Title: Zoro's Directions Only Make Sense if You're Special like He is
Universe: One Piece
Character/Pairing/s: Sanji, Luffy, Zoro
Warnings/Spoilers: crack, ooc, random.
Word Count: 975
Summary: Zoro gives directions.
Dedication: tokki-chan, who wanted me to finish this! Happy belated, dear!
A/N: Inspired by OP ep 393, and the line where Zoro asks if the Tenryuubito needs directions. Which was way more hysterical than this, but hey, I tried.
Disclaimer: No harm or infringement intended.
Sanji clenches his teeth and feels something a lot like a twitch developing in his left eye once he actually stops to look at the directions Zoro had written out for he and Luffy on a napkin just now; every word the chef sees in front of him gives him a progressively worse headache than the last.
"Where next, where next?" Luffy whines over Sanji's shoulder in the meantime, bouncing eagerly. "Sanji, I want to try those free samples tooooooo!!!"
"THESE DIRECTIONS DON'T MAKE SENSE," Sanji snaps back at him, and shoves the napkin in Luffy's face. "Tell me what part of this is actually usable!"
Luffy blinks at the napkin, before sticking his finger in his nose and cocking his head to the side thoughtfully.
"Na, Sanji," the captain questions after a moment, looking concerned, "is it possible that you can't read?"
Sanji kicks him in the head.
"Being able to read or not read is not what's the matter with these directions!" he yells, and startles some of the other festival goers around them with the scary expression he is currently making. A mother steers her small child in a large arc around the two pirates.
Sanji sighs. Tries to calm down. "Che. No wonder this idiot can get lost walking towards something right in front of him!"
Luffy just grins. "Sanji," he reiterates after a moment, finger still in his nose and looking bored, "I want free samples!"
Then he wanders off to look at the stall selling stuffed Sea Kings while he waits for Sanji to figure things out.
Sanji's eye tics.
He counts backwards from three and looks at the directions again.
Unfortunately, they still read as follows:
Turn up when you see the dog with the spots.
Keep the old man with the funny hat on your dominant arm side until you reach the tree with the birds in it.
Then the old man with the funny hat will be on your weak arm side. (Unless you're me, because I don't have a weak arm. Then it'll just be opposite that or something. Aho chef).
When the birds in the tree start to fly, wait until they're behind you and go down.
Once you feel a rock sticking out of the ground under your shoe, turn towards the girls with the pinwheels and walk for as long as it takes them to decide on what they're going to buy.
The stall next to the signpost I bumped into when I turned to avoid that crazy-eyed old woman with the masks is the one with the free meatball samples. Just take the plate; it's easier than waiting for toothpicks.
"What does that even mean?!" Sanji screams when he's done rereading, and throws the napkin on the ground. Stomps on it.
He contemplates stopping to ask one of the other vendors for real directions.
Meanwhile, in the background, Luffy is jumping up and down and waving at him. "Sanji," he shouts, sounding excited, "Sanji I found the dog with spots!"
When Sanji looks at him, there is indeed a spotted dog wandering around the streets at his feet. It wags its tail when Luffy pats its head, before heading towards a nearby bush and peeing on it.
The Strawhat Captain grins. "So now we just need to turn up, right?" He points to the left. "Let's go!"
Sanji tries to sound patient, because he understands that Luffy is a moron since he was born that way. "First of all, we don't know how far that dog has traveled since the stupid marimo last saw it. Second, how do you know that the stupid marimo means left when he tells us to turn up?"
Luffy grins and gestures towards the right. "Because any way you look at it that way is down isn't it? Let's go! Meatballs, meatballs, meatballs!"
And then he takes off towards the left, like his explanation makes all the sense in the world.
Sanji is forced to follow, since he'd sworn on his honor to Nami-swan that he wouldn't leave Luffy unsupervised while everyone else was out; she'd stressed that this was imperative given that the last time their captain had gotten away on his own, the Strawhats had suddenly ended up twelve-hundred beli in debt to a pissed-off looking taffy merchant.
Ten minutes, an old man with a funny hat, a tree, some birds, a rock, two girls, and a cracked-in-half signpost from where Zoro had bumped into it later, Luffy is—miraculously, idiotically—munching on an entire plateful of meatballs and declaring they are the best free samples ever as he heartily demands seconds from the harried looking vendor.
Eventually he supposes that it can't be helped; it's not anyone's fault that Zoro and Luffy are the only people in the crew who can fluently understand Dumbass-Speak, after all.
Sanji manages to drag a protesting Luffy off of the stall after plateful number three.
Later, when they are all back aboard the Sunny and everyone else is showing off their festival souvenirs to one another, Sanji overhears it when Luffy turns to Zoro and says, "Thanks for telling us where to get the meatballs, Zoro! They were good!"
Zoro grunts sleepily. "No problem."
Then, Luffy lowers his voice, except that he might as well still be screaming. "I don't think Sanji knows how to read very well," he reports.
Zoro blinks. "What, really?"
Luffy nods. "But don't say anything, because he's sensitive about it," the captain adds in all seriousness.
"Sure," Zoro agrees, using a tone that seriously pisses Sanji off for some reason. "I can be subtle."
Then—in a clear attempt to be subtle— both swordsman and captain simultaneously turn to look at Sanji with identical expressions of pity on their faces.
Sanji glares and kicks them in the teeth.