Disclaimer: I own nothing except a fairly dirty mind and the ability to make gross understatements. It is not my intention to infringe on anyone or anything.
This fic stems from a couple of sources of inspiration. First, the minute that I saw 'Blood Drive', I knew that I was going to have to write something like this. Second, I find that it fits in nicely with one of the prompts from the table that I swiped from Jam_prompts on LJ - "Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."-Anonymous.
I just want to take a moment to be sure that everyone knows about the Support Stacie Author Auction that is taking place April 3-6. If any of you read my Christmas story Billy Squier and Bonus Gifts, then you may recall that the story itself was in response to a prompt given to me by my 'owner', JAMinnyc, who purchased me in a similar auction which took place in November. I encourage everyone, authors and readers alike to participate in this fantastically fun multi-fandom extravaganza to raise money for a good cause. I have posted links to the auction information in my LJ posts, MTT and profiles and on the General FanFic thread in the MTT forums. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Enough of that, happy reading!
Spiced Mushrooms Can Kill Your Appetite
Never in the history of the world had a salad tasted so wrong. Jim could feel Pam's knee pressing against his under the table, grounding him as they tried not to get burned by the rays of Phyllis and Bob Vance's afterglow. Never again would either of them avail themselves to the handicapped restroom. There was an unspoken agreement that they would gladly stand in line, waiting for hours if necessary, for the ladies or men's room to free up. The sounds emanating from behind the door with the wheelchair sticker on it were enough to break them of any impatience they would ever feel.
They choked down what they could of their lunch, trying not to think too hard about the creamy dressing that coated each leaf. They smiled and offered brief commentary by way of conversation. They felt each minute tick by, certain in the knowledge that lonely hearts or no lonely hearts, there was no way they were going back to the office that afternoon. Bob Vance sat back in his chair, the remainder of his pilfered steak consumed; now a proud member of the clean plate club. He ran his hand over his stomach with a contented sigh and smiled as he asked the table in general, "Dessert?"
"Oh no," Jim said quickly with a wave of his hand. "Not for me. Pam?" he asked as he turned to her, giving her a hard stare.
"Oh, no, no," she agreed.
"Well, I know that I could use a little something sweet," Bob said as he draped his arm over the back of Phyllis' chair. "How about a little sugar, Sugar?" he asked her.
Phyllis giggled softly and said, "I wouldn't mind a little dessert," as she shot him a coquettish look.
That was enough for Jim. He cleared his throat as he sat up a little straighter. "Uh, listen, I hate to eat and run because, well, we've been having such a good time…"
"It's been really nice," Pam added, nodding enthusiastically.
"But if you don't mind, I think we'll take off. I, um, I've got one of the bathrooms ripped out, and if we're not going back to work, I'd like to spend a little time on that," Jim said slowly, trying to come up with an excuse that he thought Bob Vance would buy into.
"The place is a wreck," Pam interjected.
"Ah, well, yeah, yeah, you should get to that," Bob said with a nod.
"Yeah, if Michael says anything, we'll tell them that you were with us all afternoon," Phyllis said with an understanding nod.
"Thanks," Pam said as she flashed them a grateful smile.
Jim reached for his wallet, and Bob Vance waved him off. "No, no, Jim, it's on me."
"Oh, well, you don't have to do that," Jim started to say.
"No, it's my pleasure," Bob insisted. He glanced over at Phyllis and said, "I can't remember when I've had such a nice time at lunch."
Phyllis nodded and said, "It's nice to do things with another couple once in a while. Shakes things up. Usually it's just me and Bob."
Jim's eyes widened slightly as he prayed that he was simply taking Phyllis' sentiment the wrong way. Anxious to get out of there, he nodded and put his wallet away. "Well, we'll have to, uh, return the favor sometime," he said, wincing at the sound of his own words. "I mean, buy you lunch. It was nice. To have lunch."
Pam jumped in. "Yeah, we'll have lunch again." She nudged Jim with her elbow and he gave a short nod as he began to stand up. Pam scooted from her chair and dropped her napkin onto the seat. "Thanks again for asking us," she said with a smile.
"Oh, you're welcome," Phyllis said brightly.
"We'll, uh, see you tomorrow," Jim said as he shoved his hands into his pants pockets. "Thanks again, Bob. "I'll forget about that 71 you bowled," he promised.
"I appreciate that," Bob said as he offered Jim his hand.
Jim shook his hand, carefully blocking any and all thought of where those hands may have been, and then smiled at Pam as he said, "Okay, well, we'll see you guys later."
"Bye," Phyllis called after them as Jim placed his hand in the small of Pam's back and ushered her toward the front of the restaurant.
"Don't," Jim murmured into Pam's ear as they wove their way through the tables.
"I wasn't gonna…"
They made their way out of the restaurant and quickly crossed the parking lot. Jim unlocked the car, and held the passenger door for Pam, his lips clamped together in a firm line. Once she was settled, he closed the door and trotted to the driver's side, jingling his keys in his hand.
He slid behind the wheel, shoved the key into the ignition, but didn't start the car. Instead, Jim wrapped his long fingers around the steering wheel and lowered his forehead to it. "Oh my God," he breathed.
"Wow," Pam said emphatically.
"You can say that again," he grumbled as he sat back and turned his head to look at her.
"Wow," Pam repeated with an impish grin.
"Ha ha, Beesly," Jim said with an affectionate smile. "You do realize that we just got completely schooled by Phyllis and Bob Vance," he said darkly.
"I know," Pam said, her face solemn as she stared back at him.
Jim blinked, trying to expunge the mental images of Phyllis and Bob's bathroom tryst from his brain. "I bet a steak never tasted so good," he said with a wry smile.
Pam's smile spread as she nodded her agreement. She reached over and touched his cheek gently, and then launched herself at him, pressing her lips firmly to his.
Jim caught her, his hands digging into her waist as he angled his head, trying to catch his breath. "Hey, wow," he said as she pulled back a little. "Oh my God, that turned you on, Beesly?" he accused, his eyes practically bugging out of his head.
"Not that, you," she said, as she kissed him again.
Jim's brain clicked off and his body kicked into gear. He plunged his hand into her hair, gripping the back of her head as he parted his lips, his tongue seeking hers. Jim groaned low and deep in his chest, the sound vibrating through them as her tongue teased and taunted his. He pressed her back into her seat, shifting in his to pin her there as he plundered her mouth. He caught her soft whimper of surrender, and his lips curved against hers.
Jim rained hot, wet kisses over her jaw and nipped playfully at her ear. "It's two in the afternoon," he said in a soft husky voice.
"I know," she whispered, tilting her head to allow him better access to her neck.
"We're in a parking lot," he reminded her.
Pam turned her head and kissed him again. She pulled back and blinked at him dolefully. "You're gonna let us get shown up by Phyllis and Bob Vance? On our first and only Valentine's Day as an engaged couple?" she asked in a bewildered tone.
Jim's eyebrows shot up as he stared down at her. "Are you serious?" he asked in a rush of breath.
Pam tipped her chin up a little and said defiantly, "I think we're supposed to be the ones sneaking off to the handicapped bathroom."
Jim's jaw dropped a little as he said, "You're serious."
Pam nodded slowly as she reached up and grabbed his tie with one hand, and then placed her other hand on the obvious bulge in his pants. "Oh my God, Beesly," Jim whispered, a smiled curving his lips as he bent to kiss her again. He covered her knee with his hand, letting it slide slowly up under the hem of her skirt as she stroked him through his dress pants. "I can't believe we're doing this," he said raggedly, lifting her skirt higher as he pressed a series of open mouthed kisses to her neck.
"Believe it, Halpert," Pam said as she found the tab of his zipper and began to pull it down.
Jim chuckled and said, "You want some meat?"
"Ugh," Pam grunted as she pushed at his shoulder, shoving him away as she yanked her skirt down.
"I'm sorry, it just popped into my head," he said as he dissolved into helpless laughter.
"Sick. You are a sick and twisted individual, Jim Halpert," Pam said primly as she straightened the bow on her blouse.
"Hey, you're the one trying to jump me in the parking lot in broad daylight," he reminded her with a chuckle.
"I was trying to do something a little dangerous, a little daring," she protested.
Jim rocked back into his seat and pressed his head against the headrest. He turned his head to look at her, but Pam turned toward the window, staring holes into the Audi parked next to them. "Hey," he called softly.
"We should go home. Let you get to work on that bathroom," she said primly, reminding him of his lame excuse to get away.
"Pam?" he said quietly. When she finally turned to look at him, his brow furrowed as he asked, "Are you, are you not happy with, um, things?"
"Oh, Jim, no," Pam said quickly.
"I mean, is there something I'm not, uh, doing?" he asked as he reached out and gripped the steering wheel tightly.
"No, that's not it at all," she assured him.
"But there is an it," Jim concluded flatly as he stared straight ahead.
"No, not really," Pam said as she reached over and pried one of his hands from the wheel. She laced her fingers through his. "You know I'm happy, and you know that you, um, make me happy. Very happy," she added with a meaningful stare.
"But," he prompted.
"I don't know," she said softly. "I can't help thinking that we were like the old married couple in there," she said worriedly. "Things clicked so fast, for us, you know? I mean, it's like you and me, we were made for each other," she told him sincerely. "But, shouldn't we be the ones doing crazy stuff like that?"
"I don't know," he answered honestly.
"Maybe we got a little too comfortable too fast," she wondered aloud. She squeezed his hand and said, "I want you to want me like that."
"I do," Jim answered quickly.
"I mean like you can't control yourself."
Jim laughed and ducked his head as he shook it. "Pam, you have no idea," he said, his voice cracking slightly.
"Really?" she asked, a pleased smile lighting her face.
Jim laughed out loud as he stared at her in disbelief. "Are you serious? Pam, I spend about 80% of my day trying to keep my hands off of you. I couldn't wait until you moved in, that way I get you all to myself every night and all weekend. I have to tell you, it's exhausting," he confessed.
Pam grinned and said, "Sometimes, when were in the break room, I want to drag you into the bathroom and have my way with you."
"Ladies or men's?" he asked quickly.
"Does it matter? Ladies, I guess," Pam said with a shrug.
"You guys have a couch," Jim said with a lascivious smile.
"I'm not saying we should do that at work," Pam said quickly. "I'm just saying that maybe we should mix things up a little. Add a little spice. Not all of the time, just once in a while."
"I see," Jim said with a solemn nod.
"We're gonna have lots of time to be an old married couple," she said confidently.
Jim smiled as he nodded slowly. "Yeah, we are."
"But you know that I'm not saying there's anything wrong, right?" she asked cautiously.
"Where were we?" Jim said as he leaned over to kiss her again.
Pam laughed and pushed him gently back into his seat. "I'm afraid that ship has sailed."
"We could sail it to the Spice Islands," he suggested hopefully.
Pam giggled at his wide eyed enthusiasm. "I'm afraid that you let the wind out of the sails." Jim grinned and leaned over, blowing gently into her ear. Pam laughed and squirmed away. "Take me home, Mr. Halpert," she said primly.
Jim sighed and reached for the key in the ignition. As he twisted it, he shot her a look out of the corner of his eye. "Be careful what you wish for, Future Mrs. Halpert," he warned in a soft, dangerous voice.
Pam smiled smugly as he began to back out of the spot and said, "Next time I won't try to seduce you after Bob offers Phyllis his mushroom."
"Thank you for that," Jim said with a long suffering sigh. He grinned as he straightened out the wheel and put the car in drive. As he headed for the entrance, Jim lifted her hand. His eyes flickered over at her and then back to the road as he pressed a soft wet kiss to her open palm and then covered it with his own; holding it pressed tightly between them.