Rating: R overall swearing and sexual situations
The Gist of Things: Kaoru fears he is losing his twin to Haruhi's charms. Who would have thought Tamaki and Kyouya would be the ones to help him out?
A/N: Story takes place at Misuzu's hotel in Karuizawa, referencing episodes 15 & 16. :) Props to kccreation for introducing me to Ouran; I blame her for all obsessions that I take on from this anime.
In Greek mythology they say there was a beautiful boy, Narcissus, who loved himself and none other. All lovers he spurned, discontent, and so the gods cursed him to look upon his reflection in a stream for ever and always. He caressed and kissed the reflection of himself, crying out how cruel it was that he could not be with his one true love. He wasted away there by the beautiful stream in the forest.
I could die happily like that with you, Hikaru.
There is no moonlight at Misuzu-san's hotel in Karuizawa tonight. The bay windows encompass full, dark clouds and nothing else. The roses overflow on the windowsill, their scent cloying on the cool air. It seems all my life I have smelled roses. Hikaru is not gentle tonight. He seldom is any more, not since Haruhi joined the Host Club. The bed is also smaller than I'm used to, my head almost hanging over the edge of bed after being tackled. He looms over me, a face the same as mine yet not the same. Not any more. Now that our world is not just the two of us, there is a terrible, jagged wedge between us. Suddenly we are not entirely the same.
I let him tear off my shorts. I had been getting ready for bed when he came in, eyes hidden by his bangs. "Hikaru," I said, and then he had pushed me and the bed had seemed hard. The sheets were suddenly rough. The air is so cool here; it's hard to remember that hours before we were sweating under a summer sun. He enters me, my twin, with my leg over his shoulder. I am bared to him. I bite my lip, denying him the satisfaction of even a small moan. He moves immediately, giving me no time to adjust. Hikaru...I know you're still angry about Arai, how Haruhi smiled at him so easily. You think that if someone does not save their whole heart for you then they are denying you everything. You're angry because I pretended to be you to apologize. You're unused to it; we never used to apologize for anything when it was just us. I understand your resentment.
One particularly rough thrust gets a groan past my throat. I feel so abraded and used. I don't know if what we're doing can be called 'making love'. I think that right now I'm just someone to fuck. I love the way your eyes are half-lidded; you look like a savage feline predator. I've never been able to look like that. You're victorious, triumphant because you know that once a sound passes my lips, I can't stop myself. It's so painful—we've never done it without lube before, without preparation and deliberation—but that just seems to make you happier. You're happy to hurt me and I'm happy to accept whatever you'll give me, as long as you'll just pay attention to me. You were afraid when I pushed Haruhi out of the way of that tumbling vase; you hate being out of control. Everything has a plan, a purpose to you. A bead of sweat rolls down your temple. I want to lick it away.
Suddenly you stop rutting against me and I think that's even worse than feeling violated. I want nothing more than for you to move, to help us both reach the point of no return. My body is gripping you so tightly. Every time we come together, I worry it's the last. Soon I'll know what it's like to be alone.
"What are you thinking about, Kaoru?" you ask so easily, your eyes almost bored. I can see that you don't understand me.
And the hatred wells up inside me like blood that wells up beneath a wound. Maybe I'm the weaker twin, but we've both always had a scathing way with words. I think it just hurts worse because I can read you like a book and suddenly I'm an enigma to you. How could you not know what your other half is thinking? We share the same eyes, the same body; how could you not see my heart reflected there?
"You should be with Haruhi." I shouldn't be saying it. Why am I saying it? I've held it in this long but the pain is driving me crazy. Relentless, throbbing. I can't fight against it. "You want to do this to her, right? You'd rather be inside her than me. You want to kiss her, touch her..."
Now I've said it and you're really angry. I'm not ready but it's going to happen whether I am or not. You shove my leg against my chest; the first thrust almost makes me scream. How could it hurt so badly? It burns but I'm too stubborn to beg you to stop. Your face is so close to mine, a reflection of me and yet not. I've hit your sore spot, your weak point, and I expect nothing less than you paying me back in spades. My eyes fall closed; it's too painful to see your anger at me. I could have kept my mouth shut. I know you don't want to hear anything from me.
"What are you doing? Open your eyes, Kaoru." You're so angry, so frustrated. That's not my fault, Hikaru, you stubborn jackass.
"My eyes are closed so I can imagine I'm with someone. You should close yours so you can fantasize about Haruhi..."
You're so rough; I don't know why I keep kindling your wrath. Somehow the pain is worse when I can't see; your fingers dig into my wrists. I hope that there are bruises in the morning, something from you. Only a day before your shaking fingers brushed the cut on my cheek, so soft. I could only hold your hand, whisper, "I'm fine." There was love in your eyes, but not the love I want. I want to see myself reflected in the same green eyes I own, my heart's desire echoed in you. My fingers curl against your grip, back arching; even if you don't want to be with me, you can't help but try to satisfy me. You know my body, the way to please me on the inside. Beneath my eyelids I'm remembering a sunny day when we languidly made love, your skin glowing in autumn sunshine, mouth hot. We ignored the incessant ringtone of our lord, Tamaki, the only sound in the room besides my embarrassing mewls. Our limbs mixed together until we were one. I know that your ego is insulted when you think I could be fantasizing about someone else, but I always think of you. It's always you in my dreams, Hikaru, even if I'm not in yours.
I'm so happy for you because you love Haruhi; I hope you feel it in the touch of my fingers laced with yours. I have always been your support. I've made the arrangements and tomorrow you'll have the date with Haruhi that you've wanted for months now. My heart aches because even as you drift apart from me and discover yourself, I'm afraid that all I want in life is you. I'm afraid that all I have in life is to desire you. Without you, I know I am lost. I will eventually lose you, I know. I'm so selfish to want to keep you to myself.
Even though you never make a sound when you orgasm, I always know the exact moment. You clutch so tightly at my wrists, face buried against my shoulder. Your breath flutters once against my collarbone, then you're gone, leaving your cold sweat on my skin. There's one beautifully small bruise on my left wrist, right against the pulse. You have my heart trapped.
"I'm going to go take a bath." You say it so nonchalantly and the message is clear: I'm not invited. I can't help but smile at the ceiling. I wouldn't love you like I do if you weren't so ill-tempered. I don't think I can move, my body is so pained. I'm a mess. I look past the splendid red roses piled across the windowsill and outside the bay window. The clouds outside are dark and full gathered in the sky. It looks like a storm is on its way.