what I did. But Lilith was still out there and we could stop her.

But I had to do the one thing I'd promised my brother I would never do. I had to give myself over to my powers. Ruby would help me hone my skills. She would stay by my side, aiding and abetting in the search and ultimate destruction of Lilith. She guided me in the use and abuse of my powers and gradually I gained control over them. I was pulling demons out of innocent people without killing them every time.

Finally Ruby decided we were ready. And we had a good idea where Lilith was.

Which is why I'm here now, sitting beside this simple wooden cross, wishing I'd been able to save Dean. I'm waiting for Lilith to show her face so I can wipe that evil smile off the face of this earth and send her back where she belongs. I'm waiting to pay my dues to Dean. I'm waiting to put all this right. And I'm waiting for the time when I can go back to a normal life.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sam, or Dean, or Bobby, or anyone else that you recognise. I just like to take them out to play from time to time. I just do this for fun.