Disclaimer: We don't own Bleach. We merely make fun of it...and enjoy it. Oh, and enjoy making fun of it! YEAH!
-Orihime's Bedtime Story?-
"A long time ago, there was a beautiful princess named Orihime."
A little orange-haired girl giggled, unaware that she had been a fully-grown woman a few hours prior. The forces that had caused her to revert to her six-year-old self had yet to be explained, but at any rate, she looked at the man on the side of her bed with adoration.
"I like this story!" Orihime squeaked, her young form bouncing on the sheets.
With a smile, the storyteller continued. "This princess had three loyal knights."
"What were their names?" the little audience member asked.
"Sir Ishida, Sir Ichigo, and Sir Chad, who for all intents and purposes was a buffalo in this story."
"Why am I a buffalo?" Chad asked quietly from a chair across the room, eyeing his friend sadly.
"Oh, you're a nice guy… I just think it is funny." The storyteller explained, waiting for any further protests, "but I guess you can be human."
Chad gave a thumbs-up, and the tale resumed.
"Now, one day, the beautiful princess was snatched from her castle by a man who looked like a spoon!"
"OOOOIIII!" Nnoitra glared, having just come in the room to kidnap Orihime again since she was vulnerable. However, he now forgot why he was in the area and simply sat down after his hood bounced against the ceiling.
"…" Ichigo stared at the newcomer with a mixture of malintent and confusion. He wasn't the only one glaring, either.
"Why aren't we hurting him?" Ishida whispered the question to Ichigo, who reached for his sword when Renji cleared his throat.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! I'M TELLING A STORY RIGHT NOW! If you even START in here I will rip out your innards and replace them with… um… someone else's innards! And I won't put them in right!"
Orihime's young face contorted in fear. The horrifying look on Renji's face burned itself into her psyche forever.
"Aaaanyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Well, the three knights gave swift chase to the spoon-man."
Nnoitra looked rather uncomfortable at this point, but knew better than to intervene. Instead, he fervently wished a painful death on everyone present (excluding himself, of course).
"The spoon-man was one step ahead of our hapless heroes, and soon had them trapped, with the exception of Sir Chad, who had left the group in search of snacks."
"Why would I be doing that? Do you think I eat too much?" Chad asked, sounding a little stricken.
"No, man, I'm just picking on you again." Renji replied. "Oookay, back to the story. Well, Sir Ishida and Sir Ichigo tried to fight the spoon-man, but he was too much for them. Sir Ishida was downed, and Sir Ichigo was reduced to screaming like a little girl and running away."
"Renji, I'm going to kill you when you go to sleep."
"That's nice, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME TELL MY STORY!" Renji all but bellowed, spit flying everywhere. Meanwhile, Orihime whimpered, suddenly regretting asking for a story.
Seeing his little friend's distress, Ichigo rolled his eyes and leaned back into his chair and onto Nnoitra's hand, which quickly wrapped around his neck and snaked around to the front, where they would attempt to throttle the temporary shinigami for the next three minutes or so.
"Well, just when things were at their worst, the black knight, Sir Renji, rushed onto the scene with his dragon lance and took down the vile spoon-man in one fell blow!"
"Dragon lance?!" Rukia's voice butted in with hysterical laughter. "Are you man enough to use that?!"
"SHUT UP! Whose side are you on?!" Renji shouted, aghast.
"Ahahahaha! Dragon lance….dragon….BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the black-haired woman continued to laugh hysterically, totally unaware of Ichigo's suffering nearby.
Seeing he was getting nowhere, Renji continued.
"The spoon-man cursed the black knight's name and died..."with a quick glance to Nnoitra, he added the word, "…twice."
Nnoitra didn't bat an eye at this, as he was busy smiling maliciously and choking the poor Kurosaki boy, who was trying very hard to signal Renji as to his dilemma. Sadly, Renji was terrible at charades. As far as he knew, Ichigo didn't like peanut butter, and thought the New York Yankees were neat.
"Sadly, the princess had been handed off to the spoon-man's EVIL MASTER, EMPEROR AIZEN!"
The little Orihime hid under her covers, more terrified of Renji's manic smile than of the story itself.
"So she was whisked away to a palace in the middle of a desert that most resembled hell."
"You said a bad word!" the little Orihime scolded, her eyes narrow with disgust.
"Fine. Hueco Mundo!"
"SHUT UP, BITCH! I'M TELLING MY STORY!" Renji yelled, the room shaking.
"Eep!" Orihime squealed, hiding under the covers again.
"The three.. no wait, four now. Four knights galloped on their valiant steeds, except Sir Ichigo, who was riding a donkey that had arthritis and a hard time keeping up with the others."
"Hahahaha! STEEDS! Ichigo! You're riding ASS!" Rukia was flailing with laughter now, punching imaginary things.
"Well, after he fell off his donkey and cried like a baby again…," Renji paused, looking to see why he hadn't been interrupted by Ichigo yet. What he saw next disturbed him, to say the least. Ichigo was quite blue in the face, and perhaps catatonic. His legs were barely flailing, and it was kind of sad to watch.
Renji put a hand to his face and glared at Nnoitra, who loosened his grip after turning whiter than a turnip. "As much as I like him being put in his place, I suggest you don't do that again."
"Do what again?" Nnoitra asked, trying to put on an innocent face and failing miserably.
"The whole strangling thing. It ain't cool, man." Renji replied, an exaggerated eyebrow twitching.
"Now, back to my BLEEPING story! Anyway, the knights had almost reached their fair princess when all of a sudden, the black knight showed up!"
Orihime, intrigued, inched out of her coverlet.
"Wait, weren't you the black knight?" Rukia asked, finally having recovered from her fit of laughter.
"Um, well. This was the BLACKER Knight! Darker than the darkest night, Sir Ulquiorra!"
"Damn straight." Came a dark and sinister voice from the window, which was still open because no one had thought to shut it. Unhindered, the arrancar entered the room, causing everyone to become very, very quiet.
"Don't move. Maybe he'll go away," Nnoitra whispered to himself, only to feel a chilly sensation caused by Ulquiorra's all-seeing green eyes.
"SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO TELL MY STORY!" Renji Abarai shrieked, veins popping out of his neck. No one said a word after that, as Renji having a stroke would not be a good thing.
"So, the Blacker… Knight… KILLED SIR ICHIGO!" the storyteller laughed. A rare smile crossed the aforementioned arrancar's features. Ichigo put a hand over his face while catching his breath.
"Why?! He didn't die, did he? Ichigo!" Orihime whimpered, causing Renji to roll his eyes.
"No, sweetie, he didn't die. I was paraphrasing." He comforted, hand outstretched. Soon, however, it balled into an excited fist.
"No, he was viciously beaten, bruised, and SLAUGHTERED! Left to rot in a pool of his own blood!"
Trauma was evident in Orihime's shocked stare. She actually started to cry, but Renji ignored her.
"Renji… maybe we should leave," Chad said quietly, not making any sudden movements. Ishida gave a nod of assent.
"Maybe you should stop interrupting me, you stupid buffalo!" Renji seethed. Chad sighed to himself, wondering if Mayuri had slipped something in his friend's drink again.
"So, okay, long story short-just when Ichigo was lying in a pool of his own blood, the princess was brought out of her jail by a dashingly handsome blue-haired knight." Renji accentuated the compliments, so as to piss Nnoitra off.
"Whoohoo!" Grimmjow whooped, having just entered through the wall next to the window, causing a resounding crash. Soon after, however, he coughed up blood, his impaling wound apparant.
"Nnoitra, you're it!" Grimmjow said jovially, an evil on his face. All eyes, after staring at the hole in the wall, shifted to Nnoitra, who suddenly seemed much smaller.
"Oh, shit." The fifth espada whimpered, color leaving his face. The blade of Grind Pantera was soon shoved through his torso.
"No tagbacks~!" Grimmjow sang, pulling his blade out from Nnoitra's writhing form. Ichigo tried to stifle his laughter, while Orihime tried to process what was going on.
"Curse you, G-Grimmjow!" Nnoitra spat, bleeding heavily.
From the back of the room, Ulquiorra cleared his throat. "You know, I could be 'it' in this game."
Grimmjow and Nnoitra both threw up their hands in surrender. "No, no! We wouldn't want to be a burden!" Of course, they didn't realize a book being thrown in their direction until it was too late.
PAM! Within milliseconds, the two espada were on the ground, Nnoitra still bleeding heavily. Ichigo put his feet on the latter arrancar, smiling at his misery. However, Renji didn't share this contentment, as he was the one who threw the book seconds prior.
"LET ME TELL MY GOD-DAMNED STORY!" he screamed, his face red with rage. Elsewhere, Mayuri took notes while watching the fruits of his labor from a camera on Renji's robe.
"SO, THE PRINCESS-!" he took a deep, shuttering breath. "So, the princess saved Sir Ichigo, but the knight Grimmjow would soon pay the price, as he was brutally murdered by the spoon-man."
"I thought the spoon-man was dead." Rukia interjected.
"No, no. That was the spoon-man's subordinate."
"Be more specific, then!" Rukia scolded, hitting Renji on the back of the head. Unfortunately, it hurt her more than it hurt him.
"Okay! Well, now the black knight really killed the spoon-man-"
"Which black knight?" Ishida asked.
"Me, stupid!" Renji retorted. "And then the black knight swooped in and saved the princess and lopped off the head of Emperor Aizen, da end."
The room got very quiet. Everyone felt a mixture of disappointment and fear from Ulquiorra's all-seeing eyes.
"That's IT?" Ichigo asked. "No big ending? No kissing, no… well, storyline!"
Renji rounded on his rival, nearly foaming at the mouth. Ichigo paled, seeing that his friend wasn't really himself anymore. However, before he was horribly murdered, Captain Mayuri of the 12th Division flew into the room.
DA END. : D
Author's note: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If you think this was bad, you should see the other guy! After all, we had fun writing this. Our sides hurt.