Twilight Review

Disclaimer: Do not own Lux Pain.

Summary: Shinji plans on taking Mika to the movies for their date but before he does, he asks his friends on what movie to watch and not watch.

Pairing: Shinji/Mika with hints of Akira/Atsuki

Genre: Humor

Rated: T (for teen)

Warning: Shoen-ai reference, unintentional OOC, swearing, and bashing of Twilight and High School Musical

Okay. If you are a Twilight fan, DO NOT READ THIS FIC! I'm serious! I'm not going to get flagged because people can't take a joke.


"YES!" Shinji Naruse cheered as he punched the air. He actually scored a date with the hot Mika Nozaki. To most people, she was an annoying yet honest girl, but Shinji saw that there was more to her. He thought he would never get a chance to date her because rumor had it that she had it for Akira Mido. Of course, Shinji knew that Akira didn't like her that way.

It was easier than expected. After sixth period, he would ask her out. The next day, they would go watch a movie at the movie theater that he thought she would like. The purple haired teen knew that she loved romance movies as well as romantic comedies. It would be easy to please her.

The problem was that there were many romance movies playing and he couldn't decide which one she would like the most. The best thing to do was ask his friends.

After school, he went to the library where Ryo Unami was busy putting books back by their call number. Upon noticing Shinji, he stopped his work.

"Is there something you need Shinji-kun?" he asked.

Shinji frowned. He didn't like it when the bluenette called him by his first name. He preferred Mika to call him by his first name but she referred to him as 'Naruse-kun'. Then there was Atsuki Saijo who called everyone by their first name if he was really close to them.

"Please call me Naruse-kun. It sounds better," Shinji told him.

"Sorry Naruse-kun. Is there anything you need though?"

"Actually, I was wondering if you knew any good movies to watch."

"Why?"

"I scored with Mika-san!"

Ryo cocked an eyebrow, "Oh really?"

"What, you don't believe me?"

"Didn't think you were her type."

"...Please tell me any good movies to watch."

"Let's see. If I remember correcting, Twilight is playing now."

"Twilight? You mean that book by Stephenie Meyer. They actually made a movie of it?"

Ryo sighed, "Sadly."

"What's wrong?"

"I finished reading the book and it was deplorable."

Shinji was confused. "Deplorable, how?"

Ryo let out a huge sigh and said nothing. He just went back to sorting the books.

"Why is it deplorable?" Shinji asked.

"The writing is terrible," he stated simply, "and there was no plot in the first book whatsoever."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't lie. If you want the true details of the book and movie though, ask Saijo-kun. He and Mido went to the movie just to make fun of it."

"If it's that bad...then I won't take her to that movie."

"Nozaki-kun loves romance movies. The minute she sees the Twilight poster, she will definitely want to go see it. In other words, you need to brace yourself."

With that said, Ryo went back to work leaving a confused Shinji to think whether or not to take Mika to watch Twilight.


Shinji decided it was best to get some information on Twilight before he asked Atsuki and Akira what the series is really like.

He made it to his place with no difficulty. Quickly, he turned on his laptop and went on google. He typed in Twilight on the search engine. He found millions of websites. Wikipedia was the website he considered would give him the most information on the series. Sure enough, he was surprised that book was really popular.

If its popular and well-liked, why would Unami-kun think that the book suck? Shinji asked himself. He read some negative stuff about the book and it didn't seem that bad. Yet...he couldn't put his finger on it...

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Shinji quickly went over to the door and opened it.

"Hey Naruse! We decided to stop by and congratulate you!"

It was Atsuki and Akira Mido. Akira being the loud one and Atsuki trying his best to restrain him from barging into the house.

"Congratulate me on what?"

"Don't act dumb. I heard from Unami that you got a date with Nozaki. That's sweet!"

"-sweatdrop- Um...yeah."

Atsuki invited himself in as the two were talking. He didn't seem interested on who was dating who. He was searching the house for any Silent worms. The worse case scenario would be that something terrible would happen to the purple haired teen.

"But seriously Mido, I thought Mika-san was interested in you."

Akira stared at him like he was an idiot, "Since when did you get that idea?"

"Rumors," Shinji answered, "and didn't you like Mika-san at one point."

"As a friend but nothing more." Akira smirked when he said this, "I prefer my women with big boobs and a submissive personality."

"Idiot," Atsuki told him coldly.

"It's the truth."

"I understand what you mean..." Shinji mumbled.

"Really? Then you should go after a girl like Kamishiro. She has huge tits and a quiet personality. Or you could go after that other quiet girl...uh...what was her name?"

"Sayuri," Atsuki responded, "And both of them would never be interested in people like you."

"Saijo, that's harsh," Akira whined.

Shinji allowed Akira in as he closed the door. Now was the chance to ask them both.

"Hey Saijo-kun," Shinji began, "Did you two see the Twilight movie?"

Atsuki did not respond so Akira answered for him.

"Yeah. Why did you ask?"

"Well, I was planning on taking Mika-san to see Twilight tomorrow and I wanted to know how good the movie was."

"Hate it," Atsuki said simply.

"It was hella funny!" Akira said with a laugh, "I laughed so hard when that vampire dude sparkled in the sun."

"Sparkle?"

"Yes. This movie has vegetarian vampires that sparkle in the sun instead of being weakened by it," Akira explained, "It also hypnotizes girls into making them more dependent on their boyfriend and make them see Edward Cullen as their idol boyfriend."

"There's sexism in the book?" Shinji asked in an amazed tone.

"You better believe it. Now, the only reason I came to the movie theater was to watch the new Harry Potter trailer. I also made every attempt to call the pretty vampire a 'fag' because that's what he is."

"You shouldn't say bad things about homosexuals."

"BUT IT'S TRUE ATSUKI!"

"-red vein- Don't call me by my first name."

Shinji got some information from the green haired teen. Now was time to ask the other one...but he was worried that he would be snapped at for asking.

"Saijo-kun, was the movie really that bad?" Shinji asked.

"The movie is better than the book," Akira told the purple haired teen, "and that just means that the series itself sucks."

"Why are you talking for him Mido? I want to know if-"

"It was the worst movie I have ever seen," Atsuki said in a dark tone, "It was worse than High School Musical."

"Who likes that movie?" Akira and Shinji asked at the same time. (Me: The answer is little kids.)

"The way vampires are described are all wrong!"

"Oh boy, here we go," Akira said with a groan, "We're be here for a while."

"Has the author even read Dracula?" Atsuki asked to no one in general, "Vampires will always drink blood from a person no matter what. They DON'T drink blood from roadkill! They drink human blood! What kind of vampire doesn't drink human blood?"

"The ones in Twilight," Akira said sarcastically.

"EXACTLY!"

Akira slowly whispered something to Shinji. "He's not 100% accurate with this information so you have to be careful."

"And why the hell is the heroine Bella so pathetic?!" he asked.

"Because she's a Mary Sue," Akira answered.

"CORRECT! She's perfect! Everyone knows and likes her yet she thinks she's not perfect! Mary Sue alert! She lets that stupid vampire take control of her life. I mean, what girl allows her boyfriend to watch her sleep at night, listen to her phone calls, and choose her friends?"

"A stalker."

"RIGHT! If that were me, I would want a restraining order! God! Why do the girls have to be so pathetic? They have to rely on their boyfriend to save them from every damn thing! If that were me-"

"You would wait for me to save you," Akira said with a perverted grin.

Shinji looked away as he heard the gray haired teen punch Akira in the face.

"You're not helping!"

"But you know it's true."

"I just want the details..." Shinji mumbled.

"At least someone is listening," Atsuki said as he continued, "Anyway, who ever heard of sparkling vampires?"

The lecture lasted until midnight.


While Shinji didn't get that much sleep, he had enough information about Twilight. His conclusion is that you couldn't judge a book by its cover. Even though Atsuki told him ninety times last night (and maybe even more than that) to not take Mika to see the movie and watch something else like My Best Friend's Girl.

Once the two hooked up in the afternoon though, the bluenette ended up deciding to watch Twilight.

"Why do we have to watch Twilight?" Shinji asked trying not to sound disgusted.

"Because Edward Cullen is hot," Mika said as her eyes became hearts.

That was one thing out of the million things Atsuki lectured about last night. All girls who watch the movie think Edward Cullen is hot. That's a sign showing that their boyfriend will be dumbed for an imaginary character soon.

Shinji could only sigh as he walked toward his doom.


At the end of the movie, Shinji was crying. Not because the movie was sad or romantic, but because it...sucked!

He could have sworn that all the guys in the movie theater who were calling Edward Cullen a fag were crying at the end because they got through the movie for the eleventh time.

"Naruse-kun, did you think that was the best movie ever?" Mika asked as they walked out of the movie theater.

"Someone please shoot me now..." he mumbled.

Mika didn't seem to be listening to him because she kept talking about the movie and how gorgeous Edward Cullen for the rest of the date. Shinji told himself that when he got home, he would start an Anti-Twilight club and invite Atsuki, Akira and Ryo to join along with many others.

The lesson Shinji learned was this. Listen to your friends when they tell you a movie sucks balls. If you don't listen to them, you just lost ten dollars from the movie or more if you're going with someone. That money could have been used to buy porn.


Me: Done with 2315 words.

Yohko: People are going to flame you.

Me: Hey, this is supposed to be funny. Mika was the obvious Twilight lover and all the guys in the story are Anti-Twilight fans. I guarantee that more guys hate Twilight than girls. I want my point across though. My stepsister who I hate with a passion now never plays games with me anymore. And you want to know why? All she does is talk about Twilight and say how Edward Cullen is the hottest guy in the world and shit. I disagree and she declares that she wouldn't play with me anymore unless I changed my mind. That's how bad the Edward Cullen influence is on girls whatsoever.

So if you're a Twilight fan and you flame me, I will seriously be mad at you because you people can't take a joke. I swear, one person and I will...

Yohko: Get Lux Pain! It's coming out tomorrow! Ja ne!