Love me, I hate myself


A/N: This story takes place two years post Deathly Hallows (and not the 19 years later thing, ha-ha) and after Eclipse. (Excuse me for my bad english, it's not my native language.)

Chapter 1: Forks

Harry knew that everything was about to get completely different when he saw the dot on the map and decided to move there. Forks. An utterly insignificant place on earth. In a place like that, magic couldn't possibly exist. He could live a normal life among muggles, away from being the boy who lived and especially away from magic.

Voldemort was gone. Harry had killed him. There was nothing left to fear, but Harry couldn't stop being on guard. It was making him insane. Who was he really? Who was Harry now when that monster was dead? He had shaped him and made him into who he now was. How could Harry possibly move on and live a happy, secure life?

Harry couldn't do that. Harry didn't know who he was anymore.

That was why he had to get away. Get away from all the shit that Voldemort and the death eaters had left behind.


The cab rolled into a front yard of a small wooden house. It was painted in white, but the paint was old and were losing its grip of the walls. Harry stepped out of the car with his trunk and walked up to the house. The previous owner was named Charlie Swan. He was one of the few policemen in Forks. He had recently killed himself. Shot his brains out after the tragic death of his daughter. Harry had heard from the guy he bought the house of, that the girl looked like a roadkill when they found her. She had probably gone into the woods and then gotten eaten by some kind of animal, which seemed to happen a lot around these areas.

Harry looked up at the sky. The clouds were thick and gray. Small drops of rain fell down on his face. The air was very moist and chilly, it clung to his body and make him shiver into his very bones.


It felt good to get warm inside the small house. The furniture from the policemen and his daughter were still there so there wasn't much left for Harry to do about the interoir design. He didn't want to complete it with pictures and such, because he wanted to forget about the past. It felt better that way. With pictures of that chief inspector and his daughter. She was pretty. She must have been very young when she died, barely an adult, probably.

The house was very quiet and felt cozy and nice the first days. But after a week or so Harry began to feel restless. He didn't want to go back to his wife, Ginny, yet. Maybe later. If at all.

He had to find something to do. So he began strolling around in the town. Looking at the muggles living their normal, happy, hillbilly lives.

One day he entered a store that sold out door things.

"Good afternoon, miss!" Harry said politely to a girl that seemed to work there, because she wore an ugly shirt with the name of the store on it.

She looked at him in surprise and then shun up and a hungry spark lightened in her eyes.

"Are you from England?"

"Err, yes," Harry said awkwardly.

She was probably about to ask him a lot of things that he would feel uncomfortable answering. That would be a conversation he wanted to avoid. So he quickly glanced around to find something to talk about.

"Uhm... What would be the major usage of this jacket?"

The girl looked disappointed and answered in a monotone voice:

"It's a rain coat. It protects from water and wind."

In the next second the door opened and two men entered the store. They were very handsome. One of them were about Harry's age, or younger. He had auburn hair that would probably shine even more reddish in the sunlight. The other one was big, in a bear like way, with short brown hair, and seemed to be about Harry's age too. They were both very pale. And graceful. Something about them was not human.

Wait a sec... I know what they are, he thought.

He sure did know.


Harry automatically reached for his pocket, just to realize that he didn't have his wand. A shiver travelled down his spine when the sudden panic hit him. He was very aware of the bare second it would take for the vampires to kill both him and the girl. Without his wand, he'd be chance less.

He stared at the vampires in pure horror, there was nothing he could do. He couldn't possibly fight the vampires without a wand.

"Hi Kelly!" The bearlike vampire greeted cheerfully the girl.

This wasn't what Harry was expecting. Then the red head's eyes met his. And his eyes wasn't red as blood. They were yellow, or like topaz or honey. They seemed sad, but also a bit curious.

"How are you guys today?" Kelly asked warmly. "Going hiking again?"

Maybe they weren't vampires after all. Maybe Harry's mind were playing him tricks.

The big one chuckled something Harry didn't listen to, because the red head wrinkled his eye brows, looking into his eyes within a second that seemed to last forever. Suddenly Harry's scar ached. It felt like fire through his forehead and his hand automatically went to the scar.

The boy broke the eye contact and Harry felt scared. He hurried to the door and almost ran home. He was scared, not because of the weird vampires, or muggles, or whatever they were. He was scared because the scar hadn't pained him in a year. Not since the death of Voldemort. Why did it hurt now all of a sudden?


A couple of days passed and Harry didn't feel anything in his scar again. He started to believe that he was just imagining things. Voldemort was dead. The horocruxes were destroyed. Unless that boy was possessed by Voldemort's spirit...

Well, that was silly. And not possible. At all.

Harry needed to do something to get all this off his mind. So he decided to go out to the woods to pick some berries. And this time, he brought his wand, just to be sure, but without intending to use it.

He crooned some happy tunes. Making an effort to cheer himself up and trying not to think about things he didn't want to think about. Well, it didn't work. The woods didn't have the effect on Harry he'd expected it to have. Quite the opposite, actually. When he thought the woods would help him to concentrate on other things, like picking berries, than thinking about things he wanted to forget. Instead it was like the woods made all the unpleasant thoughts attack him, all at once.

Ginny were pleading for him to stay before he left. It was heart breaking. He loved her, but he felt so anxious every day. He just couldn't stand it anymore! He had to get away from her and everything else, so he could find out who he really was.

"Who am I?" he muttered.

Magic was a big part of him, he knew that, and couldn't deny it either. But if he removed all the magic, what would be left? He wasn't sure, and he had to find out, and he couldn't figure that out with Ginny by his side. Ginny reminded him so much of magic, of Hogwarts and the Weasley's and Quidditch and everything he'd ever loved.

It was obviously impossible to have her around.

Being in the woods, picking berries, didn't ease his mind at all. All the memories he had tried to suppress flooded into is mind with colors, sounds and tastes so vibrant that he almost thought he was in England.

He threw himself, with his head first, into a tree, just to feel something else than all the pain from the past. The tree was huge and covered with moss. It didn't hurt so much and the tree didn't even seem to notice the impact of his body. Some kind of angsty aggression was building up inside of him and he started to hit the tree. Again and again.

A tearing feeling started to spread in his chest. At the same time a lump were building in his throat. He hit the tree harder. Suddenly tears flooded Harry's eyes. He didn't care. He wanted to kill something. The tree were to die. In his mind, the tree was Sirius. He wanted to beat him up real good. Why did you leave me, he wanted to ask him.

A twig cracked somewhere behind Harry. He froze and listened for more sounds. One more crack. Harry turned around to see a shape a couple of meters away. It was hard to see, because the woods were covered with a thick mist. It seemed to be a human though, or rather something humanish, and it was crouching, and didn't seem to see Harry.

Harry slowly moved his hand for his wand, which was in the back pocket of his jeans. Suddenly the creature noticed Harry and with the speed of light it threw itself towards Harry. But Harry was quicker and cast a spell over it:


He still had it in him. The creature fell to the ground. Harry walked carefully towards the body and he saw that it was that red headed boy from the store. He stared at Harry's face, probably in horror. Harry guessed that he had never heard about wizards before, but he had to be a vampire though. There was just one odd thing... Vampires had red eyes, right? Not honey? Not beautiful eyes of liquid gold...

Harry shook his head in disbelief. He had tried to run from magic and instead he wound up in Forks. An insignificant place on earth, but with vampires. What's the odds of that? And it wasn't not only one, there was one more too.

Did Harry have to rip the vampire into shreds and burn the pieces? Was that really his job to do? He felt lazy, he told himself. But to be honest, he wasn't lazy, he just felt that he couldn't kill this boy. The boy was too beautiful and mesmerizing for Harry to do such an awful thing.