Warning: This story will contain the following; sex between men, swearing, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, character death and other mature themes some may not find appropriate for young readers. This story is rather intense and may upset some readers. So if at anything you do not like the story, stop reading.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or related characters and themes. More over this story is purely fan fiction.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000015

Ichigo sat there, staring at the small diamond necklace that hung on the handle of the apartment door. He knew from one glance it belonged to Rukia; a basket full of stuff, one of his guitars and a letter were also there. His name written in the beautiful cursive that belonged indubitable to her.

Ichigo took the necklace from the handle and wrapped it around his wrist, only took twice to keep it from sliding off, then picked up the letter.

Ichi

I'm sorry, but I can't do this any longer

You're always vanishing, and don't call,

for days, you never tell me where you're

going or for how long you'll be gone.

I've tried to stay by you, but you're not the

boy I fell in love with, you aren't my Ichigo.

I want to love you, to be with you forever, but

I'm only human, and I need someone who will

be with me forever, and not just vanish in the wind.

I'm sorry,

Good bye

Rukia

Ichigo swallowed and folded the note back up and picked the stuff up slowly and went into the dark apartment, he set the stuff down right next to the door and pulled his sweater off and tossed it on the floor.

His apartment felt emptier then normal, darker too, but just as lonely and it was if anything dirtier sense Rukia left. He had no desire to clean it, hadn't sense he got back from the war. Rukia had been the only thing that made this place bearable, but her ability to calm him was only one thing in the sea of fucked up shit flying around him at the moment.

The phone started ringing, and Ichigo stared at it. 'Hey, not here right now, y'know what to do,' *beep*

"Oi Ichigo.... It's Renji, man where are you I've been trying to get ahold of ya for days.... Anyways we've gotta talk, and yer really need to get into work, Urahara's loosing his patients for yer bull shit, just fucking call me already," *click*

Ichigo's apartment fell silent again and he sighed and walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, all the food was either bad, or didn't catch his appetite. So he just slammed the fridge closed and went into the bathroom.

Ichigo stripped revealing hundreds of fresh cuts and bruises, and got into the shower and washed quickly. He got out, dried off and put on a fresh pair of boxers and went to the bedroom.

'Leave it to Rukia to make the bed before she leaves' Ichigo thought sitting heavily on the bed, then grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills and popped a few dry and laid back with a heavy sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ichigo walked into the club where he worked around 5, an hour before it opened. He had black rings around his eyes, even with his sleeping pills, he didn't sleep well. He had nightmares about what he'd seen on the battlefield, and what he'd done on it.

"Oi, Ichigo,"

Ichigo looked up as he walked around the bar at the red headed dj that walked over to him. "Hey... Renji," He murmured.

"What the hell happened to you all last week man?" Renji asked "You can't just run off like that, yer scare people. Rukia thought you were dead,"

Ichigo shifted and ran his fingers though his hair.

"Hey... isn't that Rukia's?" Renji asked nodding at the necklace Ichigo had still wrapped around his wrist.

"She uh... gave it back to me," Ichigo said thumbing the diamond pendant slowly, staring at it with vacant eyes.

"What? Man Ichi, I'm so sorry," Renji said sitting down on a stool. Ichigo ran his tongue over the inside of his bottom lip and nodded tying his apron around his waist.

"It's my fault," Ichigo said.

"So you went off to the fight clubs again, I see," Renji said changing the subject. "What the hell are you thinking?"

"I'm good at fighting," Ichigo said.

"You ever gonna tell me what happened?" Renji asked in a serious low tone. Ichigo cleaned his throat and looked down at the bar.

" .... No," Ichigo muttered.

"Why not? I've been you're best friend sense the first grade Ichi," Renji said.

"Because.... I'm not proud of what I did," Ichigo said

"No one is proud of what they did in that stupid war Ichi, I'm not," Renji said. "Ichi you were named a hero when we came back for christ sake,"

"There's nothing heroic about killing people Renji," Ichigo said closing his eyes, trying to get the faces of his marks to leave his mind, to stop haunting him.

"If it saves those close to you, then yea it is," Renji said and Ichigo glared at him. "Ichi.... you're shaking," Renji grabbed Ichigo's hand who only then realized he was shaking.

"...Fuck," Ichigo pulled away and stepped back against the wall, and slid down to the floor covering his head with his arms.

"Ichigo!" Renji jumped over the bar and knelt next to Ichigo, trying to pull his thin but muscluar arms away from his face. "Hey, hey it's aalright Ichi," Renji said, but Ichigo didn't budge, just stayed silently trembling on the floor. "What the hell happened to you Ichigo?" Renji whispered. He sat next to Ichigo, and they stayed silent for what seemed like forever.

"I was... doing my job.... right?" Ichigo finally asked and Renji looked down at him. "Assassinating all of those people.... I was just doing my job right?"

"Yea, you were, Ichi," Renji said wrapping his arm around Ichigo's shoulders. Ichigo shifted and leaned against Renji, who looked carefully against him. "Have you been using again Ichigo?" He reached over and ran his fingers over the track marks on Ichigo's left arm.

"Not for three weeks," Ichigo whispered. "I knew Rukia would kill me if sh-.... if she found out I picked a needle up again,"

"She's not the only one you idiot," Renji muttered. "You need to get home, you shouldn't be working," Renji stood pulling Ichigo up by his waist. Renji felt his heart sink, realizing just how thin Ichigo had gotten. "I'll take you home, my truck's out back, go get in, I'll tell Urahara,"

Ichigo didn't reply, just walked out, like a zombie, and vanished from Renji's sight.

***************************************************************************************************

End of Chapter 1

This story is kinda depressing, but it was requested by a friend from school so I wrote it, and got good a good review so I figured I'd post it. It's kinda long, and is kinda slow for the first couple of chapters, but it does pick up, I promise.

Review and comment, thanks

ConstantSnow