Summary: After the revelation on the Leviathan, Carth isn't sure what it is he should do. CarthxLSFRevan
Disclaimer: I do not own KOTOR. That would be fantastic, though, right? Owning Carth... -Cough.-
That's what it was, this feeling he had crushing every part of him.
Like being lost in a sandstorm on Tatooine, the harsh grit blinding him, choking him. He was stumbling in acute blindness, fumbling around for something to hold on to.
Of course, he wasn't really on Tatooine... Though Carth Onasi wished to be lost there than inside of his own mind... And heart. Quiet and sullen, the battle that had taken place—the revelations that were brought forth—had left Carth reeling in a way he hadn't expected. This was exactly why he wanted to cut himself off from trusting people again...
It wouldn't work anymore for him, cutting himself off, putting up walls to hide behind.
He slipped away from the group, quiet and unnoticed. Sitting in the pilot seat of the Ebon Hawk, he took the time to breathe out a loud and painful sigh.
When he had first seen her, he knew she would be trouble. All of her probing questions, and those big eyes staring back up at him as she told him that he shouldn't blame himself, that he should let her in and trust, that he shouldn't be calling her "beautiful" unless he wanted her fist in his mouth... He should have really recognized it for it was beginning to be.
Carth was a broken man, holding on to old hates and thoughts of revenge for what the Sith had done to him. He absolutely wanted to hate her. He wanted to hold his blaster to her pretty head, wanted to see the realization that her life would be ended before she could even react. He wanted to be the one to kill her.
Or... Did he really?
He wanted to think about what he learned. She is Revan. Revan took everything. Revan started this. She is Revan.
Instead, he remembered the times she had his back in battle and that quirky smile she would send his way as she cut an enemy down in front of his eyes. He remembered their long talks as they hunkered down in some dirty place, or in some sparse room as they were forced to wait before taking action. He remembered the silence that rose between them when she would sit in the seat next to his in the cockpit; a comfortable silence shared between companions who were beginning to understand one another's nature.
And he did understand the nature of the woman he had grown to trust and be himself with. She was kind, strong, fair, understanding, and above all, she was the most logical, most irritating, most...
He rested his face in his hands, tired, lost, confused, hurt. He wanted to hate her, to hate her name, to hate what she was...
But that was just it.
She was not just Revan anymore. She couldn't be defined just by her name.
Carth Onasi could not hate Revan.
He could not hate Revan... Because it was the woman beneath her name, her mask, her Jedi training, that he was in love with. Everything else about her just came as a packaged deal, one he knew he had to accept.