A/N: If you hate this, it's fine with me. I just had fun writing it. :) It's written like a play just because I felt like it, lol. No other reason. The characters may be out of character, but it's supposed to be funny so that's why.

Settings and other actions in the scene are in bold. Things going on in the movie are in italics. Talking is regular. Actions of the people talking are in (parentheses.)
Apparently, I have to illustrate this because you guys don't know what bold is. Lol. I don't know why I did that, I'm in a weird mood I guess.

Also, I know there are other fics out there about the same thing, but I just wanted to try it. Don't flame me because there are others. I didn't copy them. I just wanted to use this idea.

Muggle Movies

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are in the Gryffindor Common room after dinner. There are a few other students around, but most are doing homework and are not listening to the trio's conversation.

HERMOINE: I don't know about you two, but I'm going to get a head start on my Transfiguration essay.

RON: (rolls his eyes) Hermione, that isn't due for another 2 weeks!

HERMIONE: Well, I like to complete things early. That way I can do a bit of light reading.

HARRY: (sarcasticly) Light reading to you is a 899 page book. Like The Goblet of Fire.

I realize that the Goblet of Fire is not 899 pages, Harry is exaggerating.

RON: (bemused look upon face) Goblet of Fire?

HERMIONE: (huffily) Honestly! Have you not read the books about us?

RON: (getting excited) There are books about us? Am I in them? Do I look good?

HARRY: I got them from the library near the Dursleys house. (just realizing what Ron said before) It's a book. How are people supposed to see you?

RON: (slowly) Oh. Right. Of course.

Hermione starts flipping through her Transfiguration book with a holier-than-thou look on her face.

HERMIONE: If I were you, I'd go to a Muggle library and read up on us.

RON: What's the point of reading about us if I lived it?

HERMIONE: (in a Professor McGonagall type voice..aka stern) There's always more to learn, Ron. You could always use a new perspective. Honestly, this J.K.Rowling has you down to a tee.

HARRY: (sensing Ron was going to say something rude--he was) Heard any news on the movie front?

HERMOINE: The Philosopher's Stone...Sorcerer's Stone in America...?

HARRY: (with an 'of course' expresssion) Ah, yeah.

HERMIONE: It's out next week. I read about it in a Muggle magazine my mum and dad had at their dental office.

RON: What are you two jabbering about?

HARRY: They're making a movie about us.

RON: (excited) Really? A Muggle movie?

HERMIONE: Yes. With actors and everything. You know, Ron, you really should have taken Muggle Studies.

RON: (scoffs) I've never seen a Muggle movie, maybe we should go.

HERMIONE: We're at school. We'd have to go clear to London to see it.

RON: Well, we can Apparate. How long will it take us to learn that?

HERMIONE: (a bit hysterical) How many times do I have to tell you! You can't Apparate or Disapparate inside the Hogwarts grounds! Plus, it would take us a year or so to even learn it!! Then we'd have to get it okayed by the Ministry!

RON: (ignoring Hermione, turning to Harry) Do you want to go?

HARRY: (thinking) Well, I 'spose. I mean it would be cool.

RON: (happily) YES!

HERMIONE: You'll have to ask Dumbledore. Get his permission and you probably could go while everyone else is at Hogsmeade this weekend.

HARRY: You want to go?

HERMIONE: I....guess so. Sure. I've read a few things about the actors. They seem to be pretty good. (she blushes slightly but Harry and Ron take no notice.)

Everyone is now in Muggle London. Harry and Ron got Dumbledore's permission to go to the movie. Dumbledore told them they'd have to count it was a field trip and would have to write an essay comparing themselves with the actors who portray them. The essay would also have to include how real the movie is...and how much it is like real life. He asigned himself, Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape (Ron was highly against this) to acompany them. Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson were going as well. (For no apparent reason except to provide color comentary) Oh wait, Malfoy wanted to have a good laugh at Harry's expense. Pansy's going because she's Malfoy's shadow.

In line for the tickets......

HERMIONE: There are quite a lot of people here aren't there?

HARRY: (looking around) Yeah.

RON: (jumping with excitment) I wish this line would hurry up! I wonder what I look like?

MALFOY: (sneering, as usual) Calm down, Weasley. If this movie is starring Potter, it can't possibly be worth the money.

A girl, about 11, comes up to them. In the middle of her forehead is a lightning bolt shaped scar and she is wearing circular glasses with tape keeping them together.

GIRL: (to Harry) You look so much like Harry Potter! (screeches)

HARRY: (scared) Er....yeah.....I get that a lot. (Desperatly trying to cover scar with fringe....er bangs.)

Malfoy laughs loudly.

GIRL: (sees Malfoy) DRACO MALFOY!!!!! (screeches) You look just like him!

MALFOY: (stops laughing, now scared.) Er....yeah....I....er get that a lot.

PANSY: (taking Malfoy's arm) He's mine, go away.

GIRL: (gives Pansy death glare and walks away)

MALFOY: I think maybe Potter has a bigger fan club than I thought.

HERMIONE: He doesn't, it's this actor that plays him. Muggle girls between the ages of 8 and 14 are in love with him.

MALFOY: (laughing and sneering at the same time, no small feat even for him.) Girls like Potter?

HERMIONE: Girls like the actor who plays Harry.

RON: Do YOU like him, Hermione? (trying not to laugh)

HERMIONE: Of course not! (blushes)

McGONAGALL: (rushing them forward) Hurry up, better get in and get good seats.

SNAPE: If I didn't know better, Minerva, I'd think you were excited to see this movie.

McGONAGALL: Oh hush up, Severus. I am interested to see who is portraying you. I wonder if he'll have his hair as shiny as yours?

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE: (silent laughter)

DUMBLEDORE: (looking highly amused by everyone's conversations.) Move along, children. (hands out tickets)

All are seated in the theatre. Seating is as follows-
Snape, Pansy, Malfoy,McGonagall
-and behind them-
Dumbledore, Hermione, Harry, Ron

MALFOY: (drawling) Why do I have to sit in front of him? (looks back angrily at Harry, who grins happily back)

SNAPE: (seriously) I am highly sorry, Mr. Malfoy. (looks back at grinning Harry) Do not try anything, Potter. I'll take 5 points from Gryffindor before you can say unfair.

HARRY: (smile vanishes) Yes, sir.

RON: (whispers) We really should get some candy or something to throw at them. It'd probably stick in their hair....being so greasy and all.

Harry laughs loudly, but gets quieted by Professor McGonagall's stern look.

PANSY: (looking at Draco, shooting daggers at Harry) I'm sorry too, Draco. Don't worry, I'm here.

Malfoy, replused, pulls out of Pansy's grasp. She grabs him again and he stands up quickly, his elbow connecting with Harry's nose.

HARRY: OW, you git! (stopping blood flow)

SNAPE: 5 points from Gryffindor!

McGONAGALL: 5 points from Slytherin!

Dumbledore taps Harry's nose slightly with his wand and the blood stops.

DUMBLEDORE: (keeping the peace as usual) 5 points to both Gryffindor and Slytherin.

McGONAGALL & SNAPE: (gawking at Dumbledore as if he's a mad man.) What?

DUMBLEDORE: (chomping casually on lemon drops.) Miss Granger?

HERMIONE: Yes, Professor?

DUMBLEDORE: Would you mind going and getting us some snacks? I'm sure Miss Parkinson will accompany you.

HERMOINE: (horrified, but nodds.) Yes, sir.

Dumbledore hands Hermione some money. Hermione and Pansy get up, slid out of their rows and leave the theatre.

RON: (jumping with excitment again) When do you think it will start?

HARRY: (never been to a Muggle theatre before) Dunno.

DUMBLEDORE: There will be a few...Muggles call them previews...then the movie will start.

10 minutes later, after much bickering, Hermione and Pansy return, each carrying a large amount of snacks. Hermione hands popcorn to both Ron and Harry. Pansy gives Malfoy some twizzlers. Snape gets some sour patch kids. Professor McGonagall gets M&M's. Dumbledore gets popcorn and a candy bar. Hermione and Pansy both have popcorn. Everyone has drinks.

RON: (looking at his coke) What is this?

HERMIONE: (sternly) You really should have taken Muggle Studies.

RON: (glares at Hermione.) Don't talk school when we're at the movies.

HARRY: (breaking up the fight) That's coka cola. A popular Muggle beverage.

Ron drinks his coke happily and eats his popcorn. He's never had either and is every enthusiastic.

RON: (to Malfoy) Oi! Can I have some of those?

MALFOY: (stunned, hands him the twizzlers) Knock yourself out.

Pansy hands Malfoy her popcorn as she digs some carrot sticks out of her pocket.

DUMBLEDORE: (amused) Why, Miss Parkinson, I didn't realize you were a rabbit.

PANSY: (very angry, but doesn't say anything)

MALFOY, HARRY, RON & HERMIONE: (semi-silent laughter)

Lights dim, previews start.

RON: (very loudly) WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Many people look angrily at Ron. Some laugh.

RON: (looks angry and confused) That is NOT me. That is a girl! HARRY! They made you a girl!

HARRY: (whispers) That's not me, Ron! Shhhhh.

HERMIONE: You REALLY should take Muggle Studies, Ron. That's a Muggle actress. This is a preview.

RON: (too excited to get mad. Ignores Hermione.)

MALFOY: Weasley, do everyone a favor and shut up.

HARRY: Shut up, Malfoy.

MALFOY: Shut up, Potter.

SNAPE: 200 points from Gryffindor!!! Stop disrupting the group, Potter!

HARRY: (hissing angrily) He started it!

McGONAGALL: 200 points from Slytherin!

DUMBLEDORE: (tired of the bickering) 200 points to BOTH Slytherin and Gyrffindor.

RON: Yeah! Go Dumbledore! Go Dumbledore!

HERMOINE: (hits Ron on the shoulder.) Shut up, Ron! The movie's starting!

Sure enough, the movie version of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone began materializing on the screen. Ron was completely entranced. He was very surprised at how his life was coming TO life on the screen.

RON: (fondly, much like his father) Those Muggles. What will they think of next?

Privet Drive comes into view and screen Dumbledore takes out his Put-Outer, diminishing the street of light.

Screen Dumbledore: I thought I'd be seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.

McGONAGALL: That doesn't look like you, Albus!

DUMBLEDORE: You don't think so? There is a rather good likeness, I'd say. The beard could be a tad longer. (admires his own beard)

Professor McGonagall transfigures herself into a human...from a cat.

Screen McGonagall: Good evening, Professor Dumbledore.

They start walking to number four, Privet Drive.

Screen McGonagall: Are the rumors true, Albus?

McGONAGALL: (angrily) They do have the Transfiguration part quite right. But....Well! She doesn't look like me at all.

Everyone looks at her, looks back at the screen and give her strange looks. The two look exactly the same.

Dumbledore and McGonagall greet Hagrid. Hagrid hands them baby Harry.

MALFOY: (quietly to Harry) That git, Hagrid, is a lot bigger than that. (Pauses) How sweet, there's little Potter.

HARRY: Shut up, Malfoy.

SNAPE: (listlessly) 5 points. (seemingly enjoying the movie.)

MALFOY: From who?


MALFOY: 5 points from who?

SNAPE: Oh nevermind, Malfoy.

Harry's scar lights up, title is shown, 10 year old Harry wakes up in cupboard under the stairs.

HARRY: That's me?

HERMIONE: OOOOOooooh. (leans further in her seat) That's Daniel Radcliffe.

RON: (not taking eyes off screen) Who?

HERMIONE: Daniel Radcliffe. He's 12, he plays Harry in the movie. He was in David Copperfield on the BBC as well.

RON: You seem to know an awful lot about him.

MALFOY: (turning around in seat) She probably fancies him.

PANSY: Well, there's no need to wonder why.

Hermione and Pansy look at each other, smile and start to giggle.

Malfoy, Ron and Harry all shake their heads and go back to the movie.

Screen Dudley pushes screen Harry back into his cupboard and runs into the kitchen.

MALFOY: Good GOD, Potter. Is that big oaf your cousin?

HARRY: No, he's a lot heavier than that. That guy is right skinny in comparison.

RON: How true.


Screen Harry is taking 'bacon' out of the frying pan. To Americans, that is ham. But whatever.

Screen Harry: Yes, Aunt Petunia.

MALFOY: (looks back at Harry) THAT is your family? No wonder you're so disagreeable.

HARRY: ME! Disagreeable! HA!

DUMBLEDORE: (breaking in) Oh look Harry, here's the reptile house.

The reptile house at the zoo comes into view.

RON: Didn't you say Dudley's friend went with you?

HARRY: Yeah, Piers.

Screen Harry is pushed onto floor by Dudley.


PANSY: You go girl! Look how beautiful his eyes are when they light up!

MALFOY: I think Pansy and Granger aren't telling us something.


Hagrid gets Harry at the hut on the rock. The Leaky Cauldron comes into view.

DUMBLEDORE: That is so realistic, you'd think they'd been there. Oooh (tuts) there's poor Professor Quirrell.

McGONAGALL: He did try to kill Harry, you do remember that?

DUMBLEDORE: Of course I do, Minerva.

Harry is in Olivanders. Trying out second wand.

HARRY: It DID NOT happen that way! I didn't bust anything!


MALFOY: I really think they fancy you, Potter.

RON: Shut up, Malfoy.

MALFOY: Don't worry Weasley, if you're as devilshly good looking in this movie as you are in real life, they'll run screaming from the room and never come back.

Ron glares angrily, but remembers the movie and turns back.

Harry and Hagrid are eating.

Harry: You know, Hagrid. I know you do.

Hagrid begins to tell story of Voldemort. Harry's house comes into view.

HARRY: Is that---my house?

DUMBLEDORE: Looks rather like it, I'd say. Right in Godric's Hollow.

SNAPE: Wow. (looking at Screen Lily.) She looks just like her.

HARRY: She looks like my Mum? (he has apparently forgotten that he's seen his mother in photos and the Mirror of Erised)


Screen Lily screams and falls to the ground. Green light all around.

HARRY: (choking back tears) That's awful. Is that---?

DUMBLEDORE: (nodding) Yes, that's what happened. Mostly.

MALFOY: Oh, dry your eyes, Potter. It's just a movie.

DUMBLEDORE: (solemnly) It's his real life, Mr. Malfoy.

Harry is very stricken seeing his 'mother' die. He wants to leave the theatre, but the hope of being able to make fun of the actor who is Malfoy, keeps him in his seat.

Platform 9 3/4

Mrs. Weasley: Packed with Muggles of course.

Harry steers his little trolly thing after them.


HERMOINE: Oooooh. And Fred and George......

PANSY: And----who's that other guy?


PANSY: Oooooh. (nods) Ron, you are----
HERMIONE: You're not bad looking, Ron. In this movie.

RON: (scowls, tears his eyes from screen.) What do you mean, 'in this movie'?


Harry: (to Mrs. Weasley) Excuse me! Can you tell me----

Mrs. Weasley: How to get on the platform dear? Yes, of course. It's Ron's first time too.

Harry looks at Ron. Ron grins.


MALFOY: Potter looks less than pleased to meet you.

HARRY: Shut up.

MALFOY: Honestly, how daft can you get, Potter? Didn't know how to get on the platform? (laughs a little)

Hogwarts Express chugging along the British countryside.

Ron: Mind if I sit here? Everywhere else is full.

Ron sits in the compartment with Harry. They introduce each other.

Ron: I'm Ron Weasley by the way.

Harry: Harry Potter.

Ron: Are you really?

Harry pulls back his hair, revealing his scar.

Ron: Wicked!

MALFOY: Wicked? It's just an ugly scar!

HERMIONE: Shut up, Malfoy.

Snack Witch: Anything from the trolly, dears?

Ron: (holds up sandwiches) No thanks, I'm all set.

Harry: (digging around in pockets) We'll take the lot.

MALFOY: Poor Weasley doesn't have any money.

McGONAGALL: Mr. Malfoy---


McGONAGALL: I'm going to take points, Malfoy, very soon. Be quiet.

MALFOY: I'll tell my father.


HERMIONE: Here I come!

Ron is about to perform spell on Scabbers.

Hermione: Have you seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one.

MALFOY: Granger, I had no idea you were good looking under all those books.

HERMIONE: Shut up, Malfoy.

Hermione: (looks at Ron) Are you doing magic? Let's see it then.

MALFOY: (shakes head) You are good looking, Granger. I had no idea.

HERMIONE: (blushing) Oh be quiet.

PANSY: Yeah, Draco. Be quiet. Don't say things you don't mean.

MALFOY: That spell was so pathetic, Weasley, even for you. And where am I? We met in Madame Malkins, remember?

HARRY: Yeah, but if I don't have to see you for a few more minutes, all is well in the world.

MALFOY: (scowls) Shut up, Potter.

First years are arriving at Hogwarts, walking up the stairs to Professor McGonagall.

McGONAGALL: Honestly! I wish she'd fix her hat!

MALFOY: (screaming like a girl) There I am! There I am!

PANSY: There's Draco!

RON: You know, I look rather good.

HERMIONE: I'll say.

Ron looks at her with a confused expression on his face, but turns back to the movie when Malfoy speaks.

Malfoy: It's true then, what they're saying on the train? Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts.

MALFOY: I'm a devishly good looking devil, aren't I?

PANSY: Yes you are!

Malfoy: This is Crabbe...and Goyle. And I'm Malfoy...Draco Malfoy.

HERMIONE: Bond. James Bond.


HERMIONE: Line from a Muggle movie.

Ron snickers at Malfoy's name.

Malfoy: Think my name is funny, do you? No need to ask who you are, red hair and a hand-me-down robe. You must be a Weasley.

SNAPE: Right on, Draco.


RON: I never even laughed at your name. On the outside.

Malfoy: You'll soon learn that some wizard familes are better than others, Potter. I can help you there.

Holds out hand.

Harry: (looks down at hand, then back up at Draco) I think I can tell for myself, thanks.


MALFOY: You're stupider on screen than in real life, Potter.

HARRY: Yeah? Well, your hair is all blonde and greasy. And your front teeth are really large.

MALFOY: (laughing) Snappy comeback.

All three Professors shush the boys.

PANSY: (to Harry) I think he's rather good looking. (to Draco) On screen and off.

Harry and Ron roll their eyes.

HERMIONE: I agree.

Malfoy, Harry and Ron all turn to look at her. Malfoy grins evily. Ron and Harry look dumbstruck.


Sorting Ceremony. McGonagall calls Hermione's name.

Hermoine whispers to herself about not being nervous.

Ron: Mental, that one. I'm telling ya.

HERMIONE: How could you say that!?

RON: (innocently) I didn't!

HARRY: He really didn't.

PANSY: SHHhh! It's Daniel's turn!!! I mean.....Potter's.

Hermione turns huffily to the screen, and her face softens.

MALFOY: The hat looks creepy on screen.

HARRY: Yeah.

Everyone turns to them, shocked.

McGONAGALL: Did Potter and Malfoy just agree?

SNAPE: I'm afraid so.

DUMBLEDORE: Splendid! I knew this movie would do some good.

Harry: (whispering) Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.

Sorting Hat: Not Slytherin, eh? You'd do well, it's all here in your head.

MALFOY: Why not Slytherin?

RON: It's obvious isn't it? Because you're in it.

Hat: Well, if you're sure. Better be GRYFFINDOR!!!!!

Harry takes his seat at Gryffindor table, people congradulate him and shake his hand. Among the hand shakers are Lee Jordan, Percy Weasley, Fred and George Weasley and Oliver Wood.



Hermione and Pansy erupt in giggles. Whole theatre quiets them.

MALFOY: Weasley, you were right about her. She is mental.

Percy: Be careful of the staircases. They like to change.

Staircases above them change.

HARRY: It doesn't look like that.

HERMIONE: (scribbling notes on a piece of parchment.) No. I'm writing that down.

DUMBLEDORE: 5 points to Gryffindor for Miss Granger taking notes.

Harry peers over Hermione and looks at her parchment.

HARRY: (to Ron in a whisper) All it says is Oliver Wood is hotter on screen. Harry is hotter (Daniel Radcliffe), as well as Ron (Rupert Grint) and Malfoy (Tom Felton). Staircases change. She seems to have these actors names memorized.

RON: She thinks we're hotter on screen?

HARRY: (shrugging) Apparently.

RON: I don't think Oliver is hot at all.

PANSY: How could you! (reaches to slap him, but McGonagall shoes her hand away.)

Harry shrugs and they all look back at the movie.

MALFOY: Is that really the enterance to the Gryffindor common room?


MALFOY: Cool. I can use that to my advantage.

HARRY: You still need the password.

MALFOY: What? It's not Caput Draconis anymore?

HARRY AND RON: (laughing) Of course not!

HARRY: That was over 4 years ago! We're not stupid, you know.

MALFOY: Could have fooled me.

McGONAGALL: That's enough, Mr. Malfoy.

Next morning at breakfast. Great Hall. Owls dropping packages to everyone along the table.

HERMOINE: Pansy! There he is again!


HERMIONE: Missed him!


HARRY: What is wrong with you two?

MALFOY: Yeah, really? What has gotten into you?

PANSY: Shut up, Draco.

HERMIONE: Shut up, Harry.


Coming Attraction:
The gang sees the first classes, the Quidditch match and Fluffy.
Hermione and Pansy drool over Sean Biggerstaff.
Snape takes about 1,000 points from Gryffindor for Ron's sudden outburst over a certain Quidditch player.
McGonagall takes 5 points from Slytherin for Malfoy's snide remarks about Harry's broom riding skills.
Dumbledore reinstates all of the points lost for no apparent reason.

I'd love it if you reviewed!!