"I fucking love the Three Stooges. Back in the 1930's, they were very well-known for their short films. Man, they were awesome. But what stupid-ass company would decide to make a game based on them 50 years later? Well. Activision, of course. The makers of that piece of shit, Die Hard."
The nerd was shown on screen.
"Here we go! The Three Stooges on NES!" said the nerd, holding up the Three Stooges cartridge to the camera. "Let's pop this fucker in!"
The nerd did so and turned on the NES.
The title screen came up and the Ghostbusters II logo came up.
"What?" asked the nerd. "Did I put the right game in?"
The nerd went to turn off his NES when he saw three men in white shirts and blue overalls. One had thick, orange sideburns, one had black, moppy hair, and one has a short buzz cut. They were Larry, Moe, and Curly.
"Hey, fellas!" said Curly. "We're in the wrong game!"
"Hey, this looks like a kid's game!" said Larry.
"More like a shit game!" responded the nerd. "I'd rather stick a needle in my dick than play that anal fuck again!"
The screen then went black and Moe was heard shouting "You imbeciles!" along with some popping noises.
"So, I did have the right game. That's a good thing." said the nerd. "This game looks promising so far. They got the opening title card from the short films correct. That's good. But then, the game begins."
The intro begins.
"So, there's this evil banker who threatens to take some orphanage and the Three Stooges have to help pay the rent by doing odd jobs or some shit like that. Anyway, first mini-game. Here's five cards. Press the A button to stop the hand, and play a mini-game. The first mini-game we have is the Hospital mini-game, where you have to control the Stooges as they follow a guy carrying a stretcher and collecting red crosses and avoiding patients. Knock over too many patients and the game ends. What's up with the music? It sounds like an ice cream truck and it repeats the same sixteen notes over and over."
A red cross comes flying over one of the patients. The stooges try to get it, but they end up hitting the patient.
"Fuck!" cursed the nerd. "I swear, sometimes, in order to get one of the red crosses, you have no choice but to hit the patient."
After the mini-game, the Stooges returned to the mini-game screen.
"So, you earn money depending on how many red crosses you got. You get five dollars for each one you collect." explained the nerd.
"Alright, next mini-game. This time, it's boxing." said the nerd. "It's based on the Stooges short, 'Punch Drunk', where Curly becomes a boxer and knocks out the champ to 'Pop Goes the Weasel'. However, you don't play as Curly, here. You play as Larry, who, after his violin breaks, has to make a fast run to the radio shop and get a radio before the six rounds end. But what the fuck kind of boardwalk is this? There're poles, random stacks of boxes, poles, fire hydrants, and…dead hookers? So you run and dodge the obstacles. You have to be fast enough to jump over the fire hydrants, but slow enough so that you can see what's ahead of you. This balance is impossible, though, because, well, THERE IS NO BALANCE! You just have to take your time- but no, you can't do that, because there's a time limit! Such bullshit!"
The nerd came real close to the end.
"Almost there." said the nerd. "Gotta dodge the pole, gotta leap the- fuck!"
Larry attempted to jump the fire hydrant, but tripped and fell.
"The worst part about this is that right after recovering after five seconds, you can get hit by a nearby obstacle right after!"
Larry came close to the door.
"This is it…I can still make it!" said the nerd.
Suddenly, a pole came up and hit Larry.
"Fuck!" yelled the nerd.
The 6th round ended and it went back to the mini-game menu.
"FUUUUUUUUCK!!" yelled the nerd at the top of his lungs. "Those fucking, goddamn, rocket-licking poles! Fuck 'em all to hell!"
"Okay, next game. This one's a Cracker-Eating Contest, where you play as Curly. The goal is to move the spoon and eat as many crackers in the soup as possible before the clams take 'em from you. The controls are more slippery than an elephant's greasy dick. Sometimes, I go right and the spoon goes too far! And whenever the oysters snatch your crackers twice, the game suddenly stops for a few seconds and you hear Curly say something I can't make out. Why would that be necessary? I'd rather pause the game for a few seconds. Anyway, every cracker you get, you get five dollars, but for every ten, you finish a bowl. If you get more crackers, you move on, if they get more, the mini-game ends."
Back to the mini-game menu.
"Next up is the Waiter mini-game." said the nerd. "This one also sucks ass. You play as the stooges as they have to throw pies at the customers, while dodging the pies themselves. It doesn't even explain the controls. They suck ass. You press the left arrow to dodge as Larry, down, Curly, right, Moe. This mini-game sucks. The controls are more confusing than rocket science."
Back to the mini-game menu.
"Next up, we have Trivia!" said the nerd. "Well, what can I say. It's Three Stooges Trivia. Get a question right and you get $200. Get one wrong and you get nothing from that question. Three questions per game. Hold left for A, down for B, and right for C. These are the best controls in the game. That, and there's no time limit, so you have plenty of time to think."
Back to the mini-game menu.
"Up next, the slapstick mini-game." said the nerd. "It's good that the designers captured the true slapstick of the Three Stooges, but there's absolutely no point in this. You play as Moe and you have to try and eye-poke Larry and Curly. You don't earn any money for it, and they block your pokes at random. So what's the point?"
"That's it. Now I think I have enough money. But the game won't end until you hit three mousetraps. So, here I go. I got $14,000."
The nerd got three mousetraps and the game faded. The orphanage appeared as the orphans thanked the Stooges.
"YOUR GIFT OF $14000 HAS SAVED THE CHILDRENS HOME!" said the orphanage owner.
"WE PAID THE RENT WE OWED AND REPAIRED OUR HOUSE WITH THE MONEY LEFT OVER!"
"End." the next screen says.
"I knew it!" says the nerd. "No shitty game is complete without a shitty ending.
The nerd took the game out of his TopLoader.
"That's it! I'm done with this game!" yelled the nerd. "I'd rather have a dog anal rape me in my ass while sucking a gorilla's dick! I'd rather lick a pig's shitty asshole and get the swine flu! Moe's my ass, Curly's my balls, and Larry's my dick! This game sucks ass! And by ass, I mean shit-covered, piss-drenched, hemorrhoid-infected ass! FUCK THIS GAME!"
The nerd got a frying pan and smashed the game with it while woo-wooing a la Curly. Then, he hits himself with the frying pan and knocks himself out.
A The End title card a la the Three Stooges appears as a trumpet version of Three Blind Mice plays in the background.