Twilight: The Not-So-Broadway Musical

Act One, Scene One:

-The stage lights up. A young girl is seen waiting at a bus stop-

Bella: Oh, why did I abandon living with my mother for living with my father in Forks, Washington, of all places? All it does is rain!

-Tune of "Belle" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast-

Little town, little town of Forks

It's a soaking village

Ev'ry day

Raining like the one before

Little town

Full of little people-

Jacob: -Skips across the stage, wearing a random werewolf mask; ballerina spin-

And telepathic werewolves!

Bella: -Looks at Jacob with a bewildered expression-

Greeting me today…

-Suddenly, the stage fills up with students passing by, Bella singing in the center. A random nerd begins to walk in front of Bella-

There goes the nerd with his books, like always

The same old notes and math to study -Sticks her foot out, tripping the nerd-

Ev'ry classroom just the same

Since the morning that I came

To this wet pathetic town

Male Students:

Look there she goes

That girl is hot, no question

Thin and pretty, can't you see?

Bella:

There must be more than this soaking wet life!

-Suddenly, five gorgeous students enter the stage-

Rosalie: Wow, Edward. No grizzly bear stands a chance against you, and no human for that matter.

Edward: -Checking himself out in a pocket mirror- I know, right? And I like the smell of THAT one. –Points to Bella-

Edward:

Right from the moment when I sensed her, saw her

I said she's got no brainwaves I can read

Here in class there's only she

Who smells as lovely as me

So I'm making plans to make her my lunch!

Bella:

There must be more than this soaking wet life!

Edward:

Just watch I'm going to stalk Bella's life!

-The singing stops. Bella and Edward are alone now, and he walks over to her-

Edward: Hey there, Bella…

Bella: Hi, my name's Bella Swan! I hope we have some classes together! -Skips offstage gaily-

Edward: -Sobbing noise- She sure smells so purdy…I THINK I'M IN LOVE!!!

Act One, Scene Two:

-At the beach-

Bella: Oh, how I adore the beach! The sunlight glimmering off the water reminds me of my beloved Edward's smoldering, liquid topaz eyes! Oh, how I desperately wish he were here to tell me how delicious I smell!

-Suddenly, a random Native American boy enters the stage-

Jacob: Hey, Bella!

Bella: How do you know my name?

Jacob: Everyone knows you, Bella! You're the main character!

Bella: -Arrogant-Well, you do have a point there…anyway, who are you?

Jacob: Well, Bella, I'm-

Jacob Black

On the attack

I'm a werewolf!

Strong as ten regular men, definitely

I'll face those bloodthirsty hordes

A hundred vampires with fangs

Who's gonna beat those killer gangs?

Why, Jacob Black!

Dancers: -Dressed like wolves-

He's got seventy-five razor sharp claws

Canine fangs he's got fifty-three

Bella:

That physique!

How can I speak?

Weak at the knee!

Jacob Black:

Jacob Black

Amorous me

I'm a werewolf!

Heard Bella Swan was a sight lovely to see

Decided to snag that hottie for me!

Bella/Dancers:

Make…

Way…

For…

Jacob:

JACOB BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Bella, you think I'm pretty smokin' delicious, right?

Bella: Well, you certainly are good looking; it's just that my heart's already set on my precious Edward Cullen.

Jacob Black: Wait. Cullen, as in Edward Cullen?!

Bella: Oh, you know him, then?

Jacob: -Pause-Well, no. Not really. You know, to tell the truth, I haven't the slightest idea why I'm supposed to hate his guts. However, I do know that if I didn't endlessly prattle on about how evil, pale, and ungodly sexy he is, then there wouldn't be much of a plot now, would there?

Bella: I suppose you're right.

Jacob: So anyway… -Clears throat-Edward Cullen is evil, pale, and ungodly sexy! He's dangerous! If you know what's good for you, Bella, you'll stay far away from him!

Exits the stage-

Bella: I'm sensing a little hostility here…

Act One, Scene Three:

-In a meadow-

Bella: Edward, are you a vampire?

Edward: -Nervous laughter- What makes you think that?

Bella: Sasquatch told me you were.

Edward: Curse those werewolves! There's nothing I hate more than a werewolf! Well, besides sunlight, that is.

Bella: Oh, because it'll make you burn?

Edward: No, because it exposes vampires for what we really are! –Spotlight on Edward. Suddenly, Edward throws off his trench coat, only to reveal a sparkling, pink leotard- This is what I am, Bella! What I'm cursed to be!

Bella: Ooh, shiny…

Edward: -To the tune of "I'm a Barbie Girl"-

I'm a sparkly vamp

In a sparkly world

I'll take you to my lair

And I'll bite your neck there

Life is full of desire

When you're a vampire!

Bella: Wow, you're a sparkly vampire? Who knew?

Edward: -Now covered up in the trench coat once again- Yes, but I'm also a DANGEROUS sparkly vampire!

Bella: -Gasps- NO WAY!

Act One, Scene Four:

Edward: -Walks up to his siblings- Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, I know we're not really supposed to tell humans about our being vampires and wanting to eat them and all, but…

Rosalie: But what?

Edward: I may have accidentally let Bella in on it…

All: ?!

Edward: Don't give me those looks! I LOVE Bella!!!

Emmett: Dude, you've known her for like, what, two days?

Edward: I may have only known Bella for two days, but these two days have been the most magical and meaningful two days of my entire existence! –Insert dramatically hilarious hissy fit here-

Alice: Edward, you know humans aren't supposed to know about us.

Jasper: Yeah, it's just…just…

Emmett: Bad. –Leans in eerily close to Edward's face- Really, really, really bad…

Rosalie: Emmet, stop. Let me handle this.

-"Can You Feel the Love Tonight" opening tune from The Lion King-

I can see what's happening

And you don't have a clue

You'll fall in love and here's the bottom line

Our family will have to move.

Ze sweet caress of twilight

There's danger everywhere

And with all this romantic atmosphere

Disaster's in the air

Edward: Whatever! You know what? I'm just going to turn Bella into a vampire so we can kill things and drink their blood together forever!

All Four Siblings: "-Status Quo" tune from High School Musical-

No, no, no, nooooooooooo

No, no, no

Stick to the blood you know

If you want blood to eat

There's a rule you can't beat

Don't mess with the flow, no no

Stick to the blood you know

Bella: -Enters- Hey, Edward! Oh, is this your vampire family?

Edward: Yeah. Bella, this is Emmet and Jasper, my brothers, and this is Rosalie, my sister. Oh, and this is Alice, my other sister.

Alice: I can tell the future!

Bella: Really?

Alice: -Dazed look- I predict, that in the next ten years…-Shifty eyes- it's going to rain…

Bella: That's amazing…

-Suddenly, lights start flashing-

Bella: Edward! What's going on?

Edward: -Gasps- It's James, the evil vampire!

Cullen Siblings: -"Phantom of the Opera" tune-

The vampire of Washington!

He's here in Forks!

He's the vampire of Washington!!!

James: Wow, that human you got with you smells so…-Slicks hair back in a rather unattractive, but still funny manner-appetizing.

Edward: SNNNAAAARRRRLLLLLLLLLL!!!

James: Oh yeah? -Points behind Edward- What's that?!

Edward: What?! -Looks behind him-

James: -Snatches Bella and runs away with her-

Bella: Edward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Bella!

Cullen Siblings: -Exit as the stage lights dim-

Edward: -"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" tune

I've grown accustomed to her scent.

She almost makes the day begin.

I've grown accustomed to her smell;

Accustomed to her blood;

Accustomed to her scent.

I'LL FIND YOU, BELLA!!!

-Exits by the wrong passage way, then comes back on stage to exit the same way Bella and James left-

Act One, Scene Five:

-Bella can be seen tied to a chair, James grinning villainously at her, and rubbing hands together in a malicious, cliché fashion-

James: Why hello there, Bella…

Bella: What are you going to do with me?!

James: -"I'll Make a Man out of You" tune from Mulan-

Let's get down to business, so I can have my snack

Did Edward think he'd beat me

When I was ready to attack?

He's the saddest thing I've ever seen

But you can bet before we're through:

Bella I'll make a meal out of you!!!

-Leans in to bite Bella's neck-

Prepare to be digested, Bella…

Bella: -Screams-

Edward: STOP!!!

Random Background Voice:

IN THE NAME OF LOVE!!!!

Edward: -Looks around with a confused expression-

James: Edward.

Edward: James.

Bella: Bella…

Edward: -Pulls a random gun from out of his trench coat and aims it at James- Say hello to my little friend! -Shoots James-

James: -Dies-

Bella: You shot him! Oh, Edward, you weren't supposed to shoot him! You were supposed to have an epic battle in which you declare your everlasting love for me!

Edward: Quiet, Bella! We only have a ten-minute time slot! Besides, I shot him with a silver bullet, so it's all good.

Bella: Wait a minute…-Shrugs, then runs over to Edward- Oh, my beloved Edward, how I love you so!

Edward: The feeling's mutual, Bella.

Bella/Edward: "Part of That World" tune from The Little Mermaid-

Now we can kill, now we can feed

Slaughterin' free - wish that I could

Slaughter that world!

Bella:

When's it my turn?

Wouldn't I love, love to destroy that world with you?

Undead with you

Wish that I could

Bella/Edward:

SLAUGHTER THAT WORLD!!!

Bella: Oh, Edward, let us frolic off into the sunset together!

Edward: My sentiments exactly. Come, Bella, I shall carry you. -Attempts to pick Bella up, but she's too heavy- On second, let's just skip.

-Edward and Bella skip offset, and the stage goes dark-

FIN


AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Sorry if you liked the other version better. You know, the one with the therapist?

But I liked this version, the old one, better, so decided to put this one up instead. It's funnier, not vulgar in the least, and plus, my school may be putting this on for our annual ten-minute student written plays this year.

Maybe I'll even upload the performance to Youtube. -Snicker-

If I can, maybe later on I'll edit this part and add more to it (Like Victoria and Laurent, for one xD)

Anyway, hope you enjoy.

R&R please.