The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men characters is hidden in some bananas somewhere. Just some madness escaping from my mind. Takes place during and after Wolverine's little run in with the Hulk.
The Mutant Monkeys Have Landed
"So what exactly does this invention do, Forge?" Emma asked. "Not that I don't appreciate someone actually doing some work around here for a change."
"It's supposed to be a time machine," Forge worked on a contraption in his lab. "With it maybe we can travel to the future and see the Professor."
"That way not only can we talk to him we can get more information on this future we're supposed to prevent," Kitty explained.
"You think we could also bring the Professor back?" Bobby asked.
"Theoretically anything is possible," Hank shrugged as he looked at some papers. "Forge are you sure these calculations are correct? They look a little off to me."
"They're fine," Forge waved.
"Are you sure?" Hank asked.
"Positive," Forge finished his machine. "This baby is ready to go!"
"Shouldn't we wait for Wolverine to return?" Ororo asked. "Or at least get Cyclops out of his room?"
"If we waited for either of them we'd never turn it on," Bobby quipped. "Come on, pull the switch."
"All right," Forge picked up the hand held device. It looked like a large circular ray gun with handles on it. "Stand back. If I'm right this will open up a window through space and time and we can see the future."
"And if you're wrong?" Kitty asked.
"Uh…It might get a little messy," Forge shrugged.
"Define 'messy'?" Emma did a double take. "Are we talking Iceman's room messy or our intestines all over the lab walls messy?"
"Somewhere in between…I think…." Forge said. "Oh well here goes nothing!"
"Forge wait a second…" Hank began.
"Okay…" Forge coughed as he waved away the smoke. "That didn't work as well as I hoped!"
"No kidding!" Kitty coughed. "Ugh! This stinks worse than one of Logan's cigars! Stupid thing didn't even work!"
"Not exactly…" Emma pointed to the center of the room.
In the room were several figures wearing X-Men costumes. But they were definitely not X-Men. "Oh my…" Hank blinked. "Forge I believe you made a few slight miscalculations'."
"Not a few…Just one big one," Kitty said.
"Oh for the love of decent shoes…" Emma slapped her forehead with her hand. "Can't you maniacs do anything right?"
"This is definitely not what I expected," Ororo blinked.
In the room was a large blue gorilla. A chimpanzee wearing a visor, a white female monkey with long white hair and blue eyes, another female monkey with brown hair with a white streak in it. There was also A small monkey made of ice, a metal orangutan, a blue monkey with a devil's tail and another monkey with white wings.
"This isn't Bernie's Banana Shack isn't it?" The ice monkey asked.
"No, Ice Monkey it's definitely not," The giant blue gorilla sighed.
"Forge I don't think you made a time machine," Ororo blinked.
"Unless the theory of evolution is slightly skewed," Emma added. "I believe you made a machine that travels through different dimensions instead of time periods."
"I told you your calculations were off!" Hank said.
"I think I goofed," Forge blinked.
"No, really?" Emma asked sarcastically. "YOU THINK?"
"When I said anything was possible I didn't mean it literally," Hank blinked.
"Man," Ice Monkey blinked. "Those are the ugliest monkeys I've ever seen!"
"Except for the big blue guy," The Rogue like monkey giggled. "He's kind of cute."
"Hello there," Hank coughed. "We are the X-Men and you are…?"
"We are the X-Monkeys! I am Cy-Chimp!" The chimpanzee introduced. "That's Ice Monkey, Night Capuchin, Stormy, Rogue Ape, Beast Kong, the metal guy's Power Primate and the one with the wings is Archangel Ape."
"Let me take a wild guess," Emma held up her hand. "You fight for justice and peace in a world that hates and fears you in order to bring peace between mutant monkeys and non-mutant monkeys?"
"No, not really," Night Capuchin shrugged. "We just hang around in our tree mansion and goof off."
"Yeah we all live together because it's cheaper," Rogue Ape said. "Our leader and landlord Professor X-Apeir is constantly drunk on banana daiquiris so we pretty much do whatever we want."
"Oh goody," Emma said flatly. "Sorry about this. We were running an experiment and it obviously backfired. Don't worry. Forge will soon return you to your proper dimension."
"Yeah…Maybe…" Forge looked at the machine. "Now which one is the ground wire?" He started to fool around with it with a screwdriver. "YEOW! Not that one…"
"Ya know you're really cute," Stormy flew over to him and started massaging his arm.
"Ya an ape gal could really go for a guy with all those muscles," Rogue Ape cooed as she grabbed his other arm.
"Hey! I saw him first! Back off!" Stormy snapped.
"Excuse me? I don't see a sign on him that says Property of Stuck Up!" Rogue Ape snarled at her.
"Who are you calling stuck up you cow?" Stormy yelled as she pulled on Hank's arm. "He's mine!"
"Mine!" Rogue Ape yanked on Hank's arm too.
"OWWWWWWWWWW!" Hank wailed in pain.
"His buns of blue steel are mine so go back to Wolver-Ape if you want a date!" Rogue Ape shouted.
"That jerk? Please!" Stormy tugged on him. "Tall blue and handsome is mine!"
"That's a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen," Bobby quipped.
"Here we go again," Power Primate sighed.
"You'd be surprised how often this happens," Night Capuchin remarked.
"Blue Boy is mine!" Stormy started making lighting and thunder.
"Bring it on witch!" Rogue Ape growled.
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Hank ran for his life.
"COME BACK YOU HUNK A HUNK A BURNING APE!" Rogue Ape shouted as she and Stormy went after him.
"Look what you did! You drove him away!" Stormy yelled as they chased him around the room.
"Me? It was you that made him high tail it out of here!" Rogue Ape shouted.
"I did not!"
"YEOW-OWWWWW!" Hank yelled.
"Oh sorry Babe!" Stormy apologized. "I mean to hit her!"
"I'LL HIT YOU!" Rogue Ape yelled.
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Hank ran out of the room with the two female apes in hot pursuit.
"This is so bizarre on so many levels," Ororo groaned.
"I think I'm gonna like this dimension," Ice Monkey laughed. "Let's do this thing!"
"X-Monkeys! Cause a lot of chaos!" Cy-Chimp laughed as the monkeys fled the lab. Night Capuchin teleported out of the room with Power Primate and Cy-Chimp. Ice Monkey took the rest on an ice toboggan. The monkeys whooped with glee at the thought of causing chaos in a new place.
"Oh dear," Emma blinked. "This presents a problem."
"We have to get them back here!" Ororo shouted. "If they get loose and away from the mansion…"
"Into the general public yes Storm I think we can figure it out!" Emma groaned. "Forge!"
"I know! I know!" Forge snapped as he worked on his machine. "Fix it!"
"And if you don't we'll fix you!" Kitty snapped as they chased after the monkeys.
"We'd better…AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Emma yelled as she fell on her butt and slid down an ice covered hallway.
"That wasn't me!" Bobby shouted.
"I think we figured that out Bobby," Kitty smirked. "Although I gotta admit maybe they're not all bad."
"Why did I join the X-Men again?" Emma groaned.
Contrary to what the others believed, Scott was out of his room. He was getting himself a sandwich. He made the sandwich, turned around to get himself a drink of beer and when he turned back…
"Yum! Yum! Give me some!" Cy-Chimp was munching on the banana. "You know for something made without bananas this is good! Needs more chipotle mayo!"
"Okay I've definitely been drinking too much of this," Scott calmly put the beer back in the fridge.
"You got any banana smoothies?" Cy-Chimp hopped around the table. "I wanna bring 'em to my girl back home!"
"They were all right," Scott blinked. "I've flipped. I've lost my mind."
"Nah! Just your car keys!" Cy-Chimp laughed as he jumped on Scott's back and grabbed his keys from his pocket.
"HEY! HEY! GET OFF!" Scott shouted as he tried to get the monkey off his back.
"BABALOOOOOOOOOO!" Cy-Chimp played Scott's head like bongos for a second before he leapt off laughing.
"Okay! Figment of my imagination or not you are going down!" Scott's eyes flashed behind his glasses.
"Gotta catch me first! Ha ha ha ha!" Cy-Chimp cackled as Scott chased after him.
Logan finally walked through the door, his uniform still in shreds. "I swear one of these days I'm gonna poke Fury's other eye out! Oh well at least after today he'll know better than to mess with the Hulk again! If I never seen that green…"
"There you are!" Emma stormed up to him. "Once again you take off to who knows where and leave me alone with…What happened to you? Why is your uniform ripped like that?"
"There was a sale at Macy's," Logan told her.
"Fine, don't tell me," Emma let out a breath, too annoyed to probe his mind at the moment. "We have a problem."
"When don't we have a problem?" Logan growled.
"I'm serious, Wolverine!" Emma snapped. "While you were goofing off somewhere we've had to deal with an unusual crisis!"
"Goofing off?" Logan barked. "Do you have any idea what I just went through in order to protect this team?"
"Do you have any idea what I had to put up with when you take off and…?" Emma barked.
She was interrupted by Ice Monkey making an ice toboggan past them. "SNOW FIGHT!" He laughed as he threw a snowball at Emma.
"I hate monkeys…" Emma gritted her teeth as she wiped the snowball from her face. "I really hate monkeys! And for once I don't mean the ones I live with!"
"Was that a…?" Logan did a double take.
"A monkey that looked like Iceman with the same powers as him? Definitely," Emma sighed. "Hence the problem."
"I know this place goes bananas sometimes but I never thought…" Logan was stunned. "What the hell happened?"
"You see Forge…" Emma began.
"Got it," Logan interrupted.
"How could you get it?" Emma did a double take.
"GET BACK HERE YOU STUPID MONKEY!" Scott was heard yelling outside.
"TRY AND GET ME YOU DAMN DIRTY HUMAN!" Cy-Chimp yelled back.
"You said Forge and there are two baboons running around blasting everything in sight with optic blasts," Logan looked out the window. "And since only one of them is ours, I'm assuming Forge made some kind of dimensional do hickey that brought it and a few other monkeys into our home. Am I right?"
"Technically the other monkey is a chimpanzee but I'll give it to you," Emma shrugged. "I must admit, I didn't think you'd deduce it so fast."
"Ah when you've been around the X-Men as long as I have you tend to notice a pattern to these things," Logan shrugged as pieces of the ceiling fell down.
"A rather destructive pattern," Emma sighed.
"I was better off with the Hulk…" Logan groaned.
"He he he…" Archangel Ape flew by wearing one of Kitty's pink dresses.
"COME BACK HERE WITH MY DRESS YOU PERVERTED PRIMATE!" Kitty chased after him.
"Does the Wicked Witch of the West know she's misplaced a flying monkey?" Logan asked.
"If not she'll find out soon enough!" Kitty fumed. "WHEN I SHIP HIS COLD DEAD BODY TO HIM!"
"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!" The winged monkey sang.
"If you don't give me back my dress you're gonna feel my boot on your…" Kitty began to say several words that even Logan didn't know the meaning of.
"Whoa, didn't know Pryde had a mouth on her," Logan winced.
"You obviously don't spend a lot of time in the women's lavatory," Emma sighed.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Hank ran for his life.
"COME BACK HOT STUFF! WHOO HAAAAA!" Rogue Ape chased after Hank.
"Forget it! He's mine!" Stormy flew ahead of her.
"IN YOUR DREAMS!" Rogue Ape yelled.
"On the bright side it seems we finally found some dates for Beast," Logan blinked.
"YEOWWWWWWWW!" Hank was heard yelling.
"Sorry! My aim is off today!" Stormy called out.
"Get off my back!" Forge danced around with Night Capuchin tormenting him. "GET THE MONKEY OFF MY BACK!"
"Hoo hoo ha ha!" Night Capuchin laughed hysterically. "Dance human! Dance!"
"Cowabunga dude!" Beast Kong laughed as he rolled by on a skateboard.
"Come back with my skateboard! HEY!" Bobby snapped as he was hit from behind by a snowball.
"Hit the human! Win a cookie!" Ice Monkey laughed. He and Power Primate were throwing snowballs everywhere.
"That is not cool dude!" Bobby snapped. He was hit in the face with a snowball. "Big mistake monkey!" He iced up and created some snowballs of his own. Soon it was a full blown snowball war in the foyer.
"BOBBY! KNOCK IT OFF!" Kitty shouted as she was caught in the snowball crosshairs.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Both Scott and Cy-Chimp skated across the ice covered floor.
"Come back here!" Ororo shouted as she flew after Stormy. Both threw wind and lighting bolts at each other.
"YEOW! ENOUGH WITH THE LIGHTNING BOLTS ALREADY!" Hank screamed as another of Stormy's bolts went off course.
"So fearless leader," Emma looked at Logan. "How do you suggest we solve this problem?"
"I got some knock out gas in the war room I've been saving for a special occasion," Logan told her. "Think that will work?"
"That depends," Emma said. "Are you only going to use it on the monkeys?"
"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Forge danced around with Night Capuchin on his back then fell on the floor. "WHOAAAAAAAAAA!"
"FORGE GET OFF ME!" Kitty shouted. "BOBBY! STOP THROWING SNOWBALLS AT ME!"
"Sorry Logan! My aim's a little off!" Bobby called out.
"Let's just say I'm not gonna be that fussy," Logan's eye twitched as he wiped off the snowball from his face.
"Oh well in that case I'll join you," Emma said.
Twenty minutes, some knockout gas and a lot of threats later…
"And stay out of our dimension!" Logan barked as he used the dimensional transport machine to remove the monkeys. "Okay is that all of them?"
"I believe so," Hank sighed. He had a bandage around his head and one on his left arm.
"Good!" Logan used his claws to destroy the machine.
"So we are all in agreement that Forge will never build another machine like that and we will never speak of this day again?" Ororo asked.
Everyone agreed. "Oh yeah. Definitely," Forge agreed.
"Never again…" Kitty growled. "I got monkey hair and feathers all over my clothes! Forge you are so paying for my dry cleaning!"
"Should have stayed with the Hulk," Logan moaned.
"My head hurts," Hank moaned. "As well as the rest of my body."
"Anybody else want a banana smoothie?" Bobby asked.
"Why not?" Ororo sighed.
"Can I put alcohol in mine?" Scott asked.
"Maybe having you people do nothing between missions isn't such a bad thing after all?" Emma groaned as she left the room.