See: Existence, Bane of Your
A/N: So, the other day, I was on facebook (which doesn't happen a lot) and I was looking at all the flair I'd been sent. And it seemed like there were two camps sending me flair, the Buffy lovers, who were sending anti-twilight flair, and the people who know I love vamps in all forms, who were sending pro-twilight flair. So after sifting through massive amounts of flair featuring Robert and Kristen and David and Sarah Michelle, I found one that was just a green background with two stakes outlined and crossed, and the words "Then Buffy Staked Edward. The End." And of course, I laughed. And of course, a plot bunny chose that moment to bite. So of course, this is what happened. Pro-Twilighters be warned, this is probably not going to turn out well for you.
That being said, this is a little crack!ficcy for me. Even as I was writing I was going "What the hell? Where is this coming from?" And it's written from Angel's POV, which was weird, but worked, but was really weird, in ways that both make me happy and make me scratch my head in confusion. But still. In all, it works for me. I like. I laugh. I post.
And so, with those few, humble words from our author, we watch proudly as she crosses the threshold into Twilight Bashing . . .
It was an epic battle, one between vampire and human girl, one that shouldn't have lasted nearly as long as it had. The vampire--a seventeen year old with striking butterscotch hair--was shocked at how easily the girl danced around him, missing his crushing blows with ease. It was as if he'd never seen a Slayer before, Angel mused, watching from the shadows.
Although anyone who watched the two fight would have to admit that even for never having met a Slayer before, this vampire was definetly an excellent fighter. Angel smiled to himself, wondering how long this one would last before Buffy managed to slam the stake end of the chair leg she was bashing the other vamp over the head with into the guy's heart. Ten minutes, at the outside, he bet himself. Prize was a kiss. Now Angel was grinning.
Buffy delivered a perfect roundhouse kick to the vampire's jaw, and Angel could hear the snap as the bone broke. The grin grew a little wider. The vampire looked truly shocked, stopping his defense of his body and even coming out of the crouch that had been the only thing protecting his heart from Buffy's stake.
"Y-you broke my jaw," he said, wincing in pain.
Buffy shrugged. "No big deal. You'll dust in another five seconds anyway."
The vampire stared around him at the other piles of dust that had been his coven. "Dust?" he asked.
"Yeah. You know. The thing vamps do when you shove a stake into their hearts?"
"Who are you?" the vampire asked, mystified.
"Buffy. Slayer, the. See: Existence, bane of your. And you?"
"Edward," the vampire said. "Edward Cullen." He looked like he was finally letting his guard down.
Buffy shrugged again, then twirled around and slammed the stake into Edward Cullen's chest. "Nice to meet you, Edward Cullen," she said, pulling the stake back out and grinning as he turned to dust, stunned look still pasted across his stunningly beautiful face. "Too bad we can't be friends."
Buffy turned to Angel, effervescent with her happiness at another successful staking. "Yes! What was the time on that one?"
"Damn," Angel sighed, checking his watch. "I lost."
Buffy gave a confused laugh. "What?"
"I was betting on ten minutes from the jaw breaking. You nailed him in three."
"What was the bet for?" Buffy asked coyly.
"Ah. Well, now you'll just have to give me one instead."
Angel shrugged. It was logical. He leaned down and obliged.