Season three

Buffy: Well, there might be something to being the Slayer after all… it's got some definite perks. Besides the whole strength, stamina, and ass-kicking skills, it makes us different…makes us stronger. But does that make us better…what does it mean? Being a Slayer…being a human being, a young woman…being in love, and being loved… what does any of that really mean?

I'm not sure…I don't know about any of it. All I can go by is how I feel, what I think is right. Faith says that we are better, that we should be able to get away with anything, take whatever we want and need, because it's our right…she says we're balanced out by the good we do, by all the times we've saved people, sacrificed our comfort for them. But that doesn't feel right to me…that feels like an excuse, like a reason for letting yourself sink into a darkness I want no part of. Okay, well, to be honest, I can't say that I haven't wanted it before…I can't say that I haven't felt the pull of being a "bad girl," of letting myself just go, doing whatever I want with whoever I want whenever and not worrying about the consequences…because I can. Because I have that ability…not to mention bad girls always get to look way hot. Not that I think Faith's hot! I mean, she's, she's attractive, but I would never think about her /that/ way…really. Because I'm not that way. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's a very valid lifestyle choice, but I'm with Angel and I love him even if I can't have sex with him again, and he is all I'll ever want. Even if he does seem to be pulling away from me…but he's all I want, still! Not Faith. Okay? Okay.

Anyway…like I was saying…I am sort of attracted to the idea of giving into Faith's view on things sometimes. But at the same time, I can't…I can't let myself, and I won't let Faith if I can help it. I'm not sure she really understands what she's doing, what she's done… maybe deliberately, maybe not. Maybe she doesn't want to, maybe it's just an excuse so she can live with what she's done… but whatever it is, she's wrong. We're not better…we're not above everyone else. We're Slayers, not killers… and I don't want to cross that line. I can't cross it…I've seen what it's done to her, and I could never become that.

It's been so confusing this year…it's hard to know who to go to, what to say and what to keep to myself…sometimes it seems like I'd be better off alone, like that's what being the Slayer is really going to come down to in the end. I mean, I know Mom knows what I am now, and she's trying, but I'm still a little girl to her…I could never talk to her about anything having to do with this. Giles doesn't get it and never will…Willow, Xander, I love them, they're my friends, but they could never understand either. They have their lives and that's the only way they can see things, from their less freaky points of view…and I don't want to get them hurt. Even Angel doesn't seem to see things the way they really are. I thought for a little while that maybe Faith…she's the only other Slayer, the only one who could really know what we live. But now she's pulled away too, seems to be backing off further into denial of what's happened, what we did, and I don't know what to do.

Everyone is so worried about graduation, about getting into the real world, their senior year… they don't seem to get that it's just as hard in high school as it is out there. For me anyway…they can all leave, go off to their college and their jobs and their family raisings and whatever… where am I? Back here, Sunnydale, fighting off demons on a typical day's work. It's not so much that I'm doing it that bothers me…it's that I don't have a choice. I'm eighteen here, I'm growing up…but I'm not allowed to move on.

Giles: The new Slayer Faith seems quite a change from Buffy…though no doubt made of the same basic Slayer cloth, her style in fighting and instincts, her personality and outlook on the Slayer role, differ extraordinarily. In no way does this make her any less of a fighter, rather, simply different…it's quite intriguing to watch them work together. It's interesting as well that Buffy seems simultaneously to be wary of her, to become, in Faith's presence, possessive of the Slayer role she had always before resented, and also to be drawn to her in a way that seems instinctive, perhaps even unconscious. Their work in slaying seems complimentary and synchronatic even with their differing styles, and they seem aware of each other in a manner different than their awareness of others. Perhaps there lies some connection of sorts, with their shared Slayer bondage… it shall remain to be seen in the future how this will play out.

Faith is as unconventional a Slayer as Buffy, if in another manner. She too does not do well with instruction and tradition, and if anything is even more impatient and reckless than Buffy. It is difficult to extract personal information of any kind from her, though I admit that I have seldom tried very hard; I do have her files from her previous Watcher, sent to me by the Council after her death, and I know that she is two years younger than Buffy, and some of the horrors she has seen in her short time as a Slayer- and even before- are a sobering thing to read about, let alone hear from the child's lips herself. With my knowledge of this, and Faith's own difficult, closed off personality, it is hard for me to know how to treat her, in what ways I should be caring for her as a Slayer. She is not in truth my Slayer at all, nor is Buffy any longer… and though I am doing what I can for the both of them, I am afraid I am failing both miserably.

This is the most difficult time that has come for me in my duration as Buffy's Watcher, for we are at a crossroads, a turning point of sorts. I am no longer my Watcher, and she is eighteen, no longer needs answer to me if she so wishes- not that she ever did so anyway. She has betrayed me, in her liaisons with the returned Angel, and I have betrayed her, in my participation in her Cruciamentatum… and yet we have returned to a mutual respect for each other, based not merely on the Watcher/Slayer relationship. I love her now not only as my Slayer, as a child I have tried my best to guide, but as my daughter…and I like to think that she loves me almost as a father. She is pulling away from me, away from everyone, in a way that I suppose is natural for a young woman growing into her own…but something tells me that there is more to it, more than simply her attempts to come into her own. She /is/ coming into her own, and I am very proud of her…I only hope that she, and that the irrepressible Faith by association, will not let whatever it is that seems to be affecting the both of them go too far until she cannot handle it…

Xander: And I just thought that /last/ year the ladies were all over me…this year…WHOA! James Bond is knocking on /my/ door for the advice with the romance…okay…well maybe it wasn't all romantic, and maybe four girls isn't all that much…but still. FOUR girls for the X-Man isn't bad at all. Excuse me, scratch that, not "not bad"…it's breaking the hall of fame world records for Xander girl loving and sex- especially since it's the first year I ever /had/ girl loving and sex…

Okay…so maybe that's an exaggeration…well, it definitely is. I only had sex with one girl…once…and it's really kind of a blur now. But it was Faith! FAITH had sex with ME…and that has to count for something, right? I mean, when she first came into town with all the naked alligator wrestling stories and the shoulder knocks that about knocked me out on the ground- she's really strong, that does NOT mean I'm a wimp...really!- I knew she kinda liked me. I could see it in her eyes. And now that we've made love…I know she really must care about me. She's just not the kind of girl who knows how to show it, that's all…when she kicked me out of bed naked, that's just her way of saying she's uncomfortable showing what she feels. But I know she really likes me, I can see it in her eyes. I think we have this connection now…I'll have to see how it goes, work my way up in her trust…I can do it. After all, I'm much more manly and desirable this year…don't give me that look! I am…mostly.

But as if a Slayer wasn't enough- and that is still mind-blowing to think that I had sex with a Slayer- there was that weird thing with Will, and now this chick Anya, and of course I was dating Cordy too… I mean, the thing with Will, that was totally a mistake. A fluke. I don't feel good about that one at all, I wish it had never happened, that I had never hurt Cordelia like that… and that she hadn't had to get hurt physically too because of us. And it will never happen again. But still…it does mean that Willow wanted me too, and that I did kiss her- and after the first time she still wanted more. NOT that that was good!

And Anya…she is one very weird chick. Not even a chick really, ex-vengeance demon person type… but she wants me too. Is there something about me that screams out for supernatural beings to fall in love with me? Or am I just that good this year?

Of course, the one person who doesn't want me and never will…not that I want her too, of course, not anymore, because- well, just because I don't, that's all, no real reason- is with The Big Broody. Even after sending him to hell the guy still keeps coming back, like a zombie or a bad penny or one of those zits that just keeps popping up in the same exact place no matter if you use that face cream stuff or not. And even though he can't even sleep with Buffy or be happy he's STILL with her, still hogging her like the selfish undead thing he is…and she's still so wrapped up in him that she blocks us all out now, won't even tell us what's up. She LIED to us…Angel has gotten to her so much that she lied to us. I know everything's different now, that he has a soul or whatever and she says she won't be with him again…but what if she ends up doing it anyway? What would happen then if Angelus came back? We don't need another threat like that, someone trying to kill us all again…

Well I could always ask Faith to stake him. I'm sure she'd be glad to. SHE'S a Slayer who has her priorities straight as far as the bad things go…

Willow: I love Oz. I do, I really, really do. And I would /never/ want to hurt him…but that's exactly what I did. I mean, I love Xander too, but not like that…at least, not anymore. And I can't believe we did that, I can't believe I did that, that I would be one of those horrible skanky girls who breaks up couples and lies and just goes around skanking up everything she sees…that's, that's FAITH'S job, how did /I/ get into that…

But I did, and I broke them up, Xander and Cordelia, and she ended up with a rebar through her stomach, and it was all my fault…I'm so sorry for that. And still Oz doesn't hate me, he's still with me, even though I'm a horrible bad slut girl… I so don't deserve him. I deserve punishment… well for now Xander and I need to stay far, far away from each other, talking only about demons and other vicious, important, non-sexual things. Things that won't give us ANY desire to kiss or give looks of any kind that are not good. Like ones that notice how good he looks in that shirt he wore the other day, or in that tux at homecoming-

So anyway, no, no thoughts on that…magic. I'm getting really good at the magic lately, or at least I think so, way better than I was last year… my spells are almost fifty/fifty now! I think with more practice I could really get to be a pretty good witch, maybe…it's exciting, but kind of scary. I wonder how far I can really go with all this?

It's not just my relationship with Xander that's changed now though…not my RELATIONSHIP, I don't mean that, we don't have a relationship of any kind! I mean, we do, but it's a friendship, not a relationship…there is nothing relationshippy about it anymore at all! Nothing….uh, yeah though…my friendship with Buffy has changed too. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't think I'm important at all anymore, that she doesn't need me or want me around, doesn't want me to help her… she keeps saying how she doesn't want me getting hurt, that it's too much for me, but it's not, I can take care of myself! I did for a whole summer while she ran off, and I've always helped before, now it's too much for me?!

She's been pushing away from me all year. She used to tell me everything and now she lies to me, she goes off without me, we hardly ever do things together anymore…first it was because of Angel, and I can understand that sorta, I mean she loves him and all…but now Faith too? I know Faith is a Slayer and they should get along and all, but /I'm/ her best friend…what if she likes Faith better than me now because Faith is tougher and cooler and all badass? Is Buffy becoming a badass? Am I not cool enough for her anymore? Stupid Faith…I could always tell she was trying to take everything away from everyone for herself. Well actually at first I thought she was kinda cool, and I thought Buffy was paranoid thinking she'd take everything of hers…but now I see it, I get it, only she's trying to take everything from me…she's trying to take Buffy. What if Buffy lets her?

She wouldn't…I mean, I've always been there for her, I've helped her with a lot. That has to count for something…right?


Faith: Who gives a shit about any of them. Giles, Soulboy, the stupid Scoobies- even the nickname they give themselves is retarded- B… who cares what they think about me or anything I do? Not me. I don't need any of them sticking their nose into my business, judgin' me… I don't need anyone. I can look after myself. Been doin' it all my life and it seems to be goin' five by five so far…

And good thing too, 'cause none of them give a shit about me either. Red hates me, she gives me these little dirty looks when she thinks I'm not looking, looks at my clothes and makes tzhese comments like I'm some kinda slut or something. Just 'cause she's little miss virgin- whatever. I know she's just jealous, she thinks I'm gonna take B away from her and go off braiding her hair and sharing secrets or something. As if. X-Man just wants to screw me, like most guys, and now that that's over with that's all he can think about or care about. Too bad for him, I don't do with the second go kinda thing. Wolfboy's alright, he doesn't try to hump my leg or bite me or nothin', but he just watches me sometimes in this way that gives me the creeps a little…Angel too. And Giles is clueless, he wouldn't know what was up with anyone in the real world outside all the books unless you smacked him up the head with it, and even then he might fall over knocked out or something. All he cares about is Buffy, /she's/ his Slayer. She's THE Slayer- - I'm just the second rate leftover chick they go to if B has a headache or whatever.

All any of them care about is B… and how come, what is it about her that makes everyone so damn obsessed with her? She's the Slayer- so what, I'm a Slayer two. What else is there? She's not so damn perfect as they all think. Well, her ass is…but that's another story. Not gettin' into that one yet. She's self-righteous and has a stick the size of a baseball bat up her ass, and she's always whining and moaning about what a pain it is to be a Slayer and they all just feel sorry for her and let her get away with it and keep on adoring her. They think she has it so rough? She hasn't seen near the shit I have, and you don't hear me moping over it. Not that they care. Or that I do either. I don't.

B…for a Slayer, she's way too worried about followin' rules and what everyone thinks about her. I don't think she knows /what/ she wants. She acts like she's got it all figured out and she knows exactly what's up, but don't think I can't see different. I know she wants to bust out and do like me, to not give a shit. She might be stuck on Angel- god knows why- and all worried about the rules, but I know what she wants… I can see it in her eyes, feel it almost. If she'd just do what she wanted she'd be a lot happier…and so would I.

She doesn't know what the hell she wants. Sometimes she wants to be all badass, but then she pulls away and looks at me like I'm some criminal… sometimes she looks at me like she wants me, just as much as she wants what I've got..or at least she wants to be in my pants or something. But then if I make a move she shoves me away and squawks and sputters like I'm Typhoid Mary or something. Whatever…I don't need her. I don't need anyone. All I need is me. All I ever had, all I'm ever gonna get, if they wanna come along for the ride, fine…but when it comes down to it, I don't need them. Any of them.

Still…kinda wish she'd look at me like I wasn't just some stupid slut girl once in a while.