I know I said I loved Hikaru more. I know I said she should go for him. I know I choose not to pursue her despite admitting my feelings for her. That doesn't mean I don't get sick when I hear them at night. That I don't dream about being the one to caress her skin. To pull my fingers through her hair. To kiss her.
I know I said that Hikaru had to be the one to leave me, but in the end, I was the one who moved. First across the hall. Then down the hall. To the other side of the house. To an apartment in the city. I know I said that he had to leave me, and in a way he did. I was just the one to move.
I hate that she choose him, yet I know there was no other way. Not as long as Hikaru loves her. Not as long as I love him. If only she couldn't tell us apart. If only she loved me for just one night.
I know what I said, listen to what I'm saying.
I let him refill my sake, though my face is warm. For a moment his eyes fall on Hikaru's ring, and as it tightens around my finger shame is glowing in his eyes. But still, I let him take me to his apartment, knowing that tomorrow I will marry his brother. I let him caress my skin and don't even pretend he is Hikaru. So that for one night I can love him and not wonder what if.