Pairing: BL, LP.
Summary: "He blinks, because it's somehow wrong." Lucas' POV on LP wedding. With BL undertones, obviously.
Disclaimer: I'm not paid to do this, I don't own the characters.
Notes: I'm sorry for the lack of updates. That's a product of shopping for my seventh bridesmaid dress. At this rate, I'm gonna become the Katherine Heigl movie pretty soon. I've seen people use lyrics like that, entwined in the story, this isn't a song, but then this is perfect in itself.
He blinks, because it's somehow wrong. The church is perfect, and the seating is right, everybody's there, Nathan by his side and Brooke's walking down the isle to take her Maid of Honor place and it's not right. She looks beautiful, green silk flowing around her and hair in an intricate up-do, and yet something is wrong. Lucas blinks again, and it hits him. Brooke should be wearing red.
we are gathered here
In fact, she shouldn't be at the ceremony at all. Most people, including his very-soon-to-be-wife, don't actually take notice, but her nostrils tremble and the skin over her cheekbones is tight and her eyes shine in that special way that's testimony to her suffering through the moment. And Lucas stayed away from her suffering for a while now, because he can't save Brooke while he's with Peyton. He could save Peyton when he was with Brooke, easily. And it's not because the brunette wasn't jealous or hurt or insecure – hell yes she was, more so then Peyton ever will be, -
in the sight of God
but because Brooke filled his heart so completely he saw no danger in being friends with other girls, even Peyton. And Lucas swore to himself to not be a cheat – ever, ever again – and he's not sure he could know for certain Brooke has been assaulted, bruised and battered, hear it from her lips and not love it out of her body. He can't be her friend now that he's about to get married, about to become a father – or, most likely, ever again. But he can tell that she hurts.
to join this man and this woman
Yet even as Brooke's walking down the isle he's not tempted to imagine he were about to be wedded to her. He wouldn't dare to fantasize about it, wouldn't bear to come down from such high. He's gonna be more happy with Peyton and their baby then he deserves, and he knows it. Some days would be tough, some blissful. Yet, Lucas will never be happy and he knows it too. He's cursed with loving two women and having both of them love him. He hates Julian Baker, because Brooke contemplates letting go of loving Lucas to love him. He can't blame her, really, yet he can't help it, even on his wedding day to Peyton. He wants Brooke to love him completely, forever.
in holy matrimony.
So he's betrayed Brooke, more then once. He's promised once to never, ever let her go. Yet he had. He's never been able to save her when he had to. And what he gets for this is a family. A happy family, with a wife and a child and a lot of love. He's not making a commitment out of obligation. He loves Peyton and the baby more then life itself. And even this is not an absolution for Lucas. The happiness he would have with them is no comfort for the loss of the happiness he could have had with Brooke, and definitely not for the unhappiness Brooke's holding on to. He will lay awake for hours every night worrying about Brooke, wondering if she's OK, if she's having sex, if she's sleeping, if she's choked and died and nobody was there to help her. Yet he knows he'll never dare to even pick up the phone.
If there's anybody here that knows a reason why
It's pointless wishful thinking, yet even as he stands at the altar, he's plotting out ways to make Brooke stay in his life – even in a shallow, insubstantial way. He wants to promise her his child, the way Haley has given her Jamie, even though it's not nearly enough. Yet part of Lucas knows this is the end, and this part of him is laying to rest, is about to die. Because losing Brooke, he knows, is losing that part of himself.
these two should not be joined
She's letting out a sigh, so quiet he's not sure anybody else hears it except himself and Haley, and possibly Nathan. Lucas' heart breaks and he knows at this moment, so clearly it slices through him, that he'd never be the same. And he'll make Peyton happy, and he'll be the most loving dad in the history of fatherhood, yet Lucas will never, for a moment, be complete without Brooke Davis.
He admits, however, he wouldn't have been complete without Peyton and their child either. It's in vain, though, because he's made his choice, and it's in favor of the blonde. He can't rationalize why Peyton, except that Brooke has enough grace to step aside quietly, and Peyton, despite what she claims, has a certain flair for dramatics and not much of an ability to forgive. So this is the quiet way to make one girl happy.
let him speak now
There's a brief second at the altar, a silent one because Peyton's cue isn't playing yet and it hovers over his head, sliding, swirling, slipping away, a moment where unimaginable is still possible, where he's sustained in chances, where the amber is still liquid. And his eyes flicker to Brooke, quiet, wistful, and there's this hollow inside of him, where something's been taken away from him, a possibility. A chance, no matter how remote, or painful, or even unthought-of, and for this second, he can't breath around it, can't survive the loss of what-ifs and might-haves and maybes. And it fades. And Lucas dissolves.
or forever hold
And the moment passes. And Peyton enters the room. He prays he'll never lose his resolve. He prays that whoever gains Brooke's love, it won't be the same for her, just like it's never quite the same for him. He hopes Julian will move back to LA and Brooke will stay here. And throughout the ceremony, he feels solid. His love for Brooke is now something suspended in that amber, precious and real and intact but forever apart. Untouchable. He'll carry it with him always.
It'll never quite be over.