Rough Terrain

Disclaimer: The characters are only on loan. I'll return them to the character library at the end of the month.

Author's Note: It's been a while since I've updated, and I'm feeling really guilty about it! I want to finish this story. Thanks for all the reviews and story alert subscriptions! I'm glad I have so many interested readers! Please keep up the reviews!

Chapter 5

Casey had to endure the humiliation of a rape kit. The examination was almost as bad as the rape itself. Casey felt a bit more comfortable with Melinda performing the exam. It was reassuring to have someone she trusted touching her after the horrible things she had experienced. She had survived the unthinkable; she had been attacked twice within the same week. She was able to fight Brad off before it was too late. She had not been so lucky the second time around. Her only solace was that the rape was quick. Chaz had only begun when Munch and Fin found her. If only they had arrived a few minutes earlier, she would have been saved. She couldn't blame them for what happened to her. If they had arrived later, god only knows what Chaz might have done. It made her sick that these things happened to her while she was pregnant. It wasn't fair to her unborn baby to be exposed to the risks. As Melinda continued the examination, Casey prayed silently that the baby would be okay.

"Casey, you're lucky. There are fluids present, but no tearing. There is some bruising."

"Is there enough evidence to convict the bastard?"

"You have obvious signs of rape and trauma, no jury can question that."

"What about the baby?"

"Everything internally seems fine. We'll do an ultrasound to be sure."

Casey kept flashing back to the night in her apartment with Brad, then to what happened that day in Elizabeth. She could still smell Chaz. She couldn't get the image of him out of her mind. It didn't seem real. Those things didn't happen to her; did they? It was almost statistically impossible for one person to be sexually assaulted and raped twice in the same week. Her mind raced thinking about the possibilities of what could have happened. It disgusted to think of all the things her baby could have been exposed to. She couldn't help but blame herself.

"I'm so goddamned stupid! Why did I allow this to happen? Why didn't I fight harder? Why didn't I see this coming! I'm a lawyer, I should have been smart enough!"

Casey tore herself apart. She blamed herself for everything that happened to Olivia and herself. She wondered if she would ever be able to return to her normal life after everything that had happened. She didn't feel like herself. She had been violated in every possible way. She wasn't sure she could return to her apartment after what had happened there. Her entire life was stolen from her and Casey wasn't sure how to get it all back. Her pregnancy exacerbated the problem. As much as she loved her baby, she couldn't forget the monster the baby's father was.

The next morning Casey wheeled herself to Olivia's room. She held Olivia's hand in hers. Olivia was still unconscious. She was responsible for all that had happened. She was shocked by the amount of tubes and wires affixed to her best friend. Her neck was in a cervical collar. Her head was wrapped in bandages. The blood had seeped through and destroyed the pristine white of the gauze. Olivia had been hurt on the job before, but never so severely.

"Liv, I'm so sorry this happened. It's all my fault."

Casey began to cry.

"I wish I could just drop dead. This is too much. Look at the mess I caused. How can I ever make this right?"

John came into the room as the tears began streaming down Casey's cheeks. He sat down and put his arm around her shoulder.

"Shh Casey; none of that. Come on now."

Casey broke down.

"This whole mess is my fault. I should have known Brad was trouble. I shouldn't have kept him around. I didn't handle the situation, and now look what's transpired. And now Olivia is the one paying the price."

"Casey you can't blame yourself for all of this. You had no idea this would happen. All of us have poor judgment from time to time. It's life. Casey things will get better. You have to give it time."

"I had no idea you were Mr. Optimistic John. For once, there is a conspiracy theory behind this."

"Yes, but not government conspiracy; my preferred type."

John handed Casey a tissue and she wiped her eyes. John was worried about Casey. She looked like death. She was so frail and thin. He had never seen Casey look like that even on her worst days. He knew Casey had been through hell. He prayed that she would be able to come back.

"You wanna get a cup of coffee downstairs," John asked.

Casey sighed. "Alright."

Casey was released from the hospital the next morning. She felt completely numb. She had no next step. She didn't want to go back to her apartment; the place was forever tarnished. She had no where to go. The only person she could go to was Olivia, and she was still laying unconscious in her hospital bed. She thought of checking into a hotel, at least for the present time, but all the rooms in town were booked for a huge Tupperware convention. As Casey closed her phone after calling the last hotel on her list, she broke down into tears. She was so numb she couldn't even think. She hadn't ever felt so alone. She literally had no where to go. Her nearest family lived in Massachusetts. That wasn't an option. There was only one other place she could think of.

Later that night, Casey shifted uncomfortably on the thin mattress of the bunk bed. Cragen had allowed her to stay in the crib, no questions asked. He mentioned that her apartment was cleaned up, and all the locks were changed; however she couldn't go back there just yet. Eventually she would have to face her fear, but not now. Casey tossed and turned all night. She could only think about her unborn baby. She still hadn't made a decision. After all that had happened, she wasn't sure she could have the baby. For the rest of her life, she would have a living, breathing memory of the awful things that had happened to her. She didn't know if she could live with that constant reminder. She thought about Olivia, as she herself was the product of a rape. Would Olivia hate her if she had an abortion? She didn't want to lose Olivia's friendship. She was one of the best friends she had ever had. Only Melinda and Olivia knew about the pregnancy. If she decided to terminate, no one else would ever have to know. Casey was at a loss. This was the biggest decision of her life thus far, and she had absolutely no one to turn to for help.

After sleeping for only about two hours the previous night, Casey felt half dead. She felt as if her mind was foggy. Her thoughts were slower then normal. She couldn't get herself together. She walked slower than her normal pace. Her stomach churned as she walked into the Lower Manhattan Women's Center. She had a 1 o'clock appointment. She signed in with the receptionist, and filled out her mandatory paperwork. After a few minutes, her name was called and she stepped into an exam room. She changed into the thin paper robe, and took a seat on the exam table. Her heart raced as she waited for the doctor to step into the room.

The procedure was quick. Her body felt like solid ice as the doctor worked between her legs. She felt remorse for what she was doing, but she knew there was no other way. She couldn't live the rest of her life with a souvenir of the most hellish days of her life. She couldn't bring a child into the world with half the genes of a monster. She stared up at the stained ceiling tiles with tears in her eyes, and imagined herself jumping in front of the A train.

I havent updated in a while, but I'm back! Please review! Reviews make my week!