A/N: Another HitsuMatsu one-shot, this time focusing on Hitsugaya. And it isn't angsty, not really. Yay for me! A happy one-shot. Rather, a happy song-fic. 8-)

Inspired by "Next Contestant" by Nickelback. Another wonderful group well worth listening to. I love them, mostly because a lot of their songs are about sex, and a lot of people don't realize it. You know, the whole "forest for the trees" thing. They do a wonderful job with them. Lol.


I judge by what she's wearing
Just how many heads I'm tearing
Off of assholes coming on to her
Each night seems like it's getting worse

It was like her own personal form of torture for him. She drug him out and she was dressed in something that showed off her cleavage, just enough, and all the right curves. And it was worse if she was angry with him, for whatever reason. Tonight, though, it was just normal. Well, whatever defined normal for her.

And I wish she'd take the night off
So I don't have to fight off
Every asshole coming on to her
It happens every night she works

"Please? Let's stay home tonight. We'll even go to the Living world for the night if you want." A weak suggestion, but, he had to try.

"But, I promised I'd be there. I've already stood them up for you three times this week alone. I have to go." Not that he hadn't expected that. But, if that was going to be her attitude, he sure as hell was going with her. She was more than just his fukutaicho now, and he intended to keep it that way.

No matter how many men he had to hospitalize from loss of limb. Or life.

They'll go and ask the DJ
Find out just what would she say
If they all tried coming on to her
Don't they know it's never going to work

There went numbers one, two, and three. She always turned them down, usually before they could even make a comment about the 'Shorty' with her.

At least he could take some small comfort in knowing that she didn't want anyone else. Short or not, he made sure she was more satisfied and well-provided for than any other lover she had ever had. Really, she was more spoiled than the first grandchild of a family.

Not that these idiots knew that. He didn't have to worry about her 'buddies' as they knew well enough what his wrath entailed. It was the other fools who couldn't comprehend the meaning of the 'Shorty' sitting with her in his lap. How they missed that point, he didn't understand.

They think they'll get inside her
With every drink they buy her
As they all try coming on to her
This time somebody's getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

And, enter fool number four, stage up-right. And he's 'armed' with a drink. The white crested taicho fumed as the idiot tried some stupid pick-up line on his girlfriend. Now the drink offer. And she took it.

And he glared at them both. Her for taking the drink, free or not, and him for trying to pick up someone else's girlfriend. Did they have to start having sex in public to make it any more obvious?

Oh, good heavens. He was going to kill someone. And it looked like four was someone's very unlucky number tonight.

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you'd do it again
I'll watch you leave here limping

I wish you'd do it again
I'll watch you leave here limping

There goes the next contestant

He touched her. The fool had the audacity to touch her. Oh, no, no, no. No one touched his girlfriend without his express written consent. The young taicho gently removed his fukutaicho from his lap, pushing her into the seat beside them, and stood, bristling, to his full five feet three inches.

Not intimidating, but the burst of reiatsu was enough to draw attention to him. That was scary. And the ice dragon was itching to be used. He wanted some stress relief as much as his wielder, it seemed.

Before he drew the zanpakuto, the white crowned male took a moment to reflect on all of the fools he'd encountered, and the last few attempts at ass-kicking he'd made.

I even fear the ladies
They're cool but twice as crazy
Just as bad for coming on to her
Don't they know it's never going to work

Each time she bats an eyelash
Somebody's grabbing her ass
Everyone is coming on to her
This time somebody's getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

There was the woman who'd tried to put the moves on his girlfriend. Interrupting them at a time when they were very obviously expressing some sort of desire for one another physically.

No one grabbed his fukutaicho's ass but him. Unless she was in the Fourth for a doctor visit. And all but Unohana were terrified of him if they stepped out of line anyway. And he trusted Unohana. She was too worried about Ukitake to worry about finding a girlfriend.

It was bad enough the men were trying to get to her, but the women, too? He was fully against hitting women, especially, when not necessary. But interrupting an intense making-out was grounds for an exception.

At least Unohana was forgiving. He'd only broken a few bones, and the insane woman was alive and well otherwise.

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you'd do it again
I'll watch you leave here limping

I wish you'd do it again
I'll watch you leave here limping

There goes the next contestant

And then one man who had gone so far as to actually lift her. With his hand on her chest. If they thought some fool touching her ass was bad, they definitely wanted to leave her chest alone.

That one barely made it out alive. And Unohana was less eager to forgive that one, until she discovered it was some perv she'd had to fight off herself. Then Unohana smiled brightly to the young taicho, telling him he'd done a wonderful service to women everywhere.

I'm hating what she's wearing
Everybody here keeps staring
Can't wait 'til they get what they deserve
This somebody's getting hurt

Here comes the next contestant

He hated it, and he loved it. He loved it, because she knew, even if he wouldn't speak it aloud, that he loved to see her dressed like she was. But, he hated it, too. Because every time they went out, rather, she went out and he was forced along, there was always some asshole trying to get to her.

But tonight, the asshole had gone a bit too far. And neither the young male nor the ice dragon had had a decent battle in far too long.

Is that your hand on my girlfriend?
Is that your hand?
I wish you'd do it again
I'll watch you leave here limping

I wish you'd do it again
I'll watch you leave here limping

I wish you'd do it again
Each night seems like it's getting worse
I wish you'd do it again
This somebody's getting hurt

There goes the next contestant

A few quick swings, a muttering of words, and the bar was covered with ice. The fool trying to touch his woman was encased in ice, being left by anyone of any intelligence to thaw in his own time.

She squealed happily when he picked her up and flew off. The ice dragon rumbled in approval, enjoying the thrill of a rage-induced battle. It wasn't a good idea in war-times or against hollows, but against some drunkard it was a wonderful feeling.

Landing in front of their rooms, he decided he'd explain things to Unohana and the soutaicho later. At the present, though, she was teasingly removing articles of her clothing, and he was going to enjoy it.

And when she shoved him into a chair, straddling him tauntingly, he decided he might let her go out a little more often like this if it always ended this way.