Under My Spell

The more I thought about it as we pulled away from Bobby, the more I wondered how much of what Dean said under that siren's spell was actually true. I know it was supposed to be just some crap that the siren pulled out of him to keep us fighting with each other and pull us apart, but sometimes when you're under a spell, the truth can come out. I wonder if most of it was just based on pent up frustration that he'd been holding back for a while.

Did he really not trust me? Did he really think that I was letting Ruby take control of my life? He still looked pissed off. I'm not sure how exactly to approach this one. He finally broke the silence that weighed heavily on us.

Dean: "Don't let that siren win by taking that staged scene seriously. Sam, if I really felt like I didn't trust you, I'd leave you off with Ruby somewhere."

Sam: "Thanks. That makes me feel so much better. Dude, Ruby comes to me whenever she damn well feels. There's no reason behind when she shows up or doesn't show up. She wants my freak powers not me."

Dean: "Whatever her sick obsession is, it can't be good. I don't think she has your best interest at heart by a long shot. She's still up to no good under that crusader facade."

Sam: "And you know this how, because Casteil and his dick angel friends told you so? I was standing right there when Uriel tried to warn me against these powers of mine. I can't help it if they're useful. It's easier then chanting from the books and it saves the human host."

Dean: "Yes, but what is this strange power doing to you personally? Have you taken 5 minutes to even think why your nose starts bleeding and your head starts pounding the minute you do it? It's taking a physical toll on you. It's the same as being tortured in hell. The only difference is you get to live it on earth. It's got their attention or they wouldn't be warning you against doing it."

Sam: "Since when do you give a shit about what anyone else thinks? You were questioning what their intentions were before. Are we forgetting that Uriel is quick to smite an entire town because there is one bad witch hanging out there? He'd much rather have me drop dead then understand that this power will help in the long run. It will help us win the fight. We don't have the Colt anymore. What else do we have to fight with?"

Dean: "I don't know. The rituals we've had since day one that dad taught us, maybe? They were good enough before Ruby came into this world and they're good enough now. The old ways are not so old fashioned that they don't work anymore."

Sam: "Yes, they still work. I'm not saying that they don't or that you can't use them. But, this is a whole other generation of demons, Dean. They're stronger and they have a lot more tricks up their sleeves then the demons that Dad was teaching us to fight. You've seen them. They even can overpower me with their abilities."

Dean: "Exactly my point. You can still be overpowered and you're not always with me. I don't want you running off with Ruby and getting yourself killed. I didn't come back from hell to watch you die at the hands of another demon."

We pull up at a hotel in another town for the night. Maybe that stuff about Dean holding me back was a little true. I am a better hunter then he is and I haven't forgotten why we're fighting. I still want Lilith's head on a platter and I would like to know why the hell Casteil and Dean are so tight all of the sudden. Is this God's way of pitting us against each other? Am I supposed to be the one to kill my brother? I couldn't possibly do that. Sure, we fight and we argue, but we always make up and we never go to bed angry at each other. I know, it sounds cheesy and chickie, but it's true.

Why do I have to be the one to break that bond between us? Well, what's left of the bond any way. Dean sort of decided to break that when he died and went to hell for 4 months. I had to survive on my own and maybe I got a little too independent and I liked it. I can't help but admit that I liked being on my own for those 4 months. Sure, I was grieving Dean and I missed him when we were fighting evil. But, most of the time it felt good to be on my own and making decisions for myself.

Inside Dean's head,

I don't know what to think anymore. Sure, I know that siren was fucking with both of our heads and he was trying to get Sam and I to kill each other, but how much of what Sam said to me is actually true? Sam doesn't usually say stuff that isn't already on his mind. Does he really feel like I'm holding him back? Does he really think he's a better Hunter then I am?

I don't want to think that this is putting us on opposite sides, but it sure feels like it. I have Casteil taking orders from Uriel and trying to keep my brother alive. I have Sam taking orders from Ruby and thinking he's doing us all a favor helping to get rid of a few stray demons running around. The problem with that is his power is stripping away his humanity. He's sacrificing more and more of himself every time he opens himself up to use that power. His nose bleeds because that power is squeezing his head and the demons are feeding off of that pull. So, sure he is helping and using a handy little tool to get rid of them, but on the other hand, he is slowly turning himself into one of them. The Sam I know is dying each time he uses that power to help Ruby get closer to Lilith.

Maybe this is all my fault. If I never went to hell, this never would've happened. Ruby would've been gone to hell and stayed there and Sam would still be the same old Sam he was before I made that god damn deal. What did I ever do to deserve this? So, this is what Dad meant when he said I may have to kill Sam because I can't save him.