A/N: Wow...I cannot believe I actually started writing to this story again...and actually finished it. I feel pretty damn accomplished. :] Though its very...heartbreaking and sad. I don't know if anyone is going to read the ending to this because the last time I updated this was...almost exactly three years ago. Gosh, it doesn't seem like it's been that long. I'm very glad I finally finished this story though. It was one of my favorites even though it wasn't the greatest writing or anything. For whoever is out there reading this, I do hope you enjoy this terribly sad ending to this story. And I thank you for reading what I have written.
P.S. The lyrics at the bottom are the property of Linkin Park. I do not own them.
XXIV: It's easier to run
There was a train nearby. I could hear it through the crack in the window. At first I thought it was some kind of invasion. Aliens coming down to pick and probe my brain for any intelligent life. It scared me to the point of screaming, though I didn't hear my scream, I only felt it rip my throat dry. It hurt, I cried. As I cried I saw the door open in front of me. A tall redheaded figure entered the room, skinny, pale and younger than he probably looked. He appeared tired and warn out, like he'd just had sex with five women at the same time. Though something about him told me that it would be men rather than women. Thinking about it harder, I could even imagine this man fucking me. It was…odd, but hey. I didn't even know who I was, how much weirder could you get?
"Roxas…" the man spoke, stepping closer to my bed. I titled my head and smiled, knowing for some reason that I should.
"Hello," I spoke silently with my bruised throat, the man's eyes widening at my sudden talk.
He calmed for a moment, lowering his gaze to my hands, which I noticed were shaking. "Why…did you scream? Are you okay?"
I had almost forgotten my former shriek. I glanced at the window. Was the train gone? The noise was at least. I looked back at the redhead, smiling once again.
"Train…" was all I said.
He looked confused, as if I didn't make sense. Maybe I didn't. Make sense I mean.
"Train…you mean, outside?"
He frowned. "You scared me - I thought…" he trailed off, I never did find out what he thought. "Just don't do that again…"
I nodded, sincerely this time. I wouldn't scare him like that anymore.
"Good…" He sighed once then ran a stressed hand through his red spikes. "Do you need anything?" he asked finally after some silence.
For a moment I was tempted to reply, "You," but I held my tongue for reasons unknown. It's not like I couldn't tell him what I wanted, I could very well say what was needed to say. I was just a bit confused as to why I wanted to say that in the first place. Who was this man to me? I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and even kiss this boy, yet I had no idea why.
I wanted, I wanted, I wanted…
Without much thought at all, I began to crawl my way across the white sheeted bed. For the first time I used my feet to maneuver my way to the edge of the bed, stopping in front of the boy. He seemed unfazed for the moment, staring idly at the floor. I wanted to grab that chin and force him to look in my direction.
Once I'd somewhat usefully gotten up on my knees without falling over, he finally looked into my eyes. His were so tired, exhausted and lonely. Afraid and hurt. It made me want to cry. Made me want to rip apart whoever made him feel this way.
I grabbed his shoulders, he was a doll in my arms, not moving, not fighting against me. No questions were asked as I planted my lips onto his, though neither were any answered.
What had I thought? That I'd understand everything once I kissed him? I understood nothing besides the fact that this man was mine and I was his.
I knew he was trying his hardest to kiss me back without crying. My tongue overtook his mouth, his shyly reaching out to touch mine. It was passionate but not enough for me. For a split second I was about to pull him onto the bed with me, but before I could he shrugged away from me, quite forcefully.
I wanted to scream at him until I noticed his pained expression.
"Explain." I still gripped his shoulders, my hands still shaking.
The redhead turned and coughed quietly then rubbed a hand across his eyes, bringing the tears to my attention.
"I can't…I can't take this anymore, Rox. You've been having these goddamn personality changes all week and frankly, it's starting to drive me insane. It's not your fault, I know…but…just…dammit!" His teeth were clenched, his fists in a vice grip, eyes red and watery. He continued without my asking of questions. "Roxas I love you, but I cannot keep doing this. Every time you wake up you're someone different. You fucking told me to stay the hell away from you just yesterday, started crying because I was trying to talk to you and almost stabbed me with a scalpel. Then the day before that you were crying all day long, wouldn't talk to me, eat, sleep or anything. The day before that you thought I was your brother and wouldn't let me leave the room. And now you're…you're…" he searched for words but couldn't find any. "I'm at my wits end. I keep telling myself if only there was a way to stop this then everything would be okay, but there is no way to fix you Roxas...I know that now…"
The words in my head wouldn't come together. I mean, I knew he'd said them, but they just didn't make any sense.
"I wish you'd stay the same for more than a day…this wouldn't be so hard if I could just stay sane for awhile…"
"I don't…understand…" And I didn't.
Why don't I…?
He sighed then, for what seemed like the hundredth time. "Of course you don't…of course…" He gripped his hair, fingers turning whiter than they already were. "They told me…they told me this was just a phase…and soon your memories would be wiped clean. Like a slate. You have just days…hours…minutes until that happens. Roxas…I need you to try. Try hard. Fight against this!" He was shaking my body; my head wobbling back and forth like it was hardly attached to me. "If you don't realize…if you don't remember, you won't be just forgetting every time you wake up, you'll forget something that had happened a second ago…you'll disappear, Roxas."
I had to be dreaming, there wasn't any other excuse for the man's words. No other excuse. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be real. But if this wasn't reality…then what was? There was nothing before this, so how could this be fake…?
Just then, the door opened and in came another man, hair of blond, tall and just as exhausted as the redhead.
"We're trying it again," he spoke, heading towards my bed and my redhead.
The man holding on to me growled deeply, turning towards the entering one. "Cloud, it's fucking hopeless and you know it! It may have worked once but trying it a hundred more times is only going to hurt him."
"Get out of my way!" The blond held a book high in his hands, as if he were going to hit the redhead with it.
He didn't have the chance to though because the redhead was quicker. He pinned the blond to the wall, wrist with the book held tightly in his palm. "You show that book to him one more time and it'll be your fucking last."
"Fuck you, Axel. He's my little brother, dammit! You've got to let me try! You've got to let me get him back!"
"Like I don't want him back just as badly! But he…" He stopped then punched the wall so hard that drywall came flying out. "He's not coming back!"
The one named Cloud slid slowly to the floor, sobbing on his hands and knees, pounding the small book into the ground. Over. And over. And over again…
"Stop it…" Thud. Thud. Thud. "STOP IT!"
They both turned to me. Their eyes hurt. They hurt me. I could feel their hate and anger. Their sadness and longing. And their pain.
I no longer could be in their presence. I couldn't be there anymore.
Standing up, I quickly sprinted towards the door, only to be caught by the quick redheaded Axel. I flailed and screamed, my throat still bruised and swollen. I kicked and punched the wall, just as the man had done. Soon there were many holes in it, seeming to plant holes in my brain as well. Holes that wouldn't and couldn't be filled in.
I was losing my mind. What little was left of it, anyways.
Everything was dark now. Perhaps because it was nighttime. I barley paid attention though. I didn't really know what that meant anyways. Time for people to…do something. I'm sure that when the sky got darker that meant something. I didn't know though. No matter how long I thought about it the answer never came.
There was food by my side, it had long lost its warmth and now just stared at me with hungry eyes. Maybe the food would end up eating me. That…happened sometimes, right?
And for some reason, there was a man in the corner. He hadn't moved for days it seemed, though I really didn't pay attention. He just kept looking at me with those same eyes. They were dead, but they were also telling me something too.
I'm dead too.
"I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead," I chanted. Saying it out loud seemed to make me feel a little better.
The man didn't move. Didn't breathe either. Or maybe he did, I just wasn't paying much attention.
I wanted to speak to him though. For some odd reason. As if that would bring me any pleasure. Since when did talking to others make you feel better? Well, maybe it did, I just didn't pay enough attention.
"I'm dead, Redhead."
"I know, Rox. I know."
"Will you take this food away? I don't want it."
"Sure thing. Just gimmi a minute."
"No! Do it now!"
"I said just—"
I threw the plate at him. Mashed potatoes and all. It landed on his white shirt. Well, at least the food matched his shirt now.
"Asshole? Bastard? Dick? Fucking idiot? Prick? Douchebag? Jerk? Pick one, Redhead!" I laughed and he frowned. I guess it was sort of fun to talk to strangers.
He stayed silent, not choosing any one of my insults to throw. Instead, he cleaned up the mess I had made and I watched him move. He was slow and tired. It was as if he hadn't slept in days. Maybe he should lie down instead of sitting in that goddamn chair.
Once everything was clean and the food had been removed from my sight he sat right back down in the chair and stared again.
I hated it.
"Stop staring at me, you idiot."
"Why do you stare? Isn't there anything better you could be doing?"
"Yeah, there really is…"
He was silent again. I hated when he was silent. His fingers played with a piece of checkered fabric as he thought to himself. It was ugly. "I guess…I don't really know anymore."
His words made no sense to me. It was stupid and dumb, and so was he.
"Then just leave! Leave me alone! I don't need you here! I don't need anyone." I turned from him and threw the blankets that were on me to the floor. I didn't need those stupid things either.
"It's been a month…and six days since you last retained memory for a significant amount of time."
My eyes flared as he spoke. My heart was beating out of my chest.
"It was your birthday just last week. You turned 17. And you don't remember."
"I bought you a wristband and a necklace. They told me you couldn't have the necklace though, and you ripped up the wristband. Threw it in my face."
"Shut up! Stop talking!" My head was pounding and my eyes were seeing every color imaginable. This guy was killing me.
"And you…you didn't eat the cake. You hardly eat anything anymore. I told you this yesterday too…and you…you still don't remember…"
"Bastard! Shut your fucking mouth!" Someone was cutting my brain in half. Blood was leaking out of my ears.
"This will be the last time I come here. I'm moving. Far away. So I never have to hurt ever again…so I'll never have to be the only one who cares. So I'll be free for once in my life."
I collapsed back onto the bed, my skull hitting the headboard then sliding down to join my lifeless body. Tears were streaming down my face. It hurt. Everything did. And it wasn't fair. Why couldn't I finally be free too…?
"Axel…" I spoke softly, my chest heaving, my body on fire. It was so hot. He was hot too. My hands traveled up and down his body. So soft and smooth, his rib cage felt more prominent than usual.
"Yeah, Rox?" His voice was like hot cocoa on a snowy day. I wanted to drink it right out of his throat.
As I breathed in his scent, that of cinnamon and cigarettes, I felt a sudden twinge of sadness and pain. I felt as if this wouldn't last forever, like it was going to end sooner than I could have ever imagined.
"I'm scared of…the future…"
His large hand came down on top of my head, comforting me if only for a moment. "There's nothing to worry about, Roxas. I will always be there for you. No matter what happens, I will never leave you. I promise you that."
I smiled then, feeling the warmth of his hand radiate throughout my entire body. He kissed me, pushing hard with his mouth onto mine. The soft muscle in his mouth collided with mine. I jerked my pelvis towards his, longing. Our pants were still on, causing the heat between us to almost rage out of control.
"Please Axel…" My one arm was above my head, lying on the bed, my other tugging at his long spikes of hair. "Please fuck me…"
Axel smirked, cocky as always. "Well when you ask me like that…"
He wasted no time removing both our clothing then loosening me up so he could fuck me like he had many times before. I then realized that there wasn't anything else in this world that I could need as long as I had Axel. As long as he was there, I was complete.
The clock read 3:45am and there was a redhead in a chair. He seemed to be sleeping. Maybe. It looked uncomfortable to say the least. Who could sleep in a chair? Well. I guess I'd never tried. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it looked.
I stood up and walked towards him, using my legs for the first time. Everything was so new, yet old at the same time. I didn't quite understand it myself.
As I stood in front of the chair, the sleeping man snoring almost silently, I lifted my hand up and touched his face. It was warm, almost too warm, like he was sick or something. Maybe he was.
It startled me when he spoke so suddenly. I didn't know people could talk as they slept. I was just wondering who this Roxas was and why he would promise anything to them. What good were promises? They were hardly ever kept.
I grabbed ahold of his sleeve and started crying, tugging on it. He woke within seconds, eyes wide and breathing erratic. "R-Rox? Why are you awake? Are you alright?"
"I don't…know who I am…please help me…" I couldn't stop the tears from falling. And it felt good to cry. Maybe I hadn't in a long time and holding it in was too painful.
The redhead got up quickly, wrapping me in his arms, engulfing me in warmth and comfort and kindness. "God, Roxas…what should I do with you…?"
Screaming out my pain was easy enough with the redhead. I wondered for a moment if it would be different with anyone else. His hands rubbed circles on my back and I remembered his promise:
"I will never leave you…"
"You promised me…" I managed to choke out through my sobs. "It was you…you promised you would never leave me…"
There was blood. Blood everywhere. So much red. His hair was so bright red. It matched the blood on my arms and hands. I was screaming.
What the hell?
"What is this? So much blood!" My hands shook as I stared with wide eyes.
"Shit, Roxas! Nurse! NURSE!"
My hands were soon taken from me, examined and in pain.
"Let go of me! Who are you? Where am I? How'd this blood get here? Someone tell me, now!" I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.
"Would you please calm him down? These are deep lacerations. We need a blood transplant in here, right away!" The nurse was shouting by my side, splitting my ears in two.
The redhead then ran over to my other side, grabbing ahold of my head in his warm hands. His eyes were so green…like grass. It was calming. "Roxas. That's your name, Roxas. These are just nurses, and this is a hospital. You're going to be just fine so please, don't move too much for them, okay?"
All I could do was nod, ignoring the pain for the time being. More people flooded into the room, one after the other like a line of ants. They were all shouting but I never took my eyes off of those emerald ones.
I felt a needle go into my arm and his fingers making rubbing motions across my cheek. It was all so loud and painful. "Am I going to die…?"
The redhead shook his head and smiled. I saw tears in his eyes. For some reason I felt like he cried way more than he should. "I told you that you're going to be fine, Rox. You've got to trust me. I won't leave. I've had plenty of chances to, but I'm not me without you. It doesn't matter if you forget me every two seconds. I will always be with you."
"I don't…mean to forget you…" I didn't really know what I was saying…
He smiled through his tears and my heart ached for him. "I love you so much, Roxas. I always will."
He kissed my forehead then, leaving a burning feeling when he removed his lips. It hurt more than my sliced up hands. More than not knowing who I was. More than anything, it hurt. It hurt because it hurt him. And his pain was deeper than I could ever imagine.
Roxas was sleeping; he slept more than anything these days. It'd been almost two months since things were good. Since then, well…things haven't been so good. He doesn't have attacks anymore, which I guess you could say is a good thing. Yet his memory is minimal. The longest I've actually spoken to him without losing his memory was about half an hour. After that, he just seems to zone out then asks the same questions over again as if he hadn't just said them.
I had almost given up too. I'd even planned to sell my apartment and move far away. But the more I thought about it…the more I realized what that would mean…the more I couldn't handle that pain. The pain of being away from the one I love, it was too much for me to bear. I guess I realized that just seeing his smiling face once a day, or once a week, would be better than never seeing it again. And I knew deep down that the Roxas I had once loved wasn't totally gone. At least, that's what I hoped. It seemed hopeless at many points in time. More hopeless than anything was the fact that the doctors told me his memory was gone and was never coming back.
That hurt. Felt like my heart had been ripped in two. It wasn't fair. But nothing in life ever seemed to be anymore.
Cloud had stopped coming around about a month ago. He came on Roxas' birthday and I think that was a little too much for him. Roxas was particularly upset that day and that just scared the older blond away it seemed. I don't know if that was a relief or a letdown to me. It kind of felt sometimes that I was the only one who really cared for Roxas, which just made me feel like I had to stay with him even more. Without me there, who would he have…? Sure, I went out of the hospital, sometimes I slept at home, but mostly I spent the nights in his room, without much sleep at all.
When I did return home it just felt empty and everything reminded me of the little blond which just had me running back to the hospital to see him.
Even though he'd usually just end up throwing shit at me or yelling at me or crying in my arms.
I sometimes wondered how long this was going to go on for.
I spoke to the doctors often, asking if he was getting any better, pressing further treatment if there was any to begin with. But I was always turned down. They told me many times that he would never fully recover and the best thing for him was bed rest and hospital care. I asked if this was going to be his life, and they had only frowned and tried to comfort me.
It seemed hopeless to say the least. A boy, barley in his teens, living his life in a hospital. Never remembering his friends or himself for more than a few minutes. If there was any way…any way at all to save Roxas from his fate, I would do it in a heartbeat.
The small boy's breathing sped up and my eyes shot up towards him. He tossed and turned, making small noises. Things like this scared me for some reason. It wasn't like the boy was going to suddenly die; he wasn't in that kind of condition. And it wasn't like he could really get any worse than he already was.
I placed a hand on his forehead, attempting to calm his sleeping form. He almost instantly began breathing normally again, noises fading into silence once again. This happened often. I guessed they were dreams.
Sitting back down in the chair I sighed deeply, staring at my hands. They seemed a lot more bony that normal. I guess Roxas wasn't the only one who wasn't eating properly. Honestly, I hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. And that was because the nurses had brought me something, urging me to eat. My stomach growled at just the thought but I felt too sick to eat anything.
Maybe I should be the one in the hospital bed.
Roxas then turned in his sleep; his eyes were wide open, staring right at me. It was normal for him to wake up during the night. I smiled, hopefully reassuring him somewhat.
"Who are you?" he asked. Simple enough question. Only been asked that a hundred times.
"The name's Axel. Memorize it."
Like that would ever happen…
"Axel…that's a nice name. Hey, uhm…Axel…Do you know who I am, too by any chance?"
He looked so cute when he was confused. How I missed kissing him and holding him without either of us crying…
"You're Roxas. Pretty cool name too, huh?"
He nodded then swung his legs over the side of the bed, catching a glimpse of his wrists in the process. "What happened to me…?"
I decided to lie. It was easier than the truth and it wasn't like he'd remember anyways. "That's why you're in the hospital, Rox. You hurt your wrists. You'll heal up in no time."
"Is…that it?" he asked.
Hmmm, he's skeptical this time.
It was almost like a game by now. Guessing how his mood was going to be and deciding which way to react to it. "Yup. So just rest up, you'll be out of here soon."
He narrowed his eyes slightly at me, I only raised an eyebrow. "If that's it then why don't I remember anything…?"
I laughed, my smile wasn't fake but the laughing probably was. "You wanna do something for me, Rox?"
He blinked, confused, then stepped off the bed, walking towards me. "What…?"
It was a long shot…usually things like this didn't happen much. But…I was sick and tired of waiting and I needed this. "Come closer, don't worry I won't hurt you, kay?"
The little blond looked confused as all hell, but he did walk closer, taking tiny steps, trying my patience. I took a deep breath when he was just inches from me. And then I looked into those sapphire eyes and asked, "Would you give me a kiss?"
He reeled back a little, misperception or…maybe disgust taking over his features. "What…?"
"A kiss? It's simple really. Just put your lips on mine and I'll do the rest." I kind of sounded like a pedophile…good thing he forgot so easily. His eyes narrowed and he looked towards the ground. Obviously this wasn't going to be easy. "You can close your eyes too. I just…really want to kiss you…" I wasn't lying about that. It'd been months since I'd kissed him and…it was starting to feel like I was the one with memory loss. I couldn't even remember how it felt anymore.
His face seemed to be flushing; it was the damn cutest thing I'd ever seen. "But I…I don't think I've ever kissed anyone before…I can't seem to remember…"
I reached out my hands and place mine in his. He held on to them slightly, "You've kissed me before more times than I can count, trust me," I told him, my eyes smiling.
His grew wide but I just smiled more. "I-I have…?"
I nodded. "Yup, so there's no problem, right?"
"But I…can't even remember if I'm a boy or a girl…I feel like I'm a boy. Isn't that wrong…?"
I sighed and clutched his hands tighter. "I love you, Roxas. That's all that matters. Gender isn't anything to worry about." He still didn't look convinced and I was growing very impatient. "How about I kiss you? Is that okay? You don't even have to do anything."
He shrugged a little but was still staring at the ground. "I…I suppose that'd be okay…"
That was all the conformation I needed.
I pulled the boy closer to me and kissed him. It was amazing, the feel of his soft lips on mine after all this time of crying and pain. It felt like everything would just wash away with this one kiss, as if when I pulled away from him everything would be perfect. I tried to make his lips move with mine, and to my surprise, after only seconds of me attempting, he joined in. My heart leapt in my chest and I pulled him even closer, he was so warm and alive and there. It seemed almost impossible that something so horrible could have happened to him when he was like this.
When I drew back I looked him in the eyes and smiled. I wanted so much more than to just kiss him…I wanted to throw him onto the hospital bed and fuck him until he cried my name. I wanted to feel him wrap his arms around me and orgasm with me.
But…none of that would ever happen. I'd end up having sex with him and he'd lose his memory half way through then freak out or something…
So instead of jumping him, even though there was a slight bulge in my pants, I just smiled and gritted my teeth. "See, that wasn't so bad, right?"
Blue eyes glittered and he smiled too. "I like kissing you, Axel."
Oh Jesus…he shouldn't say something like that…
My arms tightened on him and I took heavy breaths, trying to calm myself down. This was too fucking hard…I should have never kissed him…
"Are you alright…?" he asked slowly.
Slow breaths. Deep, slow breaths. "Not really. I…actually really just want to have sex with you right now, is all."
I could feel him tense up in my arms.
Just forget, Roxas…Please just forget I had kissed you and start asking who you are and who I am again…
"Maybe I'd like that too…"
"It's not going to happen. You'll just end up forgetting…" There were tears in my eyes that I tried desperately not to let fall.
Then it was silent for a lot longer than it should have been. And I knew…he was losing his memories again.
I let the tears fall then when I heard that one simple sentence. "…Who are you…?"
The wind was icy on my skin as I stared down at the city below me. I tried to remember how I'd gotten up here in the first place but it evaded me. No matter how hard I thought about it, there was nothing there. Nothing was telling me who I was or why I was standing on the edge of the top of a building. I tilted my head slightly and stared at the many people that looked more like ants than human beings.
Didn't a lot of people say that when they were high up…?
You all look like ants from way up here…
Or maybe not. I couldn't remember anything…
I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood as my feet made my body sway. My mind was empty…it was like every sound I heard and every move things made was all new information and it had to be processed thoughtfully. I didn't understand though. Why was everything so new…? Why wasn't there anything else in my head…?
Sighing I brought my hand up to my face and then stared at my wrist. There were scars on it, cuts that looked decently deep, but had healed over time. I didn't remember how I had gotten those. Why was that?
I looked over my shoulder and saw a redhead screaming something. Someone…named Roxas? He couldn't have been talking to me…
"Step away from the side, Rox! Please!"
I turned back around and looked towards the ground. My head was throbbing. The pain in my wrists seemed to have never left me. My eyes were burning and my whole body was shaking violently.
It started to snow.
"Roxas! Please! I love you, don't do this! Please!"
No one loved me. I couldn't remember anything. So obviously no one did. I was alone in the world. The redhead was a liar.
"You're lying!" I screamed. I heard his footsteps behind me and I turned around. "Take one more step and I'll jump!"
Was that even true…? Would I jump? Is that why I came up here in the first place? To rid myself of the…emptiness?
The redhead was crying, I could hear him. "Roxas…you mean the world to me…if you jump…I'm jumping right after you…"
Was he insane? He wasn't the one who forgot everything! He could remember and live a happy and normal life! I was the one in pain. He knew nothing of anguish and turmoil.
"Just go! Live your life without me! Be happy! You're…not the one…who has to forget…" I was crying to. It seemed like my tears were going to turn to ice with how cold it was.
The man took a few more steps and I took one as well, closer to the edge.
He stopped and fell to his knees, sobbing and tearing at his hair. "If this is how it ends then I don't want to live anymore! I don't want to live without you in my life, Roxas! That's no life at all!"
Maybe he did love me and I was just too stupid to realize it. He seemed…like he was really breaking down.
My whole body wanted to go towards him and comfort him. But my mind…the one that was empty and lifeless, just wanted to fling myself off of the building and hit the cement so that everything would finally stop hurting so much.
I was hurting the redhead. I was hurting myself. I was an abomination to the world and a useless excuse for a human being. That's all there was to it. I was empty and without purpose. Even if the redhead loved me…how could I ever love him if I forgot him all the time…?
The wind blew across my tear streaked face and I looked towards the man, curled up on the snowy ground, crying for love. Crying for life. Crying for me.
I was causing him to cry. I was the source of his misery. If I was gone…he could be happy.
"This is the right thing to do…" I voiced, staring towards him with cold eyes.
He looked up and I saw just how much pain he was in. It caused my heart to constrict and my whole body to collapse.
"See what I'm doing to you? Do you see it! Because I DO!" I screamed and clutched onto my shoulders, the wind felt like nothing more than a breeze on my skin now. I was frozen and numb.
He started crawling towards me and I moved backwards. "Stay back!" I shouted. I was afraid. Afraid of hurting him more. Afraid of myself.
"Either we're both living or dying here today, Roxas…there is no other way."
"Think about what you're saying!" I used my hands to wipe some tears from my face. "If anything you should live for me! If you die, then I'll be gone for forever! I'll live on in you! Live! For me!" My voice was cracking with how much yelling I was doing. Though I couldn't feel it. Everything was numb, as I mentioned before.
He looked towards me, his eyes were so broken. "I can't live without you…" he managed to say, desperately trying to persuade me.
I shook my head and smiled a little, the smile felt so…fake. "You can. And you will…You're stronger than that."
"How do you know…? You can't remember, right?"
I thought for a moment and looked towards the white ground. "That's right. But I just…have this feeling, I guess. I have this…gut feeling that you're special to me. Call it what you want, but regardless, I will never remember you."
"That's not true. It's happened plenty of times before! You just all of a sudden remember me! It will happen again, I know it will!" His fingers were in the snow, I could just imagine how cold he was. I had to end this quickly.
I shook my head and smiled again. "Everything is different now, you know that. You need to start thinking about yourself. You need to realize that there is more to life than just me. You must live…"
"I can't! I can't live without you! I JUST CAN'T!" Tears were falling into the snow beneath him, melting the fluffy condensation.
"But you will…"
"You'll never know if you die here!"
"I'll keep an eye on you, wherever I end up going."
"Roxas I—Please…don't…" I had had enough of seeing him cry. And when I was alive, I couldn't just turn my head and close my eyes. If I were dead…I wouldn't have to see it any more.
I stood and began walking towards him. Kneeling down, I placed a hand on his shoulder. This seemed to melt him and it pained my heart. "Look at me."
He did and I stared at him, seriousness in my eyes. "You will live on. You will be happy without me. You will find someone else. Because this is what I want for you. That is all I'm asking."
"I can't…I won't…" His green eyes were mixed with so many tears that they looked like pools of shining emeralds.
I reached for his hand and grabbed it in mine. "You will," I said smiling a little more, "this is the only way."
"H-how did you decide that? You can't remember anything…"
I thought for a moment and then spoke, "I guess it's just something I can't understand or explain."
"So let's figure it out together! We'll work really hard at trying! It's only been four months, Roxas. We can fix this, I know it!"
He was just trying to find something to convince me to stay. But I had already made up my mind. "No, we cannot fix this. It's already too broken. If we try to pick up all the pieces all we'll end up doing is getting cut…"
"I don't care! Cut me as much as you want, Roxas! I won't live without you!"
He's more stubborn than I thought…
Instead of talking I leaned in and kissed him. I don't really know why I did…I guess it just felt like something I would have done if I actually had memories. Our lips moved on each other's, our tears meshing together on our cheeks. It felt so wonderful—this I would miss.
His tongue did circles around mine and our breath was hot in the hair, steam rising all around us. I suddenly felt too hot, like my body had gone from one temperature to another way too quickly. It was a shock and I couldn't really handle it.
I used my hands to hold onto his shoulders then pull away from him. Even though I wanted to kiss him for the rest of my life, I knew that I couldn't. I'd soon forget and then this memory would be long gone.
"Promise me…Promise me you'll live…" I said, my tongue hanging slightly out of my mouth with every breath.
His eyes were shut tight, he was clutching onto my sides for dear life, his nails digging deep into the flesh. It didn't hurt anywhere near as much as my heart did. "What will I do…? What will I do without you in my life…?"
I tried laughing a little; I needed to sound happy, for him at least. "You'll get out of this hospital. You'll find a great girl, or guy, and settle down with them. You'll be happy and free of worries. You'll think of me sparingly, and when you do it will only be happy memories of the ones we shared long ago. You will…grow old and maybe have some kids…" My heart was constricting with pain, it felt like it would burst at any moment. "This is what I want, for you…and for me."
"It won't be sparingly…" he said, sniffing up tears. "I'll think of you every second of my life…"
I smiled and looked into his eyes. "That's sure depressing…"
"Don't leave me…"
"You know I have to…" He was making this so damn hard…
He pulled me close to him once again and we kissed for what seemed like hours. His hands explored every inch of my body. I felt the snow on my bare back, it was so cold but so hot. He was above me, eyes stone cold and filled with tears. When he went to kiss me again I felt him thrust into me. It was passionate and euphoric. My breath was in clouds around my face, spit was covering my cheeks and each time he pulled out of me I let out a sharp gasp. This felt so real…so familiar, but so…distant and false.
When he finally came inside of me his body fell on top of mine and I came moments afterwards. We lay in the snow; our body heat had melted almost all of it around us.
I felt…my mind slowly drifting…into some place I couldn't really picture. Maybe it was a field of grass or…the ocean. I saw some people there, waving their hands, motioning me to come towards them. One was short, like me. Brown hair tussled around on his head. He looked the happiest. The silver haired one next to him was glaring with his eyes but his mouth was smiling. Another two were behind them, both girls. One with hair of wine and the other of snow. They were holding hands and waving as well.
To the left of them were three my age. Curly brown hair on one of the boys, he looked serious but happy at the same time. Another boy was short and round, hair black as night on the top of his head. The girl was wearing orange and had brunet hair, the longest out of all of them. She…looked so comforting and kind.
All of these…people. I think I knew them somehow. As if in another life I had spent some great times with them. I longed for that again. I wanted them to laugh and joke with me once again. I needed their company so much it hurt…
So…I walked towards them slowly.
His voice was nothing more than a pinch in my mind. Nothing…but a wisp of air. It didn't faze me. I didn't stop walking towards the only thing that had me…hoping again.
"PLEASE ROXAS, DON'T!"
"Goodbye, Axel…I will always love you."
My whole body fell. It fell into the place I had once loved. It crashed into the waves of the ocean. It felt the grass against its skin. It was warm underneath the sun. It…was finally allowed to live and let live.
I am free.
Three years later…
It's strange how things work in this world. It's…confusing and difficult to understand. For me, that was an understatement. My life had taken me through many twists and turns, I once thought that I'd never be able to really ever live again.
Thinking back at it now, seems…almost like it never happened. I try my best to shut it out as much as I can. At least…the bad parts.
He had told me to live for him, and after almost killing myself multiple times…I was finally doing just that.
That day had changed my life forever. But…I know he did it for me. He did it so we could both finally be free. He…was kind and realized the pain he was putting me through. And even though the pain after he was gone was one of the hardest things to deal with…three years later I…I'm happy.
I thought I couldn't live without him…but maybe I couldn't live with him either. Not the way he was. Almost every day of my life I longed for…the old him. The one who remembered things and the one I could laugh with. He was…who I missed. I always thought… "What if things had been different?" What if he never had memory loss?
And…then I just missed him even more.
I couldn't even bare to say his name anymore.
The pain had dissipated over the years; the horrible urge to throw myself off a building did as well. Like I said…I was happy.
But I never stopped thinking about him. My whole life…would probably be spent thinking about that blond boy. The one who changed my life and made me the happiest yet… saddest man on the planet.
I opened the door to the dorm, coming back from a long day of studying.
"Hey, welcome back!" I was greeted by the same person every day.
It…wasn't much of a happy feeling though. Maybe…I wasn't as happy as I thought I was. Or more…tried to be.
I waved and smiled a little. "I'm gunna go to my room. Got a lot to work on."
"No problem. Work hard!"
I nodded and left, feeling empty. Three years of college were really getting to me as of late. But…if I wanted to be a doctor I had to work extra hard. The only thing I ever wanted to do anymore was just help people like…him. Maybe I'd meet someone else who had a similar condition. If that was even possible. And even though that would be truly depressing…I guess I just longed for something of the past. Some tiny bit of information that had me remembering and feeling like I had before. I wanted it so badly…I missed it. I craved it.
So there wasn't anything else I could do but study my ass off in hopes of finding that one thing…
It was my first day of training. The summer was just starting and instead of hanging with friends or getting drunk at the dorms for the whole three months, I decided to volunteer at a hospital. For some reason, as I entered the building, I felt like maybe I was disobeying one of his last wishes.
He had told me to get out of the hospital but…I guess I was back in one once again.
I'm sorry…but…it's something I have to do.
As I followed one of the doctors I looked around at the walls. They were all yellow, something totally different from what the Lab had had. I remember the white walls pretty well. This place definitely had a different feel to it.
"You'll be working with a patient today, is that's alright?"
I raised my eyes and stared at the back of the man, a white lab coat attached to it. "Already? You sure that's okay?"
"Of course! You were recommended here, I think you should just jump right in!" He sounded confident in me; I just didn't know how confident I was in myself. "Here we are! Now. This patent has been here for almost a year now…" My heart did little flip-flops in my chest suddenly. "He…suffers from short-term and long-term memory loss. So he hasn't left for quite some time due to that fact."
My eyes were wide and I almost felt like I was going to throw up.
"Are you alright, Axel?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah…I just…I knew someone who had the same disease before."
"Well then that's a good thing. Maybe this will work out then, huh?"
I bowed my head and stared at the floor. I wasn't sure if I was ready to go in that room…
"Let's not waste any time!" the doctor said before I could even have any time to think or reconsider.
The door opened and I walked in after the white clad doctor, my eyes strained on the floor. I was afraid to even really look at this person.
"Good morning, did we wake you?"
The boy spoke. "No…I've been awake."
"Good, good. Well, I brought someone for you to meet today. His name is Axel. He'll be working with you this summer, how does that sound?"
My eyes finally ripped away from the floor and when they connected with the boys I…started to cry.
They…were so blue. Everything…he…was almost an exact replica of…him…
I was speechless. It was as if he had come back from the dead.
"Here's the paper work. I will leave you two alone so you can get more acquainted. Just come get me when you're finished." The doctor left and then I was alone with the boy.
The doctor hadn't noticed my tears but the boy did.
"Why are you crying…?" he asked. His voice…was…the same.
My whole body shaking, I collapsed to the floor, my knees hitting the ground hard.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing…
Is this some kind of…hallucination…?
"Uhm…hey…what's wrong…?" The boy got up from the bed and walked over towards me. He placed a hand on my shoulder and I flinched back.
His eyes grew sad and I finally opened my mouth. "Your name…what's your name…?"
That smile…was the most gorgeous I had ever seen. It matched his perfectly. "It's Ventus. But, you can call me Ven if you'd like."
Sometimes it's easier to run. It's easier to forget your past and live as if nothing has happened. It's easy to run because when you do, you're throwing away responsibilities and hardships that you might not have had to face if you had stayed. It's simpler. It's the easy way out.
If I had learned anything…it was that fact.
I had run back to a hospital. I had run back to what I missed. I was sick of facing the hardships. I was tired of living life, trying to forget him. Trying to live without any memories or signs that he had existed.
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
I was no longer alone. I will remember. Roxas will live on for the rest of my existence.