Notes: Since I took such a long time with my fanmix, I'm just waiting on my manips for it, and in the mean time, I'm hoping to buy you all off with some compositions that I've written for the time being. Each one corresponds to a track on one of the three discs; and this one in particular is for the first track of Jasper's disc, no rain can wash away those bloody tears. So uh... please be just a little more patient with me, yes?
Title: sit and dream of what could have been
Words: 720 words
Disclaimer: It's a fact that I don't own the Twilight series; it's Meyer's creation, and my muses and I only fool around with her characters for no profit whatsoever.
. sit and dream of what could have been .
'Don't wish, don't start / Wishing only wounds the heart / I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl / There's a girl I know / He loves her so / I'm not that girl'
It seems like something out of a tragic romance; it's so melodramatic that there is no way that it could possibly ever be true. But it is, and that's what is so tragic about it. The fact that it is real, that it is happening, and that more then one person will be left broken by the end of this romantic tale of two star-crossed lovers.
For the eternal tale of the vampire who loves a human will always live on, and will perhaps continue to occur repeatedly over the centuries of the Earth's history. But what is never said, is the fate of those who loved the human or the vampire; they are always left conveniently out of the tale. It's always a sad tale, for theirs never will have the happy ending that others receive.
Jasper knows this, he knows it better then anyone else. Ever since he joined the Cullen family, he has always had this deep, burning, and passionate love for the youngest of their clan. But he has never come forward with this, because he's been afraid; afraid of the rejection, of what the truth may be. Though, it's mostly that he fears being alone again.
The loneliness that he felt before... he never wanted to experience that again.
Years flew by, and Jasper found that he was drawn closer and closer to the enigma that is Edward Cullen. And he has learned to read the subtleties of his often complex and turbulent emotions. His entire focus for existence has shifted, and now he finds it painful to feel. His love for Edward has grown to be so deep that it hurts him; and now, he knows that there will be nothing between them. Ever.
A human girl changes everything. It's almost funny that someone so weak, insignificant, can turn everything that seemed so permanent on its head and make everything different. With her alluring perfume, she takes away any thought Jasper had of ever finding that happiness with Edward.
It was a could have been, even before she came along, but it was a slow progression and Jasper knows that had she not come, it would be him who would be at Edward's side, in his arms, and not her. But now it's impossibility, because she is the one who Edward loves with all his heart, body, and soul. There is no room for Jasper in there now.
Oh, it's a torture that Jasper is becoming all too familiar with.
If he was still human, he was sure that he would die from the pain and loss that flooded through him. It's a torture that he would never wish upon anyone, and it is incredibly hard to hide; but somehow, Jasper manages. And no matter how much agony Jasper goes through, he knows that he can never begrudge the human girl; all because she is who holds Edward's heart.
As long as she makes him happy, as long as Edward loves her, then he cannot hate her for anything. Everything before had been simple, but now it's not. And Jasper finds that he's slowly killing himself; he is slowly losing his grip on reality, and is becoming numb. His empathy is not as potent as it had once been, because he finds it harder to identify who's emotions are whose, and how he can soothe them.
Before, it was safe to dream, it was safe for him to wish for a happiness and a love that he was so desperate for. And now, it hurts him so much that his heart feels as though it might burst. The torture burns him, the hurt, the pain, the rejection all twists together and wraps around his heart then rips through it. And there is nothing left there, but he will always be there because of how he loves Edward.
He wasn't born for the life Edward knows, wants and dreams of, but it never before had stopped him from hoping and wishing that he would belong there one day. Now, though, it's all a lie; a broken dream that has given him nothing but heartache and pain.
All the memories that he has of those dreams have left scars on his heart that pour out and continue to drain him of any dream that he might have. He's given up on dreaming, because all they bring is pain.