This is my first fanfic and I am very, very nervous about it.
I've just been so inspired by the work that I've seen on here (checkout favourites list) that I couldn't hold back anymore!!
I know there are tons of EPOV fics on here but I wanted to start off with something I consider a little easier for me – plus it's a little Lemony (AHHH)
It may be a one-off for now, but if the feedback demands it I may do more (I fear a floodgate has been opened!!)
I'll appreciate all reviews – but please be gentle *takes deep breath*…..
If you'd asked me a year ago what my thoughts were regarding my existence I may have used words like purgatory, monotonous or even hellish. And I probably would have offered them with no emotion, inflection or care, just words to answer a question that I've reflected – if not obsessed – over for the past 107 years.
An existence that, although has brought me the most amazing family, I'd found banal and, at best, repetitive. Living through other people's thoughts the majority of the time, not through my own choice, I'd come to conclude that mankind was a lost cause, selfish in the extreme, focusing on the most inconsequential elements of their lives, lustful and hateful.
I suddenly found myself smiling.
Placing my arms behind my head and looking up at the ceiling it suddenly hit me; the change that had occurred within myself.
Being the creature that I was, change was not something that took place very often. As a vampire I was frozen, in body and very much in mind.
For over a century my likes and my dislikes had remained the same. My love of music, my dislike of narrow-minded people, my fondness for walking through a rain storm and my adoration for my family lingered. But, as I thought about it longer, all this seemed to pale to insignificance next to the emotions I was feeling now.
Ah yes. The human girl who had entered my life, turned it upside down, shaken it about and watched with awe and love as the pieces settled back. Pieces that fit around her perfectly. Almost like it was meant to be. My heart, the incomplete jigsaw, had suddenly found its missing piece. It seemed a weak analogy to use but that's what I felt.
Our relationship, our love had always balanced, precariously, upon a knife edge. It hadn't taken me long to realise that without her, my Bella, my existence would become meaningless.
Forget purgatory – hell would seem a welcome option than to survive in a world without her by my side. And from painful experience, even surviving was a laughable verb to use.
I'd liken it to asking a human to 'survive' in a desert with no water or shelter. Pointless.
Bella had become my everything. My water. My shelter. And I wanted and tried to give her everything I could.
And therein lay the problem.
As a vampire my thirst for blood is a constant reminder of the monster that silently skulks within me.
My initial bloodlust, when I first met Bella, was the most overwhelming, intoxicating feeling I had ever experienced. I warred with myself, my monster and my family about it. It disgusted me that I'd wanted her so badly. To take her somewhere secluded and indulge in the sweet essence of the blood that swam through her veins.
My water? Yeah right!
But I hadn't, I didn't. Instead I'd fallen in love with her. I'd realised the beauty that encased the liquid that called to me. I'd realised it and embraced it. Embraced her.
My shelter? You get the picture!
I'd fought with the darker side of my nature and come out the winner. For now the bloodlust lay dormant.
Not gone you understand. Dormant.
And as I continued to stare up at the uneven brush marks on the ceiling it dawned on me that it may be ready to erupt.
There was a different kind of lust that was vying for control now. Not even a lust. A desire. Not even a desire. A need. I needed her. Bella. I needed her in so many ways, but recently one way continued to hammer its existence into my brain. And my body.
I closed my eyes as the waves of the now familiar craving for her crept up my torso, lingering deep within my stomach. I sighed and smiled thinking about Bella's assumption that the reason I continually pulled back from her was because I didn't want her.
Didn't want her? Honestly, was she insane?!
I wanted, yearned and longed for every part of her with every part of my being.
I moved to ease the tightness I felt in my groin. Oh yes – so very male – so very human.
I took in a deep breath to try and organise my thoughts and was impaled to the bed by Bella's scent. Her fragrance permeated the room – well it was her bedroom after all – feeling it writhe seductively down into my lungs. This wasn't going to help with the calming I thought wryly.
I sat up and put my chin in my hands realising that the chime of the shower had ceased and had now been replaced with the sound of Bella running the towel over her body. Having vampire senses had its drawbacks. The towel moved over the curves of her, soaking up the pools of water that had collected on her beautiful skin. Over her collar bone, arms, waist and stomach, down further…
You see the problem?
Hearing the door of the bathroom open and the floorboards creaking towards her bedroom I placed my finger and thumb against the bridge of my nose.
Come on Edward, I thought, you've coped so far. Coped? Ha. Try suffered.
Looking up as she entered the room I was momentarily dazed by her appearance. It astounded me that even after 20 minutes of being apart from her - even for a shower – I could find new facets of her beauty that I hadn't noticed before.
The shape of her eyebrow, perfectly arching over her large chocolate eyes, leading to her cheeks, still pink from her shower, to her lips. Lips that were full in all the right places, soft and rouged. Lips that I had noticed had turned into a questioning smile.
'Edward,' she smiled nervously 'Is something wrong?'
Absentmindedly she tugged at her pyjama tank top pulling it so that the hem rested on the waistband of her shorts. I broke slowly out of my reverie, focusing fully on her heart-shaped face. I shook my head slowly, my eyes never leaving hers.
'You just take my breath away every time I see you Bella.' I heard her heart beat increase ever so slightly.
I lifted my hand off the bed to beckon her towards me. Even 6 feet of bedroom seemed like too much space between us. I clasped her hand and pulled her gently so that she was standing between my legs at the edge of the bed. Taking my hand away from hers I placed both of my palms lightly on my knees. I lifted the side of my mouth in a knowing smirk as I remembered that age old saying – 'look don't touch'.
But God knows I wanted to touch her. Feel her. Kiss her everywhere I wanted to. Everywhere she wanted me to.
'What's funny?' she breathed, her hands balling up into small fists at her side. I looked up at her, the smirk fading, knowing that the sadness and regret that I felt would surely show in the golden flecks of my eyes.
'Absolutely nothing Bella. I just…I want…I need to…' I let out a sigh, resigned to the fact that what I wanted to do couldn't be put into words. I felt her fingers under my chin, the waves of longing roaming through my body again like ripples in water. As I looked up at her she smiled, sighing just as I had.
'I know Edward,' she whispered 'I know.'
I lifted my hands slowly, as not to surprise her, and placed them gently on her small hips. Her breathing hitched, as did mine, as I snaked my hands to the small of her back. I raised her tank top and placed my cold ands to her skin. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I placed my cheek against her stomach, feeling her scent contort around my mouth, tongue and nose. I could have stayed there forever, resting on the no-man's land of her body, between her breasts and the most precious of places further down.
I knew this was as torturous for her as it was for me as a familiar scent mingled with her freesia essence. She wanted me too, I knew this, but it would be impossible, dangerous, insanity, crazy, sensual, warm, incredible…
I squeezed my eyes shut trying to black out the images that crept up on me. I hadn't realized I had tightened my grip on Bella's back until she shifted forward, stroking my wrists behind her. I looked up at her, 'I'm sorry.'
I truly was. Sorry that I couldn't do anything for her. For me.
She bent down slowly placing her hands on either side of my face and kissed me. Her lips were so warm. I kissed her back, running my hands up her spine to her neck, pushing my hands through her still wet hair. My lips moved urgently to hers as I pulled her head to me holding her to me, wanting to consume her in all the right ways. As well as all the wrong ways.
Her tongue lightly skimmed my bottom lip, leaving a trail of burning moisture on my mouth. I growled to show my need for her, but also to warn off the dark, skulking creature that stirred deep within. It was almost amusing – like winner takes all – as my desire and longing grew for her, as did the bloodlust. An endless battle between man and beast.
I continued to kiss her passionately, to show her how much I loved and wanted her. I hadn't pulled back yet and I was becoming increasingly aware that one push too far could hurt her, or worse. But my body craved for her too much to heed the warning fully.
She was so gentle that I nearly didn't register Bella pushing me down onto the bed, her knees resting between my thighs, her body laying the full length of mine. I eased her face from mine holding her hair through my fingers. She looked at me with a tumult of emotions sweeping through her eyes. Nervousness, guilt and want. I almost laughed out loud when I realised my face would read identically.
'Bella' I whispered smoothing my hands down her skin of her back. She arched ever so slightly, accidentally rubbing my groin against her body. I felt my dormant centre rear suddenly, pushing venom to my mouth, the bitter taste winding its way around my tongue. I closed my eyes tight and swallowed – hard. With vampire speed I flipped up and over, resting Bella gently back against the bed. If I scared her she didn't let on.
I held my weight above her with my hands at either side of her head. Breathing heavily. A pulsing sensation shook through my body. I suddenly noticed that Bella's top had risen above her bra in my haste to gain control. She noticed the direction of my eyes and looked down. She blushed slightly allowing the warm, red heat to cover her. Her stomach, collarbone and breasts came alive with the delicious blush that held them.
My breathing increased. As did the tightening in my stomach.
'Bella' I whispered not raising my eyes from her chest 'You're so beautiful…it hurts.' It was true. My body ached for her. Ached to be against, ached to take her in all the ways a man could take a woman. The look on her face told me she knew how I felt – the heat emitting from all over her body told me. As I watched her face I saw an infinitesimal change. Her pupils grew and her breathing eased. A decision made.
She slowly raised her tank top up and over her head – dropping it to the floor.
This I could handle I thought, choking back more venom. This I could cope with. Survive. Would she?
I honestly couldn't tell you.
I raised myself so that I was kneeling on the bed. Bella followed my lead, sitting up in front of me. So beautiful. So incredibly breakable. We stared at each other like this for what seemed like an eternity. I had never wanted to read her mind so much at that moment, decode her thoughts and listen to her deepest desires and secrets. I swear, as if she knew what I was thinking, she slowly reached back to the clasp on her bra.
'I…' I couldn't speak, I could barely breathe. My eyes never left her face. I didn't dare look at what she was doing. I could feel the lust, both blood and desire, creeping slowly up my body tensing the muscles in my thighs and back like a coil ready to spring.
She paused. Just for a second. Then realising that I wasn't, couldn't, wouldn't stop her she pulled her bra from her body. The look in her eyes told me that she was offering herself to me. This exquisite, unique, incredible woman was offering everything precious and pure. To me.
'Look at me Edward' she breathed.
'I am' I replied, almost surprised that I could get the words out. I remained focused on her warm, chocolate eyes. I knew what she wanted and dear God I wanted to, but I couldn't look.
'No Edward' she said raising herself to her knees so that hers were touching mine. 'Look at me'
She slowly placed her hand on the side of my face. The warmth to my cool skin made me exhale a breath I didn't even know that I was holding. Bella blinked, momentarily dazed by my scent on her face.
'I can't…Bella…I'm…afraid' I forced out between laboured breaths. I had to be honest with her. I was afraid. I was afraid that I'd lose control and do something wrong, I was afraid I would hurt her, afraid I'd kill her and as silly and egotistical as it sounds I was also afraid that I wouldn't be able to please her, that I wouldn't satisfy her – so not human, yeah?
She smiled at me almost sensing my thoughts of inadequacy, not the hurting or killing parts you understand. So very Bella. 'I love you Edward' she said simply as if that was enough. And at that moment it was. My eyes slid from hers, soaking in her cheeks, down to her collarbone, a perfect shape sitting under the pale veil of her smooth skin. To finally her breasts. I inhaled a sharp breath through my teeth making a hissing noise.
She was perfect. No. More. She was magnificent.
Her breasts, like the rest of her, were pale and supple and, as I felt all my gentlemanly virtues slip quietly out of the window I'd entered through, I suddenly realised all I wanted to do was touch them. I closed my eyes feeling the tightening in my shoulders now, down my chest to my stomach, to my groin. A small moan passed through the venom that had collected at my lips.
'I want you Bella…so much it scares me' I kept my eyes shut trying to control my breathing. Her scent danced around me, trapping itself in every nook and cranny of my body. 'Please Edward' I opened my eyes to see her pleading face inches from mine. 'Please touch me.' Her breath caressed my face, blowing my hair.
I'd vowed to this girl that I would give her everything and anything she ever needed – always – no matter what and honestly it crushed my insides that I couldn't give her this one thing. This realisation must have been screaming from my face as she kissed my lips with a featherlike swiftness. 'Close your eyes' she whispered 'And give me your hand.'
Her fingers lightly moved down the side of my face, down my shoulder, my bicep, my forearm, to my wrist and hand. The trail was like fire to my skin and the not so dormant lust tightened once more. My eyes pleaded with her to stop, but I knew I'd never ask her to not at this point. I was far too willing, too deep in the moment to stop now. I closed my eyes once more as well as my mouth to stop the words of denial from spilling out. I realised quickly that my laboured breath had increased in volume as it passed through my nose. Would she ever know what she did to me? Ever?
Feeling her grasp my wrist, she moved my hand up. I swallowed hard again, biting back the growl and the longing to look that suddenly swept over me. It suddenly felt like time had stood still. Stopped. Paused. Hesitated. The moment settled on the room. Hanging. Waiting.
And then it happened.
My hand was placed against her perfect breast. My palm smothered it with Bella's hand holding it in place. Holding me, in case I faltered. It took me a few seconds to realise that I'd stopped breathing altogether and only a couple more after that to realise Bella had done the same. In my panic to make sure that she was alright I quickly opened my eyes. 'Bella?' I asked, forgetting my yearning for a brief moment. She slowly focused on me as an unfamiliar look crossed her face. 'Breathe Bella' I urged quietly. She took a deep breath and in doing so my hand and hers moved with her chest.
It was the most erotic, sensual moment of my life. Watching her hand and mine rise and fall with each breath.
I watched, entranced as it happened again and again. As I looked from her breast to her face I saw the need in her eyes. 'Please Edward…please.' Her eyes squeezed shut almost like she was in pain. And it was painful. Painful to watch her need me so much and deny her.
But I'd gotten this far, right?
I could go a little further. Maybe. For her? Anything.
Baby steps Edward, I thought to myself.
I took another deep breath, my head swirling with her scent her arousal fighting through the aroma increasing mine ten-fold.
Baby steps. Calm.
I slowly lifted my left hand, shifting m eyes from her face to my hand, waiting for her silent permission. I had permission her face said. I always have. I hissed in another breath as my hand reached her. Encased her. Cupping her. Gingerly, with a courage that appeared from nowhere, my fingertips smoothed the skin from the top of her breast to its peak. Bella moaned so quietly I wasn't even sure it had happened. But the newly woken lust heard it leaking venom into my throat. I continued caressing her, touching her, feeling her nipples harden under my cool fingers. I couldn't hold it, 'Jesus' I moaned into her hair as I leaned Bella back down onto the bed never letting go of her body which was now pressed tightly against me.
Lifting her head our lips met with an urgency that conveyed all the desire that we had been repressing. I knew that we had only come a short way, but deep down I accepted that after this there was no going back. And what struck me most of all was the thought that I really didn't care. My lips left hers and started a trail down her jaw line, licking her cream coloured skin, tasting her. She tasted so good. Like she was made just for me and me alone. I found myself leaning towards the hot pulse that emanated from her throat. With each pulse her blood called to me – Ed-ward, Ed-ward.
It would be so easy. So quick.
The warm sensation of her blood in my mouth down my throat to satisfy the creature that was blatantly pacing the weak fence that now held it back. It was only as my lips began to pull back over my teeth that I realised what I was about to do. I pushed back with enough force to fall back onto the floor at the end of the bed. Panting in anticipation and disgust equally.
How could I allow myself even a moment's lapse in control? How could I be so stupid? So selfish? I growled in anger. I was weak and I hated myself for it. How could I ever deserve this? This love? This acceptance from someone like Bella when I couldn't even guarantee control over myself?
As if to answer my silent punishments I suddenly felt Bella's arms tighten around my shoulders cradling my head under her chin. She was comforting me!! The monster being cradled by the almost victim? I almost laughed at the absurdity of the situation. 'I'm sorry' I mumbled, a part of me hoping that she would suddenly realise how dangerous I really was. But no, not Bella. I felt her stroke my hair, kissing through to the skin of my scalp breathing me in.
'There's nothing to be sorry for Edward' she replied, with what I swear was a smile, 'It's all about baby-steps.'
So…what do you think? *hides behind large sofa*
I'm thinking that if I get enough reviews I'll keep the story going through the stages of Edward's sexual…erm…awakening??
I've tried to keep it in character as much as possible and know that it isn't overly Lemony but Edward in my head would freak out at just about anything. Plus Edward is at his sexiest when he denies himself. Let me know anyway peeps. Adios for now