The Reinvention of Isabella Swan
AN: Thank you guys so much or your support throughout the long break on this story. As most of you know I posted an Announcement earlier but FF is sending out announcements regularly now. For those of you who did not read it I am doing a rewrite on this sotry. The key concepts are the same but just wrote a little better. Please review on what there is thus far. I promise it will not take long to be caught up to where I intially left off. Thank you. Ashley
A Time for Change
"The key to change…..is to let go of fear." Rosanne Cash
I could no longer explain anything. There was no way for me to make this unbearable pain go away. No matter what I tried it remained just below the surface, always waiting to come forth.
It wasn't like I wanted to feel this way. I was barely hanging on, just going through the motions for Charlie's sake. However it was now becoming almost unbearable altogether.
First Edward left me. It wasn't easy to get through but I did with the help of my best friend Jacob. It took time but he never gave up on me. He was right at my side, no matter what type of mood I was in he could make me smile. He was my sun and for a long time I didn't think I would have to face a day with out him.
Then as fate would have it, he left me. I couldn't believe things came to this. Jake mended my wounds after Edward left and once he left me too I was alone. I had nothing nor anybody that I could turn to. All alone in my own personal hell. No where to turn to and no where to run I was forced to realize what I had to do.
Instantly I sat up in my bed. It was 5 am and I couldn't sleep. No surprise there. Anymore if I was able to sleep I would have nightmares and wake up anyway. So I guess I would rather to not sleep at all.
It took all I had to even breath and even that hurt. There was no use in laying around so I got up and walked into the bathroom. I had to keep telling myself that nothing was going to change for me unless I started to live again.
I remember a quote from my literature class sophomore year and couldn't believe how true the words were until this very moment. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I couldn't remember who it was that originally quoted it but for some reason those words echoed in my head.
I took a hard look at myself in the bathroom mirror. No longer could I recognize the person staring back at me. The dark circles around my eyes were scary, my hair was sticking every which way. I was an awful mess and couldn't believe I allowed this to happen to me. What could I possibly be thinking that justified this in my mind?
I did in fact love Edward at one time. Despite that love I felt for him he left me, I in fact moved on. Jacob was the only reason for that. I guess I had always loved Jacob in some way. Maybe I just realized it too late. Still till this day I couldn't grasp what reason he had to just up and leave me. There were no goodbyes no explanations, he just up and went to live on the Makah reservation. I couldn't help but think that maybe I didn't mean as much to him as he lead me to believe.
It has almost been 7 months since he left, 7 months since I have been in pure hell. Now here I was all alone and fed up. I was tired out feeling this way and tired of being stuck in a situation that seemed hopeless. Unsure of what brought this new sense of fearlessness in I didn't ask many questions because I was glad.
No I cant say that I got over Jacob's betrayal and it still hurts horribly. I can't imagine it not hurting actually but I did something I swore I would never do. I lost myself. Who was I anymore? I couldn't answer that and was pretty sure that Charlie or those that knew the old me would be able to answer that question.
Who was Jacob Black -or even Edward Cullen for the matter- to make me feel this way? So hopeless and confused, so unlike me. After taking another long, hard look at myself I dug through the cabinet for Charlie's shaving kit. Once I retrieved the black leather bag I rummaged through it until I found the scissors.
The scent of Charlie's aftershave lingered in the air, attacking my senses and reminding me of a happier time when I was younger. Before I really realized what it was I was doing I had a fist full of my beautiful, waist length hair and was cutting through it.
All I could hear was the sound of the metal sheers cutting through my thick, wavy hair. I continued the motions until most of my hair laid at my feet. My appearance changed drastically. My hair now hung an inch or two above my shoulders and felt so much light.
Almost metaphorically, it was like a weight had been lifted off my back. It was different and new, just what I needed. However I needed more, maybe dye it or add a few nice highlights or something. Anything was possible.
After cleaning up all my hair and putting Charlie's shaving kit away I spotted the heavily glittered pink bag that sat way in the back of the closet. It was a gift from Alice and I never really got much use out of it. However that was all going to change.
I did my make differently then ever before. Taking special care to cover the dark circle and even out my skin tone from all the crying I have done.
I needed something that wouldn't remind me of either of them. Something that I could look in the mirror and not picture him running his hand through my hair, or burying his face in it. Something new and different for me and my sanity.
Once finished I changed my clothes and ran a brush through what remained of my hair. I figured a pair of worn-out blue jeans and a wrap sweater would be efficient for a day of shopping. My closet hasn't been updated in a long, long time and there was no better time then now to do so.
Today was the beginning of my new life. I refused to be a victim in my own personal hell anymore. Taking a deep breath I made my way downstairs to start breakfast. By now it was 7:30 and I knew he would be getting ready for work so I made enough buttermilk pancakes and country style sausage to keep him full until lunch.
Right on time he walked into the kitchen at 7:45. My back was turned toward him so I couldn't get a good look at his expression but I heard him stop dead in his tracks. After a few moments of monumentally silence I decided it was probably best if I turned around and addressed him.
"Uhhh….Bella.." He stuttered unsure of what to say. "Wow…what..um..did you do to your hair?"
I couldn't help but giggle at how he stumbled on his words. It was something I almost never saw Charlie do. A sense of guilt washed over e as I realized just how much this had affected him as well. How selfish of me to do such a thing. Looked like I would be working harder in order to make up for all the damage I caused.
Charlie looked at me with so many questions in his eyes. By now I was pretty sure he was contemplating whether or not I had finally lost it and would need to be hauled away to someplace far away.
"Well dad, I am not going to pretend that my behavior or actions haven't been a little off lately." I spoke with my new found confidence and kept me head held high. "I needed a change, I just want to be happy again." Tears formed in the corner of my eyes and threatened to break free. Charlie smiled and hugged me tighter then ever before.
"It's about damn time Bells. I was so worried about you." Now it sounded as if he would be the one to break down in tears. "Besides the hair isn't all that bad….it actually looks…..well you look beautiful dear."
He smiled, I had to smile in response. Charlie and I never were all that close but I had a plan to change all of that now. I didn't want to end up regretting or wishing I had done something different in the long run.
"Well I'm off,, another busy day at the station. What are you doing today Bella?" I couldn't tell whether or not he was joking about the busy part or not so I choose not to question it. I also couldn't help but sense the concern toward what I'd being doing today.
"Um….well I'm going shopping for a few things, but don't worry I'll be back in time to make you dinner" I joked.
"Oh well take your time I'm going to Billy's for a BBQ tonight. Unless you want to go with me?" He asked with caution.
We both knew I hadn't been back to the reservation since my fight with Jacob. I wasn't sure whether or not I would be able to keep it together if I went back. Being there, seeing the places we spent time together, smelling any traces of Jacob in the house…..any of it may prove to be too much. Then again today was the day for a change right?
"Yeah…ok…I haven't seen Billy in a long time. I would love to go" I smiled as I thought of how much I would love to see Billy again. "What time are you leaving?"
He seemed overjoyed to say the least.
"Well I will be leaving at 7, does that give you enough time?"
" Sure, sure. I will be ready." I answered and walked out to my truck with Charlie.
Little did I know that I was in for a bigger change today then I ever could've imagine.