Title: Shame On Me
Author: Tattooed On My Mind
Fandom: South Park
Rating: PG13/ T
Summary: She wants to be ashamed like the other girls, but what's the point of being shameful about wanting something?
Warnings: First het story in a while. First South Park fanfic ever.
Disclaimer: Don't waste time with lawsuits. I don't own South Park.
A/N: Woo, I'm back. I haven't updated anything from FFN in years. Wow.
Well, I'm relatively new to the South Park fandom as far as fanfics go. This is my first one. I'm working on a multi-chaptered fic, but I don't want to rush into that yet. I wanna start off slow, and I thiiink this is a nice way to do it?
Anyway, I like Cartman/Heidi. I prefer Cartman/Clyde and Cartman/Kyle, but as far as het goes, Heidi's my best pick for Eric. Idk, he's an asshole, she's kindof a bitch. Why not, right? Although I didn't really make Heidi seem like a bitch in this. Oh well. I don't care. They're cute. ^^ I'm usually a slash girl, aside from Kyle/Bebe and Clyde/Bebe, but hey. The idea was in my mind. So, enjoy! =)
Also, as I said idk twice, this is my first time writing for SP. If you have any critiques, let me know. Cartman isn't very easy for me to characterize, so if anyone has any advice, I would love to know for future reference. Thanks in advanced!
All of the young girls of South Park Elementary had three things in common. They all preferred to hang out with the other girls, they all liked shoes, and they all were ashamed of knowing Eric Cartman.
Heidi Turner was the only exception. She was not friends with the boy. Of course, she wasn't. To her, he was nothing but a fat, close-minded, racist, sexist, obnoxious, bigoted asshole. She always had to mentally kick herself whenever she felt no shame for being associated with him, but she could not feel the way the other girls could feel. She wanted to be shameful of this. She honestly did.
Instead, She didn't feel shame. She didn't feel anything.
She felt everything. Most of all, she felt shamelessness.
Heidi lost all respect for nature the day she and the Getting Gay with Kids choir was lost in the rainforest. Walking circles in the hot and humid garden of aggravation made her strive to get home and beg her mother to buy her copious amounts of makeup, perfume, and hair products. She knew Ms. Stevens would be quick to encourage her to give the rainforest another chance to make a positive impact on her life, but the older woman was occupied with another student.
Cartman had yet another stick in his hand as he glared a capybara at the edge of the river. In a huff, he raised his hand and yelled, "That's a bad capybara! Bad!" The animal sat there, taking the strikes of the tree branch with nothing but confusion written on its furry face. Ms. Stevens nearly exploded as she picked him up and pulled him away from the poor creature, but Heidi quietly stifled a laugh at the entire event. No one heard her, but her giggles continued as the portly boy continued to argue with the choir instructor.
Despite what the boy with the green hat said, Heidi made a note to beg her parents to move the family to South Park as soon as they got back. She did not care if this happened before or after her mother took her to the mall.
The night the boys took her fortune teller was a very confusing night. Finding out Marjorine was a boy – a very feminine boy at that – was barely even half of the issue. Nevertheless, Heidi tried to put the event aside and the girls made another fortune teller.
The questions asked had specifically to do to the boys in the class, Eric Cartman excluded. Bebe asked if she was ever going to get a feel of Kyle Broflovski's hot ass. Red asked if she was going to be Craig Tucker's girlfriend in the future. Heidi refrained from participating – at her confused state, she could have cared less about which of the boys she wanted to hook up with in years to come. Besides, if the girls heard her ask if she was going to date Eric Cartman in the future, they would freak out, leave the party, and possibly cut all friendship ties with her.
Eventually, the girls used their method of peer pressure and got her to participate. She sat before Wendy and the folded piece of paper and asked a random question. "Will I ever go out with Clyde Donovan?" The "oohs" and "ahhs" of the other girls were audible as Wendy continued the procedure.
"Pick a Color."
"G-R-E-E-N. Pick a number."
"1. 2. 3. 4. Pick another number."
Wendy went to pull open the flap that was labeled with the number two and Heidi's throat felt dry. She did not know what she wanted to happen – whether she wanted it to say yes or no. The other girls waited anxiously as Wendy read the result.
Wendy had an apologetic look in her brown eyes as she told the brunette, "The answer is 'no'." The other girls felt bad for Heidi, but were over it as the next questions were asked.
Heidi shrugged the dryness of her throat away. She was okay with the result. She wasn't interested in Clyde Donovan anyway.
The Monday after the egg experiment had Heidi seeing Mrs. Garrison after school. Small jolts of panic went through Heidi's head as she knew she had a good project. Sure, she was partnered with Cartman, but they had passed with an A, and that's all she cared about in the end. She approached her teacher's desk, taking a seat on the stool provided.
"You know, Heidi," her teacher started, "you should be happy about your grade for the egg project. It could've been a bit lower."
Shivers went down her spine. "W-what do you mean, 'it could've been lower'?" she hesitantly asked, fear in her eyes.
Mrs. Garrison took a pen from her desk to grade some papers before her. "Technically, you and Eric should be receiving a C minus," she informed, circling a large F on a student's paper. Heidi only assumed it was Cartman's paper. "Eric broke the egg before you two presented it. I gave him a new one because I wanted you two to get an A."
Rage filled her, and she was ready to kick his fat ass across the basketball court any moment. 'That son of a bitch! How dare he… I can't believe he broke it and didn't tell me!' Her thoughts, however, were interrupted by another comment.
"He wanted you to have the A," the older woman added. "He specifically asked if he could be the one with the F, and you could still have the A. Both of your grades would have averaged out to be a C minus, but hey. It's the thought that counts, right?"
Heidi left the classroom stunned. Eric Cartman wanted to sacrifice his own grade to let her keep the A. Whether it meant the two of them received a lower grade in the long run, the entire action made her think harder on the subject. 'Maybe he's not the sexist bigot he used to be?'
She walked outside, blaming the twitching of her body on her inability to quickly adjust to the cold.
Red Ruble was still Heidi's best friend when they were in middle school. The two of them were usually inseparable, and would always rely on each other, no matter what the issue was. That is, unless the issue was about boys, which it usually was.
Red and Craig eventually hooked up, and had been going out for at least five months. However, Heidi knew they were not going to last. If the fortune teller was true, Craig would move on, as Red was not supposed to marry a really cute boy. Very rarely did Craig come in the way of everything, but Heidi did not hesitate to confess her jealousy of their relationship. She had always been single anyway.
Before school one day, Heidi caught Red and Craig holding hands down the hallway, talking about cute animals and giggling. As cute as they were, Heidi almost couldn't picture her and another boy in the way Red and Craig were. It was almost as if she needed a stronger, slightly rougher relationship. As she gazed at them, Cartman blocked her view to get to his locker. She did not yell at him. She almost wanted to, but she did not.
She suddenly felt herself being pulled toward someone, causing her to gasp in shock. Her hazel eyes met brown ones that were hidden by a messy mop of oily brown hair as her body was forced to make contact with the other person's. It was Cartman. Her lips parted to speak, but his were on them before she could make a sound. Unaware of how to react, she clutched onto the back of his coat as the kiss became deeper. In a matter of seconds, they parted, and she was left alone, staring at his figure as he walked away.
"Heidi! Earth to Heidi Turner!"
She jumped, turning to the voice's speaker. Red was standing next to her with a puzzled look on her face. The red haired girl asked what was going on as Heidi realized Cartman was long gone. She looked down at her clothes, noticing the lack of wrinkles or creases that she was expecting. Everything came clear – she was daydreaming.
"N-nothing, Red," she responded to her best friend. "Nothing happened…"
"Well, that's good," Red curtly responded. "For a second, I thought you were going insane. The way you stared at that fat fuck nearly worried me." She picked up her books and walked to her next class, linking arms with Craig.
Heidi sighed, backing up into her locker. In the corner of her eye, she saw Cartman ripping on Scott Malkinson's lisp and diabetes. She giggled to herself and learned one thing.
Maybe it would be for the better if she did not have a relationship like Craig and Red.
The night of her middle school graduation had everyone's attention on her. She had her hair done by her mother, her dress picked by her best friend, and many photos taken by her dad. Heidi was almost overwhelmed, but she assumed this would happen at least four times in her life. Unfortunately for her, she had no time alone.
She ate dinner with her family – all of whom came down for the event. She tried to convince everyone that it was just her middle school graduation, but everyone thought it was just as important as any other graduation. She sighed and looked at the clock. She had two hours until she had to be at South Park Middle School. All she wanted was five minutes to herself. She quickly finished eating and asked her parents if she could be excused.
In a matter of minutes, she was in her room, rummaging around her clothes and stuffed animals to find something. After a while, she found it – the fortune teller from elementary school. She mentally kicked herself, telling herself how silly it was to use such a childish device. However, she had wanted to try this for a long time. She used a different name before – now she was going to try again. She took it with her to the bed, making sure to shut the door so no one heard her.
She sat at the foot of her bed, placed her fingers inside the device, and asked the big question. "In high school, will I ever hook up with Eric Cartman?" After she asked, she picked a color.
"R-E-D," she spelled aloud. She continued the pattern. "Pick a number. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Pick another number. 1, 2, 3, 4." Finding the flap with the number four on top, she closed her eyes, letting her nimble fingers find their way under the crease to push it up. She opened her eyes to see the answer.
It read "yes".
Heidi was happy her friends were not there to see her smile at the final result.
Heidi took Biology her sophomore year at South Park High School, and she spent the course sitting next to Cartman. In a way, she was not sure if she should be happy or not. He knew how to keep her entertained, but, in the same instance, he knew how to keep her distracted. Of course, the distraction was sometimes needed as Heidi found the subject rather dull. Supposedly, she did not have the same teacher as Wendy, Stan, Craig, and Kyle did the year before.
She became bored quickly one day and started to draw all over her notebook. She used a pink pen to avoid crossing out all of her important notes from the class. She stared up at the board, letting the pen move about her paper in circular motions - she was not meaning to draw anything in particular. As five minutes had passed, her hand became tired, and she plopped down her head. Her long, brown hair was sprawled all over his and her desk when Cartman noticed her drawings.
"That looks like a butterfly," he stated in a dull, emotionless voice.
Heidi raised her head, finding the portion of her notes that Cartman was talking about. It did, in fact, look like a butterfly. "Well," she started, almost nervous to talk to him, "butterflies are my favorite things in the world." In a way, she was trying to impress him. Her real favorite things in the world were nail polish and lip gloss.
Cartman grunted, taking his eyes off her notebook. "Butterflies piss me off."
His comment startled Heidi. She was actually hoping he liked them. She was hoping she would actually make an impact on him. "But…they're so pretty…" she tried telling him, showing him a photograph from her Biology textbook.
"They're pretty when I rip their goddamn wings off."
After that comment, Cartman turned away, figuring out how many jelly beans he can throw at Clyde before the smaller boy found out. Heidi sat there and stared. She had never met a person who ripped wings off butterflies. She had never been attracted to anyone like that.
However, if Cartman ripping their wings off would fix the issue of the butterflies in her own stomach, Heidi was not about to let this conflict be an issue.
By her junior year of high school, Heidi was still single and dateless for homecoming. She went, only under the influence of Wendy and Bebe, but barely enjoyed it. The two girls had gone off to find their own dance partners. Her own best friend was barely even in sight, but to be honest, she and Red barely interacted ever since Craig broke up with her. Heidi was not surprised, but she never thought Jason was an improvement.
She sat alone, ignoring everyone around her. High school was not as cool as she was expecting it to be, and she cursed herself for believing that stupid fortune teller. She should've left it alone to erode in her room. No, instead, she used it to believe a fictional fantasy would come true. She buried her face in her hands and hoped no one would catch her eyes water up.
"Goddammit, you dumb Jew, gimme some punch!" Cartman's voice was heard from a few feet away from her.
"Wait your fucking turn, fatass!" Kyle Broflovski responded.
"Ay! I'm not fat! I just have more to love!"
Their usual bickering went on for a bit longer, but Heidi tried to take her mind off of it. She did not look up, but she heard footsteps coming toward her.
"Damn, girl, why the hell are you crying?" Cartman snappily asked taking the seat next to her.
Heidi refused to look at him. "Why the fuck do you care? Just go away, asshole!" she shouted, voice cracking with sobs.
Cartman rolled his eyes before tending to his punch. He drank about half the cup before giving it to the small girl beside him. After a few seconds, she took it from him. By the time she finished downing the red liquid, Cartman got up and pulled her by the wrist.
"Come on, bitch. Let's dance." He demanded, dragging Heidi to the middle of the dance floor. Before she could argue, he told her, "Let's just get one dance in and then we'll get outta here. I don't wanna be here anymore than you do."
Speechless, Heidi let Cartman take the lead. They stood and swayed for the most part as all of the other couples in South Park High moved around them. Needless to say, the two found it rather boring. Heidi tried making things more interesting by leaning on his shoulder, but two seconds afterward, Cartman pushed her away. He took her by the hand again and stared into her eyes.
"Alright, alright, let's get outta here. I'm too hot right nyah." Trying not to give Heidi the impression that he hated her, he slightly smirked at her.
At that moment, Heidi almost did not care if the girls saw her or not. She held onto his hand as they pushed past the other couples and headed for the door.
The dance was over when Heidi and Cartman were parked at Stark's pond, and Heidi had no regrets about leaving. She didn't exactly know how they got there, but at this time, she did not care. She did not care about how the other girls were thinking. She did not care about how the other guys were thinking. All she cared about was the lack of shame she had as she was being pushed against the leather seat of Eric Cartman's car.
She lied there, tugging at his shirt as he crushed his lips onto hers. He had one hand on her shoulder, pushing her down onto the back seat with the aid of his weight. His other hand was fumbling beneath the skirt of her dress, causing her to moan into his mouth. Their bodies slammed up against each other's as he continued to fondle every part of her he could find. He cared just as much as she did about how the other boys thought.
They stopped at one point as a purple butterfly landed on Heidi's collarbone. At this point her hair was everywhere, her arms were out of the straps of her dress, and her skirt was up to her waist. Her exposed skin glowed in the moonlight, and Cartman found it irritating that a stupid insect was there to ruin his view. Pudgy fingers grabbed the butterfly by its wing as Heidi began to protest.
It was too late. He ripped one wing off the small bug and threw it behind him. He looked down at Heidi, her sad eyes, her quivering lips. He leaned over to place a kiss to the spot on her collarbone where the butterfly once sat. "What? It was in mah way."
Hearing that, Heidi let the incident slide and the two went back to rocking up against each other in the back of his car.
All of the senior girls of South Park High School had three things in common. They all preferred to hang out with the other girls, they all liked shoes, and they all were ashamed of knowing Eric Cartman.
Heidi Turner was the only exception. She never thought this was possible. She never thought she could be attracted to that fat, close-minded, racist, sexist, obnoxious, bigoted asshole. She never thought she could fall for someone who ripped the wings off butterflies. She never thought she'd be the one to break free from the girls' club's mold and go after someone that was not typical. She knew all of her friends would be ashamed of her for this. She even thought she should be shameful for how she felt with Eric Cartman, of all people.
Instead, she didn't feel shame. She didn't feel anything.
She felt everything. Most of all, she felt shamelessness.
Heidi figured it was better to be shameless anyway.