A/N: Stephanie and the bots will be referred to as S&TB

Chapter 9

[Inside a dark movie theater, two figures walk across an aisle of seats while their silhouettes project onto the movie screen. The MGM lion roars onscreen as Stephanie and Crow take their seats.]

STEPHANIE: "Oh, good. This movie is PETA approved."

CROW: "Just another check for Ingrid Newkirk."

[As the opening credits roll, Stephanie turns her head.]

STEPHANIE: "Hey, Crow?"

CROW: "Yeah?"

STEPHANIE: "Where's Servo?"

CROW: "Oh for the love of… you're supposed to carry him into the theater!"

STEPHANIE: "What? Why?"

CROW: "There's an air grate! Servo can't hover!"

STEPHANIE: "Oh! Sorry!"

[Stephanie quickly gets up from her seat and scurries off. She returns with Servo in her arms, who shakes his head.]

SERVO: Every time we get a new human, they always forget!"

STEPHANIE: "Sorry, Tom!"

SERVO: "For crying out loud…"

[After a dull opening text, the film proper begins with a cabin on fire]

SERVO: "Looks like Pa Kettle finally had enough."

[The camera pans to a woman lying on the floor unconscious]

CROW: "Wow. The Danish really knew how to party back then!"

[A voice calls out to the woman as a ghostly figure materializes before her]

VOICE: Sonja…

STEPHANIE (as Sonja): "What?"

VOICE: Sonja…

STEPHANIE (as Sonja): "What?"

VOICE: Sonja…

STEPHANIE (as Sonja): "WHAT!?"

[The young woman wakes up and gazes at the vision before her]

CROW (as Sonja): "Man, did I get wasted or what?"

SPIRIT: You are suffering, Sonja...

CROW: "How do you think we feel? We're the ones who have to watch this!"

SPIRIT: …but vengeance shall be yours.Vengeance on Queen Gedren,who wanted you for herself.

[Flashback of Gedren beckoning Sonja forward]

SERVO (gruff feminine voice): "Come over here, sweet cheeks!"

SPIRIT: Your disgust was clear.

[Flashback of Sonja striking Gedren with a weapon]

CROW: "Where's my money!?"

SPIRIT: And so it was that Gedren ordered your family murdered. Your body violated by her soldiers.

SERVO (as Spirit): "Your career to go down the toilet!"

SPIRIT: But in your quest for justice and vengeance...

STEPHANIE: "Oh, so it's one of those films, is it?"

SPIRIT: …you will need great strength...

CROW (as voice): "And an agent who knows what he's doing…"

SPIRIT: … for your sword arm must have no equal.

SERVO: "Your lazy eye must have no direction."

SPIRIT: …I give you that strength.

[The Spirit wields a sword and knights the young woman]

STEPHANIE: "So the Spirit of Vengeance passes her knowledge into this fiery redhead, who doesn't have a clue…"

SERVO: "Paving the way for a new order of justice and ass-beatings to a savage wasteland…"

CROW: "Only to be upstaged by a big beefy Austrian with a speech impediment, who will one day become governor of California."

[The camera pans out as darkness falls over the young woman. Then the title appears: RED SONJA]


STEPHANIE: "From the makers of Purple Nurple and Agent Orange!"

CROW: "Now with a heartier woodland skank fragrance!"

SERVO: "Available wherever obscure 70s comic book characters are sold!"

CROW: "Red Sonja is not for everyone. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, severe head trauma…"

SERVO: "Poor judgment, marriage to Sylvester Stallone and an inexplicable attraction to Flavor Flav…"

STEPHANIE: "Ask your doctor if Red Sonja is right for you."

[Cut to more credits as a man on a horse rides along a vacant field as heroic music plays in the background]

STEPHANIE: "The future President of the United States, boys."

SERVO: "You wish."

CROW: "Seems like a long way to go just for some frankfurters and cheese balls."

SERVO: "Twenty bucks says they actually filmed this with him driving a Hummer and they digitally inserted the horse."

STEPHANIE: "Actually it's the other way around. The George Lucas edition drops the horse and replaces it with Jar Jar."

SERVO: "Oh."

CROW: "So he's just riding a horse, is he?"

STEPHANIE: "That's what it looks like."

CROW: "I'm sure this has something to do with the plot."

STEPHANIE: "Probably. I think maybe they're just trying to give Arnold some more screen time."

CROW: "Ah, I see."

SERVO: "So I'm guessing Dolph Lundgren and Lou Ferrigno were the only ones smart enough--"

CROW: "Watch it."

SERVO: "Er, not as dumb as I had thought, of course… ha ha…"

[The rider comes to a bridge that has been demolished then turns his horse around]

STEPHANIE (as Arnold): "Dey are gonna staht Oktoberfest widout me, yargh!"

[An exterior shot of a cone-shaped temple.]

SERVO: "Meanwhile, at Baskin Robbins HQ."

[Inside, a small honor guard armed with swords circle a glowing object. They then shift in place]

CROW: "That's it. A little to the left… More… A little more… Nope! Too far! Do it again!"

[Shot of a spiked glowing green orb.]

SERVO: "All right, who spiked the Jell-O?"

STEPHANIE: "Lame."

SERVO: "I couldn't help it."

[A group of priestesses dressed in gold and white enter the temple]

CROW: "So the movie takes place on Vulcan, does it?"

SERVO: "Wow! I'm already starting to feel intellectually superior and emotionally distant!"

[The High Priestess searches around]

STEPHANIE (as priestess): "Now where did I leave that katra?"

PRIESTESS: Varna…

STEPHANIE: "You've been going through my closet again, haven't you?"

PRIESTESS: …where is the Lord of Hyrkania?

VARNA: He has not come, Highness.

PRIESTESS: He should be here for the destruction of the talisman.

CROW (surfer voice): "Look, dude. I just work here."

PRIESTESS: But we cannot delay. We will proceed without him.

SERVO: "Oh well. More Romulan Ale and baklava for us!"

[The priestesses follow in single file towards the center of the honor guard and circle the green orb while the High Priestess approaches the orb]

CROW: "The Law of Sword and Sorcery B-Movies clearly states that places of worship aren't as safe as they're made out to be in Sword and Sorcery A-Movies."

STEPHANIE: "Don't spoil the movie, Crow."

SERVO: "I get the feeling that all the women in this building are going through a severe Stevie Nicks phase."

CROW: "To the gypsy that remains, faces freedom with a little fear."

STEPHANIE: "Huh? What?"

CROW: "Nothing."

PRIESTESS: O God of the high Gods...

SERVO: "Being as stoned as you are…"

PRIESTESS: …behold the talisman with which you created the world and all things.

STEPHANIE: "Except for this movie, of course."

[Exterior shot of a group of horses approaching the temple]

S&TB (singing): "We got hold of a pot of gold, Bonanza!"

PRIESTESS: O God of Gods...

SERVO: "Whichever one you may be right now."

PRIESTES: …it has become too powerful for us...

[Close-up of Varna looking bored]

STEPHANIE (as Varna): "Sure, she's the boss. Big deal. I could dress up like Iman and make up prayers as I go along, too!"

[The High Priestess turns and walks in another direction]

CROW (as HP): "Damn! What was my line!?"

[The riders begin mounting the fortress]

SERVO: "WO-MAN!"

[Inside, the honor guard drop their weapons to the floor]

SERVO: "Hey, Cindy! Let's put our weapons down, like, in case we get attacked or something so we can look really silly when we need to use them!"

CROW: "Oh my gosh! That's what I was thinking! How fun!"

PRIESTESS: Forgive us now as we send it out of the light from which it draws its power...

STEPHANIE: "Ah, so it's Kryptonite!"

PRIESTESS: …into eternal darkness.

SERVO: "What, no kiss?"

[Outside, one of the riders looks over to Gedren and gives her a signal]

CROW (as general): "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"

SERVO: "No!"

[The Priestess removes a scepter from a stone casing]

CROW: "Now to find a baby seal that needs clubbing!"

PRIESTESS: Forgive us.

STEPHANIE: "We'll never star in another movie again."

[The orb's glow burns out as the stone closes in on it.]

SERVO: "The Jell-O's losing its flavor! Oh, the humanity!"

[Gedren's general throws a shuriken that hits the High Priestess directly in the chest]

STEPHANIE: "Wow! Pretty impressive seeing as they're standing outside the opposite side of the temple!"

[The soldiers charge into the temple and begin killing everyone in sight]

S&TB (chanting): "Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor…"

[The guards fight back, making a few kills of their own]

CROW: "Brilliant execution! A little rough on the landing but I don't think the judges will mind too much!"

SERVO: "I like the fire! It's a nice touch! Nothing says mystical warfare like a guy getting a crotchful of flame!"

STEPHANIE: "And there goes Varna, plowing down a would-be assassin! She ducks and makes a hard right! She swings! It's a hit! Now she's going down the runway and tries to make another kill! It's good! There she goes again with another right! This girl is on fire! She makes the swing but misses! Here comes another one! It's good! She! Could! Go! All! The! Way!"

[Varna slays a man who approaches her]

SERVO (as man): "D'oh! I just wanted to know where the bathroom was!"

[The guards push the soldiers out of the temple and barricade the door]

CROW: "What part of 'no boys allowed' don't you understand!? This is our slumber party!"

[Several more soldiers enter the temple from the skylight and climb down their ropes]

STEPHANIE: "So they also double as ninjas? Well I bet that keeps costs pretty darn low."

[The men slaughter the women and reopen the temple doors]

CROW (surfer voice): "Dude! Keg party! Whoo-hoo!"

[Gedren's general takes the scepter from the High Priestess's dead body and replaces it in the stone casing, reopening the chamber]

SERVO (as general): "Now it's my time to shine! Weenie boy do good, mistress!?"

[More fighting ensues]

CROW: "And so they're just fighting some more, are they?"

STEPHANIE: "Yep."

CROW: "Boy, I never thought I'd be so bored watching a lot of people get killed onscreen. It kind of takes from the experience of doing it for real."

SERVO: "What are you talking about!? You're afraid to kill the spider in the bathtub!"

CROW: "Hey, that thing has eight legs! How am I supposed to defend myself from that!?"

[One of the soldiers tackles one of the women to the floor]

SERVO (as woman): "Oh, honey! Not here in front of all the barbarians!"

[Gedren enters the temple on horseback and approaches the glowing orb]

CROW (as Gedren): "Man, this baby will be great with some whipped cream and pineapple chunks! Mm-mm!"

GEDREN: So this can make worlds…

SERVO: "And balance your checkbook in just two easy steps!"

GEDREN: …or shatter them by storm and earthquake.

STEPHANIE: "Also known as Katrina and Sumo."

GEDREN: Have it lifted out.

SOLDIER: Lift it out!

[Four of the soldiers lift up the stand holding the orb]

SERVO: "Oh! My back!"

CROW: "Oh! My groin!"

STEPHANIE: "Oh! My expendability!"

[Gedren summons a random soldier]

SERVO (as Gedren): "Oh my gosh! Becky, let's do some Jell-O shots!"

GEDREN: Touch it.

STEPHANIE: "What, no dinner first?"

[The soldier hesitates]

CROW: "Gee, I don't know. This sure is a big commitment! You don't think we're rushing things, do you?"

[The soldier touches the orb and in a cheap effect, vanishes from thin air, followed by what sounds like a loud sneezing]

STEPHANIE: "Wait, did he just get sneezed out of the movie?"

[Gedren gasps]

SERVO (as Gedren): "I'm a woman!"

[Gedren addresses one of her handmaidens]

GEDREN: Touch it.

[The maiden shakes her head]

STEPHANIE: "I seriously doubt death by nuclear sneezing is covered by their HMO."

GEDREN: Touch! It!

CROW: "Yeah, I'm real sure she understood you the first time."

[The young woman touches the orb and is relieved to find that nothing happens]

SERVO: "Looks like she's got herself another pair of underwear to wash tonight!"

[Gedren laughs]

GEDREN: So it is true. Only women may touch it.

CROW: "For that is the Law of Man."

SOLDIER: The cover!

[The men place a cone over the orb]

SERVO: "I hear Jell-O ice cream cones are all the rage on Vulcan."

SOLDIER: Take it out!

SERVO: "But it'll melt!"

[The men haul it away and exit the temple]

STEPHANIE: "Between the sneezing vanishing powers and its high calorie count, there's no doubt that those men are carrying the world's most dangerous dessert."

GENERAL: Great queen, what shall we do with the prisoners?

SERVO (as General): "Because I was kind of hoping I could keep one in my room for, y'know … stuff."

[Gedren pauses and gestures toward an open pit]

STEPHANIE (southern accent): "Put on the grill! Let's make some steak'n'taters!"

[The soldiers grab the prisoners and begin throwing them down the pit]

SERVO: "No! My hair! Oh God, nooooo!"

[Varna witnesses this from the back and opens a secret compartment on the wall]

CROW (as Varna): "To hell with this! I've got Lakers tickets!"

[Two soldiers slowly come up from behind, searching for survivors]

SERVO: "You just can't hire good help these days. I mean look at them! They let one get away! They've got some serious ass-kissing to do if they don't want a date with the Jell-O mold of death!"

[One of the men notices the opening]

STEPHANIE: "D'oh!"

SOLDIER: Come!

SERVO: "I found a way out of this movie! Let's go!"

[Exterior shot of the governator riding along another field]

STEPHANIE: "Well look who finally decided to show up!"

[Arnie sees the soldiers chasing after Varna from across a cliff]

STEPHANIE (as Arnie): "Gyah! I'm on de wrong side of de set!"

[Varna reaches the end of the cliff and swings down a zip line to the other side]

CROW: "Well look at that! The crew from the last movie must have left their zip line behind by accident! How convenient for our runaway priestess!"

[The guards reach the zip line and take aim with their crossbows]

SERVO (as guard): "Remember! Her butt is worth 50 points!"

[Arnold stops his horse as he waits for Varna]

STEPHANIE (as Arnie): "Dey are making de moovee widout me!"

[The guards shoot and one of the arrows hits Varna in the back]

SERVO: "Oh, those blood stains aren't gonna come out!"

[Varna reaches the other side and falls into the governator's arms]

CROW (as Arnie): "Now I get to be de hero again!"

[He picks her up]

STEPHANIE: "Come with me if you want to live… 'cuz you only have, like, two minutes."

[He rests her against a tree]

CROW: "I guess he wants to save time and just bury her now."

[Exterior shot of Gedren and her army marching out of the temple]

SERVO: "Y'know, I'm sure the spirit's opening monologue at the beginning of the film was enough to let me know Gedren was evil but thanks for pointing it out to me again!"

[Under the tree, Arnold pulls out the arrow from Varna's back]

STEPHANIE: "Now hurry! You're letting all the syrup out!"

[Arnie senses the soldier behind him and strikes him down with his sword]

SERVO (as soldier): "Oh! My gut!"

[Arnie strikes down another]

CROW (as soldier): "Oh! My hernia!"

[He takes out several more]

STEPHANIE: "And in case anyone forgot Arnie was once a pretty cool action hero… well, you get the idea."

SERVO: "Uh-huh."

[Arnie decapitates the last soldier, whose head flies up in the air in slow motion]

CROW: "Yeah! That's the way to get ahead!"

STEPHANIE/SERVO: "Crow!"

CROW: "Sorry."

[He returns to Varna's care while placing his sword back in its holster]

SERVO: "Ow! That'll leave a mark on the old Nürnberger!

VARNA: The talisman's stolen...

STEPHANIE: "I'm pretty sure it was a glowing green ball just a few minutes ago."

VARNA: Must… destroy the talisman...

CROW: "Must… recover breath…"

VARNA: We must find my sister. Take me. I know where she is.

SERVO: "Say! Listen, if you pull through this, do you think you, your sister and I could… ha ha ha…"

VARNA: …Please.

[Arnie nods]

STEPHANIE: "Still not talking, Mr. governor?"

[Elsewhere, a middle aged man in armor is dueling with Sonja]

STEPHANIE: "Whoa. He's like one of those pawn shop owners who collects old weapons and practices with them in the back."

SERVO: "I haven't seen an elderly person fight like this since those two old ladies fighting over the last can of beets at the supermarket."

[The Grand Master, a much older man with a long white beard wearing a ridiculous suit of armor, gives the command for the two to duel again]

CROW: "Wow. I don't think Mr. Miyagi ever looked so young!"

[They continue swinging their swords around while a handful of soldiers watches on]

SERVO: "So while the evil queen has been out killing people, our heroine has been here practicing her skills with someone who's at a great disadvantage?"

CROW: "What do you mean?"

SERVO: "Well there's the age thing. And he looks like he could use a few meals. And if I'm not mistaken, I'd say that guy's got a screw loose somewhere. Yeah, I just don't see how sparring with this prune will prepare her for her fight with Gedren."

STEPHANIE: "You don't know if they're gonna fight yet, Tom."

SERVO: "Well they better! I wouldn't mind seeing some mud thrown in there too!"

CROW: "Ooh! Nice!"

STEPHANIE: "Oh, great…"

[Sonja defeats her opponent and points her sword at him while the soldiers pound their chests]

S&TB: "Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!"

MASTER: Magnificent.

SERVO (as Grand Master): "And I don't normally get up from the toilet for just anyone!"

[A wide shot reveals they are all in a coliseum, where the entrance is through a statue of a crouching warrior]

STEPHANIE: "So entering or exiting the coliseum means risking exposure to poo gas?"

MASTER: You have nothing more to learn, Red Sonja.

CROW (as GM): "Cousin Green Horn would be proud!"

MASTER: You are the master of the master.

SERVO: "Float like a butterfly, stings when you pee!"

MASTER: Never have l seen your equal.

STEPHANIE: "Yeah. Who else can sport a mullet like that and still look good while kicking butt?"

SERVO: "Obi Wan?"

STEPHANIE: "Oh, yeah."

[Sonja's sparring partner attempts to hug her but she backs away]

STEPHANIE (as Sonja): "Eww!"

SERVO: "Aw, shut down!"

[He bows to her]

CROW (as man): "Guess I'll just go and commit seppuku now…"

MASTER: Sonja…

SERVO (as Master): "Will you help me straighten this robe? It's riding up my crack!"

MASTER: You must learn to like men a little better. They are not all evil.

STEPHANIE: "Unless they kidnap you and launch you into space and force you to watch bad movies with a couple of robots who are about as dumb as--"

CROW/SERVO: "Hey!"

STEPHANIE: "I mean, I love you guys!"

SONJA: We must judge by our own experience, Grand Master.

MASTER: I know.

CROW: "He'll never look at a bar of soap the same way again."

MASTER: But in life, all is not swordplay.

SERVO: "There's foreplay!"

MASTER: Hatred of men in a lovely young woman. It could be your downfall.

CROW: "It could be the end of dinner as we know it!"

SONJA: I don't hate all men, Grand Master.

SERVO: "Say!"

CROW: "Houston, we have liftoff!"

STEPHANIE: "All right, let's get out of here…"

[Stephanie picks up Servo as she and Crow begin to exit the theater.]

MASTER: That would have been music to my ears 30 years ago.

SERVO (as Master): "Now I spend my time at bathhouses!"

MASTER: Come. A great swordsman must have a great sword.