You're getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder, getting sadder
And I don't understand, and I don't understand
But if I kiss you where it's sore
If I kiss you where it's sore
Will you feel better, better, better
Will you feel anything at all
--Regina Spektor, Better
"She knew, Edward," I whispered when he enclosed me in his arms after I'd gotten off the plane. "She knew everything."
My husband looked at me with a very puzzled expression on his face. I smiled at the way his forehead creased in concentration as he tried to decipher the meaning behind the words.
I rose on tiptoe and reached for his ear. My lips gently grazed his earlobe when I whispered, "About me becoming a vampire, love."
Edward drew in a sharp breath and turned to look at me. He scrutinized my expression for a few moments, but seemed to find nothing alarming there for a small smile soon lit up his glum face.
"Is that good or bad?" he asked, confused again as to how he should react.
I laughed out loud and reached for his hand. I purposely kept quiet for a few minutes when we walked out of the busy airport, knowing that every second would make him more and more incensed. I loved these little "silent games" of ours – Edward's exasperated expression was so strangely pleasing to me. Maybe it just served to satisfy my smugness, or then it was simply the excuse it gave me to tease Edward with my hidden thoughts. Either way, I wasn't sure if he enjoyed it as much as me.
Sure enough, by the time we reached the parking lot Edward was glowering. He repeated his question when we climbed into the waiting car.
I waited for the engine to start purring before I gave him the answer.
"It was bad when she was still alive. Good now that she's dead."
Edward raised his eyebrows. I laughed at his expression.
"The problem has been disposed of in the most natural way."
Ducking out of the busy parking lot, Edward considered my response. He clearly couldn't comprehend my sudden mood swing. Well, I couldn't blame him – I could barely understand it myself. The relentless ache in my chest was nothing but an itch now.
"You're incredible," he finally huffed. "And here I am, worried to death about you being miserable! You could have called me, you know. You would have spared me a lot of unrest by telling me you were doing this well."
I laid my hand on his and squeezed it, suddenly feeling horrible for toying with his feelings.
"All the while I thought you were lying in your hotel room, feeling most dejected and forlorn, and felt dreadfully guilty for not being there with you. I really felt wretched, Bella. I thought I was neglecting my duties as a husband."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, truly forlorn now. "I didn't mean to worry you. I just had a lot on my mind."
Edward focused his eyes on me. I saw the worry still etched deep in his features, and reached out with my hand to caress his cheek.
"Are you really all right, Bella, or are you only pretending for me?"
I leaned over to kiss him on his nose and smiled when he puckered it as soon as my lips came in contact with is skin.
"You're cute when you're concerned for me."
Edward frowned, and his annoyed expression made me laugh yet again.
"I am really, truly fine, silly!"
He signed, but seemed to accept my response. He turned his eyes back to the road.
"Just tell me one thing," he asked after a few minutes, and I turned to look at him in surprise.
"Why are you suddenly so… so… calm?"
I thought about the question for a few seconds. How could I explain it without sounding all too daft?
I finally settled for short and mysterious.
"It's a mother thing. You wouldn't understand."
And as expected, Edward didn't understand. He just shook his head and let the query drop, realizing that I wasn't in the mood for questionnaires. I laughed again as I stroked his cheek, contemplating on whether I would ever bring myself to explain the absurdities of parenthood from a mother's perspective. Would anyone understand? I wasn't too sure.
But there was only one person who mattered.
Renée had understood, and for that I was eternally grateful.