Summary: Tristan's thoughts on love and desire
Comments & Reviews: positive comments welcomed
Disclaimer: the King Arthur lads sadly aren't mine - they still belong to Jerry Bruckheimer & Touchstone Pictures, more's the pity ...
A/N: "hunger" - i) desire or craving; ii) " to hunger for/after " - to have a great appetite or desire for ...
Warning: slashy themes
Tristan's point of view:
It's my fault that this is all a bloody mess, yet I can't help it ... By the gods, I've tried to fight it and I've struggled hard against my feelings and the attraction that increases tenfold with every passing day. But I am weakening. My resolve is gradually crumbling to dust and in a way, I am glad ... If I'm truly honest, I am happy about it, for I am in love. I'm in love for the first time in my life, genuinely, madly and deeply in love, and it's the most terrifying, exhilarating and awesome feeling I've ever experienced.
Being in love and being loved is a good thing, right ? Only this is where my problem lies. How do I tell the person I adore with all of my heart and soul, how I truly feel ? How do I tell my best friend of fifteen years that I've fallen for him ?
I have always cared for him. But somehow, without my awareness, deep affection has turned to deeper love. I long for him - desire him - and I covet him more than anyone I've ever wanted ... But I'm unable to tell him this - I cannot speak of it.
I fear my feelings for him will repulse him. That he will shun me. Yet I know, deep down, that he would never do that to me. For my Dagonet is a good man. A gentle, kind-hearted man, pure of soul, in possession of neither cruelty nor malice.
Despite this, at the back of my mind, there is a deep-rooted fear of rejection. Huh ! Who would have guessed that Arthur's bloodthirsty, death-dealing scout, actually recognizes and knows fear ? But it's the truth ... I dread him knowing, as I do not wish to lose his friendship.
It is strange that I - a lone wolf, a creature of darkness and violence - have become so dependant on another person for my happiness. But Dag's companionship means the world to me and makes me truly happy, and I've said before that I would rather slit my own throat than lose the one person I value the most in my life.
When I'm in his presence, I feel calm and at peace. Only Dagonet is capable of soothing the raging beast that resides within me. He's the light which bathes and warms my cold, empty soul and his rare, shy smile alone brightens my spirit and has my body tense with desire.
I want him so badly that I ache and this need for him, this hunger, grows stronger day by day. I know, deep in my heart, what I feel for my rock - for he is the one man who is able to keep me sane and grounded - will never diminish. It will only intensify and I know I will never care for anyone as much as I love my Roxolani healer.
He is everything that I am not and everything I need. I want to rest my battle-weary body and be enveloped in his strong, reassuring embrace. To be held by him until I forget about everything and can think only of him ... I yearn for his touch and constantly dream of how his lean, powerful, muscular body would feel against mine. I catch myself covertly watching him and often imagine how that beautifully shaped, sensual mouth of his would feel beneath my lips and wonder what it would taste like as I gently run my fingers along the vicious scar that mars his ruggedly attractive face ... the thought alone is enough to make my body harden with need and desire.
I love Dag's strength and quiet detemination; his patience and tenderness and his dry sense of humour. And I admire his sharp intelligence and wisdom. But most of all, I greatly respect him for his skill as a healer and for his loyalty and courage as a warrior. He's an honourable yet humble man, and despite the chaos and insanity that we live in, Dag has managed to hang on to his compassion and remain selfless. For those reasons alone, I cannot help but love him.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for Dagonet. Hell ! I'd give up my life for him if it meant he was safe and well. I want - no - I need him to be happy and unlike me, I know he longs for the fighting to be over so that we may all return home to Sarmatia. I feel his pain and sorrow every time he's forced to kill someone in battle. That he feels a part of him also withers and dies with every kill he makes ... and I understand when we arrive safely back at the garrison, why he has a desperate need for solitude so that he can be alone with his thoughts.
I love Dagonet more than life itself and have accepted it. I rejoice in it, even though I've no intention of ever confessing my feelings to him. I have made my choice and will stand by it, if it ensures I will not lose my best friend. I may not like it, but I will put Dagonet's happiness and our fifteen year friendship ahead of my own needs.
In the long run, I will always have Dag first and foremost in my mind and will try and do what's best for him, even if it means I will end up consumed by it. To me, that's what love is. A deep and intense emotion with an intrinsic need to protect your beloved from all harm, putting their welfare first before the raging hunger you feel ...