Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
I walked slowly to my car. I could hear the crunch of gravel beneath my feet. I could smell the scent of wet grass, mud and rain. I felt my heart beating with each step I took. And yet, I didn't feel anything. I didn't hear, or smell, or see. Nothing seemed to be real. It was like I was watching myself from above, watching my body as it moved through the motions, but not really feeling it. I opened the door of my car, and I felt the smooth silver metal without really feeling it. It was like wind—you know it's there, but you can't see it or touch it.
When the door was shut behind me, I stared back at the house I had called my home for so many years. It didn't seem like home now. The white walls seemed to taunt me, the wide opened picture windows screaming happiness. This house was not my home—not anymore. She was my home. Always. Without her, it was just an empty space.
I thought back to the note I had left on my desk. I wondered what my mother would do when she found it. My siblings? Would they cry? Or would they be expecting it? I prayed Esme would understand it wasn't her fault—she was a wonderful mother and did everything she was supposed to. She needed to know this wasn't really a choice. I hoped that Alice would understand, and that Emmett would stay strong for her, and Jasper would care for her. I hoped that Emmett would do the same if it had happened to Rosalie—he knew how true love felt. He had to understand.
Sighing, I backed my car out of the driveway of what used to be my home. I didn't bother turning on the radio. I just rolled down the window and let myself feel the wind whipping through my hair. It was a peaceful feeling, calming, exhilarating almost. I had never really allowed myself to feel the wind before. It had never seemed important. There would be years of wind, never dissipating. But as I felt the wind nipping at my skin, I realized I had never truly cherished it.
I watched the sights as they passed me. Houses I had visited, perhaps for a school project, or to see a friend. Shops and stores, the local high school. Everything was so familiar, but it felt like I was truly seeing it for the first time. Had the trees always been so green? And the clouds—had they always been so deep, so dark and menacing? Had anything really changed, or was I just noticing it for the first time.
I was at the parking lot of the beach sooner than I thought possible. I parked in the sand covered parking lot and climbed out. I left the doors unlocked. There were a few items in the car that had once been part of who I was—CDs, scattered along the floor, a tattered old sweatshirt and a lone photograph, stuck on the dash. I left the keys on the seat. I had no need for them now—hopefully someone would get good use out of it someday.
I walked slowly, my heart beating quickly. Every sound, sight and scent seemed magnified. I could hear clearly the slap of water against rock, smell the salt of the ocean and see each color of the sand beneath my feet. Everything was painfully clear. I walked onto the beach first, just wanting to stare for a moment. I had never appreciated the simplicity of the ocean—the vastness, the waves, the swirling tide pools.
I kicked my shoes off so I could feel the sand between my toes. It spread slowly between each toe as I sunk down slowly. It was slightly damp and hard packed, and I crouched down so I could stare at the white-topped water as it hugged the shore lazily. I closed my eyes and let myself remember the days we spent on this beach, in this spot. Loving, laughing, splashing. It was all so simple then, so easy and carefree.
Shoving a fist in my mouth, I tried in vain to choke back my sobs. I didn't want to cry, not yet. But how could I not? How could I let myself think of my angel, to feel her around me and not cry? I felt weak and I hated it. I just wanted to be with her. To hold her in my arms and kiss her hair and tell her how much I loved her, needed her. But it was too late for all of that now.
A seagull that landed a few feet away from me took flight when I stood, letting out a frustrated growl. I didn't bother putting my shoes back on as I began to stomp my way furiously up the hill that would lead to my death. To the cliffs, and the jagged rocks below. To the ocean that would swallow my breath and fill my lungs with salty water. I wanted this though. It was my happiness—the only way I could be with my angel.
Rocks were cutting into my feet as I walked, but I didn't feel them. Was I bleeding? I didn't know. I couldn't feel—not physical pain. The only pain I could feel was the pain of my shattered heart, the pain of her loss, and the pain of the intense, deep need I had for her. Time seemed to stop and I found myself atop the cliff, staring into the water below me.
I took a few steps closer to the edge, so my toes were hanging over, and I was balancing precariously on the edge. I smiled down at the water as if it were an old friend I had forgotten about, but was happy to see. I closed my eyes and allowed my senses to take control. The sound of the waves slamming against the rocks was stronger than ever. I could smell the ocean clearly, the slight salty, tanginess. I could feel the wind as it blew through my hair and over my skin, causing goose-bumps to rise. I smiled.
Edward. My heart clenched and my smile fell. My breathing came in erratic gasps. I didn't open my eyes. Was I dead? Did I already jump and had somehow found my way into heaven with my beautiful angel? Edward, please don't do this.
I decided I didn't care if I was dead, if this was real or imaginary, or just a hallucination my mind conjured up to give me a final moment of happiness, of content-ness. Because hearing her voice was almost enough to make up for the pain that coursed through my veins like venom.
Is that really you, angel? I thought, trying to see if my hallucination would go any further, or if that would be the last I heard of her.
Who else would it be? I nearly laughed aloud—she was the same as I remembered. Wise, sarcastic, but absolutely loving, beautiful, the most wonderful woman I had ever been blessed to meet. Why are you doing this Edward?
Because, I want to be with you, I told her, keeping my eyes shut tight, almost painfully so. I didn't want to lose this hallucination, or whatever it was. I wanted to be with her as long as possible.
You're with me now. Isn't that enough? she replied softly, gently, her tone filled with love and passion, and slightly pleading.
Can I touch you? Can I kiss you and hold you and love you? I already knew the answer—how can you hold a voice?—but I wanted her to say it. To prove my argument further.
Well…no, she said hesitantly. But I can tell you how much I love you. And how much I don't want you to do this.
I love you too, angel, I told her, disregarding the rest of her sentence.
Enough to take a step back? To go home and pretend like none of this ever happened? she asked in a whisper. Her voice was practically begging and I almost relented—almost.
I love you enough to do anything—which is why I'm doing this. I need to be with you. I can't live without you. I needed her to understand—she was my angel in every sense of the word. She had saved me, she had loved me and cared for me in a way no one else would, or could.
This won't make you happy Edward. Sure, we'll be together, but what about your family? Carlisle and Esme? They'll be crushed. And Alice—poor little Alice is already terrified from what happened to me, this will kill her. And Emmett may seem strong, but he's hurting more than you know. I was like his sister.
What about me? I thought selfishly. What about my pain? I love you more than any of them—I've suffered more than them. I need this angel, I can't stand to live in this pain, this life without you, it's not worth living in. I need you with every fiber of my being.
You know I need you too, that I love you too. But you can't do this. Your death will bring so much sadness, especially so close to my death, she pleaded, and her voice sounded like she was crying.
The sadness they feel for me won't be anything near what I feel for you. It's my fault this happened anyways. I should've been with you—I should've protected you. And I hated myself or not being there, for not saving her. I hated that she had to suffer because I didn't walk her home. It was entirely my fault.
It's not your fault, don't ever say that, Bella said fiercely, and I knew if I could see her she'd have fire in her chocolate eyes. It's not your fault those men were evil. It's not your fault they raped me, and killed me. I flinched at her words and shook my head.
Don't say that, don't say it, it's all my fault,, I'm so sorry, I sobbed, and I could feel tears falling down my cheeks. I didn't make a sound though—I was too afraid that if I made a noise, I would break this wonderful spell she had over me.
Edward it is not your fault, she said firmly. You couldn't have known. It was a block away, and you offered to walk with me. I didn't want you to. I thought I could protect myself.
But you couldn't. I should've insisted, I should've made sure you got home safely, I said, still loathing myself so completely that I wanted to kill myself a thousand times over, just so I could feel a fraction of the pain she felt.
Edward there were four of them. Four. Do you think you could've fought them off? No. You would've died along with me and I would've been raped either way. It was going to happen whether I was alone or with you. I tried not to let her convince me—it was my fault and I should feel guilt.
Maybe I couldn't have fought them off, but I could've tried. I could've helped and maybe you would've gotten away. Maybe you would've lived, I thought helplessly. I wouldn't even care if they killed me. At least my angel would still be here, still be living and breathing and happy.
I wouldn't run—I would try and save you and you know it. We would've both died. It was inevitable.
It wasn't! If I could've saved you, I would gladly give my life for yours. But there's no way of getting your life back and I'm going to lose mine too. So we can be equal—so we can be together. I was decided—my words had given me the confidence to lean over the edge, to take that last breath of air.
Don't Edward, don't! my angel yelled, but I just smiled and jumped, letting a million memories fly away in the wind.
My body hit the water and it was amazing. I didn't move my arms, or my legs, I just let my smile widen as I realized death was closer than ever. So close I could almost taste it, almost touch it. I was eager for death, and yet I wanted to suffer the way she had suffered. To feel her pain so I would truly know what I had done to her.
Swim, Edward, damn it, at least try and save yourself! Her voice was desperate and pleading.
I'll see you soon, I promised her. She yelled her protests as I took a deep breath and let the salt burn in my lungs. It was almost pleasurable—knowing I was getting a fraction of the pain she was, knowing that my body was in pain.
My life flashed before my eyes—my life with her.
And I finally, finally allowed myself to remember her fully. Her scent, her long, flowing brown hair and deep brown eyes, her translucent skin, her laugh, the way she sounded when she was upset or angry. I allowed every memory to flood through my body. I allowed myself to think of the name I had hidden away since the moment she left me.
I love you so damn much Bella Swan, I thought, and as I took another breath, my body trying to find the air it craved, I could feel the life slipping away from me. I could feel my heart beating slower, and my eyelids drooping and the pain of my heart finally, finally stopping. And I welcomed it.
"You're such an idiot, you know that right?" I opened my eyes and was greeted with the sight of my beautiful angel—my Bella.
"Bella," I whispered. It was the first time I had said her name since she died, since she was taken from me. It felt so good to say it again, to feel it easily roll off my tongue.
"Oh Edward, why did you do it? You didn't have to do it," she whispered, but her eyes were feasting on me as surely as mine were feasting on her. I took in every inch of her perfect face, her statuesque body, and I committed it all to memory. She seemed to be doing the same. She took a careful step towards me.
"I had to do it, angel. I had to be with you," I told her.
"It won't last long. This happiness, this reunion," she told me, and her voice was sad and happy.
"Happiness never lasts," I sighed, thinking of the way she had been ripped from me. But it didn't matter, for she was with me now, and I just wanted to hold her in my arms the way I used to. "But for now, can I just hold you, my love? I've missed the way you feel in my arms."
She sighed and shook her head, but walked towards me anyways. She wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed, burying her face in my chest. I pulled her even closer to me, wrapping my arms around her and digging my face into her hair, letting her strawberry and flower scent fill my senses. I pressed kisses to her hair and whispered her name, over and over, like a lifeline. I could feel her sobbing against my chest.
"I love you so much Edward," she choked, barely able to contain her sobs. "You're my everything, you know that? You were the last person I thought of before I died. My last thought was of how much I love you and how much I wanted you to live and be happy. Every thought was about you. I love you, I love you, I love you." Her voice held a goodbye, and I couldn't understand why.
"I love you too, angel. Always. You're the only girl that's ever touched my heart and the only girl who ever will," I promised her. She smiled wetly and weakly up at me, and moved her arms up to my shoulders, the way she did when she wanted me to kiss her. I lifted her up, wanting to feel her closer to me. She wrapped her legs around my waist and we were pressed completely together, fitting like two puzzle pieces, meant to be together.
"I'll always love you Edward. Even if you find someone else—I want you to be happy above everything else okay? Remember that," she whispered. Her face was so close to mine, her forehead resting gently against mine.
"It doesn't matter. I'm here for good. I'll always be with you," I told her, and my voice was slightly panicked. She gave a half smile, and just nodded weakly.
"Promise me that you'll always try to be happy," she commanded softly.
"I'll always be happy when I'm with you and I'm never leaving you again."
"Just promise me," she whispered hopelessly, tears falling steadily from her eyes.
"I promise," I said, wanting to make her happy, to erase her tears. I never wanted my angel to be sad. Never.
"Good. I love you so much Edward—with all of my heart. Never, ever forget that," she whispered, and her lips came closer to mine.
"I love you too, my Bella, my angel," I breathed. She smiled weakly before pressing her lips against mine and sobbing against my mouth. I pulled her closer and let her lips and her love surrounded me. It was a simple kiss, but with her lips moving against mine, and her warm breath, and every ounce of love we shared poured into it, it was a perfect kiss.
And then suddenly it was gone. She was gone. I wanted to yell her name, to scream as I panicked, wondering where my angel had gone. All I could hear was beeping, and I couldn't figure out what it was. Everything went dark, and I blinked rapidly, trying to regain my sight. My heart sped up in my chest, and my breathing quickened as I tried to scream out Bella's name, but I couldn't find my voice, I couldn't find words.
"Bella!" I shouted, and my eyes opened and all I could see was white.
"Shh, darling, it's okay," a warm, soothing voice said. A soft hand was placed on my forehead and I blinked, trying to take in the room around me. I could see a bed, some chairs, overly large windows. I realized the beeping was that of a machine. I briefly registered a searing pain in my throat and an IV in my hand before turning back to meet the warm brown eyes of my mother.
"Where am I?" I whispered hopelessly.
"The hospital. Do…you remember what you tried to do?" she asked, and I saw the pain in her eyes as she spoke of it. My—apparently unsuccessful—suicide.
"Yes," I said hoarsely.
"Oh Edward," she choked, and she began to sob. "I'm so sorry—I should've seen this coming, I should've helped you. I knew losing Bella was hurting you I just didn't understand how true your love was. I'm so sorry, so sorry." She shook with sobs and I felt guilt pour over me.
"I'm sorry Mom, really. It was stupid. I just—I didn't know what else to do," I explained, wishing I could take her pain away.
"Esme?" I recognized my father's voice and my eyes flashed to his. "Edward?" he gasped and I nodded. He walked over and wrapped his arm around his wife and took my hand in his.
"I'm sorry Dad," I whispered.
"It's okay son. You were going through a pain much worse than I can even imagine. I would probably have tried the same thing. But we're going to find you some help now. Someone to talk to. We don't want to lose you Edward," he said, and although my father was a typical businessman, busy and rarely able to spend time with his children, I could see the love and care he held for me in his blue eyes.
"Okay," I agreed instantly, knowing it wasn't really necessary. I wasn't planning on doing this again. Not after seeing the pain I had inflicted on my family.
"Edward." I glanced up again to see my sister Alice, Emmett towering behind her, both eyes wide and filled with tears. They ran over, to the opposite side of the bed as my parents.
"Don't ever fucking scare me like that again," Emmett growled, but I could see the pain behind his angry façade.
"Sorry, Em. I won't," I promised him. He just nodded and stared across the room, clearly trying to regain control.
"Oh Edward…I'm so sorry this happened to you," Alice whispered, and she just took my hand and kissed my forehead. "I love you."
"Love you too sis. All of you," I said tiredly. I was beginning to fall asleep, both physically and emotionally exhausted. I just wanted rest.
"It's a good thing we found Edward's note when we did," Esme began in a gentle tone, believing I was asleep. I could tell she was talking to Carlisle, to Emmett and Alice, trying to reassure them. "We were able to call the police and get a search out. A local saw him just before he…jumped…and ran to help. A few more minutes…and we would've lost him." I stared blankly at her for a moment, my eyelids barely open. I couldn't even see the expression on her face.
At the time I hadn't realized how long I had been standing, hesitating on that cliff, speaking with my angel. She had distracted me from the task at hand—delayed me. Was it possible that she…knew? That she was trying to save me? That she knew if she could just distract me long enough, I would be safe? Is that why she had made me promise to be happy? She had known all along that I wasn't really…dead.
She truly was my angel—my guardian angel.
My mind began to drift and I felt myself falling into a deep sleep. I heard a soft whisper before I was lost in dream land.
I love you Edward.
I love you too, angel.
A/N: Why do I always write about death late at night? Inspiration struck and I had to get this out there. I hope you enjoy. REVIEW!