To those of you who either saw me on your Author Alert or thought that I was back...
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not.
I am not back.
Repeat: I am not back.
I'm still in the hall of "Retired Fanfiction Writers"
I'm reposting this for two reasons.
1. It's Tenten's birthday and she's my favorite kunoichi. (Love ya, Tenny!)
2. The original posting of this... well, I was a super-bitch.
I apologize for that.
But the original posting of this was bothering me. So enjoy~!
P.S. There's swearing and such in here. Oh well.
P.P.S. I made a few subtle changes. If you can find them... well, you will be AMA-ZING.
Oh, also, I got some corrections about the food poisioning part.
Sorry for the wrongness of it.
But it works for the story. So just go with it, mmkay?
Tenten didn't like to celebrate her birthday. It wasn't because she really had no one to celebrate with; because she did.
And it wasn't because no one knew when her birthday was; because everyone did. (The ever-growing line of fanboys with presents proved that her birthday wasn't a secret.)
It wasn't even the fact that all her kunoichi friends forced her to go out and celebrate. In fact, she rather enjoyed it. It's not often that the attention is completely focused on her.
No, no, the reason she didn't like to celebrate her birthday it was the fact that her sensei and Lee always did some crazy, so-far-out-there-thing-that-only-Gai-sensei-and-Lee-would-do-it. The only thing that made Tenten laugh was they'd always somehow manage to get Neji to participate.
When she turned fourteen, they had only been put in their squads a few months prior, and of course, celebrating her birthday wasn't exactly high on her priorities list.
Tenten sat patiently in the training grounds at 6:00 am, at her sensei's request. "The earlier we start, the longer your youth will last!" he had said. Lee, clearly worshiping the ground Gai-sensei walked on said he'd be up and here at 5:30. But seeing as how Tenten woke up at 5:35, took a fifteen minute shower, ate breakfast for about ten minutes, then spent the rest of the time on her couch in a half-conscious daze and stumbled out of her house at 5:50, tripped over a log she was too lazy to step over at 5:52 and somehow fell asleep walking and somehow made her way to the grounds at what she assumed was six, and there was no sign of Lee.
'Actually…' Tenten thought as she rubbed her eyes in order to become more awake, 'There's no Lee… Gai-sensei… or Neji. And Neji is always on time!' The weapons mistress hopped up and looked around, determined that something was going on. Finding absolutely nothing harmful to her, the girl stomped her foot – frustrated. 'Where is everyone?! I can't train by my… well… actually, I could.' Cursing herself for not thinking of it sooner, Tenten pulled out two kunai, and was about to fling them when…
Something cold… and wet… and slimy suddenly rushed over her body. Now keep in mind that Tenten is in no way a girly-girl. She did not wear pink or paint her nails or shop for unnecessary clothes. But when she felt that go over her, Tenten let out an uncharacteristically loud scream. Turning around, Tenten saw Lee and Neji standing there, a giant container in between them. When she looked inside it, she saw that it was emptied of something… green. Slowly, Tenten looked down at her clothes.
Which were covered in cold, wet, green slime.
Tenten shrieked. "What the hell?!"
"Tenten! That language is unyouthful!" Gai exclaimed from the trees. "What did you pour on me?!"
"Slime." Neji said, monotonically. "Slime?! Wait… where did you get the slime?"
"I found it in a green pond!" Lee said proudly.
"Happy birthday, Tenten-chan!" Gai and Lee said together.
The training grounds were completely silent. Before Tenten let out a loud scream.
… Tenten did not go to training for two weeks after that.
The day before she was to turn fifteen, Gai and Lee were determined to make it up to her. They even made an effort of telling her ahead of time that they were going to make this the best birthday she's ever had. Tenten smiled, and decided to let them do something for her.
The next day, she was at the training grounds at 6:00, the time Gai ordered her to be there; and unlike the year before, everyone was actually there. "Uhm… am I late?"
"Nonsense! You're right on time!" Gai said, hopping up, grabbing the girl's arm and throwing her down next to Neji before taking his own seat. "Ow… I could've sat here on my own…" Lee pulled out a chocolate cake from behind his back with the words, "Happy birthday, Tenten!" written in purple frosting. Tenten smiled, "Is this it? Only cake?" Tenten looked at the one teammate she could trust not to pull a birthday prank on her. Neji nodded a ghost of a smile upon his lips. "This is it. And I watched them make it." Tenten grinned, reassured that it was harmless. "Okay! Let's eat cake!" Pulling out a (clean) kunai knife, Tenten sliced the cake and passed it around.
About an hour later, the team was training, bellies full of cake.
About two hours later, Tenten asked Neji to take a break because she was feeling a bit nauseous. Neji agreed, not feeling exactly up to par himself. Tenten was drinking her water when she could feel herself tasting the cake again. Trying to shrug it off, Tenten stood, "Okay Neji, I'm ready to--" Stopping abruptly Tenten ran to a bush and vomited into it. Continuing for a whole five minutes, Tenten moaned and tuned to see if Neji had any tips on how to stop her vomiting. But when she looked at the Hyuga on the ground, she saw a fresh pile of mush in front of him; with little bits of chocolate in it.
Needless to say, training was called off for the rest of the day.
Later on that day, around 6:00, Tenten found out via phone call from Lee that the "salt" he put in the salt he put in the cake wasn't exactly salt.
It was food poisoning.
Tenten did not kill Gai and Lee for poisoning her birthday cake.
She did however, plot to hurt Neji for telling her "I watched them" and letting this happen. Then she got a laugh (before she vomited again) when she realized he was wrong in a big way.
She just wished Neji's wrongness didn't have to be so painful on her.
When she turned sixteen, Gai and Lee decided to buy something for Tenten from a street corner. "Keeping it simple." They said.
Too bad their idea of "simple" was giving Tenten a kitten. Not only did she not have money for a kitten, this cat was. A. Demon.
Tenten looked at the cat on top of her television.
And the cat looked back at her. "I hate you!" The cat hissed. Tenten hissed back. "I still hate you." Ignoring the cat, Tenten went into her room, locking the door behind her.
The next morning, Tenten awoke to her living room and kitchen completely in shreds. "…Ugh! I hate you, you stupid cat!" Tenten grabbed her phone and called Neji. "Neji! Get over here and get rid of this cat!" Not even twenty minutes later, Neji was at Tenten's and went to the cat.
"Neji! Don't! Sparkles will attack!" Neji paused. "Sparkles?"
"I had to name it something and, 'That damn fuckin' demon cat from hell!' is too long." Neji shook his head and continued creeping up to the cat.
Sparkles hissed and flew at the Hyuga, claws extended. Neji's eyes widened surprised before he grabbed a book off Tenten's coffee table and smacked the cat with it. Tenten blinked, "My weapons book!" Completely unaffected by the cat on the ground, twitching. Tenten snatched the book from Neji and cuddled it. "Why couldn't you have used…" Tenten went to her bookshelf. "This girly, preppy book?!" She held Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. "I don't care about this one!"
"The cat was attacking me, aiming to kill. I'm sorry I didn't have time to walk over there and grab a book to knock it out. And besides, that's a paperback. Sparkles would've cut through it."
"It would've died splendidly!" Neji sighed.
The next morning, Tenten dropped the cat on Gai. "I'd like to make a return. You take the damn fuckin' demon cat from hell." And Tenten walked away.
And this year… on her seventeenth birthday, Tenten was creeping around to the training grounds.
'No Gai-sensei here…'
She looked around again.
'No Lee here…'
She looked around again.
'No Neji here…' She paused. Was that really a good thing? A few minutes later, Tenten heard the faint sound of wheels.
The wheels were squeaking… 'Oh, no… they did get me something for my birthday…' Tenten sighed and stood in the middle of the training grounds, waiting anxiously. "Oh, Tenten-chan! It's a good thing you're here!" Gai said as he was pulling a giant cake and Lee was pushing it on a giant cart. "Oh, no! Not another cake."
"But Lee and I did not make this cake." Gai said. As proof, he tapped it and the cake let out a hollow sound. "See? It's one of those cakes where someone pops out! Isn't that fun?"
"Gai-sensei… Lee… please tell me you did not get me a stripper."
"We did not get you a stripper." Lee reassured her. "Why? Should we have?"
"No!" Tenten looked around. "Where's Neji?" Gai grinned. "That's what we were getting to! Lee!"
"Hai!" Lee pulled out a boom box from the lower half of the cart and turned it on. "Now!" There was a loud sigh from inside and the top was ripped off of the cake and out popped Neji… in nothing but a diaper with a bow and arrow. "Do the pose, Neji!"
"It's for Tenten!" Neji rolled his eyes and balancing upon his right foot; he put up his left leg, bent it and posed as though he were going to shoot the arrow. "I'm going to kill all of you in your sleep."
Tenten snickered then burst out laughing. "Oh, my god! Neji… you're in a diaper!"
"Gai, you die first. For coming up with this stupid idea…"
"Oh, I get it! You're Cupid! But it's not February…"
"Lee dies next. For putting me in this fuckin' diaper."
"It signifies that you will fall in love one day!"
"Tenten will die last. Because it's her birthday and I'll let her live longer. But you will all. Die."
"Is this a good present, Tenten? Not like the last years?" Tenten laughed louder and shook her head, "This is so great!"
Then again… maybe Gai's and Lee's presents aren't that bad…
Okay, so I still get author subscriptions/story subscriptions and such.
Those make me feel loved.
However, you may stop. I don't plan to update soon. And if I do… well, you'll find me again.
Happy Birthday, Tenten~!