CARTMAN X KYLE I
Some people will tell you that Cartman and Kyle hated each other. This, is true.
Some will tell you that this hatred ran so deep, nothing on earth would ever pull the relationship out of the primal stew it sat in. This is also true.
Some will tell you that just as nothing can pull them out of hatred, nothing could shift it either. This is not true. For as hatred and rage are instincts deeply embedded in the human mind, so too are other things, things such as... sexual desire.
Pull back now dear reader if you are a fluffy Stan x Kyle shipper. If you believe a fat boy to be an ugly boy also I beg you pull back or have at least an open enough mind to know that when it comes to sexual attentions anything can become desirable, be it large breasts or a hairy mole... on a woman or a man...
So begins this tale of homo erotic passion in a love/hate relationship between a fat, racist son of a bitch and a young boy with a red Jewfro...
As the four boys stood at the bus stop, Kenny couldn't help noticing that Cartman had been staring at Kyle's new snow pants for over five minutes now with no signs of stopping. As any young, poor boy who had spent much of his life dying would, he immediately began to bring all the pieces accumulated over the years together. All those he'd seen in those portals the land of the dead had to offer. The constant rants, the making out with his mother's blow-up dolls, the tea parties with his stuffed animals, the Imaginationland trilogy, it all made sense to him in that one glimmering instant. Cartman was gay, gay for Kyle!
Kenny knew what he must dofor the good of this world. He must blurt out this obvious fact so that Cartman would be embarrassed, freak out, deny it, and finally end up either trying o get it on with Kyle and ending his sexual frustration or else kill himself. Either way would save this world from destruction. He must speak!
"Mmph, mmph- MMMPH!" Kenny squealed as the bus ran off the road and flattened him. Maniacal laughter came from the bus driver as it regained its place on the road. The door opened revealing Mr. Hat as the driver. Apparently after Ms. Crabtree was killed Mr. Hat made his comeback here. He stared eerily at the children as they got on the bus.
"Oh thanks Mr. Hat, they are new snow pants," Kyle smiled as they three boys got on the bus,. Stan and Kyle were on one seat while Cartman sat with Butters across the row.
" Mr. Hat is a lot cooler when Mr. Garrison isn't around," Stan noted.
"Yeah, Mr. Garrison's lame," Cartman said with a smile, eyes drifting to Kyle's new snow pants again. They were pretty sweet snow pants, black and shiny. In fact they seemed almost form fitting, and very comfortable...
From the seat behind, Wendy noticed Cartman's line of eyesight and tried to determine what it could possibly mean. As a young girl of nine who has access to the internet, she only knew that gay love could exist between two cute guys that hugged each other a lot or else two hot guys that had a rivalry. Cartman and Kyle had hatred, which is different sort of, and Cartman wasn't even hot. So it couldn't be that... couldn't possibly be that...
"Eric, uh, I'm not sure you should be looking at Kyle's snow pants so hard. M-my dad says that makes you into a faggot," Butters mumbled.
"Wha-huh!?" Cartman jumped, "N-no! I wasn't staring there Butters! I was just... uh you know, thinking hard about something and my eyes happened to glaze off in that direction, why would I WANT to look at Kyle's ugly-ass snow pants?"
"Hey, my snow pants aren't ugly!" Kyle snapped.
"Yeah, yeah they are! I mean, look how tight they are! They're so tight across your ass, it makes you look like a queer-mo!"
"Don't call me a queer-mo fat ass!"
"Yeah man, not cool" Stan said frowning.
"Don't call me a fat ass, cock sucker!"
"OKAY, THAT'S IT-"
"COCK SUCKING, JEW BOY, SON OF A BITCH, ASS MUNCHING, FAGGOT, QUEER-MO!" Cartman sang and then there was an eerie silence.
"Sorry Mr. Hat," Stan said and they all quieted. Since they headed for school in silence, Wendy had a chance to sit and wonder what all this could mean.
In class, Wendy could not help but stare at the black board blankly, unable to comprehend what she'd just witnessed. Having been subjected to serious yaoi overload ever since her modem speed upgraded she could not help but mull over the possibility that Cartman might like Kyle.
'I mean, by all my figures, if anyone in the class could be paired it would be Kyle and Stan, but... but Stan's MY boyfriend! Kyle can't steal my Stan!' Wendy gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. She had to put a stop to this, but Kyle was Stan's best friend, she couldn't simply fly him into the sun. There was only one choice. Although it went against everything her fluffy yaoi fangirl heart directed, she would have to set Kyle up with Cartman. Luckily, she knew just how to do it.