Acolytes and Their Aberrations

"I do not agree," Piotr said studying the table.

"Oh come on. How can you keep ignoring the obvious?" Remy asked sitting across from him. He and Piotr were in the recreation room playing a game of dominos.

"It is how I feel. I am sure there are many others who would agree with me," Piotr shrugged rummaging through the bone pile.

"Yeah, and they're all completely wrong," Remy stated putting down a domino. "Anyone who's anyone knows that peanut brittle trumps cashew brittle any day of the week."

"Not necessarily," Piotr protested. "Peanuts overwhelm the flavor and break apart too easily. Cashew brittle is the perfect balance of sweetness, texture and nuttiness."

"Yeah right," Remy snorted. "At least peanut brittle is crunchy enough to enjoy. Unlike that super sticky cashew brittle that makes taffy look like a jawbreaker."

"Only the cheap kind of brittle," Piotr pointed out. "Really good cashew brittle is made with the finest ingredients and cut so well the pieces look like part of a stone pathway."

"So what? Appearance isn't everything," Remy scoffed. "Peanut brittle is still way better."

"No, cashew brittle is," Piotr countered.

"Peanut."

"Cashew."

"Peanut!"

"Cashew!"

"Wahoooooo!" Pyro whooped bouncing into the room on a large pogo stick. "Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!"

"Look out!" Remy and Piotr ducked as Pyro easily jumped over the table and cleared it by a good three feet.

"Hey there mates! What'cha doing?" Pyro asked dismounting from his pogo stick with a big smile on his face.

"Trying to remember a day when something abnormal didn't happen around here," Remy quipped. "So far nothing's come to mind. A better question is what are you doing?"

"And how were you able to jump so high?" Piotr asked.

"Oh I'm trying out the latest improvements to my new pogo stick," Pyro beamed proudly. "I went and souped it up with some stuff lying around one of the storage rooms. Now I can really get some speed outta this baby!"

"Huh?" Remy blinked. "How do you go and soup up a pogo stick?"

"Oh it's real easy. You just take a dozen bungee cords and some matches..." Pyro began.

"Forget it, I don't wanna know," Remy groaned rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Man, this tops your rocket-powered rocking horse idea."

"Hey, that was a great idea!" Pyro snapped. "It would've worked if I just put the engines on the right way and if Mags wasn't in the bathroom at the time."

"Well, you did end up making a good start on an indoor swimming pool with it," Piotr admitted. "Though I do not think having one covering both the laundry room and Magneto's lab would be a good thing."

"At least Sabes was the only one around when the Helmholtz coils blew up," Pyro giggled. "His hair is still fizzy in places."

"That's not the only thing fizzy around here," Remy noted twirling a finger near his ear and tilting his head toward Pyro.

"Anyway," Piotr ignored Remy's gestures. "What are you doing with a pogo stick in the first place?"

"Well how else am I supposed to corral a bunch of aardvarks?" Pyro asked.

"Aardvarks?" Piotr blinked.

RUMBLE!

CRASH!

"AAARRRGGHHH! SOMEBODY GET THESE THINGS OFF ME!" Sabertooth was heard screaming in the distance. "YEEEOOOWWWWWW! THOSE CLAWS ARE SHARP! OW! OW! OW!"

"Uh oh, sounds like they're off again," Pyro shook his head. "Ya think Sabes would know better than to get in the way of an aardvark stampede."

"An aardvark stampede?" Remy looked at Pyro in shock. "Who's ever heard of an aardvark stampede? What kind of messed up mind would even think of something like that? And what the heck is an aardvark anyway?"

"Isn't it a kind of anteater?" Piotr asked.

"No, but that's a common misconception," Pyro pointed out. "Aardvarks were originally thought to be pigs but are actually more closely related to manatees, hyraxes, elephants..."

"Thanks for the zoology lesson Pyro," Remy groaned and leaned back in his chair. "How many aardvarks are out there?"

SMASH!

"WAAAUUUGGGHHH! NO BITING! NO BITING!"

WHAM!

"Just around thirty or so," Pyro waved. "Not nearly as many as I wanted."

"Great," Remy moaned. "I shudder to think where you even got all of 'em, much less how you managed to sneak 'em all into the base...AAAHHH!" Remy jumped at the touch of something round and wet poking against his leg. He looked down and found himself staring into the snout of a round, lightly colored aardvark standing next to his chair. "What the...?"

"Oh boy, you found Ellie!" Pyro chirped happily. "She's really sneaky. Always popping up where you least expect her."

"Ellie the aardvark," Remy felt a massive headache coming on. "Just when you think you've heard and seen it all...hey!" Remy yelped as the aardvark started to nuzzle his leg.

"Wow, she really likes you," Pyro noted.

"Well tell her to knock it off!" Remy snapped and tried to shove the aardvark away. "Go on, shoo! Shoo!"

"Come on mate, she's just being friendly," Pyro assured him. "Give her a hug!"

"I'll give her a good swift kick in the...aaarrrggghhh!" Remy shouted as the aardvark managed to knock him out of his chair. She then proceeded to climb on his chest and lick his face. "AAACCCKKK! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

"Why Gambit? I thought you liked having the shelias fawn all over you," Pyro looked confused.

"NOT WHEN THEY'RE A DIFFERENT SPECIES!" Remy yelled as he frantically tried to avoid being drenched in aardvark drool. "HELP! I'M BEING VIOLATED BY AN AARDVARK! HEY WATCH THE EYES!"

"Will she hurt him?" Piotr asked in concern.

"Na, not a bit," Pyro scratched his head. "At least I don't think so. Maybe..."

"GAAAHHHHHH!" Remy twisted and threw the affectionate aardvark aside. "Bleah!" He spat and tried to wipe off his saliva covered face. "Yuck! This is disgusting!"

"Oh don't worry. You'll get used to it," Pyro knelt down and patted the aardvark on the head. "You ever stop and wonder what marvels aardvark spit does for the skin?"

"No. I'm wondering what that thing would look like next to some eggs, hash browns and three pieces of toast," Remy growled threateningly.

"Shhh! Don't say things like that!" Pyro scolded and awkwardly tried to cover the aardvark's large ears. "You'll hurt her feelings."

"I'll hurt more than that the next time an aardvark gets near me," Remy muttered.

"Awww, that's too bad. They'll be disappointed," Pyro sighed and pointed behind Remy.

"They? Who's they?" Remy frowned and turned around only to see a dozen female aardvarks standing in the doorway. "YAAAHHHHHH!"

"NIEEE! NIEEE!" the aarmory of excited aardvarks stormed towards him.

"AAAHHHHHH! KEEP 'EM AWAY FROM ME!" Remy screamed as he ran around trying to stay ahead of the aardvarks.

"Come on Gambit! Give 'em a chance!" Pyro encouraged as the aardvarks chased after Remy. "Haven't you hugged your aardvark today?"

"I do not believe this," Piotr shook his head as he tried to make sense of the bizarre spectacle around him. "Is today Aardvark Day or something?"

"Nope. That's in a few months," Pyro told him. "It's a great holiday. We sing aardvark songs and eat aardvark snacks and make cute, handmade aardvark nose warmers and..."

"I had to ask," Piotr groaned.

"LET ME OUTTA HERE!" Remy bolted out of the room with the aardvarks close on his heels. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU GRUBBY, WALKING DROOL FARMS!"

"Hey, they're not grubby!" Pyro shouted after him. "Aardvarks are very clean animals! I even filed their claws and everything!"

"Did you make sure you will be able to feed them all?" Piotr asked. "We do not have many vegetables around here after the dissolving parsnip episode yesterday."

"Don't worry mate. I already fed 'em some of the couple thousand termites I brought in," Pyro waved.

"Termites?" Piotr gasped. "You brought termites into the base?"

"Yeah, it's no big deal. They're all dead anyway," Pyro explained. "I went and got special sugar and chocolate coated termites. The aardvarks really love those! They ate a ton of 'em right before I went and tried out my pogo stick."

"Oh no," Piotr groaned. "Just what we need. Do I even want to know where you are storing all these termites?"

"Relax, I stashed them in a safe place," Pyro assured him.

"PYRO!" Magneto stormed into the room with a furious look on his face.

"Uh oh," Pyro gulped nervously.

"Uh oh is right!" Magneto roared glaring at him with an evil look. "What did you do to the water softener?"

"Water softener?" Piotr repeated.

"Yes, the water softener!" Magneto snapped. "I went to wash my hands and the whole sink exploded! Molten salt spewed everywhere and nearly melted my arm off!"

"What does that have to do with the water softener?" Piotr asked.

"Because the molten salt must have melted and come from the water softener you imbecile!" Magneto shouted. "The real question is what happened to the water softener that made it melt the salt in the first place. A very good question which Pyro better answer soon if he still wants to keep an organic heart in his chest!"

"So this isn't about the aardvarks is it?" Pyro squeaked meekly.

"Aardvarks?!" A vein on Magneto's forehead bulged out. "What aardvarks?!"

"GAAAHHHHHH! MY EYE! MY EYE!" Sabertooth was heard screaming in agony. "I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! AAARRRGGGHHH! NOT THE STOMACH! NOT THE STOMACH! AAAIIIEEEEEE!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Remy shouted in terror as well. "OW! OW! WHAT THE?! AARDVARKS SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO JUMP! OW! GET OFF MY BACK! NO NOT MORE OF YOU...AAAHHHHHH!"

"Uh, the ones currently beating up Gambit and Sabertooth," Pyro offered timidly.

"Oh really?" Magneto's eye twitched dangerously as he looked ready to commit murder.

"SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Remy's cries for help echoed from the hallway. "I'M BEING LICKED TO DEATH BY AARDVARKS! HEY LEGGO MY LEG! WATCH OUT...NO NOT THE PANTS! HELLLPPPPPP!"

"Uh, I better go check on Gambit. Bye now!" Pyro quickly mounted his pogo stick and bounced out of the room.

"Oh no you don't!" Magneto roared and took off after him. "GET BACK HERE YOU NUT! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BASE NOW?!"

"And people say it is their powers that make mutants dangerous," Piotr groaned. "What do they know?"


Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.