The main reason I'm writing this is because there are little over a hundred Metalocalypse fan fictions. I feel my fandom deserves better .

This is actually from a comic I drew a while back, but haven't been able to upload to dA. If I cant show the uber-kyootness, I'll write it, yeah?

I am not going to type Murderface's accent. You KNOW what he sounds like, and its hard to read.

Update: I hadn't noticed this odd thing with the 'bold' and 'italics' and 'underline'… I certainly didn't write it that way!

Livia-Thank you!

Pierre-Ah, I see thank you. Ive fixed it now. I should have known it was too good to be true that I would instantly know a relatively minor characters name off the bat, hm? Thank you for the help! Btw, I agree, Seletcia would be a Great mother! XD


It all started with Murderface, as most trouble seemed to.

It was his turn to control the TV in the main hall of Mordhaus, and as usual he had picked a morbid, gory movie that toed the lines of 'illegal' and 'pornographic' all at once. As they tended to do at these times, the band mates had all found something less stomach-churning to entertain themselves: Pickles chose booze, Skwisgaar chose a BBW website, Nathan was reading a book about horrific diseases, and Toki was beating his score on 'Butterfly' for the DDR machine.

It was all very serious business, vital to the emotional health of the worlds biggest company, Dethklok.

It took Toki an hour to get enough points to beat his own high score, and as he watched the AA scroll up the screen, it occurred to him that he no longer had anything to do. He had spent the last two weeks working on his scores so he could type out a sentence, like Pickles had told him to do, but it was finished finally. What was he supposed to do now?

'From Sweden - Is sluts qweens - Skwisgaar's mom - Toki Ruls' flashed cheerfully behind him as he stepped off the dance pad, intent to go show Skwisgaar his proclamation, but he instead flopped onto the couch beside Murderface as his legs gave in to exhaustion. 'Wowee! I guess I dance-danced too much!'

He gave his Swedish rival a quick once-over, trying to decide if he was too interested in the naked fat ladies to hear him calling. He probably was, from the shear amount of flesh-colouring he could see on the computer screen from the couch. He didn't really want to yell his accomplishment anyways, it would be more fun to show him up close.

More importantly, Murderface was giving him an evil glare, as though daring him to yell across the room during his porno/gore-o film. Toki could wait till his legs felt better.

He wiggled around till his had his knees hanging over the armrest and the rest of him flat on the couch, turning to watch the film. Yup. Definitely one of Murderface's movies. Lots of skanky girls covered in blood or screaming as they got chased by a one-arm, no-eyed serial killer with devil horns. He watched quietly for a while, only commenting at particularly brutal parts, until a very interesting scene took his interest.

One of the porno-ladies was dressed up like a teenage girl with pigtails, sitting on a girly bed with pictures laying all around her of the football guy from school (who had been choked with his own intestines in the scene before this). She had some bubblegum-pop playing as she picked up each picture purposefully, finally choosing one where he was close to the camera, looking at her with his big baby blues. After acting cute and nervous (badly) for a few seconds, she brought the picture up to her face and kissed it.

Toki tilted his head back, staring at Murderface curiously. "Why she do that's?"

"Shut up Toki." It was the 5th time he'd said it since Toki sat down, the 85643rd time since they'd met. If Toki didn't shut up before, why now?

"No, reallys! Why she kiss dat pictures? Is it scratching-sniffs?"

"Shut UP Toki! I'm watching this!"

"It just likes all you other movies! All of dem die but the pretty goyle and dat pretty guys, dey kill da monster and has sex! Poofs! Who cares!?!" He threw one big arm in the direction of the TV, giving the bassist his 'I hate you so much Skwisgaar' look. "Just tells me why she do that and yous can watch the dumb dildo movies!"

Murderface glared at him, but it seemed to mostly just be the shape of his face, as he seemed to wilt under the glare he usually saved for the lead guitar. For all his screeching, Murderface knew better than to let Toki get mad at him. "She's practicing kissing, you Norway-retard!! They don't have brain cells up there?! Or are you too dumb to develop pictures??"

Toki ignored the insults, instead sitting up, grabbing Murderface's blipper and rewinding the movie to that scene again. "She kissing dat picture of dat guy what she likes? Why not just kiss him? She sluts!"

"The actress is a slut, not the character! She's kissing the picture so when she kisses him she will be good at it." The bassist slumped down in his chair, glaring sullenly at the man that had ruined his TV time (and by proxy, his life).

"She can'ts kiss him though, he deads! She necros-almanac? "

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIVE ME THE REMOTE!!" Murderface snatched the remote and shoved Toki off the couch, crossing his arms over the hardware protectively. "Your such a douche bag!"

After a few more verbal spear-throws, Toki stomped out of the main hall and towards his own room. It didn't take long before his annoyed thoughts turned to the bloody-sluts movie. He'd never heard of anything like that before. Kissing a picture to get better at kissing? Did that really work?

Toki's greatest fantasies were Always kissing the pretty girls. One would think that he'd have his fill, being the wealthiest and most famous Norwegian in history, but with Skwisgaar around… well, not a lot of action swung his way. Sure, lots of teenage girls liked him best, and there were a few that would go for Toki, but he never REALLY got to kiss the pretty girls very often. It was always Skwisgaar Skwisgaar Skwisgaar! If he never got to kiss them, how was he going to get any better!?

He stopped in front of his bedroom door, his eyes alight. Who says he couldn't get better without girls? The movies said he could! If the movies said that he could get good at kissing by kissing pictures, why wouldn't that be true? They had never led him astray before! Not to mention that Nathan to lots of his song ideas from TV, and that made them more rich than anybody!

Grinning excitedly, Toki threw open his door and ran inside, thinking happily of his enormous picture collection. Soon the girls would spend all night kissing him instead of that stupid, dildo-brained Skwisgaar!!


A few hours later found Toki staring at his bed, analyzing the many pictures covering it. So many, blondes redheads ravens, brunettes… it looked like some creepy sexual predators bed.

Unable to make a decision, Toki put a hand over his eyes, reaching out and grabbing one at random. He peaked threw his fingers tentatively, catching sight of the brunette staring back at him with a rather awkward looking smile. It took him all of a second to throw it over his shoulder, guiltlessly grabbing a new one.

Blue eyes looked up at him audaciously, blonde hair framing the classically beautiful face. The nose was maybe a little strong, but this face was definitely the right one to train him for kissing!! Haha, Skwisgaar was going to be so jealous when he found out how good he was going to get!!

Toki smacked the pictures out of the way, giving him room to sit on his knees on the bed, just like the movie-slut. Cant be too careful after all! Got to keep it accurate.

He brought the picture up to his face, giving the blonde a peck on the lips. "Tastes likes… papers.." He pouted slightly, having expected it to feel more… lip-y. But it was a photo after all….. Maybe he had to really concentrate!

With new-found determination, he stared into the blue eyes, imagining they were looking at him so confidently… pretended that his hands were holding that blonde hair instead of picture-paper….

He leaned in slightly to meet the picture, closing his eyes as he kissed it… still papery but much better! If Toki got better each time, he would sure be real great by the next concert!

He set himself in, ready for a long night of training.


Skwisgaar was quite annoyed. In fact, the English word for annoyed didn't even suit the emotion properly, but he was too annoyed to remember the Swedish word for it. That's how annoyed he was! HE COULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS FIRST LANGUAGE!!!

He had wandered away from the internet (having seen every big-beautiful -woman on the entire site) to play the wheelchair game for a while, in the hopes of giving the site timed to get new ladies, but the beeping of the dancing machine had caught his attention.

Normally he wouldn't pay any attention to it. It essentially belonged to Toki and Pickle, as they were the only ones to use it (Toki being the sole person to play it while sober), but today for some reason it had called to him. He had stepped away from the first game, drawn like a zombie to a bloody carcass, and that's when he'd seen it.

Toki's high-scores.

It was technically the third score that he noticed first, since it had his name. For a moment he felt triumphant, thinking he'd beaten some of Toki's scores, while being so completely drunk he forgot. But it didn't just say 'Skwisgaar', it said 'Skwisgaar's mom', and even he would never get so drunk to think he was Serveta! Disbelieving, he gripped the bars around the game stage, his eyes scanning up the scores.

'Skwisgaar's mom

Is sluts qweens

From Sweden'



It didn't take Skwisgaar's incredible (guitar) genius to know that Toki had done this. And that he would die. Alot.

The Swede glared at Toki's door (which sported the carving 'IS TOKI ROOMS' in case you weren't sure where you were in the enormous Mordhaus) his shoulders shaking slightly as he contemplated what to do. Pulling out his hair was the obvious choice, one he usually fell back on, and fun too. Maybe he'd hit him over the head with his guitar? No, Toki's skull was so thick he might break the bridge.. Maybe he'd just steal his deddy bear and drown it in the hot tub!! Perfect plan, he really was a (guitar) genius!

Throwing the door open, he filled his lungs to start screaming, but found himself choking on the air instead.

Rather than drinking or building models, like Toki usually was when Skwisgaar barged in, the Norwegian was sitting girlishly on the bed, kissing a photograph… like a girl. He looked up at Skwisgaar, looking only slightly surprised to be interrupted during such a private… weird……thing.

"Hey, Skwisgaar! What you doins in here?"

"I… What yous doin in heres!?" He made a large, unnamable gesture towards either Toki, Toki's legs, or the photograph.

Toki grinned brightly, holding the picture out to Skwisgaar, who was nervously edging towards the bed, as though he was going to be attacked by some sickly, mangy ooze-monster. "I's practicing to be kissing the pretty giols! I saws it on da TVs! Is real cool, huh..?"

Skwisgaar's eyes were so wide he could almost see his own hairline. In his hands was a (slightly moist) photograph of himself, a close up where he wore a very seductive expression. When was this taken!? How drunk must he have been taken to let Toki take that!? "Toki..!" He drew out the name, like an unimaginably horrible threat. "This is picture of mes NOT a girl!!"

The soon-to-be Late Toki hopped off the bed, circling around behind the soon-to-be murderer, rambling happily, every word like a syringe filled with grade-A rage. "Ja! I'ves am been used dat pictures all night! I has been practicing." He pointed to the bed, which Skwisgaar realized was covered in other photos of their band mates. "I tried pictures of Pickle, and Nate-ns, but youz picture is great! It feels way more betters to kiss!"

Skwisgaar crumbled the picture in his fist, finally letting loose. "GAY DILDOS!!!"

Toki whipped around like a shot, always ready for an argument. "JEALOUS!! You just wish you had thoughts of it!"


"It is Not gays to kiss a picture!" Toki's cheeks were turning slightly red, though whether it was from anger or realizing it maybe was for only girls was uncertain. "Goils in dat movies is do it all the time!"

"Is gays to kiss pictures of ME!!" It was taking all of his guitar-honed control to keep his shaking hands from strangling him.

"So if its nots a pictures of you, den its nots gay?"


"Fine den!"

Toki grabbed Skwisgaar's slim shoulders, yanking him foreword. There was a brief moment where he thought the man was going to hit him, but instead of a hard fist on his mouth, he felt instead hot lips.

Skwisgaar froze in horror, unable to react to the sheer WRONGNESS that came from his most hated band mate (and possibly most-hated human on earth), having him kiss him like a groupie (though more forcefully, less wet) pressing his chest against his like a girl (but so much harder, muscular and toned from who-knew-what).

His hands, insured for ten million dollars, shook slightly, the instinct from far too many nights of faceless sex ordering him to grab Toki back. They came up a few inches, before he felt a bit of facial hair brush his cheek, and that was the end of that. Toki let him go, and stepped back, grinning. Skwisgaar's mouth opened, prepared to start screaming, but he was interrupted again. Not by Toki, this time, but instead by the sudden image of the inside of his eye sockets, as his baby-blues rolled back in his head, his body hitting the ground hard long after he blacked out.

Toki stood cockily over the crumpled form of his adversary for a moment, his grin triumphant, before turning to go to Skwisgaar's room, in search of the 'Best-Kisser-Alive' trophy he was sure he would find. "Ain't no gay guys kiss likes dat!!"


I bet Skwisgaar really does have a trophy like that… though it probably doesn't say 'kisser'….

Just some random fun. Hope you enjoyed! Review if you love me 3