A/N: This outtake contains spoilers for "Just One of the Guys." If you have not read chapter 9 of that story yet, you probably don't want to read this :). Also, it contains graphic material and mentions of underage drinking, so if you are offended by either of those, stop now.
Oh, and I don't own anything you might recognize. Damn it all.
JPOV – Five Years Ago
I glanced at the clock in the hotel room and realized it was just after 11:00 – Bella should be home from her date soon.
I stood up and stretched with my arms over my head. Lowering them with a groan, I heard a scuffle in the kitchen. I looked down at the guys sprawled out over the floor and the beds and laughed when I heard Jake mutter, "Fucking Paul," as he shook his head, his eyes focused on the TV screen while he raced Quil on Burnout 2.
Judging from the sound of things, Embry and Paul were fighting over the last Mountain Dew. Embry's normally calm voice threatened, "I fucking swear, Paul…" before it was cut off abruptly. I just shook my head and laughed again. It was nothing new. Paul was going to end up in prison some day if he didn't get his temper under control.
"Heading out already?" Jake asked, finally looking up as he beat Quil, which resulted in much cursing and some money changing hands.
I nodded. "Yeah, Bells should be home soon. I want to be there when she gets back to see how her date went."
Jacob frowned, and I barely kept myself from rolling my eyes. He had not been happy when I'd shown up without her tonight. The kid had had it bad for her since he was in sixth grade and we were in eighth. The only one who seemed oblivious to this fact was Bella.
He was a little apprehensive, too, that Bella was dating again. In truth, we all were. It was a good thing, and definitely a necessary step, but I didn't think anything would be able to stop us if she got hurt. Looking around at the size of our guys, I realized it would be one dead motherfucker who hurt our Bella. They grew 'em big on the Quileute reservation.
The guys were in Seattle for a few days, visiting us. We'd all had a hard time adjusting to Bella and I moving away for college, and the two of us went home every chance we got. We'd been in Forks for Thanksgiving, so the guys had decided to come up for a few days at the beginning of Christmas break before all the family stuff took up all our time. Felix, who was a year older than Bella and me, had had to rent the hotel rooms for them because they were mostly all still in high school. He was currently passed out on one of the king sized beds, taking up most of it. That fucker is huge.
"You guys are coming over tomorrow afternoon, right? Bella's got something big planned for us," I said as I grinned.
"Yup," Jake answered, "she said to be there at two – which means you need to finish your character, dumbass." Jacob nudged Jared's knee with his foot. Jared waved absently, not bothering to look up from the laptop screen. He had the goofiest grin on his face. He was chatting with Kim. Again.
I grinned at Jake's frustration. Other than Bella, he'd never really been interested in a girl, and he had a hard time understanding the way Jared was completely absorbed with Kim.
I made my way around the room, telling everyone goodbye and that we'd see them tomorrow. I stuck my head in the kitchen to find that Embry now had Paul in a headlock. I laughed at them and waved before I headed out to my car.
It was cold and rainy – no fucking surprise there. I watched my breath freeze into mist as I walked, my hands stuffed in the pockets of my coat and my shoulders hunched. As I walked, I thought.
I was still shocked that Bella was actually dating again. It had been two long, very rough years. At least she didn't scream in her sleep every night now.
Only every other night.
I frowned at the bitterness in that thought.
As I pulled up to our apartment, I noticed all the lights were blazing, and I realized Bella had gotten home a little early. For some reason, an icy feeling was beginning to build in my gut, though I could find no real source for it.
I walked in the front door calling, "Bells?"
Her voice answered me flatly from the direction of the living room, "Who else?"
The icy feeling grew and spread.
I hung up my coat, furrowing my brow before making my way to the kitchen to grab a drink. My frown deepened when I saw the open bottle of vodka sitting on the counter beside a half-empty container of orange juice.
I made my way slowly to the living room, hoping like hell that my suspicions weren't right. When I got there, Bella was sitting in a small ball on the floor in front of the couch, an Xbox controller in her hand and Capcom vs. SNK 2 on the screen.
I tried to keep my voice cheerful and light as I asked, "So what are you doing home so early, Miss Swan?"
My attempt didn't work. She answered again, just as flatly, "I broke up with Mike."
I waited, not sure what to say.
"Well, more accurately, I fucking decked him and took a cab home, but I think my intent was clear." Her eyes were still on her game. I hated the deadness in those eyes. Anger, hatred, disgust…anything would be better than this…nothing.
Rage flared within me, turning the world red as a film covered my eyes. My voice was steel when I hissed, "Did he fucking hurt you?"
Bella finally looked away from the screen, and a tiny spark of life flickered in her eyes. She looked at me for a long moment, and then her face crumpled and her shoulders shook. She dropped her controller and wrapped her arms around her legs, burying her face in her knees as she shook her head.
Her muffled voice quivered, "I didn't give him the chance."
Swiftly, I moved to her side, pulling her up on the couch and wrapping my arms around her. She said nothing more, simply putting her head on my shoulder. She wasn't sobbing. She was just silently crying, her tears soaking through my shirt and running down my chest. I held her as she cried for an immeasurable amount of time before I felt her lift her head.
She looked at me, her dark brown eyes filled with pain, and I wanted to hit something. Anything. Anyone.
The voice in my head that kept up a constant, muted rant at the asshole that had broken her burst through, filling my head with barely-formed curses. Fucking monster. Should've fucking killed him. Can't believe he's alive. Goddamn smirking bastard. With a concentrated effort, I shoved the voice back, trying to focus on the hurting girl beside me.
I gently caressed her cheek with my thumb. "Bells? What happened, honey?"
She bit her bottom lip and looked down, a single sob shaking her shoulders. After she gained control of herself, she looked back up, and now there was hatred in her eyes – only it was directed internally.
"Nothing. Not a fucking thing. Exactly what I expected to happen." Her face crumpled again, and her chin quivered, but she didn't cry.
I bit the inside of my cheek as I looked at her for a long moment, trying to find the right thing to say. It had been the longest two years of my life – years filled with nightmares, therapy, screaming, crying, and raging for Bella. And, consequently, for me. She had refused to date, refused to even talk to anyone but me and the guys, really. That had slowly gotten better, and she at least appeared to be healing outwardly. So when she had come home a few weeks ago and said she'd accepted a date with a guy in her class named Mike, I thought it was progress. And for a few weeks, it had been, but now…
"I'm not going to therapy anymore," Bella suddenly announced, interrupting my musings.
I frowned and looked up at her. "Why the fuck not?" It came out a little more harshly than I intended but, damn it, it had been hard enough to make her go in the first place.
Bella stared straight ahead as she spoke, her eyes unfocused. "She's done all she can, Jazz. I mean…I'm alright most of the time. I just can't be…physical…with anyone. It's not like I really was before anyway. It doesn't matter." She shrugged.
My heart broke a bit at her words and the look in her eyes. This was so fucking wrong. Bella was one of the most caring people I had ever met. The thought of her spending her life alone was unbearable.
This therapy conversation wasn't over, but obviously now wasn't the right time. So I pulled her back to me, guiding her head to my shoulder, and we sat in silence for a long time. Bella wasn't crying, but occasionally one of us would sigh. I absently stroked her arm, trying to sooth her. My thoughts were a jumbled mess, and I couldn't seem to hold on to one particular train long enough to reach any sort of conclusion. Eventually, I realized that I would have to know what, exactly, happened with Mike so that I would know how to help her…as much as I could, anyway.
Finally, I spoke as softly and gently as I could, "Bella, honey, what happened with Mike?"
I heard her draw a shaky breath as I felt her shoulders heave. She pulled away from me and slid to her end of the couch, drawing one of the throw pillows into her lap and hugging it to her chest. Her eyes were misty, and she bit her bottom lip, thinking for a moment before she began to speak.
"He…" she sighed before trying again. "Well, you know we've been dating for a few weeks…and he said…" she bit her bottom lip. "He said he needed to kiss me." She made a face before inhaling shakily.
Finally, she looked up at me earnestly, and her words started pouring quickly. "God, Jasper, it sounded so good! I mean, just a kiss, right? It's been so fucking long. And I really thought I could handle it – just a kiss. So I nodded, and he came closer, and I saw him close his eyes, but it was like mine were fucking frozen open, so I watched the whole thing. And then his lips were on mine, and it was alright at first, maybe even a little bit nice. So I finally closed my eyes and then…" she trailed off, her jaw clenching while anger danced in her eyes.
I waited as she gritted her teeth, staring ahead, but she didn't speak again. "Then what, Bells?"
"Then I felt his hand moving up my side, and he…he touched me. And I tried to be okay with it, and then I fucking panicked and punched the shit out of him. There was blood everywhere. I screamed at him. I don't even know what I said. And then I left. I found a cab and came home." She shrugged, and the nonchalance in her face was such a fucking lie that I wanted to shake her.
Instead, I scooted closer to her and reached out, taking her hand. I rubbed my thumb across the back of her hand lightly, trying to ignore the anger burning in my chest. I had to remind myself that Mike didn't know her story…and he had actually been pretty patient, all things considered. I still wanted to fucking kill him. I sighed.
Bella's dark brown eyes peered up at me, and she bit her bottom lip, looking for all the world like a child waiting to be chastised. I frowned, furrowing my brow. "Bella, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Don't you dare be fucking ashamed for your reaction to what that asshole did."
Okay, so I was definitely pissed at him, patient or not. Motherfucker.
Her chin quivered before she steeled herself, and in a voice I could barely hear, she whispered, "Jazz, what if it's always like this for me? I can't stand it…I couldn't take him touching me."
"Bella, sweetheart, it wasn't you at all. It was him. It's not touching that you have a problem with…" I reached out, gently caressing her cheek to prove my point. "It's fucking assholes you don't trust that you have a problem with. And that's a healthy problem to have."
She looked at me skeptically before shaking her head and looking down.
"Listen to me, Bells. You didn't trust him. You weren't comfortable around him. It's enough to make anyone nervous, and when you consider what you've been through…" I gently lifted her chin with my forefinger, forcing her to look up at me. "You are a beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring, awesome woman, and you game too – can't beat that shit." I grinned at her. "You will find someone who wants to give you the world, someone you can trust – and he'll be one lucky bastard if you want him in return."
Tears had started running slowly down her cheeks, and she gave me a tiny smile but didn't say anything more.
"What are you thinking, sweetheart?" I finally asked her.
"I'm thinking…" she began but then stopped, biting her bottom lip and looking down at the couch.
"What is it, Bells?" I asked softly.
Keeping her eyes focused on the sofa, she spoke so quietly, I almost couldn't hear her. "I'm thinking about that time we kissed when we were, like, twelve…do you remember?"
I grinned in response as the memory came flooding back to me. We'd been at Bella's house alone, and we were curious. We'd kissed briefly and later wondered what the fuss was all about. In truth, it had been much like kissing Rosalie would be.
"Yeah, I remember. What made you think of that?" My voice was amused, so I was a little confused at first when she blushed furiously and didn't look up.
And then I got it.
I couldn't find any words, so I was still sitting there, staring like an idiot when she finally looked up. After a long, silent moment, I asked, "Bella?"
She looked up at me through her lashes, and her expression was so heartbreakingly vulnerable that I gasped. Well, shit…
Thoughts were fluttering in my mind like hummingbirds, moving so quickly I couldn't begin to make sense of them. She can't want that. Can she? Could I even do that? With Bella? How much worse would I make things if I couldn't…err…well, perform? What if I could perform? What the fuck? With my best friend? What if she freaked out? What if I freaked out?
As these thoughts were still racing through my mind, Bella's face crumpled and she pulled her knees to her chest, resting her forehead against them and hiding her face from me.
Even watching her that way, I was frozen in place. I had never failed to comfort her. Ever. And I couldn't make myself move right now. Too much. It was too much.
I'd never considered Bella that way. Okay, well, "never" might be a bit strong…but not since I was in the height of my horny teenage years, and not often then. Objectively, I knew she was beautiful. And she was the coolest girl I'd ever known, but…it just wasn't like that with us. We'd been through too much together, knew too much about each other. And that attraction wasn't there. I knew it wasn't on her side either.
Bella's shoulders shook as she took a deep breath before looking back up at me. "I have to know, Jasper…" she said simply. "Do…do you think you can…help me?"
I felt as if I'd been ripped in two. My heart was aching for her, wanting to do anything at all to help her. She was hurting so badly, and this was the first time in two years that she'd made the attempt to try anything like this. My brain, however, was screaming Wrong! This is wrong!
Still paralyzed, I watched as Bella began to move slowly toward me. Her hand reached out, taking mine, and my eyes were drawn to where we were joined.
Bella said my name, and my eyes traveled back up to her face. Her eyes were pleading with me, and I realized at once that if I told her no, I could possibly break her even further…and drive a wedge between us at the same time.
But if I did do this…my mind reeled at the enormity of what that would entail. Bella was a virgin. Maybe not in the most literal sense of the word, but in every way that mattered. She was my best friend. She'd been broken so badly that she still screamed at night.
And she was asking me to make love to her.
Fuck. Fucking hell. Fuck. Fuck. My mind couldn't even form coherent curses.
I laced my fingers with hers, and I was startled to notice my hand was trembling. She smiled at me lightly and drew a shaky breath. Her eyes left mine, lighting on my lips as she tentatively licked her own.
Bella began to lean towards me, her eyes still wide.
I'm going to hell. I didn't know if I meant that I was going to hell because I was doing this…or because I wasn't. Either one seemed to apply.
I felt myself move toward Bella, lifting my free hand to gently cup her cheek. I stroked my thumb along her cheekbone and whispered, "Close your eyes, Bella."
Okay, apparently I was doing this. Shit.
My only hope was to close my own eyes and try to forget that this was Bella while trying like hell to remember to be gentle with her. I leaned in closer, tilting my head as I used my hand to guide hers. The fragrance of freesia and strawberry was doing nothing to help me forget who I was about to kiss, and I reeled with the surreal quality the moment was taking on.
My lips met hers tenderly, and she sat utterly still, frozen. I waited, keeping our lips pressed together, until she tentatively pursed her lips, kissing me lightly. I almost smiled at her victory before I remembered what we were doing, and then I fought to keep the panic out of our kiss. This was utterly different from our twelve-year-old kiss of curiosity – this was intended to lead somewhere. Somewhere I really didn't want to go.
I inhaled through my nose and sighed without meaning to as my lips parted. I carefully deepened the kiss, using my lips to open Bella's slightly. She began responding, moving her lips gingerly against mine. She was still too tense, so I lightly ran my hand along her upper arm while the fingers of the hand cupping her cheek gently caressed her neck beneath her ear. Soon, she sighed softly, and now she was deepening the kiss.
It was all I could do to keep kissing her, as my mind revolted and told me to pull away now. I actually jumped when I felt the tip of Bella's tongue tentatively touch my lower lip, and I froze for a moment.
I can't fucking keep acting this way. If I'm going to do this shit, I'm going to have to do it completely.
I forced my mind blank, trying to give myself over to the sensations only – soft lips on mine, the sound of quiet sighs, smooth skin beneath my fingertips…and I was finally able to respond in kind. We kissed for a long time, learning each other as our tongues occasionally brushed and our lips moved in concert. This really wasn't so bad, and a part of me began to hope that maybe I'd been wrong…maybe this was all Bella was asking for.
Against my lips, she whispered, "Please, Jasper…" and I nearly groaned. Couldn't she just be happy with a kiss tonight?
Apparently not. I thought for a moment, completely at a loss as to what to do next. I didn't seem to be able to remember what I normally did with a girl, which was pretty fucking ironic as I couldn't stop thinking about it most of the time.
My body seemed to remember, though, as my hand left her arm and traveled to her ribs. I felt Bella jump and freeze for a moment, and a huge part of me hoped that she would decide she'd had enough for tonight. I didn't want to see that kind of defeat in her eyes, but I really wasn't sure if I could do what she was asking either.
I held still, though, and before long, Bella was kissing me again, this time with a slight edge of urgency. My hand caressed her ribs, slowly working its way upward as we kissed softly, tenderly. Bella was dressed for bed already, wearing the X-Men t-shirt that had been my favorite in the seventh grade before she stole it from me. The thin fabric did nothing to hide the feel of her body, and as my thumb grazed the bottom of her breast, I realized for the first time ever that Bella wasn't wearing a bra.
We both gasped at the same time, and I pulled away slightly to look into Bella's eyes. I was half-hopeful that she realized this was as awkward as I did, but the look of…triumph on her face quashed any of that. She looked so much more hopeful than I had seen her look since before all of this shit, and there was no way I could mess that up for her. So I gave her a small smile, which she returned, before I leaned back in and kissed her again.
It was slightly less weird now that I could see the way I was helping her. I just had to not think about what I was actually doing.
Apparently, I was still pretty damn good despite my uncertainty because, before long, Bella was leaning into me and kissing me deeply. A part of me was pleased with myself, both for making her so comfortable and for the way she seemed to be enjoying it.
As my hand continued upward and cupped her breast, Bella actually moaned, and I smiled against her lips before I could stop it. She smiled back, still kissing me, and I began kneading her gently, my thumb running lightly across her nipple. My eyes flew open and I blinked when Bella nibbled on my bottom lip, but her eyes were still closed, and she was kissing me like she meant it.
The voice was growing quieter.
I felt Bella's warm hand on my thigh, and I was surprised to realize that it felt…really good. The rational part of my mind was slowly drowning in the sensations of Bella's lips on mine and our hands gently exploring each other. Her hand was shaking lightly, as if she were unsure what to do. I hesitated for a moment, knowing what she should do, if we really wanted this to go somewhere. I gave a soft sigh, and reached down, gently moving her hand upward.
I'm going to hell.
Yeah, that voice was definitely quieter.
Bella's hand continued upward slowly as I broke our kiss, trailing light kisses along her neck to the skin just beneath her ear, where I sucked lightly. She shivered, and I smiled, pleased that I was bringing her pleasure.
Her fingers tentatively brushed across the zipper of my jeans, and I was almost startled to realize that I was responding so enthusiastically. When she pressed her hand against me more forcefully, I inhaled sharply and pulled her close to me, kissing her deeply. I lay back on the couch, pulling her on top of me, and her leg slipped between my thighs as both her hands knotted in my hair. She pulled her lips from mine, kissing and nibbling across my jaw. Her body was pressing against mine in delicious ways, and I wanted to feel more of her. I rolled us to our sides, bringing her lips back to mine and running my hand down her side to her hip.
Her hand roamed along my chest, drifting downward until she gently squeezed the erection straining against my jeans. I clenched my jaw, gritting my teeth and trying to remember that this was Bella. It was all getting so fuzzy in my head.
Taking my cue from her, I slipped my hand from her hip, running a finger along the waistband of her flannel pants. I felt her nod as I kissed her neck, licking at the hollow of her throat. She sighed softly and pulled me closer. My fingers dipped into her pants, finding their way into her panties as well. I was trembling, and a part of my mind was confused as hell, but I forgot all about that as my fingers traveled lower, and I felt the heat and moisture pooled there.
Something in me snapped, and this wasn't Bella, my best friend, any more. This was Isabella, beautiful woman with her body pressed against mine and her wetness on my fingertips. I moaned loudly and attacked her mouth, nibbling at her bottom lip as I sucked gently, and my fingers began tenderly caressing her.
My head snapped up and my eyes opened, and I was so fucking confused for a minute. Bella laughed harder at my expression.
Finally, I had to laugh with her as I discreetly pulled my hand from the waistband of her pants. I shook my head. It was so Bella.
"I'm s…sorry," she giggled. "You…you just…sounded s…so…so funny!" She burst out laughing now, her shoulders shaking.
I watched her, amused and relieved and fucking frustrated as hell. "Feeling better?" I asked her.
She nodded, her eyes shining with mischief and happiness. "I umm…I think I'm good," she grinned, her eyes still gleaming.
"Glad I could amuse you," I pretended to huff.
She swatted at me playfully. "Oh, whatever. You know I love you. And…I…really, Jasper…thank you. I'm sorry I laughed." She bit her bottom lip and looked down, worried she'd offended me.
"I love you too, silly girl. And don't apologize…I'm just glad you're feeling better." I smiled down at her, trying my best to ignore the hard on that was going to become painful very soon.
"I don't think I'll be asking you to do that again," she blushed. "But…I can't tell you how much it means to me that you would."
I kissed her forehead as I moved to sit up. She sat beside me, and we smiled at each other. "See? I told you…you're fine. He just wasn't right for you."
She bit her bottom lip and looked down. "Do you think anyone is?" she asked, her voice soft.
I tilted her chin up and smiled softly. "For you, Bells? Without a doubt."