Title: What is Death?
Author: DnKS – giRLs
Disclaimers: The characters involved in this story do not belong to us and we hold no claim over them.
Warning: Um… it's somewhat… surreal… maybe… but not really…
What is death?
Lelouch vi Britannia, aged six, had his concept of death. Death was a very long sleep, like what his mother had told him. To die meant to sleep for a very long time until the Final Judgment Day should happen. And then an Angel would come and God would raise him from the dead. That was, his mother told him with a smile, what would happen if he kept his faith in God and be a good darling boy.
That time he laughed and promised her readily that he would surely keep his faith and be his mother's good darling boy forever. He was six. Death for him was merely a very long sleep.
But still, what is death?
Lelouch vi Britannia, aged nine, saw death for the first time as it robbed him of his mother. He saw how the cold grip of death took his mother from him, leaving none but sadness and a cold lifeless body with blood pooling around it. He saw death left his sister so traumatized (or so the doctors said) until she was unable to open her eyes again.
That time he forsook God. That time he renounced his promise to be a good darling boy for his mother. His mother had died. It turned out that death was not merely a very long sleep after all. No, death meant to leave and never to come back again.
But does death really mean that?
Lelouch vi Britannia, aged ten, stood firm on his spot as he saw smokes from the ruined buildings around him. War had raged and Japan had fallen. To Britannia, the cursed Holy Empire of Britannia. He clenched his teeth as he looked at the boy on his side, the once smiling boy who now bore such sad expression on his face at seeing his motherland destroyed before his eyes.
There was death all around them. They were merely two boys amidst the cruelty of the world that was too big for them. But when he looked into Suzaku's eyes (his Suzaku, it was his Suzaku) he knew that he had seen death there. Even though Suzaku was still there, even though Suzaku did not leave, even though Suzaku was still holding his hand, but he knew the boy was dying inside.
He was ten. Death was, he thought in his mind, the loss of hope.
Surely, then, is it the meaning of death?
Lelouch Lamperouge, age seventeen, found himself leading a very generic life. He was somewhat a model student, he had a little sister whom he loved so much, and he never found himself caught in any big trouble. But his life felt so empty because his life was never entirely his. That was what he thought until one fateful day when his life took a major turn. There was a chess game that led him to his accidentally entrapment with a supposedly poison gas capsule that belonged to the terrorist. He was confused. He was afraid.
And then he saw Suzaku.
He smiled. He was relieved. He was happy. Because for the first time in his recent seven years of life, Suzaku, his Suzaku was there.
Suzaku, his Suzaku was then shot in front of him to protect him.
If he told the whole world his reason why he took the geass, why he decided to lead a revolt against the Empire of Britannia, why he assumed his role as Zero was partially because he saw his dearest (his dearest) Suzaku shot to death (or so he believed) in front of him, would they believe him?
Maybe, but still, how could it explain what is death?
Death was, as Lelouch Lamperouge came to realize that time, to have your most precious taken from you. And…
Zero took his mask and placed it firmly upon his face. With sure fingers he pulled the trigger of a gun that would kill his enemy (his brother) His Royal Highness Prince Clovis la Britannia. Zero, observing the result of his deed, thought that it was surely death for Lelouch as well as death for Clovis.
Zero, Lelouch Lamperouge, and Lelouch vi Britannia, all thought of one thing that night. Death was, he (they) decided, to leave whatever thing one considered precious completely.
So he, that night, decided to leave his past.
Is it his death, then?
But the past refused to leave him completely. Zero found the past following his every step. The past took a shape of a brave young man with fierce emerald eyes and unruly chestnut hair. Lancelot, (his) Suzaku, (his) supposedly dead Suzaku who turned out not to be dead after all, followed him everywhere, thwarting his every plan, until one fateful encounter found them pointing their guns at each other.
Lelouch closed his eyes. He just could not pull the trigger. He just could not do that to (his) Suzaku whom he still loved even after this long, whom he still cherished, whom he still hold dear in his heart. He just could not.
The one and only sound of gunshot ever fired that time was not his own. But the blood was his. But the pain was his. But the feeling of betrayal as (his) Suzaku dragged him to the throne of The Emperor was his.
Looking up into those determined eyes, he knew that it was foolish to think that leaving his past was something so easy to accomplish. He knew it was foolish to think he was untouchable simply because he thought he had embraced death (because he had left his past) when actually, death refused to take him in (his Suzaku refused to give up).
He gave a bitter chuckle as he, again, rectified his description of death. Death was, he thought as he looked into those emerald eyes (that he loved so much), simply betrayal from the person he thought closest to him.
Ah, so death is betrayal?
Lelouch Lamperouge, aged eighteen, finally took his mask as Zero after a year of false life that he had led came to an end with the coming of his witch as she showed up before him again. He led the rebellion, he tried to destroy Britannia, he tried to save his dear little sister, he tried to set things right.
And death, his loyal servant, tailed along him all the way. Death took the girl who had claimed to love him and forgive him for all his sins. Death took the boy who had claimed to be his little brother, his dear loyal little brother who had never heard the words of love sincerely came from his lips. Death took his little sister, his Nunnally, oh, his dear Nunnally, his sole anchor to the world.
At that point, he was far too fed up with death that he did not even try to put any new definition to it anymore. He was numb. He had lost his reason to live the moment that big explosion colored the Japan sky. So he sought for death. Confronting The Emperor, confronting the God, he sought for death, his death.
Instead of death, he found the ready arms of his Suzaku. Yes, he could call him as 'his' again now. He knew Suzaku did not forgive him for all he had done. He knew they would never be the same again toward each other. He knew what happened between them had become so complicated that nothing could make up for it.
But Suzaku was once again his Suzaku. And for a moment, he allowed a smile on his lips that meant nothing but a smile. For a moment, he thought not of death.
But the question is still unanswered; what is death?
For a moment, he thought not of death because he had already found out his exact description on death.
Ah, finally, so what is death?
Death was Suzaku.
Lelouch vi Britannia, now that he had shed his guise as Zero, now that he had shed his fake identity as Lelouch Lamperouge, found death as he locked his lips with Suzaku's. He found it when they played their game of love amidst the bed sheets. He found it when he looked into Suzaku's eyes, when he smiled at him, when he laughed with him, when he talked, spoke, did everything with him.
He found death in Suzaku the moment he thrust his mask and sword upon the other's hands and ordered him in a steady voice to kill him.
He found death in Suzaku as his Suzaku nodded solemnly even though there were tears in his eyes. They both knew it was needed. They both knew it was the perfect ending for the whole things they had done. They both knew it was what it should have been.
Lelouch felt pain as the sword pierced his chest. But he also felt love as he stared at the figure of Suzaku looming above him. He saw (imagined) Suzaku looking at him tenderly. He felt (assumed) Suzaku lowered his body to his chest ever so gently. He knew (oh, yes, he knew) that his Suzaku loved him.
He felt like crying even as he knew that he would find his death in Suzaku.
Therefore, death is Suzaku?
Though rather than saying that death was Suzaku, he knew it was more appropriate to say that Suzaku was his death. In Suzaku's hands he entrusted his hope, his trust, his past, his future, his life. And Suzaku, along the years, had crushed his hope, betrayed his trust, ruined his planned future, brought his unwanted past, even took his life from him.
But in Suzaku's hands he also entrusted his love. And that (that alone) was enough. So, even as he fought the darkness that threatened to take him, he could still look at Suzaku with so much love in his eyes. He loved his Suzaku, that would never change. And therefore, Suzaku was his death. But surely, he thought before he took his final breath, he would never have it any other way.
Closing his eyes, he surrendered to his death.
(Closing his eyes, he surrendered into the warm embrace of Suzaku's arms).
What is death?
Death is this.
- end -
(A/N: thank you for sparing some of your time to read this story. Could we also ask you, then, dear readers, to leave us your reviews on this story? We hope you had a good read, like how we also had a good time writing this.)