Hell Bound Harry


Herman Tumbleweed

Disclaimer: I'm not always rational, but even I won't lay claim to a multi-billion dollar world of fantasy that has become its own industry. More's the pity, though, that I can't.

Please Note These Cautions: Not everything written is to everyone's taste. This story contains extremely frequent swearing, and considerable bashing of many characters, mostly Dumbledore, Ron Weasley, and Ginny Weasley. It also is rather dark and a considerable departure from my usual happier works. If you don't like portrayals of near insanity or any of the other things I've mentioned, please don't read this. I have warned you, so if you complain about any of the above in a review or otherwise I will happily refer you to this notice. As with all my stories, this is written for a mature audience, with mature understandings, and advanced reading skills.

What follows is decidedly AU, and, even though I stick as close to canon as I can, some details will be quite different. The entire tale is told first person from Harry's point of view as he answers questions for someone and relates many of the things in his life, some canon and many made up by the author. Some may find this style difficult to read, so please, if it is a problem for you don't get angry, just go on to one of my other stories, or to something else. I would also caution that this is extremely long for a single chapter story, but broken up it would lose the flow. If you choose to continue, I hope you enjoy the darkness and embrace the madness.

Chapter the First (and only):

Wow, man, thanks for the fags. Can't ever get a good smoke in here, and I just never could get used to a pipe. Borrowed one once from some poor bastard who didn't know he was still alive, let alone in here. He told me he didn't need it any more because he was dead and now lived in Nirvana, whatever the fuck that is.

Poor bloke, he really did die a week or so later 'cause he stopped eating, and probably drinking water. Poor fucker. Shite, man they don't treat ya right here, y'know? But I appreciate a good smoke now, ain't like the things are gonna shorten my life any more, now are they, not since I'll be dead in ten years or less, at least that's what I hear.

The fucking astronomy tower? Oh, well it took a couple minutes till I could move after Snape, and Malfoy, and the other fuckers ran from the tower. Huh? Yeah, there was a whole fucking crowd up there. Dickheads. The grease-ball had the ferret by the scruff of his neck and the blonde berk… hehehe, I like that, blonde berk… anyway the pussy looked right dazed. I guess I might have looked the same at that moment, and in the same circumstances. But then, I've never tried to kill one of the most powerful men alive either, so I guess I'll never know.

Erm, actually I guess I have tried that, though at the time I wasn't exactly trying to kill the bastard, just save my own arse. That was not one of the funner times I've had in my life, I'll tell ya that, thanks to the fucking wankers… That? I'll tell ya later, man. Y'know? I always felt bad about Cedric; tried to blame myself for a long time, but Hermione, the sweetest girl in the whole fucking world, helped me see there was no blame in it but the ones who actually killed him. Well, and the ones who let it fucking happen. Cocksuckers.

Right! Back at the tower… hehehe… I'm fairly sure the blonde ponce shit his pants, hehehe; sure smelled like it. Anyway, the rest of the bloody pathetic losers followed right after those two and then a few minutes later the Petrificus faded. I went to look over the parapet at the scene on the ground, not that I could see much. The moon and the dark mark didn't give much light, just enough to see the small looking splotch lying at the foot of the castle.

I honestly did not know what to do next. I hadn't really liked the sorry old bastard, not after the end of my fifth year. That's when he admitted a lot of what he had done to me over the years. From other sources, I had learned even more, mostly just snippets of info here and there, but then put clues together and sussed a lot more in the months following that. He really was a sick bastard, y'know. I assure you he didn't tell me nearly all that night of what he had done to me. I twigged on things later though, people told me shite, y'know? And I sussed a lot, especially after I got thrown in here, and believe me it took a lot of thinking; but then I ain't exactly had much else to do with my time the last few years, now have I. Still, he'd been a great man in his day, or so everyone seems to believe, except me, and had been an important figure in the lives of so many people up until the moment when Snake…

What? Yeah, up till my fifth year at good old Hoggy I thought he'd been a great man to me too. Then it was like he didn't want to know me and wouldn't talk to me. Then he lays all that shite on me at the end. Wanker. I sussed a lot of his shite that summer, and I was fairly cheesed by the time we got back to school for sixth year. I have no idea why I didn't nail his arse to the shithouse door that night we went to con Slughorn. But I guess it'd only been a couple of weeks or so and I hadn't reckoned it all yet. Gods, I was a stupid shite that year.

I have always despised that bat-like worm fucker that actually did kill the sorry old bastard. How anyone over the age of ten could hold a grudge against someone who had no idea why the grudge was being held against them… especially when it had to do with that person's father and not the child himself… How anyone could be called a professor and not actually teach, but just sneer at over three quarters of the students, is still beyond me; always will be.

How anyone could not be held accountable for all the things he had done, and not done, by the sorry old bastard who then died at the hand of that… that… thing I will sure as hell never know. How the old man never took the time to rein in someone who was creating a bigger rift in the school; who was aiding Snake Face by helping create more spoiled and coddled arseholes for it to use as cannon fodder, amazes me yet. It made no fucking sense then, still doesn't, and probably never will. Was the old fart that fucking blind and so caught up in his greater friggin' good shite?

But then very little in the so-called Wiz World makes sense, now does it. We have a people who use money which you can not figure in your head, no matter how good you are at maths. Seventeen Knuts and twenty-nine sickles, my dyin' arse. Well, I take that back. I suppose Hermione could, but damn few others. Goblins probably can, I guess. We have a society where it seems that the only one making any rules or laws is a despot elected by other despots, based on Merlin only knows what shite-based criteria. How do you become Minister of anything when you don't have the gods-given sense of how to do your job? Do it so you are actually friggin' doing something not just fucking trying to look like you are? Rat bastards.

Instead we have people in that fucking office who don't actually bother to do things, just want to look like they are by throwing innocent people in here and shite like that. Strut around looking all puffed up like a popinjay… rat bastards. Throw people in here like Hagrid who wouldn't hurt a flobberworm… er, well, he is kind of out there... But, shite, he certainly would never hurt anyone that wasn't trying to hurt him or his friends. He sure as Hell wouldn't purposely allow someone to be harmed. It just isn't in the nature of the oversized… lad. Fuck, only reason fucking Malfaker the shithead got hurt third year was because he was so fucking ignorant and poncey he didn't listen. The dumb fuck.

And they chucked in people like that chap from the Knight Bus, Stan, who never hurt anyone either, just gave them rides that a lot of Muggles would pay very good money for at an amusement park. Alright, it was him and Ernie, and Ernie was actually driving. But poor fucking Stan was just taking the money, and then he said something stupid when he'd had a few one night and was half pissed, and they threw him in here. Poor bloke. After the second time, when the shitheads threw him back in, poor sod didn't last two months and he was dead. Poor fucker didn't even get a trial. Cocksuckers.

Shite, he was one of the few who really could have claimed the Imperius Curse was controlling him. I think he died because he could remember all the shite the fucking Death Suckers made him do under it. You people never heard of equal justice under the fucking law? Everyone deserves a trial by their peers? But then the fucking Wizengamuck ain't exactly peers of some poor bastard like him, now are they. Shite! Me either, come to that.

No, we have here a world where that old saying is the truest thing on Earth, man. Life truly is like a shite sandwich; in the Wiz World, the more bread you got, the less shite you gotta eat. Just ask the fucking goddamned Malfoys and their ilk. What was that one guy's name? Selwyn? Yeah, ask him; seems like someone's gold sure kept him from having to eat shite between wars. Just kept right on doing his worthless fucking job at the Mankistry, now didn't he.

Didn't do me any good though, did it. I must not have enough bread, even if I heard not long ago my parents had enough they didn't work, except for in the sorry old bastard's Order of the Flaming Ruptured Duck. I wonder whose vault all of that went into. Scrimgouger's? Malfucker's? Maybe it just got leeched into the coffers of the Ministry to fight the war… No, not the one against Foldadork. Hah, that never would happen! Stupid shitheads didn't know how to fight him.

I mean the war against those who cannot hope to fend for themselves very well in the fucking Wiz World, man, the Muggleborn witches and wizards, the average werewolf or other so-called dark creature on the street, and the mixed blood families out there. None of them ever got a decent education in how to defend themselves thanks to the two greatest gits of all time. I bet the fucking Purebloods get all kinds of fucking shite taught to 'em at home.

Yes, I'm speaking of both of the so-called leaders; one dark as the inside of a hippogriffs arse, and the other supposedly light. Now there's a fucking laugh. Old fucker mighta been light at one time, the twisted shit head. Those two men did more to bring about the end of magical society in Britain, maybe the world, than anyone in history.

What? You think I can't read between the fucking lines? Well, maybe no one else has any way of knowing all that I know, I guess. After all, how many people got "special lessons" with the Great Man himself? I saw some things he had seen at times, the things he could have changed. Yeah, in his Pensieve.

Of course, he only showed me what he absolutely had to for me to figure out how to defeat the snake shit bastard. That's as opposed to the sorry old bastard, in case you didn't figure that out on your own. Hehehe… How many people could have been saved from that monster if only the stupid sorry old bastard had taken the time to try to understand, to try to help the confused, sick child he took from an orphanage and brought into our world. There was no one else who knew unless he told them, which I doubt.

He never told anyone anything he didn't absolutely have to tell them. The sorry old bastard would keep a secret for no other reason than that he could. He was like a congenital liar. I think that's what Hermione called them one time; people who lie for no other reason than that lying is what they think is easiest, or some such shite. He kept secrets the same way. I suppose the case could be made that he was a congenital secret holder, which would also make him a congenital liar, wouldn't it. Lies of omission, I think they call them.

Huh? Oh, yeah, the sorry old bastard was the one to introduce Tom Riddle to the Wiz World, and then sent him right back to that shit-hole orphanage every fucking summer. Fucking idiot.

Should call it your world, y'know. Ain't never been mine! I only fit into it for a very short time once or twice, and never was fully accepted by it. Shite, the sorry rat bastards at that fucked up school only liked me some of the time. A good part of the time I was either some dark wanker and trying to kill them all, or I was "the fucking devil incarnate, insane, attention seeking prat of the year". That last of course was mostly thanks to Fudgehead and the Draining Profit. Cocksuckers.

Anyway, back to task here, why couldn't he or Dippet, not to mention anyone else on staff in the nineteen thirties, have taken the time to take a confused and already warped boy into their home, or gotten him placed with a good family? Would it have been so hard? The boy was obviously not quite hittin' on all cylinders… er, sorry, Muggle term. He wasn't playing with a full Wizard's Chess set, alright? He was just out there by the time he went to Hoggy Warty and the sorry old bastard knew it! He'd heard it from the people at the orphanage, and from the snaky little bastard himself, for Merlin's sake! Was the sorry old bastard so wrapped up in his guilt over his old boyfriend, the one who was stirring up so much Pureblood shite then, that he didn't care about saving a child from sixty-odd years of Hell on Earth?

Yep, that's all true. Bent as they come, and I'll tell ya 'bout that in a minute.

You think I'm exaggerating? The boy became as warped as they come by the time he was sixteen, for Merlin's sake. He killed his first person; I think it was Myrtle… Yeah, Moaning Myrtle, if I'm not mistaken, by setting the basilisk on her. He apparently used her death to create the first Horcrux. That fucking diary that was the reason I, as a friggin' second year, had to kill that bloody humongous fucking serpent

Yes, it really did exist, and yes, I really did kill it. No, I won't talk about that now. Horcrux? Yeah… wow, you… well, no reason you should know what that is, I guess. Most people wouldn't since it's a well kept secret, well, kinda… Lemme get on with this part and I'll tell ya later.

He then killed his father and grandparents shortly after, before he was even out of school, I think. Don't you suppose that if someone had taken him under their wing, so to speak, when he was eleven that they might have turned him from that path?

Y'know the real problem with both of those fucking poofter cocksuckers was that they were so steeped in the Wiz World that they couldn't accept that it didn't have all the answers.

What? You didn't know they were both bent? Light in the loafers? Yeah, they were gay. Both of 'em. The rumours about the sorry old bastard were quite true. And why you think Tommy never had kids? It wasn't because he was too busy learning the fucking dark lord business. It was because he didn't like girls. Well, to be fair, he didn't like anybody, but he especially didn't like females in that way. I think he mighta done a few birds just to dominate or terrorize a few times, but he never liked women for women, liked little boys though, the sick fuck.

He liked Bellatrix Lestrange as well, because she was as warped as he was. Never fucked her, I'm sure, she just wasn't his type. Hehehe… Sorry bitch was gay as well, so she never hit on him either. She only did her husband and brother-in-law because she had to. That's why she always had a handmaiden, or female slave around. It was usually some poor Muggle girl, and most of 'em didn't live long. Bella would get pissed, or pissed off – hehehe, love that, pissed or pissed off, hehehe – and blow 'em away. Cruciatus will kill if held long enough, y'know. She loved that one. The fucking bitch.

Don't shake your head at me over that. Yes, she did both of the boys when she absolutely had to. How else you think Rudy kept his useless fucking brother around? Hmm, maybe that should be Rody? Sure spelled his name funny.

Naw, the truth is I got nothin' against being gay, unlike most of you wizidiots. Nobody ever tried to make me into their little fuck toy, even in here, so no reason for me to. Besides, my fucking relatives were violently against gays, so of course I got nothing against it. Gay or straight? Or into that bondage and chains and whipping each other shite? Into animals, or whatever? That's your business. Whatever floats your fuckin' boat. Hehehe, good pun there, eh? No, I used those words because that's the terminology you wizidiots understand.

I mean, being gay and all that shite ain't exactly accepted by you fucking rat bastards is it? Even if it is rampant in your arse-backward society, you fuckers would never admit it. Nope, can't be anything but man on top, woman on the bottom, get it over with quick and make sure the lights are off, for you dumbasses. But me? I got nothing against anyone else's desires or lifestyle, or whatever you want to call it. Like I said, it's their thing, and I couldn't care less as long as they leave me alone.

Besides, I never got laid but once, and that was by that carrot topped whore. She said she was a virgin, but she sure as hell wasn't. I could tell she'd done it before, even if I never did. I mean, shite, she was telling me what to do. She must have thought I was one dumb bastard. It was just before the sorry old bastard's funeral. That was the real reason I broke up with her. I knew she'd been fucking Dean, heard him talking in his sleep, but I figured it was just because he wanted to, not that he actually had; at least until I fucked her, that is. Shite, the sorry little cunt was too fucking loose to be a virgin. I mean, I'm no expert obviously, but the signs were there she'd been doin' it with someone. And I heard the whispers, though people thought I didn't. I never quite caught her and him at it, but I think I almost did one time. That's why it didn't surprise me she… what's that stupid term? Oh yeah, wasn't pure as the driven snow. Shite; that cunt was well fucked, I found out later.

Ah well, she was my one and only fuck, what can I say? I heard she turned up pregnant a few months later and didn't know for sure who the daddy was, so she said it was mine. Kid had really curly black hair, and was quite dark complexioned. That sound like my kid or Thomas's?

That right? Huh, didn't know they'd put a time limit on ya. Makes sense though, they can't keep the Dementoids from keeping us sorry fuckers miserable for too long, now can they.

Dementoids? Oh, got that from my fat-arsed cousin after the fucking Toad Woman sicced 'em on me between fourth and fifth year. Fucking Dudley almost bought it that time, but I used a Patronus. What did I get for my fucking trouble? Vernon yelling his lungs out, a fucking trial in front of the whole god damned Wizengafuck, and the sorry old bastard ignoring me except to help keep me from being railroaded into here sooner by Fudgefucker.

Yeah, you come back tomorrow same time; we'll have tea and crumpets. Hehehe…You like crumpets? Hehehe… I'll get the house elves to make us up some, I'm sure they won't mind, poor little fuckers. Been workin' in that draughty old rock pile for hundreds of years for nothin, but at least it ain't like this fucking draughty old rock pile, lucky little bastards. But, it's like Hermie said, just fucking slaves, poor little buggers. I sure do miss my Hermie, y'know she was the light, man. The true light o' my life. And they ran her poor cute little arse off from the Wiz World…

Oh yeah, thanks. Tell her I said Hi back. I always liked her, y'know? She was cool. Hehehe, Hi back, now that's funny… Oh, and thanks for the smokes… Wish she could come visit, tired of lookin' at worn out fucking old guys all the friggin' time, even if she ain't my Hermione… Later, man…

Yeah, shite… probably won't see you till I'm a rotting corpse, ya fucking wanker… Oh joy, here comes my favourite soul sucker.


Ah, so yer back again are ya. Nope, not a bad time at all for me. Shite, not a good time either, what the fuck you think? I got no good times or bad times in this fucking place, it just is, man.

Ya got a fag man? I could use a good smoke. Hard to get, and I never had one till they put me in here. What the fuck; I'm gonna worry the bloody things'll kill me or somethin'? Wow, man, thanks, Muggle ones and all. Y'know them wizidiot made ones taste like fucking camel dung or somethin'…

Oh yeah, well tell her I said Hi back… hehehe, love that one… and tell her I miss her, as well.

How do I know all this shite that I fucking know? You won't believe me if I tell ya, but I will anyway. This shit-hole had a strange effect on my… connection to the dark tosser.

Fuck! I wish you'd quit interruptin' me. I called him that 'cause it was true. He used to do that a lot, I told ya he was a pervert, and I don't mean because he was gay; but what's it matter to you? Oh, never fucking mind, man.

What's funny is that I think the sorry old bastard did too. When I had those "special lessons" with the sorry old bastard my sixth year, sometimes he excused himself and he'd be gone for a few minutes or so. I just figured he was like a lot of old guys and it took him a long time to piss. But a couple times he just smelled funny when he came back, and it didn't smell like shite. And, he looked a little sweaty. Didn't think shite about it then, so only later when I found out the motherfucker was bent did I figure out he was wankin' in the loo; probably thinking about what he'd like to do to me, the sorry-arsed old bastard.

Yeah, I think he might've started to come onto me a bit a few times, but always held himself back. That was when he'd go and wank; I'm sure of it. Probably didn't want The Fucking Boy Who Lived to accuse him. That, or he didn't want to risk me being tainted in any way so I'd not still be his perfect weapon. But enough on that shite.

What do I mean, weapon? Shite, tell ya later; fuck me. What I was saying last time is that the problem with both of the sorry-arsed old rat bastards was that they were so steeped in your world, so highly enamoured of your ways that they could be as gullible as any first year taking sweets from Fred or George Weasley. In other words they believed in stupid fucking prophecy. I'm here to tell you, prophecydoesnotexist, but those two stupid fuckers believed in it and then fucked up my life over one.

No, it really is just bullshit. Tell ya later, shite…

You didn't know that? No, I guess you couldn't have. Only a few people even knew that one existed and they're mostly all dead but me, I think. Not getting much in the way of news in here, now am I, so I've no idea who's alive and who ain't, really. Not that I give a rats red arse about anybody 'cept my Hermione, and she's fucking gone. Might be some old tosser in the Department of Mysteries who remembers it, but you know he ain't gonna tell anybody. And that's what I mean, they got a whole big room down there to house records of prophecies, and the fucking things are useless until after the fact. And even then they are open to interpretation on what they really meant. So what fucking good are they, except to show that some old bat told somebody something about something that was maybe gonna happen, and then the silly old twat can look back and say, "See I made a fucking prophecy, ain't I fucking special?" Shite, rat-brained shitheads.

But anyway, there was a prophecy in the Department of Mysteries about me and Riddle-the-Snake-Man, and during my fifth year at good ol' Hoggy Warty the dumbass Order of the Roasted Turkey were trying to guard it from Tommy and his minions.

Yes, I know a lot of people call them followers, but to Snake Shit they were minions, cannon fodder, people to use and throw away when their usefulness was at an end. Look at the Badfaiths, I mean Malfoys. Hehehe… Lucky Lucy fucks up at stealing the prophecy, after the sorry old bastard let me get led there by not telling me about the fucking thing in the first place. Then, Narcissa fucks up with Gringotts and can't access the big money for the sorry-arsed snake-lipped shithead, so she's not in his good graces… Oh, you didn't know about that? Tell ya in a minute. Then of course, we come to the scion of the Badfaiths, the blonde ferret himself. Actually he fucked up before his mummy, not that it friggin' matters.

You never heard that story either? Man, you been hiding under a rock, I swear. Hey, did I ever finish telling you about the fucking astronomy tower? Fuck me, can't remember shite in here.

But anyway, the stupid ferret does manage to let the Death Munchers into the castle, all six of 'em. Who was in charge of that mission, anyway? Hell they coulda overrun the castle from that cabinet. I swear, Snake Lips had the worst fucking strategies you ever heard of. I bet Ronnie the Weasel coulda beaten him at chess in six moves. But, yeah, the ferret lets in the wankers, then all he has to do is track down the old man and kill the bastard. He's going up the astronomy tower, already knows that's where the old man is headed, but when he gets the drop on the sorry old bastard, can he pull the trigger? Oh hell no. Snake has to come along and save his sorry little arse.

What? Oh pull the trigger is a Muggle term, and I won't bother explaining it to you. Your whole fucked up society is so far behind they'll never learn what things like that mean. At least, not till it's way too late. You've been stagnant for what, three- four hundred years? Don't believe me? Go look in your Ministry's record books and see when was the last time a major advance was made in anything. Sure, they've come up with a few new spells here and there, but you're stagnant as a scummy pond in August.

Merlin dammit! Did it again. I was talking about the friggin' prophecy that put me in here, wasn't I? Yeah, the rest of that was that the two fuckwads, the Light and Dark Tossers, believed in this thrice damned prophecy, and who should get caught in the middle? You guessed it, little ol' me. The kid with the scar. Orphaned at a year old.

See, the problem was that Trelawney gave the prophecy to the sorry old bastard, and at the same time Snivellus Snake, who later on was the piss poor potions professor, hehehe… love that… Yeah, always hated that fucking bastard because he always hated me. Don't let anybody fool ya, he was no fucking hero. So, he was spying for Mouldywarts back then and overheard the first part of it. But Abe Dumbasadoor was on duty in the Hogshead and caught him lurking in the hallway, then threw the rat shite bastard out. So Snake Lips only knew the first part. It said: "The one with the power to vanquish the dark lord approaches; born to those who have thrice defied him; born as the seventh month dies". And that was the part that got my parents killed.

Hmm, come to think of it, ol' Abe wasn't so fucking dumb or pervy as people thought. He wasn't casting those kinds of charms; wasn't being perverse at all. He was trying to get the goats to get pregnant more often so they'd have more kids. That and he wanted the nanny's to produce milk longer, or more of it, I think. Anyway, the fucker was at least as smart as his fucked up sorry old bastard of a brother. And despite what that old fucker said about him he could read. He was a much better man than the Great Man. Fucking rat shite bastard.

Ol' Albie Pretty Wicked Bitch Dumbfuck… hehehe, love that one, I'm just full of shite like that lately… He was just the better fucking politician and a lot better at lying while telling part of the truth. Man was a master, the consummate diplomat.

What does that mean? Hmm, another Muggle thing I guess. Old saying I heard a long time ago. The art of diplomacy is being able to tell someone to go to hell and make them look forward to the trip. Albie was a grand-fucking-master at that, not to mention at manipulating people. The two go hand in hand, I guess…

Oh yeah, back to the story then, sure. Neville and I were the only two born at the end of July that next year, so we were the ones targeted. Dumb bastard shite-heads never even considered it didn't necessarily have to be that year. Could have been any kid born at the end of any July after that to people who managed to escape the son of a bitch and his minions three times. I mean that bitch part literally, too, 'cause his mum was one ugly woof-woof, trust me. Hehehe…

Anyway the cocksucker is just sure as hell it has to be one of the lads born that next year, so he goes after my family first, thinking we're the easier target, what with the Longbottoms being Aurors. That, and because he was sure it was Neville in the stupid prophecy, him being the pureblood. Wanted to kill us both so as not to take any chances. Never did figure out why it took him fifteen months, unless Snake didn't tell him until later. The way the thing was worded, it should have been people who had defied him before the fucking prophecy was made. Stupid fuckers. Way I understand it, my parents defied him only once before that, and twice after it was made. I think the Longbottoms' third time was after, also.

Stupid old he-with-too-many-fucking-job-titles was just sure Snake Face went after me first because I was the more important target. Shite! My mum was a Muggleborn, so I was a Halfblood. Of course the Dark Wanker would think it had to be the Pureblood. Fucking old tossers. They sure managed to fuck up my life; just look how wonderful it turned out.

Shite, yer right; never did finish telling you what happened and who killed Dorkledipper, did I. Hehehe, kind of a poetic there with "shite, yer right", eh? Anyway… so don't laugh at my stupid jokes; just don't expect me to laugh at yours then.

So what happened was that the sorry old bastard petrified me when we heard people coming up the stairs, and I dropped my wand when he did that. So I'm standin' there propped up against a wall, with my invisibility cloak over me, and fuckwad ferret-boy jumps out the door and disarms him, and then everybody else shows up, and then they talked and talked. Lemme think; that was the two Carrows, Greyback, and some other dude. Never did hear his name, but he was a nasty lookin' piece of work.

So they're eggin' Badfaith on, and he ain't getting the job done. But then Snivellus Snake shoots through the door like come from a thirteen year old, and first thing he does is pick up my wand. In the dim light he probably thought it was the sorry old bastard's. Shite, that one went flyin' off into the wild fucking blue yonder when fuckwad disarmed him. I'm sure he thought it was poetic justice to kill the sorry old bastard with his own wand. Hehehe… imagine how shitty he felt having thought that, then finding out it was mine. Bugger me. On second thought, I'm sure he laughed his fucking arse off when he found that out. Fucking rat bastard tosser.

So they talk, Dorko isn't getting around to killing the old wanker, and they're kinda fighting over who gets the honour. Snake orders them all to shut the fuck up. Seemed like he and the sorry old bastard stared at each other for several seconds, then he fires the AK with my wand. MY fucking wand! Dumboldork flies over the parapet, Snivellus drops my wand on the floor, of course, and they all go run away.

A few minutes later, the fucking Petrificus wears off and I'm able to move again; so, I grab my wand, look down at the dead sorry old bastard, and then go chase the other rat shite bastards. I manage to catch up with Snake and duel with him for a bit, but he's just playing with me. I guess he finally got tired of it, and left. I kinda hoped that since I'd shot a buncha spells that woulda wiped off the memory of the AK. But no such luck. Shacklebolt, the fucking wanker, checks my wand a couple days after the funeral, and finds the AK on there, and here I am. I'm almost sure the fucker did that because Scumscraper ordered him to on a hunch. Actually old Shack was pretty cool most of the time. Sham trial lasted about fifteen minutes. That all you wanted to know?

Naw, fuck, it was just like with Sirius, they didn't even bother with giving me Veritaserum. Just presented the wand as evidence, had a couple people say I was the last to come off the fucking tower, got the fucking traitor to say I was turning dark, and sent me here. Motherfuckers even snapped my wand, naturally.

So, anyway, it was actually Dennis Creevey that offed the Dark Wanker then? Wow, that's pretty amazing. Maybe the prophecy was partly right. Too bad about him and his brother though. Man that was a messy one, Colin, I'm tellin' ya.

Huh? Tell ya later. No, don't know when Dennis was born, but I'd almost bet it was at the end of July, and that his parents, even though they were Muggles, had managed to escape the snake faced rat bastard's minions three times. I heard that Dennis, when they found him after Badfaith killed him, had some kind of mark on his chest. Kind of like my scar, but more like a big red S on his chest. That true?

It is? That's too fucking funny, in more ways than one. Are you sure it was a curse from ol' Tommy?

Really! That's just too fucking hilarious, hehehe...

What do I mean? Oh, Muggle thing again. There's a comic book about this alien from another planet who looks human, but has these incredible powers, can fly, and has the strength of a giant, that kinda shite. The funny part is, he wears this funky skin-tight costume and it has a big red S on his chest. Hehehe…

Too bad the poor kid took it in the back from ferret Badfaith. But then, I heard that Neville took the ferret's head off when he killed the snake.

That right? The follow through from killing the snake beheaded Badfaith Senior? Then who took out the ferret?

Moody? Really? Oh, that's fucking priceless. I hope he turned him into a ferret then levitated the ferret up, and when he dropped the fucking rodent Nev used the sword to take a cricket swing at it.

He didn't. Really? Actually did it kinda like I said? That is so fucking cool. I bet Moody and Neville were proud as can be. Gotta admit, that old fucker's got style. Neville, too.

Cricket swing? Oh, another Muggle thing, a game that would make no fucking sense to ya. Truth is it makes no fucking sense to anybody, even the ones playing the bloody fucking games. Hehehe…

Creevey get the Merlin first class then? That's good, and Neville, too? Great. Glad to hear it. Really, I'm just glad the dark dink wanker is dead. I might be here till I die, shite, what am I saying, I know I'll be here that long and longer. But, at least the motherfucker ain't gonna come try to break me out and then torture my skinny little arse. I had enough of that after they threw me away as it was.

Yeah, same time tomorrow again. Sure, I can answer a bunch more questions. What the fuck else I got to do? Besides, that's an hour or so I don't have to put up with the soul suckers.

Yeah, you too, see ya tomorrow.

…fucking loser. Too bad, Creepy didn't really kill the Dark Lugie… Hehehe…


What's buggin' me? Well fuck's sake, you said you'd be back two days ago. Shite!

Huh? Really? Been almost a month? Time flies when yer havin' fun, I guess. I have a lot of fun in here, trust me.

Really! Sorry to hear 'bout yer mum, then. Was she pretty old?

Nah, never really had to grieve since I never really knew 'em. They were only about 20 or 21 I think, and it's always too young if they ain't really old, ain't it. How's she taking it?

Ah, that's good; I always liked her, y'know. Not like I like my Hermione, but still liked her a lot. She was pretty cool, and really hot by the end of my Hoggy Warty career. Gave me a few wank fantasies. Oh, shite! Sorry about that, man. She really is pretty, y'know… well yeah, guess you would know that.

That right? Huh! Imagine that. Never woulda guessed it was three weeks between the first two visits. Yep, that time does fly…

Oh wow, man, thanks loads. Fucking Muggle fags at that! The ones you fucking wizidiots make taste like hippogriff dung or something… maybe they dry it and mix it with some herbs and shite… Hehehe, mix it with herbs and shite… hehehe… mix shite, herbs, and shite… Hehehe… Can't get a good fuckin' smoke in here, man. And shite, like the fucking things are gonna fuckin' kill me? Shite, be dead in less than ten years, the way I hear it…

Oh, never finished telling you about the prophecy? Oh, right, that was why I was gonna tell ya about being the sorry old bastard's weapon. Hmmm, lemme think… You remember how I said the first part of the prophecy went?

Alright, so the rest goes: And he shall mark him as his equal, but he shall have power the Dark Lord knows not.And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies...

Think about it, man, could the fucking thing be any more friggin' vague? I got the feeling, from things said, and all the ways I was treated as a kid, and just from how the sorry old bastard acted, that the motherfucker expected me to die at his hands, then come back and kill the motherfucker, or some such shite. Maybe he expected to be able to kill him after I was dead or some such shite. That make sense to you? Fuck me! That sorry old long-haired fucker was crazy as a fucking diricawl, man. Why else would he allow me to be raised by Muggles that abused me…?

Yeah, they really did. Not too much physically, at least not my aunt and uncle. They beat me some, but not a whole lot, and she'd swing a pot or pan at my head from time to time, never connected though. My cousin, Diddydinkums the fucking idiot rat bastard, was always beating me up and shite. He had a gang of other dimwit shitheads who loved to play a game called Harry Hunting. It was one reason I may have been skinny as shit when I got to good ol' Hoggy Warty, but I was in a lot better physical shape than just about any other first year.

But, my aunt and uncle made me do all kinds of fucking work around there and made me sleep in this tiny fucking cupboard under the stairs till I got my Hoggy Warty letter. Man, I'd love to make those fuckers sleep in a space like that for ten fucking years.

That right? The fucking old fat bastard stroke out and choke to death on his own drool, or what? Huh, imagine that. Never woulda guessed he'd die in a car crash. Poetic justice though. Stupid fucker yelled at everybody on the fucking road when he drove. Glad to hear it, man. Stupid fucking wanker.

Why…? Oh, fucking arseholes told me my mum and dad were drunk layabouts on the public dole or some such shite, and that they died in a car crash, and my dad was driving drunk. When Hagrid heard that, the night he came to get me from them, he liked to squashed the fuckers like a bug. Kinda wished he had, in some ways.

What about Dudley the fucking moron would-be-prize-fighter? Really? He's in fucking prison, as well? You gotta be shittin' me, man. That is fucking priceless. Fucking loser wanker.

Oh, right. So that is why Dumbolddork thought I was his fucking weapon and treated me accordingly. I was just fucking cannon fodder to die at the wand of the worst dark lord in centuries, as it turned out in the end, and I was just supposed to sit there and fucking take it like a good little drone weapon. The fucking rat bastard.

Tell ya something else that cocksucker rat shite sorry old bastard did to me. It's one reason I knew I was nothing but a fucking weapon to him. The fucker ordered Snape to tell the fucking dark tosser about Sirius and I being close. Can you fucking believe that? It happened during my fifth year, but naturally I didn't find out until after I was in here and could sift through the snake faced fucker's mind like it was the fucking Black's library.

Hehehe, that was way better than the Hoggy Warty Restricted Section, trust me. And unlike what you'd think it was nowhere near all dark. Sure there were some books in there I would highly recommend to the dark tosser, but there were a lot of really good books on all sorts of other magic too. Fucking Molly the-control-freak Weasley – I swear she was worse than the sorry old bastard sometimes – anyway, she didn't want us in there, and had put a locking charm on the fucking door. Never even mentioned it and apparently forbade Sirius or anyone else from fucking mentioning it. I'm sure she didn't want us poor little fucking waifs led astray. Stupid fucking wanking bitch.

Well, you know what Hermione's like, creams her knickers just at the thought of a library to explore. I swear she can smell a library from a mile off. She figured out there had to be a library there, and that the locked door right between the parlour and the study, was the likely place for it. So, she was a much better fucking witch at 16 than Molly will ever be, and she undid that charm faster than you can kiss a duck. Man, she was good.

We'd go in there almost every night, just her and I, and look through the books. Found all kinds of shite to help with our summer work… well, the summer work we assigned ourselves. I'd already decided the sorry old bastard was keeping things from me and had started studying more. That was a fucking treasure trove, I'm here to tell ya.

Where was I? Oh, right. The fucking sorry old bastard told Snake to give up a fucking secret he had no right to, and only had a dark reason for doing so. So the dark wanker used that fucking shite to lure me and the other five to the Department of Mysteries that night. Sorta fucking backfired on him, though, when all but one of his best minions got put in here. Well, for a little while anyway. But it also made him come out sooner than he planned on, as well. Sorry fucking wanker, a lot of wasted intelligence in that motherfucker of a dark lugie, I tell ya.

I swear, the fucking sorry old bastard could predict people's movements and actions better than anyone, probably what made him such a master manipulator and fucking politician. He had to have known Tom would lure me out somewhere and that Sirius would come to the rescue and get killed in the process. That, of course, is precisely what happened. He probably hoped I'd fight the fucker and die then, but had save my arse when I wasn't standing up to the dark wanker. He musta thought I had to be fighting when I died to make the prophecy valid or some such shite. When I figured all that out it's a good thing the sorry old fuck was already dead, 'cause I'd have found a way to kill the motherfucker. He wanted Sirius dead, I know he did, and probably me too, it's the only reason for Snake to tell Snake Shit. Fucking rat bastards, all three of 'em.

Connection to the dark wanker? Oh, well see the motherfucker had left a piece of his soul in me that night he killed my parents and tried to kill me. I sure hope somebody offed that fucking Pettigrew. Cocksucking rat bastard was the secret keeper, not Sirius.

What, you didn't know that? Yeah, fucking Merlin's truth on that one. Yeah, they switched at the last minute when they set the charm, figuring Sirius was too obvious in case anyone found out they were under the Fidelius. So they make that piss-ant, Pettigrew… hehehe, I like that, Piss-ant Pettigrew… they make the little tosser the secret keeper, tuck his fat sorry arse away somewhere safe, and Sirius tries to make like the broke winged duck and lead away any hunters.

What? Merlin-fucking-shite, you wizidiots don't know shite, do ya. When ducks have a nest or young and somethin' comes nosin' around that might harm the baby ducks, the mummy duck will fly off slow, acting like she's got an injured wing. Draws most predators right off. Anyway… shite, you fuckers abso-fucking-lutley amaze me at what you don't know.

It's no fucking wonder yer dying out. Man, the Muggles can dance rings around you wizidiots, and it won't be too long till they can do almost everything using their technology that you can do with magic. If they wanted to, and more of them knew about you, they could wipe your sorry arses out in a heartbeat. Believe me, the AK ain't got nothin on a Kalashnikov or an M-60. Fuck, a round or two from a forty-five will take care of your sorry arse just as easy as the fucking AK. See, they got weapons can kill lots of people instantly… Millions, even, comes to that.

Nah, I ain't gonna take the time to explain that to ya, maybe some day. The Muggle world is a lot more complex, has so many more things and inventions from the past couple of hundred years. It slays me how you wizidiots let yourselves get so far behind. Fucking owls and fireplaces to communicate. Come to think on it, though, the owls are a lot faster than the Royal Mail. But, man, they got telephones you can carry around in your pocket and talk to anybody on the planet. They got satellites, big ass fucking machines, circling the planet that do all sorts of shite, including taking pictures of every square inch of it. Shite you fuckers could never do with magic, trust me. Well, at least I don't think you could.

Damn, wish I could ask Hermione about that. Merlin, I miss the girl – no, woman. She is most definitely a woman now.

Erm, what? Oh, the Fidelius, yeah. So Sirius thinks he's leading the Death Suckers a merry chase, while the Order of the Flaming Pigeon thinks that Lupin might be the leak they thought they had, because he was a bleedin' dark creature. Shite, Lupin was about as dark as my lily-white arse. The fucking leak was Piss-ant Pettigrew. You fuckers just can't think, even the sorry old bastard let himself be blind to the fucking obvious too much of the time.

Was Lupin gay? How the fuck should I know? I really fucking doubt it. I seen him sniffing 'round that Tonks chick, so I don't think so. I'd bet Pettigrew was. He was always hangin' 'round people stronger, better than him. Sure don't know how that yellow little turd wound up in Gryffindor. The fucking hat sure screwed the pooch on that one.

Ya know, it occurs to me that Gryffindor is the dumping ground, not Hufflepuff, like so many wizidiot elitist bastards think. Shite, that sorry fucker wasn't smart, wasn't ambitious, and he sure as hell wasn't loyal and hard working. Seems to me the fucking hat stuck him in with the Gyffie's 'cause it didn't know what else to do with him. Sorry fucker.

So anyway, first thing shite-for-brains Piss-ant Pettigrew does is go running off to his master, he was a marked Dearth Nibbler by then, and he tells the snake faced rat bastard that he's the secret keeper and gives up the secret. I'll never understand why they didn't just make my dad the secret keeper for shite's sake. Hell, I'm sure my mum cast the charm, so why would it matter if it was my dad. Only reason I can think of is they wanted it to be someone who could get out and tell someone if they needed.

Oh yeah, shite, why do I keep wandering off like that? Fuck; must be the fun suckers coming through here every half hour or so messin' with my head, for Merlin knows how long now.

Four and a half years already? Huh. Imagine that.

So, the connection with Snake Face. Apparently that soul piece was another Horcrux, one he made inadvertently when he tried to kill me. I suppose he was trying to make another one of the bloody friggin' things when he killed me, but nobody will ever know and I sure as shittin' didn't ask the sick fuck. Never stumbled across that in his head either.

Huh, no idea what a fucking Horcrux is, eh? Wasn't I supposed to tell ya about those fucking things before? Figures, can't remember shite. Well, no surprise you don't, almost nobody does 'cause it's a loosely guarded secret. Fuck, how can something be a secret if it's loosely guarded? Ever ask yourself questions like that? Hehehe…

Oh, right. Simply put, a section of your soul is split off through some kind of ritual or something, that's done when you kill someone, and then that piece is embedded into an item. Can be a living thing, but that generally makes no sense, since it can be killed. The fragment anchors you to this plane and your soul never moves on, from what I understand about 'em. Instead of moving on you become… well… Not like a ghost, really, I guess a wraith would be the more appropriate description. Voldie called it "less than the meanest ghost". He was pretty weak for a long time too, from what he said. I never did try to find out too much more about them fucking things from his fucked up head, there was way too much other interesting shite in there. Hehehe…

What? Oh, that was the night he was resurrected in the fucking graveyard. Yeah, the fucker sure liked to run his mouth, cocksucker. Told all sorts of shite that night before he tried to show off and kill my sorry little skinny arse. That was another one that backfired on him. Hehehe…

At any rate, the fucker kills my mum, then tries to kill me, and I guess that piece of his soul split off somewhere in there and became embedded in my curse scar. Probably why the thing would never really go away. Thing with the bloody damn Horcruxes, is that they have to be destroyed to get rid of the soul piece, or at least that's the accepted remedy. So, now you ask yourself how he's truly gone if I have a piece of it in me. Short answer is, I don't. Got rid of it. Tell ya later how. Lemme get on with it here.

But anyway, the soul piece seemed to make a connection between his mind and mine and it caused me a lot of pain whenever I was around him, until he got his body back. After that it caused me a lot of excruciating pain, and I didn't even have to be around him. Though at first I could just feel his emotions, mostly.

After a while, I started seeing visions, in fact, come to think of it I saw one during the summer before that stupid fucking cocked up idiotic Triwizard Tournament they made me be in. Never mind I didn't put my name in for the fucking thing. "Still got to compete, Potter. Your name came out of the Goblet of Fire, Potter. That's a magically binding contract, Potter"; and all that shite. Stupid fucking wankers.

No, I did not put my name in! Ya fucking moron. I was a goddamn fourth year. How could I compete with seventh years? Hermione told me people had died and that's why they stopped having it. Why would I want to compete in some bloody stupid tasks where I could get killed, idiot? Hell's half acre, man, I never had a fucking death wish, despite what some might say about me. Shite, I was amazed to just survive the first fucking task… friggin' dragons… the stupid fucking rat shite bastards… let alone finish the goddamned thing and tie with Cedric. Poor fucking sod, he was a good egg, y'know?

But, yeah, man, I guess because he was getting stronger already, I saw that vision the summer between third and fourth years. Then the fucking Wussygametes… hehehe, I like that one, fucking cocksuckers… They threw me away into here because I wouldn't endorse Scrimmie's lack of effort. Oh, and then I had the audacity to proclaim myself still to be Dumbledore's man, which pissed off Scrimmie even more. So then the bastard starts looking for ways to crucify me, or at least do his bidding. Force me to be his man, but it backfired when Shackie boy checked my wand. Claimed they were just investigating what happened on the tower that night. So here I fucking sit. Cocksuckers.

Oh, yeah. Yer right, got the two trials confused. Bugger me blind. Yeah, that was the start of fifth year they tried me for underage magic, then after sixth… right. Got it now, didn't have any friggin thing to do with my fourth year, did it. Fuck! I hate when I get all fucking confused like that. Rat shite bastard soul suckers fucking with my head every half hour, for gods know how long now…

That long, already? Shite, time flies when yer havin' fun, eh mate?

Oh, yeah, the connection with Snake Shite. It got even stronger after being thrown away like that. Something about the soul suckers, I guess, 'cause I think it was mostly when the Demmies were around me. Hehehe… I like that. Scrimmie, just remembered I called him that earlier, love it… and Demmies… hehehhe. I'll still never understand how the fucking Monkeystree got the soul sucking monsters to come back after the war. For that matter, why did a few stay here all that time? I guess with just a few around they could feed adequately. Makes sense, don't it? But, really, does the fucking Moronistery have some secret way of controlling them? Maybe something the Department of Mysteries knows that nobody else does? I don't suppose we'll ever know. Fucking wankers. I think the fools learned their secret fetish from Dumbles.

Gah, I sure get off track easy, don't I. So even after most of the Demmies take off for parts unknown, and start making little Demmies so there are more of the fucking things around now… Huh! Wonder if the Dark Dink thought of that. I bet he didn't know they could breed. Shite, seems like nobody really knows much about 'em. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't really Dumblebore's man any longer, hadn't been for over a year, but I sure as shite wasn't gonna be a tool for the bloody wanking Moronister either. Of course, they killed the fucker a few months later, so I guess it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Fucking idiot, may he rot in hell… him and the two fucking chess masters. And fucking Fudge. And Umbitch. The Badfaiths can fucking join 'em…

The connection. Right. It got a lot worse and I was seeing almost everything the fucker did, heard a lot of his thoughts, and knew all his plans. Not that it helped anyone, stupid fucking MLE guards wouldn't even try to pass a message to Scrimmie for me. I doubt he'd have paid any mind to it anyway.

But something else happened then. I started being able to project myself, astral projection they call it, I think. Must have had something to do with having that fucking bloody link. So I was roaming all over England watching Tommy and the Death Wankers do their thing, watching Scrimmie do anything but what should have been his thing, and generally spying on people.

Hah, Scrimmie sure liked to boff his secretary, though. I reckon she gave as good'a head as the American President's intern did. Hehehehehehehehehe... Yeah, I hear about weird shite like that, okay?

I watched the red headed whore do her thing loads of times, and not just with Thomas. She was meeting guys all over Britain that summer, when she was supposedly helping her brothers at the joke shop. Ain't the floo network handy? She'd floo to the Leaky Cauldron, then turn right around and go meet the boyfriend du jour. Lemme think, there was, erm, that Ritchie Coote guy, or was that Cootes, anyway he was from the Quidditch team and got her a couple times that I saw, and so did a couple others of the male players. Shite, she even shagged McLaggen, and from what I heard she was doing him at school that year when she was supposedly going with Thomas. And supposedly still a virgin. Fucking slag.

And then, the interesting and most fun thing to watch – gave me some wank fantasies I'll tell ya – she had a thing going with a couple of her dorm mates from school and they'd get together about once a week. That was great to watch. I still wank over that sometimes, when the soul suckers will let me be for a while.

Seemed like she had a thing going with a Muggle girl in the village, as well. I got that from the way she talked to herself a couple times, in her room at night while she was diddling herself with a dildo she transfigured – from a teddy bear of all things. She was right cheesed at her mum 'cause she couldn't get away from the house to see her girlfriend. I laughed my arse off over that one. Her mummy thought she was all pure and all that, and didn't want to take a chance of her getting caught out by the Doofus Eaters, or that some Muggle boys might "take advantage of her". Shite, she'd probably have invited them off into the weeds and done 'em all right on the fucking spot.

She was sure getting a lot more ass than her fucking brother, Ron the Weasel… or should that be non-fucking brother… hehehe… that's for friggin' sure. It wasn't too hard for her get more, though, 'cause he was getting none, fucking cocksucker.

Why do I hate him? You saw the trial transcript… Oh? You were there? So you heard the fucking back-stabbing bastard. I'll never understand his reasoning. Did he think he'd be the big dick on campus then? Was he supposed to get some of my money? Never really did find out. I spied on him a lot too, just trying to figure out why he said all that shite. Hell, I never did a damn thing to him, but try to be his friend. Why he told them how dark and brooding and secretive I'd gotten the last two years, beats shite outa me. I'm sure my jaw was hangin' open when he said all that horse-shite.

I know Hermione's was. And by the time he finished she looked like she could chew coal and spit diamonds. Man, even if you couldn't see her face, you should have been able to feel the waves of anger and loathing coming off her; probably some uncontrolled magic as well. She always was my strongest supporter. And don't ever let anyone tell you that she is not one very powerful witch. Thank Merlin, she managed to rescue Hedwig. Or, to be more precise, Hedwig being the smartest owl in the world that she is, went straight to Hermione after I was arrested at the Berksleys… hehehe… or should that be chez Durzkaban Wasn't a whole fucking lot better than this fucked up place at times... But, yeah, my Hermione's been looking after her ever since.

Fucking wankers, now there are three total wastes of humanity, the Dursbins. Did you know that fucking bitch screamed like a banshee when the MLE fuckers showed up at the house? Yeah, tried to shut the door in the lead guy's face. He then showed her the warrant for my arrest. So of course she invited the losers in then, offered them tea I imagine, and directed them right up to my room. Told them the door was locked, but that they could just go right ahead and unlock it with magic. Just so long as they got me out of the fucking house and didn't send me back, she didn't really care what they did. I fucking heard the bitch.

Goddamn fucking Vernon shows up from the back garden – she went to get him – about the time they brought me downstairs in cuffs. The fat fucker told them to make sure I got the harshest penalty they could because I'd always been a bad influence on their darling Dudders. Fucking loser rat shite bastard. She backed him up on all the shite he told them about me. And the cocksuckers made me stand there and listen the whole time. Put a fucking silencing charm on me, of course, so I couldn't rebut anything.

As you know, that fucking officer read all that shite in court, which I'm sure helped the Wizengamock make up their minds that I really was a dark lord in training. Fucking moron rat bastards. I wonder if anyone in your fucking world could ever think for themselves, if they weren't like dickhead Dumbledore. Well, Tommy did, now didn't he? Hell, even Badfaith senior never really thought for himself, despite appearances. All he was doing was parroting that Pureblood shite that I'm sure he learned at his daddy's knee. Fucking rat shite wanking bastard. Man, that was one death that really needed to happen.

I looked in on Hermione once in a while. I wish she'd have been able to go back to Hoggy for her seventh year, the girl really wanted to be head girl and she loved being a witch. But no, you fucking rat bastards took that away from her, and without me she didn't know what to do next. I tried to tell her not to worry about it, like in her dreams and that, but it didn't do any good; didn't believe what she saw and heard in her dreams. She finally packed up her parents and moved to Australia at the end of that summer. Smart girl, and I'm glad her parents went along with what she wanted to do. They'd have all been killed if they hadn't gone. I still look in on her and she's in Uni now, learning to be a doctor I think. She can be anything she wants to be, ya know?

I got a few good wank fantasies off that too, and I know I shouldn't tell ya this. But truth is, who's really gonna give a rats fucking arse what I do, or who I think about, or what I friggin' think about them. I looked in on her quite a few times when she was in the shower. Had one of those hand held pulsating shower heads that you stupid fuckers won't ever see, trust me. And she'd hold that to her pussy or just rub her clit till she came. Fuck, that was hot to watch. She wound up on the floor a few times, she came so hard. Good wankin' material for me. Watched her do it to herself a few times in bed, as well, and that was just as hot. I always wondered what she thought about though.

I'm sure she's still a virgin, and probably will be for a while yet. Did you know that fucking Weasel tried to force himself on her after my trial? I bet he never tries that again. Hehehe… Probably couldn't sit comfortably for a week… Come to think on it, he might not ever have kids either. Fuck me, but she's got a wicked knee, and a damn good right cross. Of course, the bludgeoning curse that broke his hands and further made it unlikely he'll ever father children was kinda cool too.

I just don't bother to keep up with too many people, since the dark dink bought it, though. Riddle of course, thought it was funny as hell when I wound up here. Laughed his arse off. Actually I did too, after he and I kind of made peace on things. I figured that if the Wiz World was so full of moronic sheeple as to put me here, then they deserved whatever happened to them. Problem was, that the motherfucker just couldn't help being a pain in the arse and lording it over me. Cocksucker.

Got even with the fucker though. Hehehe Guess you could say I got ahead, truth be told. He was sucking hind tit after Narcissa fucked up with the Goblins. Right. Never told you about that.

Oh shite, you gotta go again then? Well, fuck, you remind me next time and we can start with Narcy, or is that Cissy, and the goblins. What a fucking bint. Yeah, later, man… be cool…

Wonder if the fucker'll actually come back. Hmm, maybe he'll bring more smokes, that would be really fucking cool.


Hey, dude. Oh, wow man ya brought me some more smokes? Oh, man that is so fucking cool of you. So what's the deal this time? Been like for-fucking-ever.

Oh, they had the fucking place locked down? Huh, that must not affect people in this wing, I guess. Oh, well that makes sense. Only affects the not-quite-so-badass Motherfuckers over in the other wing, then? Wouldn't let anybody in at all, I suppose. What was the reason?

Really, some dork actually tried to escape? From this fucking place? Only been three times anybody got outa here… but then I'm sure you knew that.

So, what was it we… Oh. Right, we were talking about Narcy, er, Cissy, right? Hehehe. I think I like Narcy better… Hehehe… Man, I sure fucked with her head, and fucked over the Dank Wanker and all the Badfaiths at the same time.

Yeah, been more soul suckers around lately, I guess because of that lock-down thing. Still fucks me up, even when I can project myself. Man, thanks for the smokes. Really helps to ease the boredom and shite. That's the worst part of this fucking place. No wonder most everyone goes bug-shite, there's just nothing to fucking do. Shite, I looked in on some of the Muggle prisons and at least they let those fuckers have TV and shite once in a while.

Oh, man, you gotta go take a Muggle studies course, not that the one at Hoggy Warty will help ya. Last I checked the fuckers were teaching from a book about three hundred years outa date, and had a fucking Pureblood teaching it. Y'know Albie-I-Love-Muggles-And-Mudbloods really fucked that place up. He was as fucking prejudiced against Muggles and Muggleborns as anyone, he just hid it better. Stupid old wanker, had a Pureblood teach Muggle fucking Studies, a Death Wanker teach potions, not that the fucker actually taught it to anybody, well, maybe the fucking Slytherins. Never knew for sure on that. Then he has them teaching astronomy for five fucking years, minimum; has no classes for those of us new to the Wiz World…

Yes, I am gonna continue to call it that. That fucking sorry old bastard is one of the biggest reasons why. Did it never fucking occur to you wizidiots to teach things like fucking English so the damn professors could read the fucking essays? Did it not matter to you that no one in the Wiz World knows anything about math, or logic… Wait, scratch that. It would be LOGICAL to teach logic, and that is one thing you fuckers are waaaayy short on. What about government, or politics, or god forbid, simple fucking geography? Are people supposed to learn that shite by osmosis, or just during the summer? 'Cause if it's the latter, then fucking people like the Red Headed Wanker Weasel are absolutely not going to ever learn that kinda shite. Stupid fucker hardly studied at school – and stupid me, I listened to him way too fucking much – so why would he study in the summer. Barely did his summer work for Hoggy Warty, for fuck's sake.

Hehehehehe, guess I did kinda get off on a rant there… so what we were talking about?

Oh, yeah, Narcy. What a fucking waste of magic. Well, she goes Waltzing Matilda into the fucking… Never fucking mind, Australian song, I think… sheeshe. So she goes into Gringotts one day to get her usual haul for Tommy, and there wasn't a goblin available to take her right away. In fact, she had to stand in a short line, behind two or three other people, and she really starts showing her arse.

First, she demands that the goblins get someone to wait on her immediately, then she insists she has to go ahead of the other sheep. They didn't especially care for her attitude, and one old fucker told her, and I sorta quote here, to jam that bullshite up whichever of her smelly orifices it would fit in the best. He looks her up and down, and returns her sneer with interest, and tells her he don't care if she's a Pureblood or goddamn You-Know-Who himself in drag, she ain't goin' ahead of him or anyone else in line. I might have been incorporeal at the time, but I was sure as hell cheering that old man on.

That's when it got ugly, at least for Cissy. Stupid cunt didn't have sense enough to cut her losses and keep her bint mouth fucking shut. Nope. Gotta go yelling at the poor goblins and insisting they have the man thrown out, that they owe her for allowing him to treat her that way, and that she's not going to take that shite any longer. If they don't get off their arses and see to her needs right then, she'll take it right to the fucking Minister, a close personal friend. That was after the other rat shite bastard got in when Scrimmie got himself offed.

I always wondered how that fucking happened, myself. I mean, they know there's a war on, that Voldie would love to take over the Mankistry, so the obvious thing to do is kill the people most likely to become Monkeysturd, and later to kill the fucker in office when they are ready to take over. So, just out of curiosity, was there ever anybody guarding people like Madame Bones, and Scrimmie?

NO? How fucking stupid are you fucking people? You think one person, former Auror or not, can hold off a bunch of fucking Dearth Eekers? Shite, no fucking wonder your society is going down the fucking drain. Makes me wonder what it is like elsewhere for Wizards and Witches. Can't be this fucked up all over. Shite…

Oh, Narcy, right. Hehehe, can't help getting off track like that. Must be the soul suckers fucking with my head for however long it's been now.

Huh, four years and nine months now, imagine that. So, back to Cissy, then. Erm…

Oh, yeah, needless to say, the goblins did NOT see the humour in that fucking bint yelling at them. The lobby manager walked up to her and asked her to please calm herself. She starts berating the poor guy, so then the branch manager walks out, looks the situation over, and crooks his finger at a squad of guards.

Next thing Cissy knows, is four really nasty looking goblin guards are escorting her cute little arse bodily from the premises. One on each limb, by the way. Probably scrubbed her cute skanky arse for a week after that. Racist cunt.

Oh, yeah. She had a great arse for a milf… Fuck, another Muggle term, tell ya later.

Funniest thing you ever saw. She's screaming bloody hell over that shite, you can bet your arse. Didn't do her any good, either. The branch manager told her, after the guards dumped her on her arse out front, in the street and not on the steps mind, that she was no longer welcome in Gringotts and he'd ensure she was not welcome in any of their other branches either. Ever.

She was spitting nails by then, but there wasn't shite she could do about it. That meant she was cut off from the Badfaith's share of the funding that was keeping the war going for Tommy Flight-of-Death Riddle. And, the Badfaiths were out of money for themselves as well, and couldn't access it. That was even fucking funnier.

Man, gotta love those goblins. Little fuckers really know how to take care of arsehole customers. I laughed my arse off for days over that. Watched Tommy Crucio her sorry sweet arse over it that night as well. Didn't even have to project myself, he just invited me in. I guess he knew I'd get a charge out of it. Couldn't project into there anyway, tell ya later why. That wasn't too awful long after the blonde ponce screwed the pooch on killing the sorry old bastard. Early the next fall, I think. Good times, good times.

Hey, a man's gotta take his enjoyment and entertainment where he can. Ain't exactly got a whole lot of other options in here, now have I. And I do a lot better than anybody else. Fuck; get to watch girls doing girls, people getting laid, girls wanking, Ron the Weasel trying to get it up… and can't… Hehehe. Ah good memories… grist for the Dementiod mill, if you will. Damn, there I go getting all poetic again. Hehehe…

How'd I…? Hehehe… You'll have to pardon me while I smirk for a moment. Hehehe… Seems that one of the benefits of this astral projections thing, me being really powerful magically, is that I can subtly influence some people, but that seems to be limited to those of lower intelligence. Like most Purebloods, hehehe…

Nope, didn't work at all on Hermione, and haven't tried it on too many others. More's the pity, since if there is someone I want to communicate with it is her. Fucking Fate, really hates me, y'know, man?

I'd discovered that ability by accident one day when I was watching two birds go at it. Man, was that cool. Them two were so fucking hot it was amazing, and then I had them doing shit I doubt either had ever heard of, but that I'd seen others doing. The funny part was that they were two fucking Slytherin witches. No, I won't tell you who. Just suffice it to say they were in my age group. You can use your pervy imagination from there.

Right, Narcy. So I managed to use Cissy's Pureblood bigotry to egg her on 'cause she's about as bright as a… wet torch. Had to pause there, 'cause I almost made another Muggle reference… to a 7 watt light bulb. Hehehe… She was right pissed that she had to wait, so I pushed a few of her buttons, telling her the goblins thought all Purebloods were shite, stuff like that. Kept telling her they were making her wait on purpose, so she finally blows a gasket… Yeah, I know, but get over it, man. That's another friggin' Muggle term, and I ain't gonna change. You gotta fuckin' get out more, man.

So, anyway, that's when she got chucked out. Man, I laughed and laughed over that. Tommy didn't find it funny at all, and that's probably why he became such a pain in the arse. Probably shouldn't have let him know I did that, but he was always lording shite over me, so I couldn't help giving him a shot in the arse. Fucking wanker.

She's actually a good lookin' milf, even as old as she is.

Alright, shite. It's an acronym for mother I'd like to fuck. There, ya happy? I know, some Muggles got no class, but then you fuckers mostly are so far behind in everything else it still amazes me.

So, I used to watch her and her girlfriend, slave, whatever, go at it. Yes, she had one as well, just like her dark arsed sister. Y'know, I've gotten to be a regular voyeur the past few years. I watch all kinds of shite going on. Muggles are better than magicals to watch, you can bet yer arse. Like I said, you shite heads got no fucking imagination. You never heard of the Kama Sutra? No, don't guess you have. Anyway, I've learned all kinds of things I could do if I ever got out of here. I know that won't ever fucking happen, but a sorry fucker can dream, can't he?

I don't hang around fucking brothels or hookers, no goddamn fun in that. I just cruise around, and sometimes follow couples home if it looks like they're hangin' all over each other, like from clubs and such. Man, do I see some shite. Fuck Me!

I was watching this one bird for a while, who was just about as hot dressed as she was nekkid. Ran across her when I was cruising Edinburgh one night. She got out of a taxi at this club, went in for a while, danced some, and I guess she didn't find any guys to her taste and left. Went right home. Makes a call, and another bird comes over. Man, what they did with each other. The other bird was almost as hot, and nekkid together they were smokin'. Shite, they were easy to look at. They were fun to watch in the shower, as well, let me tell you… together or separate. Two hot, hot, hot babes, but even that gets boring after a while.

Still look in on each of 'em off and on, and they're both bi, and not just with each other. It's a wonder if neither of 'em has some disease they're spreadin' around. Girls get more ass than a five pound prostitute.

Huh? Bi means they swing both ways? Bat for both teams, or is that seek for both… Yeah, they do both sexes. Shite, you fuckers amaze me. And you never heard of sexually transmitted diseases? Huh! Must be easily cured by potions then, so it's really rare in the Wiz World. Big problem for a lotta Muggles.

Oh that? I fucking call it the Wiz World, because if I could I'd take a whiz all over you fuckers. That plain enough?

The blonde ponce ferret? Oh, hell, that was back in fourth year when that fucker Crouch, Junior was impersonating Moody… Yeah, Mad-eye. And the fucking stupid shite-arsed sorry old bastard couldn't tell? Puhlease, the crazy old fucking coot had to have had Alzheimer's by then I swear. He was supposed to be good friends with the guy and couldn't tell he was being impersonated? Fuck me.

Muggle disease, Alzheimer's, and not funny at all. And I've heard it now gets witches and wizards sometimes. Rots your fucking brain out and you wind up not knowing anybody. Then you become a drooling veggie, and then it up and kills ya, but not before fucking up your family good with all the emotional shite. Really nasty shite, man.

Oh, yeah… Right. So, fucking Badfaith, Junior is being his usual arsed self, and one day he tries to curse me in the back, don't remember why exactly. Shite, man, too many people tried to kill me since then, and that's ignoring the bastards that tried curse my skinny arse. Anyway, Moody, or Crouch if you prefer, is watching, so instead of Badfaith cursing me, Crouch transfigures him into a pure white ferret. He tells the sorry fuck that he won't stand for cowards who curse people in the back. I bet the sorry little bastard never forgot that fucking lesson. Hehehehehehehehe…

McGonagall liked to have blown a gasket – yeah, I know, don't fuckin' roll your eyes – when she caught him bouncing the fucking ferret up and down with magic. He told her he was teaching, which is when she figured out it was a student, and we all thought she was gonna stroke out or have a heart attack right there and then. But it gave a lot of people some really good memories of the fucking blonde ponce wanker, and believe me those are few and far between. Fucking rat shite cocksucker. Sure am glad he bought it.

Blow a gasket? Shite! Never mind, man, take too long to explain, it's a Muggle thing, like I told ya before. I'd rather tell you about being the sorry old bastard's weapon… or not…

What's that? What happened to the Dark Kink? Oh, well that was kinda fun. Hurt like a motherfucker, but still kinda fun. Lemme tell ya about being the sorry old bastard's weapon first, though. Put things more in perspective, I think.

Yes, he really was as manipulative as he seems to have been. Worse even than the Dork Lard. Shite, the fucking man was obsessed with being in control. I heard all sorts of shite after he was dead, and even more when I was able to learn that astral projection shite. That is fun, lemme tell ya. Y'know, I think it makes me feel better 'cause my soul is away from the soul suckers for however long I'm gone.

Time to go again, man? Ah, too fucking bad. Hey thanks for the smokes, man. They really help ease the fucking pain of this place, long as the fucking guards don't see 'em. But I always know when those arsehole rat bastards are coming. The Dementoids all move off in the opposite direction.

Yeah, next time we can talk about what really happened to fucking Riddle…

…if I can't think of a way to distract you, wanker… shite, I wish I hadn't mentioned that. Fuck!


Hey, glad to see ya man. Things in the Wiz World alright these days?

Fuck! You gotta be joking with me, man. Nothing ever changes in here… oh, yeah, my wanderings. Hehehe, lots of nice wank memories in that shite. Get to see Hermione nearly every day, well, night actually. Merlin, I miss that girl. I could sure use a good HermiHug* right about now.

What? No, been all over the fucking Monkeystree and ain't seen nothing like that. Sorry. Ain't no weird creatures I ever seen, aside from the weird shit they a haul into the Department for Regulation and Control of Anything That Ain't Human. Rat bastards and the way they treat some people, werewolves and such. Dumb ignorant fuckers.

Yeah, I guess it is true that being able to leave here regularly, if only in spirit form, has really made me feel better. That's probably why I ain't droolin' like so many of these poor buggers. Shite, even if they were Death Eaters, they don't deserve that shite. Maybe a quick hanging, or a good lethal AK… Yes, I know they are all lethal, shite. Well, all but one that we know of, eh mate? Hehehe… But no, man, not this kinda shite. Just ain't right to do that to a person. Fuck, being pushed through the veil would be more humane than this. It really sucks, and I can tell you about what really sucks.

She told ya 'bout that veil thing, didn't she? Yeah, weird friggin' thing, I'll tell ya. Problem with anyone going through the fucking thing is that we have no idea where they wind up. I've seen some of the Department of Mysteries research on it, and they have no fucking idea what it really does, even though it's been in their possession as long as there's been a Mankistry.

Stupid question, old sod, so pardon me while I smirk again. Right in one; being able to wander around like I do, I've read over people's shoulders a lot. They still do research on the arch and veil from time to time, and I've been there a couple times when they were trying different things with it. Frankly, after all this time, they still don't know shite about the bloody thing.

Yeah, that's true, a lot of shite that happened to me can truly be laid at the feet of the sorry old bastard. The article Rita did back in my fifth year really told it all just like it was, man. Thanks for printing that, by the way. And all the shite that happened that year, including Sirius going through the veil was his fucking fault too. Fucking wanker; may he rot in hell, along with all those other fuckers who felt they had the fucking right to fuck with my life. MY LIFE, man. Who the fuck did they think they were, man?

Huh? Oh, hell, I been hangin' around some old dude that was like a hippie back in the friggin' dark ages… like the seventies man, or sixties maybe?

Oh, sorry, didn't know you were that old, what with her being my age. Sorry, man. So anyway, this old dude can see me sometimes and we talk a lot. He's really smart, but he can still hear me. He's a Muggle, oddly enough, but still wasn't at all surprised about magic. So, he talks like that, says "man" a lot, so I sorta copy him. Just trying to fit in with the old dude, he's really cool.

Yeah, no worries, mate. Sorry, I went off on the fucking wankers fucking with my life. We all have our own little favourite things, now don't we. Mine's watching people fuck, and girls and women go at it. Can ya really call that fucking? I guess in a way it really is, especially when they use a strap on. Man, you wouldn't believe how young some of the ones are I stumble on who're doing some pretty pervy shite. No, I don't go looking for it intentionally, I ain't that much of a perv, but when yer wandering around Hampshire, for instance, late at night, you'd be amazed what you stumble over with girls and their so-called sleepovers. Cracks me up, hehehehehehehehe… And then there's the fucking Hoggy Warty dorms, man. Hot times there some nights…

Anyway, I try not to perv on the young pussy; it's really just not cool. Besides, too many other things to watch and perv on. Hermione wanking, for instance. Did I tell you about watching her? I did? Oh. Well, I like to think about it because I like to think about her. I watch her a lot, when I can, and not just when she's diddling herself either. I just like watching her do the day-to-day stuff. It's funny she never has had a boyfriend. I wanted to be at one time, then I thought she had the hots for Red the Wanking Weasel… Hehehe… I like that.

Except the last time I looked in on the fucking Weasel he still couldn't get it up. Even went to a hooker once, well once that I saw anyway, and she couldn't even help him get it up. Didn't give him his money back either, and that really jacked his jaws.

Yeah, more from the old hippie guy, so… Oh yeah, anyway, it seemed like she had the hots for him our sixth year, so I was perving over the Carrot Topped Whore of Hogwarts. Little did I know, man. It was fucked up, I tell ya, that I spent a month with the little bint that summer, and all she'd have had to do was shag my brains out like she was half of Hoggy Warty later that year, and we'd have been there, y'know? Ah well, shite happens, eh?

So now I think about Hermione, and dream of what it could have been like with her, man. She's so beautiful, man, and smart. I wanted to have a family, man, that's all I ever wanted out of life. And look at me now, I really miss my Hermione… wish I'd asked her to that fucking Yule Ball instead of drooling over that Chang bird. Man, Hermione was gorgeous that night, and I still see her like that, only now with her more mature body… She'd be all over me, man, if she heard my language now, and I don't mean just the swearing. She was always big on proper English. Man, I could sure use a HermiHug* right now…

Shite. Fucking tears, where'd that come from. I ain't cried in… well, never fucking mind. Where were we? You got another fag, man? I smoked up all the ones you brought last time. Oh, cool, thanks. Wow, four packs? And matches as well? You're alright, man, thanks.

Oh yeah… That's better. So, where'd I get derailed from this time?

Right, we never really got started this time yet. Shite, wish I could remember better. I can remember shite from before I came here, but what happens here, just goes, man; it just fucking goes. No way this can be anything but a rotten way to treat people. Fucking wanking Ministry rat shit bastard cocksuckers.

Yeah, alright, I guess you ain't gonna let me get away without telling you about that. Fuck. No, I really don't want to, but you need to know, even if you don't tell anyone else.

You noticed how during that last battle, the one for good ol' Hoggy… Oh. Right. You weren't there. Yeah, I suppose you were safe and sound in your rat shite little office writing up the tea and crumpets report from the Leaky fucking Cauldron for the week.

Well, what the fuck you think I'm gonna say, you limp dick shithead. Did you ever try even once to stand up to the cocksucking Death Suckers? Did you ever once leave your comfy little safe fucking world to look into why a poor little fucker like me would be touted as the fucking "Chosen One" when I was only sixteen? Shite, man. You fucking people deserve every fucking thing that is coming down the pike to you.

What do I mean? Shite, man, don't you fucking listen? You fuckers are so stagnant you stink, and your Pureblood fucking inbred idiots are going to kill your society. So many of them were killed in the war, they are already having to marry second, and even first, cousins. How long till you start having to marry your sister to find a girl whose blood is pure enough?

What do I mean by inbred? Didn't you wankers learn anything from when all the fucking European royals were still intermarrying over the past few hundred years or so, and it got to the point where they were so inbred that mostly all they were producing were crippled kids or idiots?

Man, you morons just never fucking learn do you. Instead of insulating yourselves totally, you should be paying attention to the Muggles, man. They're gonna eat your lunch one of these days, and you can bet your sorry rat shite bastard arse that I'm gonna sit right here watching you fuckers get everything you deserve.

Sorry, man, don't mean to be insulting to you personally, man, but you are just too much like the rest of the Wiz World sheeple.

That? Comes from a Muggle fiction writer called Robert Heinlein. American chap, dead a long time now, but one helluva writer. Check it out sometime. Can't recall which book he used sheeple in, but it really fits you fucking wizidiots.

Yeah, I guess I really do owe you, personally, something man, for coming and letting me rant and ramble shite to ya. Good to have somebody besides the droolers to talk to, y'know? Somebody that answers back. And I really do appreciate the fags, man, that is something damned hard to come by in here. Especially if yer like me, which most are, and got no fucking money. I used to be able to talk to some of these poor bastards, shite, that's when I started swearing so much, but can't no more, man. I do get to talk to… well, we'll get to that.

So, alright, in that last battle, you mighta heard how every once in a while Tommy would kind of falter and hide behind some of his minions, and then those minions would keel over deader than dead? That was me, man. I was fuckin' with him something fierce. Ain't quite sure now, but I finally figured out how all this shite was workin' for me, can't fuckin' remember it now to save my arse though. Fuckin' soul suckers.

So anyway, I was wandering around like I'd been doing since shortly after I got put in here, less than a month, I think that was, when I learned how to do some shite, like feel magic, well sorta. So one day I discover that I can find all those fucking Horcruxes without any help, but I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with them when I do. But I go looking, and sure as shite, I find all of them. All but the fucking snake, couldn't seem to get close to Tommy in that state and the fucking snake was always there.

Why? Hmm, I think he had some kinda enchantments on Malfoy Manor that kept out spooks, and unfortunately I qualified as that… I think the fucker was paranoid about ghosts after the graveyard thing at the end of my fourth year. I told about that in that article. Ah, good, you remember. Better than I do most of the fucking time.

The battle, right, Voldie-mouldie. Hehehe, I was fucking with his head for quite a while, because somehow the soul suckers had altered the way this fucking scar thing worked. Anyway, even as a spook I could affect some things and people, as I told you. Like with Narcy, yeah. Hehehe… so anyway, I found all the Horcruxes and it was really fucking weird, but all I had to do was call to the soul fragments in them and they would come to me. Had to be right there close to it, and I guess if I'd been in my body I'd have been in physical contact. Then I'd come back here and when a fucking soul sucker would glide by I would force the thing in its direction, and voila! No more soul piece.

Actually, the one in the Lestrange vault was probably the worst. Fucking goblins had an enchantment similar to the one on Badfaith Bungalow… hehehe, I like that… The difference was that the goblin one was specifically to scan, and possibly to trap, creatures like me. At the time I'd no idea why, and only just spotted, or rather felt, the difference in the magic before I entered the vault. Seems the enchantments were just on the high security ones. I couldn't really see magic, but I could sense it somehow. I guess, it was just like a lot of us can sense magic around objects, and some better than others. The sorry old bastard was a master at it, naturally, and I was just starting to learn when I was chucked in here.

Fuck me to tears, but that fucking Wizengamort was fucked up. It was bad enough when Crouch Senior was chucking people in here right, left, and centre. But man, they've gotten so out there for the last few years it's un-fucking-believable. I can't even imagine what goes through the fucking heads of those wizidiots in there. I quit hangin' around the Monkeystree a long time ago, except the DoM, that's cool, but the fucking rest of it? All I got from there was pissed off. Better than bein' pissed on, eh? Hehehe… but still… And I sure as fucking hell got pissed on a lot, by so many of you fucking bastards it ain't even fucking funny.

Man, did I tell you how pretty Hermione is. I mean, she was always pretty, even when she was eleven or twelve with the bushy hair and prominent front teeth. But man, now… like, WOW with a capital W. Bugger me blind if she ain't about the prettiest girl, well woman actually, in Australia. And man, is she hot. Guys just about crash on bikes and shit when they go by her, and she don't pay no attention to 'em. Poor bastards… Hehehe… they'd love to see her outa them tight shorts she wears a lot, and I get to… Hehehehehe… Merlin, I miss that girl, sure could use a…

Huh? Oh, did I do it again, man. Sorry, I'll try to focus again. Lemme think, now. Oh yeah, in wandering around Gringotts I found one old goblin who could see me, the only one I know of. He was an odd old duck, let me tell you, by the name of Rockdust. Silly old fuck wanted to play games, and I usually hate games. But he was kinda cool, and by then I just didn't give a rat's arse about the Wiz World. In fact, I was a lot more inclined to give other races a wide latitude because of how you wizidiots have always treated them. And treated me as well, ya fucking rat shite bastards…

Rockdust, right. Yeah, we talked for a long time, playing word games, where we'd tease each other with hints of what we were talking about, and have to figure it out. He loved that shite, like riddles and stuff, and in fact I had to go back and talk to him three times, I think it was, before we got around to getting me into that vault unmolested. I didn't mind; don't have a lotta people to talk to in here, in case you hadn't noticed. Now I got two, him and the old hippie dude, at least part of the time. I basically had to tell him my life story, why I was doing what I was doing, and how the sorry old bastard and the Dark Wanker had fucked up my life beyond all recognition. I still go see him quite often. He really is a cool old dude, and I'd love to get him and Burkie together, that's Bob Burkhardt the old hippie guy. They'd both get a charge out of each other.

Anyway, I was able to get into the vault finally, found the last Horcrux right off, it was a cup that belonged to Helga Hufflepuff, well I suppose a chalice would be more correct. Anyway, at least I was able to get rid of the soul pieces out of that and the other things I found them in without destroying them, except for the bleedin' diary in my second year. Shite, that cup must be basically priceless. If I could, I'd go get that and Ravenclaw's diadem out of the Room of Requirement at Hoggy and present 'em to McGonagall. Oh well…

Yeah, Ravenclaw's diadem, was thought lost since before she died. Hehehe, I could tell you how to get it, but where's the fun in that. Alright, man, I might tell ya eventually.

So, where were we…? Oh yeah. I got rid of the soul pieces, and Tommy never knew a fucking thing. I was able to get it across to Inuus what I was doing, that's the sorting hat… Silly old sod picked his own name a few centuries back, got tired of being just referred to as "Hat". He felt that as a sentient being he deserved a name. Said he liked that one because it was the Roman god who watched over livestock, and of fertility and fornicating… Sick old fuck, that one. Funny as hell, though.

I've had a fair few conversations with Inuus, and he really is a cool ol' dude, man. A lot sharper than most would think, for someone who spends his whole year, except for one evening, hanging out in the head's office basically doing nothing. But, hmm, oh yeah, I was able to get across to him what I was doing, because he talks to all the ghosts a lot and they were telling him I was hanging around some. I finally was able to explain the whole thing to him. Naturally he knew about the fucking horcruxes, having been there when Albie was jerkin' my chain around my sixth year.

Hehehe, sorry, just so easy to get off on shite like that. Ain't had nobody to talk to while I been in a body in so long, until you started coming 'round. Used to talk to the other poor fuckers in here, man, that's when I learned to swear, not that I didn't do some, but what the fuck… Oh, sorry, but yeah, so I got rid of all the fucking Horcruxes but me and the snake, and then it took me months of thinking, and trying all sorts of shite, a lot of it ol' Rockdust came up with, before I could finally get rid of the fucking soul piece in me. I'm just lucky that Snake Face wasn't moving as fast as he wanted to. Anyway, finally get the soul piece to shake loose, and get it sucked up by a soul sucker, they're kinda disappointed I ain't had no more pieces since then, I can tell ya… erm… where was I? Oh, yeah, got rid of the last piece less than a week before Tommy decided to take Hoggy Warty.

So, come the battle, that sorry old snake shite bastard was running around, ducking and dodging behind his minions. And I'm having a really good time fucking with his head. Not to mention his fucking minions. I know for certain they never did figure out why so many of them died, but I know. Hehehe…

Yeah, that was me. I could manipulate the fucking dark mark by then – it is just another piece of magic, after all – and remove the magic from their bodies. Well, to be more accurate, I figured out, with the help of old Rockdust and surprisingly ol' Burkie, how to manipulate the magic Tommy used on it to get the fucking dark mark to drain their magic into the enchantments over and around Hoggy Warty. Hehehe… Fuckers just keeled right over deader than hell. Had something to do with the fucking dark mark. Course, I don't think I could do that to anyone without it.

Anybody bothered to check those lately? Bet you'll find they're as strong as they've ever been, not to mention that the ambient magic in Hoggy is probably a lot higher too. Hehehe. Probably be a lot of overpowered students, firsties especially, next term…

Naw, just jerkin' yer chain. You wizidiots are so gullible, it cracks me up. Man, you can lead a wizidiot on just by telling 'em the fucking sky turns green on the second full moon of each month. Fucking morons. Some day, I hope I get outa here, just so I can fuck with you rat shite bastards in every way possible. Ooops, hehehe.

Yes, I'm well aware that it is direct manipulation of magic by a spiritual being which is theoretically impossible. Hehehe… guess I just blew that fucking theory outa the fucking water, now didn't I? You think that was weird? Fuck, even I'm not entirely sure how I did that. I am of how the next part went, though.

Alright, you want to know how I got rid of the Dark Shite? One thing I knew was that he kept all his secrets to himself… except from me. He couldn't, but he didn't know he couldn't by then. Hehehe, managed to open the fucking link wide, but he could never get into my head. He thought it was because I was in Az, that he could only reach me some of the time. Didn't fucking know he could only reach me when I wanted him to. Fuck, what I found was better than fucking Occlumency for raining on his fucking parade.

So, yeah, I like knew everything he did, more or less. Still do, or at least I should. I guess I'd have trouble remembering it right now, but I still could if I ever got out of this buggered rock pile that you rat shite bastards threw me away into. Oh, sorry, did it again, almost.

Anyway, so I knew what he knew. One of the things he didn't know I knew, and he basically had forgotten about it himself, was the key that helped him get into that ugly baby lookin' thing, and man, you don't ever want to see one of those fucking things… not ever. So, yeah, there was this trigger-like key thing that Wormtail had to do that got the process started. Just so happened, as there is with most magic, to be a way to undo what was done. Tom knew it, or had, since it was still in his fucking head anyway. And so I knew it because I spent months, years maybe, scouring his fucking sick goddamned mind for shit like that. I just needed the right time and the right place to use it. And that battle was the place.

I waited until the fighting had taken out all of his inner circle, with a lot of my help… hehehe… And when the fucking Indians were circling the buggered wagons, so to speak. Oh, sorry, Muggle thing again… I waited until he was basically isolated and a bunch of people were moving in on the fucker and he was surrounded. And then I set off that trigger using his own mind, much the same way he'd used my mind against me trying get at the fucking prophecy in my fifth year, which not so incidentally got my godfather killed thanks to the fucking sorry old bastard and Snake. Did I ever tell ya about that fucking cluster fuck?

I did? Huh, sure don't remember doing that.

No! Are you out of your fucking mind? Gone 'round the twist? Losing your last fucking brain cell? Ain't no fucking way in hell I'm telling anyone in the fucking Wiz World how I did that. You could follow the clues back to how he got that way in the first fucking place. He destroyed the notes on how it was fucking done, and with him and Wormy being worm food… That's fucking Pettigrew, he was a fucking rat animagus. The one man in the world who could be accurately called a rat bastard, because he was also born out of wedlock. Hehehe… I love the fucking irony… and that saying about Wormy and worm food. Hehehe. Damn, I crack me up sometimes. But then most the time I have to provide my own fucking entertainment, now don't I.

So, that was it. The fucking end of the fucking head wanker, and nobody but me and you know the fucking truth. Creepy Creevy, that's what we called those two stalker fanboys, all he did was throw a Diffindo at a dead corpse and cut off his fucking head. I guess that happened just as I was ending the magic holding him together, so to speak. There sure wasn't much left of him when he finished shrivelling up. Gives new meaning to the phrase shrunken head, don't it? Hehehehehehehe…

Well, actually the only ones who know are you me and my two compadres… oh, never told you, Burkie's a Yank, been living here for quite a few years. That's what he calls me, compadre, it's Spanish, so I use the same for him and Rockdust.

Did you know that goblins get three names in their lives? Yeah, man, one at birth, another when they become an adult and pass some tests that Rockdust told me about and swore me to secrecy on, then another when they reach old age, if they reach old age. I think that's a hundred twenty-one these days… Cool old fucker, that Rockdust.

What? You gotta go man? Shite, well, I hope you can come back again. I sorta have enjoyed our talks. Yeah, would ya bring me more smokes, man? Alright see ya whenever…

…and I guess that is that shite, ladies and gentlemen. Won't see that rat shite fucking bastard no more. Nope, he got what he fucking came for, and that'll be the last I see of him, just like all the rest of the fucking goddamn rat shite bastard wizidiots. Not a bit of true honour in the fucking goddamn rat shite buggering bastards.


Wow, dude, didn't really count on seeing your old arse again. Hehehe, sorry, just a bit of my oddball fucking humour there… hehehe, been in here around the soul suckers too long. Makes ya lose somethin' man. Fuck, this ain't no way to treat people, man. I mean look at those other poor sods, man. They're mostly just sitting there droolin'. I used to be able to talk to 'em, man, ya know? Poor fucking bastards, taught me how to swear properly, hehehe, god I love the fucking irony of this place.

Oh, wow, man, four packs, thanks. That's fucking great…

Whooaaa, what a head-rush… haven't had one in a few days. Yeah, been hangin' out with ol' Burkie a lot since then. And Rockdust, of course.

What?! What the fuck you talking about? Why would the stupid fucking Moronister want to do that? Let me out? You gotta be shittin' me. What, you got another up and coming dark wanker needs offing?

Really? You actually did print all that fucking shite? Huh! Good fucking thing I told the fucking truth then, ain't it. So, what's the fucking Misinformister want me to do, for him so graciously allowing me off this buggered gods-forsaken rock pile?

Nothin'? Yer sure about that? Huh! Yeah, I can still read, even if my glasses are sorta fucked up.

So, it says here reparations will be paid, and they have contacted the Goblins and gotten balances as of the day the accounts were fucking cleaned out… and they are even going to include interest? How fucking weird is that, man? I still wanna know what the fucking catch is. Plus they'll give me twenty galleons a day for every day I been in this fucking rock pile? Whoa, that's a lotta fucking galleons, man.

Do I think…? You gotta be fucking bat shite crazy, man. Rejoin your world? For what? You dickwads kicked out – ostracized, the only person I'd want to stay for. You know: female, bushy hair, the most beautiful face, and deepest prettiest brown eyes, smartest witch of her generation; hell, probably the smartest witch ever. Nobody from your fucked up world seems to know what happened to her, now do they. Australia, remember, pea brain?

Ah, hell, I don't really know, man. Much as I hate you people right now, I just don't know. Truth is I gotta go find her in Aussie Land… did ya know they call it Oz, man? Just like the fucking fil… Ah, shite you wouldn't know what I meant. Sorry, man, another Muggle thing. Anyway, gotta go to Oz and see here, then I'll see whether I wanna come back here, or what. Kind of depends on what she wants to do. I just want to be near the only friend I have left. At least I hope we're still friends, I think we are, she still has a picture of me in her room. I probably will eventually, it's the only home I've ever had, like most people, I guess.

Yeah, sure I want to write to her. I guess… Erm, don't really know what the fuck to say. "Hey, Mione, I'm still in fucking Azkaban, but they might actually come to their fucking senses and let me the fuck outa here one day soon." Shite… oh well, I'll give it a shot.

Oh, you mean when I'm outa here and get some of my brain unscrambled from not having the fucking soul suckers around twenty-four-seven? Hehehe, that might be better, eh?

I doubt that, doofus; don't think she ever thought of me like that, even if I think I did at one time. Hell, I don't know what it means to feel any longer, comes to it. Fucking soul suckers saw to that. Besides, I doubt she'd appreciate my colourful metaphors, as you so delicately called them. I talk like I do because you learn things in here – shite that nobody should have to fucking learn, ever, man.

Alright, here ya go. I signed all the places it showed I should. Gah, I sure fucking wish you stagnant bastards would get with the rest of the world and use paper and at least fountain pens. Fucking quills, ink, and parchment. Muggles ain't used that shite in a couple hundred years, if memory serves.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Yer running out of time and they want to let the fucking soul suckers back in to suck the fun out of life again. Of course the stupid fucking soul suckers don't know I ain't exactly here most of the time, now do they.

Huh? Why would I do that?

Then why'd you have me sign all that shite first?

Oh, Moronister's orders, figures. Did you even tell me what fucking turd got that fucking job?

Oh. Fuck me. Sorry, man, didn't mean to impugn your integrity, but you gotta admit you fucking wizidiots have really screwed the pooch way too fucking many times. But since I take it she ain't your daughter, then who…

Ah, got it, your niece. Your sister's daughter. Wow, man, talk about people taking different paths…

Yeah, man, I'm ready. Ain't like I gotta get packed or nothin'. Shite, ain't gonna miss this fucking place. Goodbye cell, good bye rats, good bye fucking soul sucker Dementoids, good by fucking rat shite rock pile… hehehe…


Hello Hermione. Yes, it really is me… Wow, been needing one of your HermiHugs* forever… Aw, don't cry. Yeah, I know they're happy tears, but you're too pretty to have red eyes from crying.

Yes, I really do think… no, I know you are pretty, Hermione. The prettiest girl I ever met. Alright, let the tears all out. I'm sure we can hide the red eyes later.

Miss you? Would the sun miss the moon? Would a bear miss the woods? Would Sinistra miss the fu… er, the stars? Hehehe…

Yeah, I missed you! For nearly five years I've missed you every bloody day. Oh, sorry about the language. I'll try really hard, but it got really rough for a long time.

Well, that's a long story, sort of. The short version is, the stupid damn Minister of Magic kept coming to my cell every few weeks, impersonating a certain publisher of our acquaintance… hahaha, sure had me fooled, since I never met the real one. Turns out he's Luna's maternal uncle.

Erm, Gawain Robards, ever heard of him? Said he was an Auror during the war. So I told him all about how I'd actually been the one to off Voldemort, and the little Creevey boy just sorta put a fine point on things. I did all the fu… er, work.

Well, no, wasn't such a little boy by then, not really. But I still remember him in Hagrid's huge coat and how tiny he looked.

So, what happened was the Minister himself escorts me out of that hellhole. Then, if you can believe, he takes me personally to the Savoy; that's what, a five star hotel? And they foot the bill for the two weeks I stayed there, room service and all. Then he takes me over to Gringotts, and they give me my key and all that. He came by every few days to see how I was getting on. Made sure I wrote that letter to you after a few. Took that long to get my damn brain to work right again. He even took me to get a new wand, which they again paid for.

So, at the bank, about five days after I got out, the goblins took me down to my family vault that had quite a few really valuable antiques and such, and surprisingly a fair bit of gold as well. The vault the Ministry set up for me was separate. The little blighters didn't tell the Ministry about that, the family vault gold, and told me they thought I'd get out eventually and need it. For as mean as they can act at times, they're right decent when they want to be.

I talked a lot with an old goblin when I was still in the rock pile… erm, have to tell ya about that later, it's part of the really long version. But, in short, I had learned astral projection and got really good at it. He could see me when I was nosing around there one day, and we could talk, so I kept going to see him.

So the rest of the short story is that it seems the old goblin was more than just a cool old dude, he was like the father of the London branch manager. Hehehe, they were tripping all over themselves to look after me, once I got over there without Robards. They didn't want to tip off the Monkeyster that the old dude was my compadre when I was there with Robards, but when I went back alone it was like I was fri… er, royalty. I got to meet the old dude in the flesh finally, and we had a nice long chat. Went back to see him a few more times before I left.

But that day, I told the goblins what I tentatively would want to do, but had to wait until after I heard from you. That was the same day I wrote you. They agreed to handle the transfers for a fourth of the normal rate, their cost I learned, because of my friendship with old Rockdust, and because they knew I'd offed Voldie. Then they got me a current passport for both worlds, and a Muggle ID, which is actually a driving licence, though I've never been behind the wheel of anything. They also got me a credit and debit card from The Barclays Bank, for Merlin's sake.

When I got your letter, I talked with them and they said they'd have the international Portkey arranged for whenever I was ready to leave. And I'm telling you, goblin Portkeys are way smoother than the Wiz ones. Anyway, the day I left, they said they'd owl my goodbye letter for Britain's Wiz World to Robards and the Daily Profit, the scumbags… all they ever worried about was profit, so now I spell it that way, rat shite bastards… erm sorry…

Since it sounded like you intend to stay here, at least for now, I moved my account to the local Gringotts branch and here I am. They even moved my family antiques to the vault here, got some kind of transportation system within the goblin nation for moving gold and non living items between branches. I don't think the British Ministry even knows about that. Anyway I only have the one vault here, so that is really cool, and the credit/debit card is linked straight to that, with some slight fees. Not that I need to worry about money for a long time. It's still on Barclays Bank, though. Not sure how the hell that works… sorry again.

Yeah, Robards seemed like a decent dude, and even let me off without too much grief after all the horrid things I said about the Ministry, the Wiz World in general, and even about him. Well, not him personally too much, but the Minister in a generic way. He just sort of ribbed me about it a few times.

Erm, I don't think I'd care to repeat those things, they weren't very nice, and the cleaned up version just wouldn't be the same. I ain't exactly made a really good impression on you with my language, have I…

I know… really, it's okay… you can bug me all you want on getting my proper English back.

Hahaha… You'll love this. The letter basically told the Wiz World in Britain and Europe to take it and put it where the sun don't shine, and that I would only come back if all the Purebloods in Europe died out and they had a form of government that wasn't based on despots put there by sheeple.

Thank you, Hermione. I was nice about it, and even fairly articulate, considering all the wonderful people I had to converse with in the rock pile. Well, there were two, old Rockdust and a left over Yank hippie dude living in Wales, named Burkie. Bob Burkhardt actually, but that's what he wanted to be called. Cool old dude though… Good people, both of them.

Yes, I hope you won't mind, but I'm gonna need your help on a lot of things… er, well… that is if you'll let me see you once in a while. I already looked into renting a flat just down the way there. They had a sign out front saying they had one for rent so I had the taxi stop for a few minutes.

Really? Are you sure? I mean my hotel room is paid for tonight, and I already checked in.

Well, I suppose I could go back and check out…

Yeah, I guess morning won't matter, but I don't have a change of clothes… Well duh. Bug… er, slap me silly. Yes, I suppose you can Apparate. Ha ha… Can you do side-along?

Good, we can go do that in a bit then.

Oh? When did you get your driving licence?

Wow, that's really cool. That your car out front? Nice one. I sure wish I'd had parents like that who could buy me a car; or even nice relatives for that matter, even if they couldn't buy a car. I bet Vernon bought Dudley one soon's he turned seventeen. Fat wad…

Oh, don't cry for that, Hermione. Darn, it would still be nice to be part of your family, even if only as your brother or something. I suppose…

What do you mean…?

You're kidding right…?

You really mean that? Then, I… I think I feel the same way, Hermione, but to tell the truth, it has been a long time since I could feel anything… so, I think I still do.

Yeah, I felt that way for a while, or at least I felt something more than just friendship for you, and then I went and screwed the poo… erm sorry, messed up and didn't ask you to the ball in fourth year. And then I was all over the place in fifth and sixth years.

But, yeah, if you want to give it a try, I do as well. I'll have a lot of, shall we say, rough edges you'll have to help me work off and stuff. Haven't exactly been able to be very sociable the past five years.

Your parents? Erm, sure, you want to go see them tonight, then.

No, tomorrow's fine too. I need to get over the travel lag. You do realize that the difference is literally night and day…

Oh, right, you came here from there as well… Man, I just don't remember stuff like I used to. I hope it gets better; seems to be. You came on a plane, though, right?

Yes, ma'am, glad to oblige. Shutting up now to kiss the prettiest witch in the world.

Wow, that sure as hell wasn't like kissing hosepipe Chang, or the red slag…

Er, tell ya later, alright? Yeah, thanks…

Again? Certainly, always give a lady what she asks for. I assure you that kissing you is the best thing I've ever done.

Oh, yeah, you can have lots of 'em, for sure. As many as you want, my lady. How is it you don't have a boyfriend or something by now?

Really? Well I'm glad you thought that; I didn't think they'd ever let me go. You believing in me at my trial was one of the things that helped me stay sorta sane, not that I was all that sane when they let me out. But, being here with you now…

Yes, I do care a lot for you… No, there was never really any other girl I really wanted, not like I did you.

Yes, I did… back in around fourth year, part of fifth…

Doesn't matter really why I couldn't ask you and stuff, it was stupid. Can I tell you another time?


You… really? You've got to be kidding… You're not kidding… oh my…

Yes, those are real tears, haven't shed very many in my life, but knowing you always loved me even when I was being a prat… well, that means the world to me. Thanks Hermione.

Yeah, shutting up again to kiss the prettiest, and smartest, witch in the world… hehehe

---The End---

*Wishing to give credit where credit is due, I thank my friend and fellow author Seel'vor for the HermiHug invention in one of his fics. Can't remember which one though, since they are all good. They're here on fanfiction (dot) net, as well.

A very special thanks to all who've managed to wend their way through this monster. I truly hope you have enjoyed it. Thanks also to my betas, Mike who went through several drafts of this and probably has it memorized now, and Tommy who is also my Brit-picker, and who had to try to find all the stuff Mike and I missed. You can show your thanks to them by reading a reviewing their works, also. Mike is known as grenouille7777, and Tommy's penname is Tumshie. Both have accounts on fanfiction (dot) net. My Yahoo group also contributed considerably to helping me clean this up, so thanks to all who commented there. And lastly, thanks to my new beta, Dave, who went over this just before posting.