Ah, Robbie Williams is ALWAYS the person to count on for inspiration.
So this is... Aja's response to the love letter Harris sent her in FOMT. I wish I could make it happier, though that wouldn't work well with my somewhat angsty mood at the moment. I was reading sugarapplesweet's AjaxHarris oneshots, and... what can I say? I have an addiction.
Harvest Moon belongs to people who aren't me, and Spread Your Wings belongs to Robbie Williams.
Spread your wings,
Before they fall apart,
Home is where the hurt is, darling,
Follow your heart.
I didn't know what to think when I saw your name on the back of that envelope. I didn't know how you found my address. I didn't know what had happened to warrant a letter; if someone had died, if someone was sick. I didn't know what it would say, and honestly, I didn't know what I wanted it to say.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to you. You probably thought I didn't get the letter... or that I was just ignoring you. I would have written sooner, really – I just didn't know what I wanted to say, and I'm not sure that I know what to say even now.
Please don't get me wrong. I was so happy to hear from you after all this time. Eight years too long. You could have knocked me over with a feather after reading half those things in your letter – I can't believe how much has changed since I left. Joanna had a baby? Did Rick and Karen really get married? Gray and Mary? Those kids were so much younger than us, and now... I guess they're all grown up.
Thanks for telling me how Mom's doing. It's great to hear that Dad's settled down a bit, and that they're happy – you might not believe me, but not a day's gone by where I haven't worried about leaving her alone with him. I don't think he'd ever really hurt her, but... well. You know almost better than I do.
I guess that before I get to the difficult part of this, I want to say thank you. I'm not sure I ever said it – just implied it – but I want to take this opportunity here and now. Thank you. I remember every single thing you did for me – even if I'm not sure you do.
And she weighs
The words we shared
When we were fifteen,
and still cared.
Do you remember how scared I got every single night daddy came home drunk? He really didn't treat me as badly as we thought he did, Harris. I hear things in the city every day; stories of abuse that would make you sick. Compared to that, a few shouted insults and the rare slap were nothing to cry over. But I did cry over them, and you always stayed there with me and let me.
I know you hated my Dad. You thought he was scum for treating Mom and me the way he did. You always said that when you had a wife, you would never say a bad word to her. I believed you – I still believe you. And she's going to be the luckiest damn woman on earth, and I know I'm going to hate her for that, no matter who she is.
Remember how every time I got scared – eight o'clock at night, three o'clock in the morning, whenever Dad decided that he'd had enough to drink for one night – I'd run away to the Goddess' Spring and you would somehow always, always be waiting there for me? And you would stay right there beside me all night and worry your own father sick – but no matter how frustrated he was with you in the morning, you wouldn't tell him where you'd been or why. Because I asked you not to, not to get my daddy in trouble – and you would have done anything for me.
Did you ever try to change your life,
Did you ever try to change your life?
You repeat, and repeat, and repeat,
Now what's up with that?
So you're a policeman now. It's so unbelievably ironic that you could spend so many years protecting me, and then still want to protect everybody else as well. I always thought there was a limit to kindness; like a person could only do so much for other people and then when all their kindness ran out, that was the end of it. They could be selfish for the rest of their lives.
Though I suppose if that was true... you would have become selfish and mean within one year of our friendship. I used you so much more than you could ever use me.
Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I think about you all the time. I analyze things that we both said back then, things I might have looked over... or purposely avoided. You know what I think? I think we both knew I was going to leave. You weren't surprised when I told you. You said, "You're meant for bigger things, Aja." Exactly that, word for word.
I don't think you really wanted me to go. I don't think I really wanted to go. But you wouldn't stop me, and I wouldn't stop myself – because we both thought I was going to find something better.
I never did, really.
Now she loves somebody else, in flash clothes...
She was the girl with the acid stare,
And now she'd pay to have,
One of those.
I don't think I can go on for much longer without addressing the main point of your letter. God Harris, it's complicated.
... It doesn't really sound that complicated at all, when I put it like that.
I love him Harris, I do – as long as it's possible to love two people at once. You would like him if you met him – he treats me well. He's... the husband that I know you would have been. He's considerate, he has a good job, he makes time for me... he wants to start a family. There's only one thing that I can fault him on – that he's not you. But he never will be, so I think I have to let that go.
Did I break your heart, Harris? I know I broke mine, the day I left. Sometimes I think I'd come back and go through all the pain of Dad again, just to spend one more of those nights sitting up and talking with you at the spring.
The Goddess' Spring was my favorite place in the whole world, even if I'd never been outside of Mineral Town. Now that I've seen so much more of the world, I can safely say that it's still my favorite place.
But you were the one who told me to spread my wings and leave that town. I only wish that you'd spread yours with me.
Don't let your dreams out of your head,
Stick it to the man instead.
Don't fool your heart,
Lying about the fears that you had back then.
We were sixteen years old when I told you I wanted to be famous. And then you laughed and asked me how I was going to manage that – and what on earth I wanted to be famous for.
So I sang for you. We sat there by the spring and I sang you a love song... and then I told you something ridiculous, like I only chose to sing that particular one because it was the expected song for all auditions. It was a completely pointless lie, wasn't it? We both knew every word was for you.
And then afterwards, you told me to remember you when I was a big star.
Stardom never happened for me. But guess what? I remembered you anyway.
You didn't mind what I did, or where I went, as long as it made me happy. Follow your heart, Aja. That's all you ever asked of me – that I looked after myself. That I kept myself happy. I always did – I just wish I'd tried to keep other people happy, too. Maybe I could have made you happy – and if I'd stayed with you, I could be making you happy now instead of depressing you as you're reading this letter.
Follow your heart, Aja. Sorry, Harris. I have to break the one promise I ever made you. I can't follow my heart – it's telling me to come back to you.
And she weighs the words she says,
And she knows, you exist,
Now she feels,
I'm the scar from the wound that time can't heal.
I'm going to end this letter now. There's so much more to say, but there's nothing else I can say. I'm sorry this isn't the reply you hoped for. I'm sorry this is how it worked out.
Hey Harris? Remember when you were my best friend in the whole world?
Remember how I made the biggest mistake of my life... by letting you out of it?
Love always, Aja.
Spread your wings
Before they fall apart,
Home is where the hurt is, darling,
Follow your heart.