I own nothing Twilight.
This story takes a few chapters of getting everything set up and then it gets more exciting, so keep reading even if the first chapter isn't super exciting for you. It gets good I promise! I hope you enjoy. Please comment!
Every mile, a memory; every song, another scene,
From some old movie going back in time you and me.
Every day, a page turned down; every night, a lonesome sound,
Like a freight train rollin' through my dreams:
Every mile, a memory.
The road isn't so bad.
All who wander are not lost—well then why the hell are they wandering? If you're not lost, then you would be found, and if you're found what reason have you to wander? If I weren't lost, I would be at home—but I am lost. I've lost everything I know, and I wander because I don't know where else to go. The comfort of home, family, arms of a loving wife, well those are just amenities—luxuries that are reserved for the worthy, the deserving. And I am neither of those things. I am not worthy of the half-alive life I lead—let alone the comforts that fell in my lap undeserved.
Swerving onto the highway, I pressed my bike faster. I missed the adrenaline rush, or even blood circulating in my body. I hadn't fed for days... well probably longer.
I've always believed in justice. Justice is something a man has to believe in to keep pushing through the endless days. Justice—the evening of the scales, the villain receiving his punishment, the good receiving their reward. I can see justice now, the blindfolded woman, stone-like, holding her golden scales and tipping them accordingly. Accordingly they tipped against me. I got my punishment.
When you stack a lifetime of unforgivable sin on those scales sooner or later, it will catch up with you—no matter how long you pretend you can be worthy of mercy and grace.
No, I wasn't kicked out. No one asked me to leave, but I just couldn't bear the look in Alice's eyes. The pity, the refusal to lay blame where blame was due. I'd known all along I didn't deserve her blind love—for all that she sees, she is equally blind. She was never willing to see me for the monster, the horrific beast that I truly am. But Alice, she wasn't the worst of it.
Carlisle, his take-on-the-world-and-win attitude was waning. Surely his forgiving nature would run out. He couldn't still see the redemption in me after all of this. He'd always seen me as the possibility, the hope for those who had lived in murder and blood lust. I watched that hope leave his eyes. I'd never thought he looked a day over his 26 years but I coulda sworn there were new lines around his eyes, parenthesis dragging at his mouth. And Esme, well she can't cry, but her eyes have been red since we had to leave, and she can barely speak to me. Emmett, he was easier, but his humor had faded. He wasn't as ready to laugh and see humor in the everyday. He didn't talk to me as much, but the usual slap on the back and grimace-like smile said it all:
"You sure screwed up,"
Rosalie, she was the most complicated—because she was happy. She had guessed all along I'd be the one to slip. She had used me as ammunition in her assault on Edward and Bella's relationship. I would look into everyone's eyes and see pity and masked accusation, but in Rosalie's, triumph. Triumph in my failure. But that wasn't the worst.
The worst was the absence. I couldn't look into Edward's eyes for days after it had happened for fear of seeing accusation there. He told me time and again he didn't blame me, that he forgave my misdeed, but the vacancy in his eyes, in his voice, that was the worst. For dead people, I'd say we're all pretty alive, but Edward—he was dying a slow death. And I had been the cause, like the infecting agent. I had infected him with the deadly disease slowly sucking the life out of him, keeping him from his beloved. And then he left; struck out on his own, unable to even look at us, well probably just me. His absence was my undoing.
So where a sin is committed a payment is due. Where there is an injustice—punishment is due. So I left. I hated to cause more pain for them, but I figured my presence was as much a pain as my departure. I hadn't known where to go, Alice had meant home for such a long time. She'd wanted to come with me, of course, but why should she suffer too? She should be with others like her, strong, and good. I am neither of those things. Alice is everything good, and I was her counterpart—the night to her day, the darkness to her light, the shadow to her sunshine.
So the road, it's not so bad. It's bringing me justice, penance. I wander because I am lost. Lost from love, and every other good thing. I didn't know for how long I wandered—going here and there, formulating plans I never had any intention of carrying out, it was just something to occupy my mind, to pass the long days and the longer nights. The temptation was the worst at night—that's when my skeletons creep from the closet. That's when my demons crawl up from hell to whisper my impending and past failures in my ears.
"You'll do it. Just one taste. No one will ever have to know. Just one."
So I made plans I never intended to keep, plans to go home to Houston, plans to meet up with Alice, plans to apologize to Edward, plans to apologize to Bella… apologize to Bella, or to bring her to Edward. If only I knew where he was.
The night was hot, and endless and reminded me of my childhood, sticky summer nights sitting out on the porch looking at the endless black sky, and having no clue what endless blackness really meant.
I saw neon lights on the fading horizon. I pulled in amidst the other bikes and old pickups. The bar was smoky, the lights dim, the music loud--loud enough to keep my mind from humming with guilt.
So we can't eat solid food, right? Well, we process liquids just fine.
"Got an i.d. kid?"
I quickly filtered through the different i.d.s in my possession and tossed one that would suffice on the counter. I didn't even know what name was on it. I go by so many different ones. Whitlock, Hale, Cullen…
I sat on a stool between two men. It was crowded. Their eyes instantly cut to me, and the women they'd been flirting with forgot their conversations. I ignored the stares. How could I even pretend to take credit for the overkill nature had endowed in the form of good looks to lure prey.
"Where are you from handsome?"
I could hardly look at the free hooker speaking to me. Her eyes raked me up and down hungrily. She inched closer. They usually get more brazen with alcohol, and easier to lure away…
"Well that's a complicated question," I looked into her hazy eyes, and she was instantly locked in. She couldn't have left even if she'd wanted, and for a moment, I thought about taking her, draining her life. And once those thoughts started I knew I had to make her leave. My bourbon arrived. I threw it back and ordered another effectively breaking the spell.
"So, you don't drink much do you?" she said, at my grimace as I swallowed the second drink.
She laid her hand on my cold arm and as I smiled back at her, letting my lips curl up over my pointed teeth in a way that was not entirely human. Her brow furrowed as it registered that I was dangerous, subhuman. She took in the black color of my eyes, suddenly seeing past the illusion with horror. Needless to say, that took care of her.
Another two drinks. Well, you know how they say not to drink on an empty stomach? Well, I hadn't eaten in more time than I should have ever gone. The liquor went to my head quick.
"Phone for you son, make it quick."
"Phone for me? Who the hell 'd be callin' me," The accent tends to thicken with bourbon.
"Jasper," I wasn't prepared for the voice on the other end, I don't know who I was expecting, but not his voice.
"I need you to come home," His voice was resigned.
"Oh yeah, and where's that? Home…" I scoffed.
"Have you been drinking son?" his voice was kind, and understanding but heavy and tired--so tired.
"So what if I have?"
"Can you be back here tomorrow?" he ignored my anger.
"What for Carlisle? I don' think I kin see all of 'em again," I could hear the defeat in my own voice.
"I need you. You're the only one I can trust with this. Come home."
"I'llbetheretomorrow." I said into the receiver, slurring all of my words together.
I hope you liked it. Next chapter very soon. Comments are always appreciated.