Disclaimer: 'How to be Evil' is a one-shot 'Harry Potter' fanfic, and is not meant to be an exact replica of the original series. All characters were created by, and are property of, J.K. Rowling, author of the original 'Harry Potter' series. I claim no rights to any persons, places, or spells depicted in this story that were originally penned by Mrs. Rowling


How To Be Evil

(or at least a little more outspoken)

By: L. Voldemort

How many times have I had people ask me, "Oh, Voldy, can you teach me to be evil, just like you?"

Let me put it this way: More times than I have the patience to count.

But as annoying as this incessant inquiry may be, I must admit that the amount of public interest in my personal choice of morality is rather pleasing. Thus, I've decided to indulge my hopeful little followers by providing the world with this informational – and hopefully inspirational – dissertation on the subject. Within these pages, you will find several simple (and some not-so-simple) step-by-step instructions on how to block out that annoying little voice in the back of your mind and release all of your inhibitions, in order to free yourself to the wondrous glory of a truly wicked existence.

Let's begin…

Lesson One:

Don't call me "Voldy".

There's not a bloody thing evil about cutesy little nicknames. Besides that, it's just plain annoying, and doing so may just land you on the receiving end of a few good Cruciatus curses.

There is an exception to this rule, however. Terms of endearment, such as "pet", "precious", and "darling" can be given the right amount of cold sarcasm to be acceptable. My personal favorite is "my dear", which has proven quite effective in drawing the desired attentions from the ladies, if you know what I mean. I look forward to the chance to use it on that cute little redhead Ginny Weasley again. Mmmm…yummy little Gryffindor…

But I digress. Let's continue.

Lesson Two:

Never listen to blubbering old fools like Albus Dumbledore.

"The difference between what is right and what is easy"…"Love is the most powerful magic"…"Death is not the end of life"…Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, I think the old fogey's beard must have started growing into his brain and made his line of thinking all fuzzy. He makes no sense. I'm surprised he even understands himself.

Lesson Three:

Don't just know what you want, know that you will get it.

The word "overconfidence" is just a namby-pamby term used by people who believe that superior intelligence and absolute guarantees are myths from the days of Aristotle and Hippocrates. Seriously, if you doubt yourself at all, there's no point in even continuing with these lessons. You might as well strap on your lion suit and join the Gryffindor pansies in their attempts at being brave and able.

I, for one, don't doubt myself for a second. I can clearly envision myself finally getting the better of that snot-nosed, overly-lucky pain in my bum, Harry Potter. Sure, it hasn't happened yet, but it will. Just you wait and see. I will be victorious, believe me. Oh, what a beautiful day that's going to be…

Forgive me, I'm moving off the subject again. Let's get back to it…

Lesson Four:

Never have a rat as a sidekick.

Don't get me wrong, I think rats are wonderful creatures. Very smart (most of the time), quick on their feet…Yes, they certainly have their good points, just as all the little creepy crawlies of the night do.

But they smell bad.

Like, suffocatingly bad.

I swear, I don't think Wormtail's seen the wet side of a bath since the day he returned to my side.

It's been nearly three years now. Try to imagine the vicious assault my poor nostrils go through whenever he's around.

On second thought, don't. I may be evil, but I'm not that cruel.

Lesson Five:

If you form a legion, don't name it after some stupid bird.

Seriously. The Order of the Phoenix? Might as well have named it the Order of Big Bird.

That Dumbledore…Batty old fart. If it were something like, the Secret League of the Vulture, or the Underground Council of the Buzzard, then I'd be like, "Hey, yeah, good thinking!"

But no. He had to go and use some sissy little mythical bird. "Oy! Look at me! I'm a Phoenix! I can cry on cue and be reborn over and over again!" Whoop-de-bloody-doo.

Ugh. Dumbledore. I don't mean to complain about him so much, but he's just…so…annoying!


Lesson Six:

Wanting to bask in the glorious presence of your leader is all fine and dandy, but for Merlin's sake, don't interrupt him while he's watching his favorite shows!

I swear, the next time Lucius barges in on me in the middle of Desperate Housewives, he's gonna find himself met with a big, fat, healthy dose of Avada Kedavra…

What? Yeah, I watch Desperate Housewives! Who doesn't? I take no shame in admitting my fantasies about living on Wisteria Lane. Now, to be honest, I could do without all those other wishy-washy, prissy ladies (except, perhaps, for Bree…That red-headed minx may have potential…Or I might just have a thing for redheads…), but Edie? Oh, that Edie…Mmm…She really stirs my potion…

I like that crazy little NBC daytime show, too. You know the one, that silly soap opera: Passions. Magic, mayhem, DNA mix-ups…Fun all around, and those wacky residents of Harmony have no clue that they're all the little pawns in Tabitha's game. Even Alistair. But, then again, that man is a force to be reckoned with. If those two ever got together…Well, let's just say that show's ratings would skyrocket in the Death Eater community, and I wouldn't even have to use the Imperius curse to make them watch it!

But, yeah…That Tabitha is my hero. Blimey, if she looked like Edie…

Seriously, though, Tabitha needs to use her powers to annihilate that whiney little prat, Gwen. Obviously, Ethan's too thick-headed to ditch her on his own so he can be with the hot little vixen, Teresa…

But anyway, that leads us to our next lesson…

Lesson Seven:

Never poke fun at your master for his choice in television programs.

Doing so would be one of the stupidest mistakes you could ever possibly make.

Enough said.

Alright, so maybe those last two lessons really have nothing to do with being evil, but they're still very important rules to remember. Trust me on this. Your general, physical health depends on it.

Lesson Eight:

Every great, evil leader need henchmen.

Choosing the right people for the job can be a difficult process, and even the most powerful dark masters can make mistakes sometimes.

Let's take a look at my personal track record, for instance:

a) My right-hand man. Hehe, I call him that as a kind of a joke, since he gave his right hand to bring me back to power again. Of course, I replaced it for him. Told him it was a reward, but truthfully, I felt kind of bad. Poor bloke had no idea that a simple fingertip would have sufficed.

But again, I digress.

Peter Pettigrew is a short, stumpy, scaredy-cat of a rat. Yeah, sure, he gave me the Potters, but then he turned tail – literally – and fled when it all ended badly. And yeah, okay, he was the one who found me years later, and eventually did a lot of the necessary dirty work to restore my body, but not until after having spent years cowering in the company of the Weasley clan.

Lucky git…All that time with instant access to little Ginny…

Anyway, besides that, I'm surprised his efforts to get us to my father's house didn't land us in an episode of Lost! (Heh…Lost…If only those people knew how they really got stuck on that island…)

Aside from all this, he's a whiner, and there's nothing even remotely evil about whining. Then again, that could be why he likes cheese so much.

You know, to go with his whine?

Heh, I made a funny! Hehehe…

Eh, if you have to explain it, it's no good…Moving on!

b) Lucius Malfoy. Oh, he's got his good points. He's great at torturing Muggles, and he's got that smirk that even I'm jealous of. Plus, the fact that he had power over that git Dumbledore when he was on the board of school governors is a bonus in his status.

But really, as slippery as he may be, he's also clingy, needy, and more than a little spoiled.

And besides, I just know he tried to read my diary before slipping it into sweet little Ginny's schoolbooks.

Not cool.

Good thing I'd thought to use that disappearing ink.

Not to mention, his son's a wuss. Major downer.

c) Severus Snape. Cool, smooth, sarcastic Severus. That man can whip up any kind of potion you may need without having to even look up the ingredients first, and he's the most skilled Legilimens/Occlumens I've ever known.

But really.

Is he loyal, or not? This guy's so back and forth, I don't think even he knows for sure anymore.

I chalk it up to spending too much time playing Dumbledore's stooge.

Darn that Dumbledore…One of these days, I'm going to take that stupid little hat of his and jam it right up his crooked old nose…


d) Sirius Black. You've got to be kidding me.

This guy was feared for years, thought to be my most loyal and trusted follower. But even though I have to admit that he did cause an immensely fun amount of widespread panic when he escaped from Azkaban, and yes, he did in a big way cause the events that led to my rebirth, seriously, you couldn't get any more squeaky clean if you soaked yourself in Pine Sol.

And when it comes to that irritating godson of his, and forgive me for paraphrasing a line from a classic movie here, but you could shove a lump of coal up his bum and you'd have a diamond within a week.

He's that tight.


And the list goes on from there.

So, what do I suggest when it comes to picking your personal league of minions? It's really a simple process, involving applications, interviews, and reference checks.

Hey, you can't be too careful.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I leave you on that note for the time being. There are many more lessons to be learned, but I simply don't have any more patience for sitting here at this confounded Muggle machine, typing away.

Besides, Desperate Housewives is on in a few minutes…That gives me just enough time to lock Lucius in the basement before the recap of last week's episode begins…!

But fear not, little ones. I will provide you with more necessary information as soon as time allows me to do so.

In other words, I'll get to it eventually.

Until then, happy hauntings!

~L. Voldemort


Okay, I admit it. This is, by far, my favorite one-shot that I've written, to date. I laughed so hard while I was writing it, and then again everytime I read it -- I still do...I hope you liked it as much as I do -- let me know, I have more "essays" written by various other characters waiting in the wings of my mind, just crying out to be written; maybe I'll add them, as well, and make this a collection! Thanks for reading! ~ SP