Sam flopped back with his eyes closed onto the bed that he and Jessica shared. He could hear the shower running in the bathroom. He smiled to himself. He was home. He hated that he was hurting Dean. But he just didn't want that life. He loved Dean, he was worried about their Dad but he wanted to be here with Jess. He had his law school interview in the morning and right now all he wanted to do was curl up in bed with Jess. Sam felt a drop of something wet and sticky land on his forehead, than another. He opened his eyes confused. Sam's heart lept into his throat at what he saw, a feeling of pure terror welling up inside him. Jess was pinned to the ceiling eyes open, lifeless. Just like a nightmare, except this wasn't a nightmare, it was real. "Jess!" He screamed as he room burst into flames surrounding Jess. Then suddenly Dean was there in the door way. "Sam, Sam!"Dean yelled. Sam could hear him but he couldn't move, he couldn't leave Jess, not like that. "No, no!" Sam yelled as if by saying the word he could make it all stop. Dean ran into the room "We've got to get out." He told Sam urgency in his voice. Sam fought Dean as he tried to drag him out of the burning room. Sam didn't care that the room was in flames, he didn't want to live if Jess didn't. "Jess, Jess, no!" Sam screamed as Dean wrestled him out of the flames.
Sam stood behind the Impala fiddling with a gun. He was trying desperately to control himself as he waited for Dean to come back from the crowd of on lookers that had gathered. All Sam wanted to do was crumple to the road, to cry and never get up again. But he couldn't not in front of all these people. Not in front of Dean. Not that Dean hadn't seen him cry before, but the last time was along time ago. He knew Dean would be strong enough to hold it together, so he would be too. Dean came and stood with him. Dean stared at Sam with concern. Sam sniffed and one betraying tear dripped from his face. Sam threw the gun into the trunk "We've got work to do." He said and then slammed the lid closed. Sam got into the Implala and huddled against the passenger side door. Dean slid into the drivers seat and started the Impala.
The two men drove a long in silence. A few times Sam thought Dean was going to say something turning his head to look at him. Dean even opened his mouth at one point but then he just turned back to the road in front of him. Sam didn't really feel like talking so he was grateful for the silence. Really right now Sam couldn't talk. He knew if he opened his mouth the tears would come and he didn't know if he would be able to stop them. His eyes were burning with tears. His jaw ached from keeping it tight. It hurt so bad, worse than anything he'd ever been through. His heart felt like it had been shredded into a thousand pieces and it would never be whole again. They'd been driving for a while when a motel came into view up a head. Dean pulled in and stopped in front of the office. Dean got out of the car and went inside. Sam didn't move. He was afraid the slightest movement would open the flood gates. Dean got back in and moved the car to their spot. "Come on Sammy." Dean said opening his door and gathering up their stuff in his hands. Sam didn't care that Dean had used his childish nickname, he didn't care about anything anymore. Great now I have to move Sam thought. Sam opened his door slowly trying to keep his mind blank and followed Dean into the room. Dean flicked on the light. Sam barley looked at he room, barley taking in the surroundings. He went to his bag that Dean had put down and started to rake through for something clean to wear. This bag contained all that he had left of his life with Jess. He touched a shirt, rubbed the fabric through his fingers. She brought this for my last birthdaySam remembered. "We've stayed in worse." Dean's voice broke Sam from his memories. Sam grunted to acknowledge that Dean had spoken he'd started to well up again and couldn't manage an actual word. "You-you want to talk about it?" Dean asked sounding tired and stressed. Sam looked up at Dean and he could see sadness and worry for him, written all over his bothers face. Sam looked away quickly so he couldn't see it. "I-I can't." Sam said voice breaking with emotion. "Not right now." Dean nodded. Sam grabbed his clothes and as quickly as he could walked to the bathroom. "Gonna take a shower." Sam called over his shoulder. Sam didn't look back at Dean, because then Dean would know the tears had already started to fall.
Sam shut the bathroom door turned the light on. He started the water as quickly possible so Dean couldn't hear him. Then Sam finally just let go. He sobbed, he sobbed so hard that it brought him to his knees. He fell back and rested his back against the bath, brought his knees up to his chest. Sam wrapped his arms around himself and rocked. My beautiful Jess Sam thought her beautiful eyes I'll never again look into, her beautiful smile I'll never see again. Her kindness her laughter, her light, gone. Sam sobbed harder he never thought the tears would stop. I was gonna marry her. "We were meant to be forever." Sam choked out softly to the empty room. "I'm so sorry Jess." I was having nightmares about this, how could I have ever left her alone, I did nothing and now she's gone. Sam berated himself.
Sam didn't know how long he'd been on the bathroom floor for but finally the tears did stop and he just felt numb. Sam pulled himself from the cold bathroom floor and undressed. Sam moved as if in a trace going through the motions but not really paying attentions to what he was doing. He stepped into the shower and let the hot water wash the smell of smoke form his hair and body. He wished that he could wash away the image of Jessica's lifeless eyes staring at him from the ceiling, it haunted him every time he shut his own. Sam ran the water so hot he could barley stand it trying to burn away the memories and his thoughts. Eventually when he couldn't take the heat he turned the water off and dried himself. As he got dressed he didn't bother to look in the mirror he knew his eyes were red from crying but he didn't care any more. He felt dead inside. When he emerged he saw Dean sitting on his bed facing the bathroom door. Sam still couldn't bring himself to talk, he just wanted to let the numbness wash over him. Sam pulled the covers back off his bed and layed down rolling away from Dean to face the wall. Sam heard Dean rummage through his bag. "I'm sorry Sammy." Dean said standing on the other side of Sam's bed near the bathroom door. "I know." Sam said finally making eye contact with Dean. Sam could feel the worry radiating from Dean but he just couldn't reassure Dean that he was OK right now cos he just wasn't OK. Dean entered the bathroom and shut the door softly. Sam pulled the blankets around him tightly and squeezed his eyes tight. He tried to keep his mind blank to think of nothing. He felt exhausted, drained. Sam fell into an uneasy sleep fairly quickly, quicker than he thought he would, he didn't hear Dean come out of the bathroom and get into his own bed.
Sam hadn't been asleep very long when he woke up with a start expecting to see the room in flames. He'd been having a nightmare. Then as his eyes adjusted to the light and he took in the unfamiliar surroundings it hit him, it hadn't been a nightmare this time. The numbness that had settled over him earlier was gone and replaced by an ache in his chest were his heart used to be. They came came again, the tears. Sam tried to sob as quietly as he could so not to wake Dean. But it didn't work, of course it didn't there had never really been a time when Dean hadn't been able to pick up when something was wrong with Sam. Sam heard the springs in Deans bed creak as he climbed out. Then Sam felt his own bed dip with the weight of Dean climbing in next to him. Sam felt Deans warm hand on his shoulder. "Sammy." Dean whispered.
"Why Dean?"Sam sobbed. "Why'd it have to take her, hurt her, she was so beautiful insde and out, she was, she was." Sam sobbed harder his whole body shaking.
"Sam clam down, please,"Deans soothed pleadingly. "We"ll find what ever did this, we'll make it pay."
Sam felt Dean run his hand up and down his arm. Sam knew Dean wasn't much for physical contact but he couldn't help it. Sam spun around in the bed and threw himself into Dean. Sam felt Dean stiffen with shock at suddenly finding himself with an arm full of his brother but then Dean wrapped his arms around Sam tightly. Sam was grateful that Dean was doing this for him. Of course he is Sam thought he'd do anything for you, he always has. Sam also knew that in the morning they'd both pretend that this hadn't happened. Sam felt better being this close to Dean, he started to clam down but he didn't stop crying. The tears ran quietly down his face soaking Deans shirt. He felt safe, like he had when he was little and there was a bad storm or he had a bad dream and Dean would let Sam climb into his bed. Dean always made Sam feel as if he could make anything bad go way, protect him from anything, fix anything. Sam wished that it was true this time. I still have my brother. I'll always have Dean. Sam thought as he fell asleep in Dean's arms.