I would've traded everything even for just a taste. I'll live with the loneliness but I'll never forget I was never your best bet. - Just a Taste, Scary Kids Scaring Kids
He searches his throat for words, a word, any word at all, any word to fill the dripping silence in the room, the dripping silence that could be broken with a word, a word, any word at all, but his throat can't remember how to summon one up, his tongue can't remember how to form one, his mouth can't remember how to release one, and so finally it's the boy with the pretty blue eyes who speaks.
"I'm sorry, please, you know it had to end eventually."
He still can't remember how to form a word, let alone a coherent sentence, so he latches on to one of the words he had said (he he he, don't say his name, don't think his name, don't let his name escape your barrier, don't beg with his name) and repeats it back.
"End?" It's a whisper, barely audible, but he hears it (don't say his name, don't think his name, don't let his name escape your barrier, don't beg with his name) and his blue eyes drop to the floor and he doesn't say anything but the silence is enough, and Magnus knows.
And then it escapes, his name breaks through the barrier and he's chanting it, chanting it, and it's the only word his mouth knows how to form, it's his mantra, and any trace of dignity is forgotten as he crawls (not really, but he might as well have been) over to him and grabs his shirt.
"Alecalecalecalecalecalecalecalecalecalecalec," and then he grabs another word Alec had said, "please, Alec please Alecalecalec."
His eyes won't meet his (Magnus doesn't know this, but it's because if Alec meets his eyes he's done, he's staying, and for both their sakes Alec can't stay) no matter how hard Magnus shakes him, and when he finally grabs his face in between his hands and makes his head turn, Alec closes his eyes.
He releases Alec (Alec, Alec, it's the only word he knows) and he tries, he tries so hard to keep himself afloat, but his legs won't work, his legs can't stand without Alec (Alec, Alec, it's the only word he knows) so he falls and Alec watches him fall because the only other option is rushing forward and holding him (Magnus doesn't know this, but it's because if Alec holds him he's done, he's staying, and for both their sakes Alec can't stay).
Magnus wants to ask, but his mouth won't form the words, can't form the words (because Alec is the only word he knows, and you can't form a question with just Alec) and it doesn't matter anyway, because he's leaving, Alec is leaving, and he wants to tell him to stop, to come back, but his mouth won't form the words, can't form the words (because Alec is the only word he knows, and you can't form a sentence with just Alec) and of course he won't miss him, of course Alec won't miss him even though all Magnus can concentrate on is the intense pain in his chest, his chest that's suddenly empty, and he wants to yell and scream but his mouth won't form the words, can't form the words (because Alec is the only word he knows, and you can't form a scream with just Alec) so instead he just stays on the ground and tries to imagine what he looked like, what he felt like, what he tasted like (he'd doomed for past tense, doomed to always think of Alec using words that had happened, because Alec will never happen again).
He lays on the ground for minutes, hours, days, weeks, monthsyearsdecadescenturieseternity(time ceases to mean anything, anymore) and he tries to form a sentence to prove to himself that he's still alive, but the only word he knows is Alec and so he settles on that, chanting it, whispering it, shouting it, pleading it, alecalecalecAlecAlecAlecALECALECALEC.
He wonders where Alec is, wonders what Alec's doing, wonders if Alec's sleeping, wonders if Alec's smiling, wonders if Alec can smile now that he's gone.
(Magnus doesn't know this, but Alec hasn't smiled for minutes, hours, days, weeks, monthsyearsdecadescenturieseternity).
I don't know what the hell this is. I'm thinking I might be high off of Halls, or something. Or maybe they filled my Halls with LSD or something. Who really knows.
Also, I don't like the ending. It's really yuck. But whatever.