Fools For Love
By Andie O'Neill
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Sometimes the worst lies of all are the ones you tell yourself.
A/N: It's angsty, but after this weeks episode it was begging to be written. This is just a little look into what might be going on in Gillian Foster's head.
Disclaimer: FOX owns Lie To Me, not me.
She'd heard the saying a million times… 'love is blind.' She'd heard it the day she told her parents about Alec. She'd heard it again after he proposed. She'd even heard it the day of her wedding. Gillian had once believed it herself, but she'd learned long ago that it wasn't always true. Love wasn't blind, it was desperate. She doesn't have to be a human lie detector to tell when Alec's lying to her. She doesn't have to read micro expressions or measure a person's voice inflections to tell Alec wasn't working long into the night as he often claimed. She wasn't blind. She was desperate. She ignored all the signs, averting her gaze when she sensed the lies coming, forcing out a smile as she reminded herself that he deserved his privacy, his own secrets. She'd tell herself she was happy, even when her husband's rejections tore at her heart. Sometimes she wondered if it would be easier if she couldn't see, didn't have the ability to read people the way she can. It's not something she can turn off no matter how badly she wants to.
The words repeat in her head with every lie, like a mantra, and she knows with every lie he tells, she's telling an even bigger one to herself. 'I'm happy.' She knows the others can see it, but she tries to hide it anyway… sadness, regret. Gillian knows Cal can see through her, but he's never said a word. He pretends to believe her, feeding into her own lies the way she would feed into Alec's. Cal never judged her for her choice, no matter how pitiful it seemed. Loker often gave off micro expressions of pity, and sometimes worry. Torres showed anger and disgust. Even Alec's secretary revealed micro expressions of regret with each lie she told to cover her boss' ass. Gillian had learned to look through what each expression revealed, ignoring their reactions just as easily as she ignored her husband's lies. With Cal it was different. She found herself actively searching his face for those micro expressions, but the only one she saw was sadness, and it was like looking into a mirror. She could tell herself she was happy all she wanted, but she deep down she knew the truth… and so did he.
The thing was… she could be angry with Alec for constantly cheating on her. She could stop kidding herself and call him out on his lies. Gillian knew this, but what right did she have? Her husband was having an affair, but then again, so was she. She'd never slept with Cal. She'd never even kissed him. They'd been friends for years, never crossing that invisible line that stood between them. She knew how he felt. She was a human lie detector. He knew how she felt. He'd been studying micro expressions, inflections, and anything else one could imagine for years… most of his life. Alec may have been acting on his feelings, but it didn't make her less guilty. She'd fallen out of love with Alec years ago. She'd fallen in love with Cal almost just as long. She couldn't be angry with him for a crime she herself was committing. She may not have acted on her feelings physically, but she had in her heart. As far as she was concerned that was just as bad. Alec could have his affair, stay out all night, and lie to her as much as he liked. She'd continue to tell herself that she was happy with the way things were, stuffing divorce papers back into her drawer for the hundredth time. All she knew was she wasn't ready to let go, no matter how much it cost her. And with each lie Alec told her, she told herself an even bigger lie, because it was Alec she wanted, not Cal Lightman… or so she kept telling herself.