"Look, Spencer, you can take your bogus, paranoid theories elsewhere."
"These are not mere theories, Lassie! This is serious business! I have some hardcore psychic juju going down bigtime that says that you are in mortal danger, and-"
"Coincidences, Spencer! Nothing but coincidences. Don' t you think for a second that some faulty wiring or statistically probable gas leaks are gonna stop me from enacting justice on the filth that infests our fair city. I've faced worse during my time on the force and come out-"
"Guns blazing, yeah, yeah. But this was an explosion, Lassie! There was an explosion. In your home. When you were supposed to be home! Need I remind you that if I hadn't flagged your vehicle down to make you try the most heinously delicious jerked chicken to ever grace the earth to determine if that fine a flavor was illegal, you'd be one smoked pollo yourself?"
Lassiter rolled his eyes and shoved Shawn and Gus towards the doorway. "Yes, Spencer, yes, thank you so much from saving me from nothing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a job to do that involves me solving some real crimes and not chasing or channeling ghosts or spirits or whatever the hell it is you two do." Shawn opened his mouth to retort, but Lassiter slammed the door before he had the chance to do it to the man's face. Shawn retorted regardless.
"See if I ever try to save your sorry ass again, man! Just wait and see!"
A few minutes later, a rather dejected Shawn sighed and leaned against the wall outside of the Santa Barbera Police Department.
"Never seen someone so stubborn in my life." said Gus, standing next to him, staring back at the doorway. "Or ungrateful. He didn't even say thank you for the chicken, not to mention for savin' his butt. I can't blame you for what you said back there, Shawn."
Shawn sighed. "Dude, we've got to save his sorry ass."
"Someone's trying to kill Lassiter, whether he wants to admit it or not."
"We've got no proof, Shawn. You know how this works. Even when its a civilian's life on the line, Lassiter needs solid, earthly evidence more than anyone. And when it's about him, he's even less likely to believe anything we throw at him, no matter how strong your vibes or whatever are."
"Well, yeah, maybe I don't know who did it, but that's the fifth time this month, man! Someone in this town is trying to kill him. Someone with the connections to get rat poison into his coffee at work, someone able to cut the breaks on his car and make it look like normal automotive wear and tear, and someone able to rig his house to blow up! Someone who can leave behind no evidence to point toward foul play despite these incidences piling up and making it clear that it cannot be anything but! I can't watch out for him all the time, man. They're gonna get to him eventually. There's got to be another way."
Gus shrugged. "It's probably just someone with a lot of connections who hates Lassiter. Seeing as how he's a hardass cop who loves his job with an expansive arrest record in a city riddled with crime, that list isn't too small."
"We can narrow this down, man. We have to do something!"
"It's hopeless, Shawn. All we really know is that we've got no time and that as long as Lassiter's here, he's a goner."
"Ha! Thanks, Gus! You're a genius!"
"You just said it, man. We just have to get Lassiter out of here."
"What makes you think he'll leave Santa Barbara?"
"Remember when I first called in the tip that got me caught and started solving all of Lassiter's cases? How much he wanted to shoot me or arrest me or what have you?"
"Well, yeah, but... Shawn, I don' t like where this is going."
"Stop being such a wussypants! Anyway, all I have to do, well, all we have to do, is piss him off bigtime, preferably by perpetrating something illicit and or illegal that offends him to a great degree."
"I don't like this plan at all, Shawn!"
"I'm not even done yet!"
"I don't care!"
"Let me finish! See, we pull something big, then skip town, well, skip several towns, maybe a few dozen towns, until we've got him out of harm's way. You and both know that Lassiter's got this weird long arm of the law thing going on; he's sure to follow us wherever we go rather than let any local departments wherever we end up deal with us."
"There's gotta be another way, Shawn!"
"You just made it clear to me that if Lassiter stays here, he's dead!"
"Yeah, and we will be too we piss him off!"
"Relax with the hyperbole, my friend! At the very most we'll get twenty-five to life and a bullet wound or two. What's a trip to the emergency room and some time in the clink between friends? Gus, even if he's a creepily overachieving head detective, Lassiter can't handle this! We've got to do this, man. We're gonna do this. I'm thinking Eastern Seaboard, Gus. Philadelphia, Atlanta, Boston, Miami... Jules transferred here from the Miami PD, right? I like Miami. Let's go with Miami."
"Miami? That's clear across the country, Shawn!"
"Exactly! They're not gonna follow him all the way down there. Whoever they are, they're presistent enough to keep trying, but not enough to have nailed him yet. They don't have the drive and they don't have the manpower to follow us, Gus!"
"But he's gonna follow us!"
"And he's gonna have that creepy I'm-gonna-get-you look on his face! And his cuffs, Shawn, those cold, cold metal handcuffs. This is bad news, Shawn!"
"Au contraire! This'll be easy. And possibly quite fun. We can set off a couple alarms while we're there, too, just to make sure he has more than just credit card records to follow us by. Ding a couple parking meters, maybe steal some colorful hats... It'll be a piece of cake! Delicious, moist..."
"What, Shawn? That doesn't even-"
"Come on, buddy! You can work on your tan."
"First of all, we live in Santa Barbara. Second of all, as you damn well know, I'm-"
"Words, words, words, Gus! All useless, pointless, and empty. I've made up my mind, man. We're doing this."
Shawn headed down the steps towards the parking lot.
"You just want an excuse to mess with Lassiter and get some background info on Juliet so you can pull your freaky psychic clairvoyant boyfriend crap!"
"Can't hear you, man, I'm too busy trying to do the right thing and save an innocent man's life."
"I've got a real job, Shawn! You know I can't just pack up and- are those my keys?"
"Is that Lassiter's car?"
"Why, yes, it is! And if you stay here, you'll get to be alone when you have to explain why 'GUS IS D MAN' is crudely engraved on his rear passenger door."
"I'm gonna kill you, Shawn!"
"Haha! Good times, man. Good times."