Sweet, I'm up to 400 deviations! Before you read any further, please know that the entire content of this story is nothing more than me taking out my evil author frustrations on the members of the Akatsuki. It is crack, it has no plot or style, and very well may be the worst thing I have ever written. In fact, I do believe it is the worst thing I have ever written. Oh well; on with the show!
PLEASE NOTE: Tobi shall be my assistant, until I grow bored of him and throw him to the rabid squirrels backstage.
You heard me! Now behave, or else!
Tobi: Meep! Tobi is a good boy!
Right then. Sasori, come here!
Sasori: *walks into room* Tobi, what is going on?
Fear me, puppet boy! For I now control your fate!
Sasori:...Tobi, who is that?
Tobi: The evil author lady. She has squirrels!
Sasori: I'm leaving.
Not so fast, Sasori! I am not done torturing you yet.
Sasori: How is this torture?
Sasori: Was turned into a puppet. You're worse at torture than the brat.
Just for that, you're now wearing a tutu!
Sasori: *Looks down and sees frilly dress* The hell?!
Tobi: Tobi tried to warn Sasori! The evil author lady is mean.
Tobi: *cowers behind chair*
Good. Now then, back to you!
Sasori: Why did you even call me in here in the first place?!
Because I wanted to put you in a dress. It makes it that much easier for Deidara to rape you ^^
Sasori: O.O What?
Ahem! And so, Deidara came flying in from the doorway and pounced on his uke-
Sorry, his adorable uke-
Sasori: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!
And raped him until he couldn't walk.
Deidara: *leaps on Sasori and drags behind couch (there are children in the audience, you know)*
Next victim! Kisame!
Kisame: *walks into room* Yes?
Tobi: Kisame, run!
That's it! Squirrels, attack!
Squirrel army: *tackles Tobi, dragging the screaming boy backstage*
Make sure you gnaw his toes off!
Sorry you had to see that. Now, for you...fight the shark from Jaws to the death!
Kisame: That's it?
Kisame found himself inexplicably transported to the ocean, about to be attacked by a massive great white shark. He began to form a hand sign-only to realize that he no longer had hands!
Kisame: WHAT?! *stares at stumps*
Hey if the shark doesn't have hands, neither to you. That would be an unfair advantage.
Kisame: You are-GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Shark: *tries to tear out a chunk of Kisame's shoulder*
We'll get back to you later. For my next victim, I pick Hidan!
For no reason whatsoever, Hidan popped out of thin air, landing smack dab in the middle of my torture chamber.
Hidan: *appears with bath towel wrapped around waist* For Jashin's sake, I was in the damn shower!
Not anymore you aren't!
Hidan: No shit, Sherlock.
Your swearing irks me. Without another thought, Hidan was put on mute.
Hidan: *opens mouth to swear, but no sound comes out*
Aww, he looks like a little fishy! ^u^ Moving on; Kakuzu!
Kakuzu: *walks in, sees Hidan, and stares*
Hidan: *motions for Kakuzu to run*
Hmm, I have to torture you, but nothing comes to mind. An anvil appeared out of thin air, falling on the banker's head.
Kakuzu: *collapses from anvil attack*
Hidan: *stares in shock*
You bore me, Hidan. But what shall I do with you, hmm? Wait, here it is! Having been found to be mentally and emotionally unstable by the author, Hidan was promptly transformed into a school boy and enrolled in a Catholic grade school.
Hidan: *mouths several obscenities as he shrinks down to child-size and is stuffed into a uniform, then a desk in a small classroom*
Oh, and he was unmuted just as the nuns walked into the room!
Hidan: -ing bitch! Get your ass down here and-
Nuns: Language like that will not be tolerated! *all beat Hidan with rulers*
That might take a while. Hmm, let me see, I've tormented Sasori, Tobi, Deidara-
Deidara: You didn't do anything to me, un!
What do you think Sasori's going to do to you once he can walk again?
Deidara: O_O'' I'm dead, un.
Yes, I know, now moving on! Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi-oh, Itachi! Wait, no, I like him.
Inner: Tough! He must be tortured, or this whole thing is epic fail!
You suck. TTnTT
Inner: Thank you, I work for your misery.
All right, without warning Itachi was ganged up on by weasels in heat. *far off screams are heard* Happy now?
Inner: I'm never happy.
And with that the inner voice was banished to the emo corner!
Inner: *sits in corner* Meanie!
I try. That leaves Zetsu, Pein, and Konan! I'm getting lazy, so Zetsu can be trampled by a herd of rabid Finnish elks.
Zetsu: NOT AGAIN! *turned into street putty by stampeding herbivores*
Meanwhile, Konan was caught in a freak indoor flash flood, and became soggy papery goop!
Sorry about that. And now, for you! Pein, my favorite target! :3 eheheh….
Pein: YOU. You're the evil author I keep hearing about?
Pein: Do your worst; I don't care! Do you know why?
Pein: Because YOU send me to hell and back on a daily basis! I do nothing, and yet I am your personal punching bag! I have two ulcers, high blood pressure, and insomnia because of you!
How did you get insomnia-
Pein: I lie awake at night, dreading the coming day, trying to figure out what twisted, demented, sadistic idea you've come up with to torment me with now! You are a she-demon, the devil incarnate, and a loathsome creature that CRAWLED OUT OF THE FOULEST PIT IN THE UNDERWORLD!
….*hands plane tickets*
Pein: What are these?
Tickets to Hawaii. You'll be staying in a luxury hotel there for a week.
Pein: How is that suffering?!
Simple. You'll have to come back to all this.
Thanks people, you've been a beautiful audience! Now, let's all agree that I will never do this again, and move on with our lives.