SUMMARY: It doesn't really have a summary or even a plot. Yet another angstfic on IP:IA. Aeryn POV. A slightly disjointed thought pattern, grief, confusion, pain… the usual…


SPOILERS/SETTING: As if you even needed to ask… Set after IP:IA, and possibly during my other fic "Nothing More You Can Do".

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, the situation, or the events leading to it. I do own the musings.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm so sorry to keep churning these out and subjecting you to them… really. So sorry. This time I got a line in my head and it just wouldn't go away, as before - the line in question being "I'm falling, too fast, and I can't stop. I've fallen, hard, and nothing stops the pain." or something similar to that. Anyway, I'm sitting here, in a power cut, with a torch stuck to my head, writing this out by hand. How's THAT for dedication?!



© T'eyla Minh 2001

It hurts… it's excruciating, this pain. I've lived through stronger pain than this, I thought I could withstand anything… but this rips through me harder than any pulse blast could… sharper than any blade.

And yet, I feel numb. Numb and in pain. Frell. I'm insane. You've finally driven me crazy.

How could you do this to me, John? Look at me, I can barely stand from exhaustion, and the frelling tears won't stop. If I think of the good times, I only miss you more… if I think of the bad times, I curse myself for what we could have had. We'd have had so much longer, if only I'd realised.

How could I have let you go? Not on the mission, I know you were the only one who could have flown that thing… but I could have forced you to get help on Talyn…

Everything and nothing is in pain… is this what it was like for you? When I died? I came back… Zhaan made me come back, for you… why can't you come back for me?

The whole of Talyn suddenly seems so cold without you. Or maybe it's me who feels cold. I can't tell any more… I miss your arms… around me for no reason… keeping me warm. I'll never be warm again…

I miss the way you always worried about me. Crais is worried right now, but not like you, not with the same look in his eyes. Frell, I miss your eyes… you stupid, deficient eyes, and the way the always expressed exactly what you were thinking.

I keep finding myself wondering when you'll come in here, hold me, and demand I tell you what's wrong, and I've formed the mental image before reality hits. You can't, and never will. Ever again.

I miss the 'I love you's, especially the unspoken ones. If I could move, I'd go back into the room and shake you, and scream "I love you, John? Isn't that enough of a reason to live?" But I can't move, not a single muscle; crying seems to be spasmodic. I'd never noticed that before. And screaming… screaming is out of the question, I haven't even spoken in days, and probably can't. Could I ever speak? Do I even have the ability?

I feel like I'm falling from a great height, and the ground isn't visible. I'm falling, so fast, and I can't reach out or soften my landing… I've already fallen, hard, so in love with you it's agony, and with every microt that passes, the more I remember about the early years, the further I frelling fall.

If I learn to carry on without you, the landing won't be so bad… but there is no 'without you', not any more. I wonder, if I fall for long enough… will I learn to fly?

I dreamt we flew together once, over a place that was all hills and clouds. I can't fly alone…

I need you back, if only for an arn. Just to say so many things I needed to say too long ago. Too many things, too many apologies. I need you to kiss me and tell me it'll all be fine, so at least I'll believe it.

I need you to catch me before I hit the ground…


Whoa… trippy… I apologise again for doing this. This should be the last one, but I'm not promising anything. Still, not bad for an hour's work in the dark, you've got to admit. (And this is what happens when the BBC cancel "Farscape" to show the snooker. We find our copies of IP:IA and we make ourselves cry again. Bad BBC!) Anyway, you know the drill! Please review!