Disclaimer: HP – Lauren Cooper crossover. I don't own any of it.


'Is it.'

'Miss Cooper, stop saying that,' Severus Snape snapped.

'Sir,' the young woman drawled.

'No,' he refused, 'not again. You will learn to shut your mouth.'


Severus gritted his teeth. Why he had agreed to do a favor for Hermione Granger was beyond him.

'Just a little one,' she had said. 'The Doctor is going mad. And you know what happens when Time Lords loose their marbles. Didn't you work with the Master before Voldemort turned him into a terrier? Just teach her to keep her mouth shut. I'll consider it a personal favor.'

Severus grumbled, but agreed. Hermione had, after all, said it was a personal favor. And, being able to speak fluent Hermione, he knew that meant he had better do it unless he wanted to spend the next month sleeping on the couch. Wait. He could almost hear her now, head tilted, honeyed voice, and eyes flashing dangerously.

'Couch? What couch, Sev'rus? That thing was so old; I had to get rid of it. I must've told you. No, you can sleep in the armchair can't you? The nice antique that I couldn't bear to transfigure? You'll sleep tolerably well.'

Passive aggressive witch.

Anyhow… That's how why he found himself in an otherwise empty classroom, alone save for the most irritating schoolgirl in Britain.


'Miss Cooper, shut your trap. I'm sure your mother taught you how to be polite. Didn't she?' He really should've learnt to keep his own mouth shut.

'Are you calling my mother a – '

'Miss Cooper,' he hissed, 'I am not calling your mother a pox-ridden wench, nor a Pikey, nor any other pejorative. And I know you're about to start in on accusing me of insulting your father, so don't bother, because I don't want to hear it.'

'But, sir,' Lauren said, a sly smile stretching across her face, 'can I just ox you a question?'

'I have no doubt that you will, whether I want you to or not, so go ahead,' he said, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair.

She blinked at him.

Hah. That showed the little bint. Take that, you –

'Are you a vampire?'


'Are you sure?'

'I am indeed a wizard.'

'I don't think you are, though.'

'What you think is of little consequence.'

'Do you stay inside when it's day out, sir?'


'I think you do, though. I think you stay down in the dungeons all day in a coffin.'

'I spend the day in the Potions classroom, not a coffin.'

'I think you seduce unsuspecting maidens and suck their blood, though.'

'Have you met my wife?'


He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Was that a smirk on her face. And stupidly, he continued on.

'Do you think I would still be alive if I were seducing virgins left right and centre?'

Lauren snorted.

'Vampires aren't alive, though. So you ain' proved nothin.'