I was sitting in the living room with Emmett, staring out the large front window as I watched my sister and my niece play. I tried so hard to just be happy for Bella, for Edward, and for the entire family. We all adored Renesmee far too much.
But I just couldn't do it.
Isabella Cullen got everything she ever wanted, and I just really couldn't bring myself to not be jealous of that. She had the perfect mate, who she loved more then the world. He would do absolutely anything for her. She had the immortality she fought so hard for. Her best friend was still in her life, and she had a daughter for all eternity.
Everything I had ever wanted was stolen from me. I knew it wasn't her fault, but I just couldn't get over that.
I. Just. Couldn't.
I had the singularly best thing in the entire world. I had Emmett. But a loving, devoted, husband had never been part of my plans. I would have lived with Royce's violence if it meant that I could have the family that I had always wanted.
Not brothers and sisters.
I had only ever wanted children.
Of course, Emmett had offered. Once we found out that we would never have children, he told me several plans of how he could make me a baby, of how he would let me have what I wanted, let me be happy with him and our little one.
He said our little one, but that wouldn't be it at all.
It would just be his.
I don't have an honest problem with him having sex with a human woman to create a baby for us. I would get over it because, just like he said, I would be happier than ever before in this god-forsaken life of forever-ness.
But that would never be right. Not only would he have to kill a human for it, the baby would never be mine. I would never feel it growing inside of me. I would never be able to say that I created it, supported it, that I brought it into this world. That's why I told him no, because it just wasn't right.
A very sinister growl erupted out of Emmett and I glanced at him, my scowl disappearing as curiosity replaced it. He looked fucking pissed. "What's wrong with you?" I asked.
I nearly jumped when he snarled at me. "You don't have any idea, do you? Of course you don't. You're too busy wallowing in self pity and spite to notice anything at all." His head snapped to the window and I frowned. What the hell was his problem? He called me spiteful! I don't wallow in self-pity, damn it!
Frowning, I walked across the room and slowly folded myself onto the arm of the couch. I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head affectionately onto his huge shoulder. I tried extremely hard to not let my offence for his comments into my voice. "What's all of this about, Emmett?" It was completely unprovoked, that's for sure! I don't even have a clue why!
His low growl sent a shiver through me. "Get off of me, Rosalie."
Get off of me, Rosalie…
That hurt. Honestly. I could swear he just bit me.
I quickly let go of him and let my arms drop. Emmett shook his head and spat, "Just forget it. Go back to watching Nessie and wishing that you were never changed; that you and that monster Royce had a family together. I know it's the only thing you really want."
Is that what he thinks I want? He thinks that the only thing I want is to be back in 1933? To be married to a monster that would probably hurt me the same way Esme had been hurt by Charles? To return to a life of mock-happiness and pain? If that had happened, I would have never found him!
Emmett swiftly stood up and tried to leave. I didn't want him to go. I wanted to talk to him! I grabbed his arm, trying to make him stay. "Hey, wait!" Where was he going, anyway?
Emmett whirled around and grabbed my elbow, yanking me away from him and shoving me back in the same thrust. I lost my balance and fell into the wall. I heard it crack and I held my breath instantly, staring at him with huge eyes. Did he just throw me into a wall?
His hateful black eye s showed no remorse as his annoyed snarl split into the silent air. "I said to get off of me, Rosalie."
My mind was numb with shock and confusion as he started to leave. What just happened? What did I do to set him off? I had done a hell of a lot of things that could have made him loose his temper in the decades we had spend together, but today I didn't even do anything! And he was leaving me!
I hurried to the door, panic and worry making me sound as upset as I really felt. "Emmett, wait! Come back and talk to me!"
I watched his large body hesitate, just for a fraction of a second. But he didn't return, rather he started to run. I literally lost all of my energy and sank onto the ground, leaning against the opened door. Heartbreak and misery washed over me instantly. I heard a set of heavy, brisk footsteps followed by gentler and more fluid ones.
Jasper and Alice.
"Rose, what happened?" Alice asked me warily.
My lower lip quiver and I wailed. "I don't know!" A pair of strong arms wrapped around me and lifted me to my feet. I felt like a hollow shell as Jasper led me over to the couch, sitting down with me. He didn't attempt to take my pain away, but I didn't mind. I actually wanted it. Whatever I had done was bad enough to drive my Emmett away from me.
I deserved to hurt.
Bella poked her head through the front door, her eyes wide and anxious. Renesmee was clinging to her hand. Jasper looked at me softly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I growled and tried to shove him away. "No! Just leave me alone, damn it." I didn't need them hovering around me like rain clouds. Jasper placed his hand on my shoulder and I started to slip into a relaxed peace. He opened his mouth to speak, but I snapped at his wrist. I had never seen him yank his arm away from something faster.
I growled, "Knock it off, Jasper. I said no."
Renesmee timidly walked over to me, pressing her soft little hand against my cheek. I saw her watching as Emmett passed her and Bella, absolute fury in his dark eyes. I saw him tear into the forest as he ran away from me. I heard her confusion and her sorrow. Then the images ended.
I lowered my eyes. "I don't know where he went, honey."
"He's about to enter La Push. I saw First Beach," Alice informed us.
Just wonderful! He was running straight into danger because of something I did and I don't even know what it was!
Jasper instantly volunteered himself to retrieve Emmett. "I'll go and get him. Rose, are you coming too?"
Emmett clearly didn't want me near him. I choked. "No, I'm going into the mountains to think for a while." I slipped out the back door and sprang away into the craggily mountains near the house. My feet followed the familiar path up a cliff, over a ravine, and down a little slope until I had slipped into a shallow cave.
We were pursuing a mountain goat one day shortly after we moved here and he spotted it. I could easily recall the childlike excitement he held upon finding it. He gave up the hunt and made me come and check it out with him. I had teased him about being too scared of doing it himself. He put up with me, he always did. And I never give anything back.
That's when it suddenly hit me. That's why he was upset.
I sank onto a flat, chair-like stone and watched the sky slowly grow darker as twilight crept nearer. I was a horrible wife!
I heard his footsteps, a sound I had grown so accustomed to this almost-century, making their way over to our cave. Of course he knew where I was. He knew everything. I curled my knees against my chest and hugged them as I waited for him to come and yell at me, to tell me off. I deserved it.
Really, I did.
He met my eyes and silently came beside me, hugging me against his chest. I broke down. "Emmett, I'm really sorry, for everything. I know that I am more than irritating when I am in… those dark places. But it isn't fair for me to drag you down too. I just can't help it."
He pressed his nose to my forehead and kissed it gently. I collapsed against him, fitting perfectly into his arms as if they were made for me. I felt my body began to convulse and shiver as I pressed my face against his chest and began to sob. I wished I could still cry. If he could see how hard I would be crying right now, maybe he would believe me. Maybe I could make him understand how sorry I was.
His arms tightened protectively around me. "Don't Rose, please don't. Calm down baby, just relax and lets talk." His gentle voice startled me.
He wasn't mad?
I forced myself to suck air into my lungs, and soon I quieted down. I lay limp in his arms as he continued to speak. "I'm sorry, too, about earlier. I should have never done that to you. I can't believe I did. I wasn't thinking. I couldn't at the time, I was too angry."
He was sorry that he hurt me. I would forgive him, always. No matter what. I lifted my head and kissed his neck. "It's okay, Emmett."
His head sadly turned from side to side, his words sounding absolutely miserable. "No it isn't. It's not okay. How could you say that?"
Because it was true! He had asked me to go away, and I didn't. I was pretty much asking for it. I sat up and looked into his eyes. "Because, It is okay. We don't have to think about earlier. We don't have to talk about it."
He frowned dejectedly. "But what about later? What if it happens again? Every single day I can see how much you want a family mor-"
I didn't want to hear him finish that sentence.
It would break me in half.
So I didn't let him.
I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, shutting him up. When we pulled apart I intensely promised, "No, Emmett, you're wrong. Don't even think that I could ever want a baby more then I want you. You are my entire life, teddy, and you always will be."
I can't have the life I always wanted.
He smiled slightly. "I love you, Rosalie, more than anything."
I know that I will never be able to have it.
I curled closer into his lap and pressed my lips against his gently. We engaged in one of the most passionate and desperate kisses I can ever remember. I gently pulled away from him, lifting my hand and stroking his soft cheek.
No, I will never be able to have what I used to want.
But I don't need any of that.
I need just one thing. Just Emmett.
I need his arms around me, his lips on my lips, his body on top of mine and claiming me as his own in the most intimate way to express love. I need him to love me, simple and easy. If he ever left me, I would shatter. If I had never been turned, I would have never found him. I would have never known what it was to truly live if I had never died.
"And I love you, Emmett. More than you could possibly realize."