AN: This story started out as a list written by my friends and I long ago, which then slowly began to evolve into its present incarnation. Sorry in advance for the OOCness of some of the characters, but it makes them so much more fun to torment! ^_^
This story is also on my Deviantart account (link in profile).
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Forgotten Realms characters or the FUN song. Tiria however, does belong to me (in all her organ stealing glory).
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62 Ways to Annoy Jarlaxle
Deep in the drow city of Menzoberranzan a shadow was making its way cautiously around the exterior of a large house which -curiously- had mushrooms planted around it. The shadow approached one of the mushrooms and due to a sudden random impulse gave it a poke.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled the mushroom.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the shadow.
"INTRUDER!" yelled the mushroom.
"RUN AWAY!" screamed the shadow, and away it ran.
Not long after a group of guards had assembled around the mushroom.
"Where'd the intruder go?"
"How do you expect me to know?"
"Well you are a great and powerful wizard."
"Are you insulting me warrior scum?"
"SCUM? HAVE AT YOU, YOU COWARD!"
As the fighting broke out among the guards one very small drow, just fresh from the academy, noticed an impression in the ground. Peering at it he thought it could possibly be a footprint, then again he didn't know many people with claws on their feet. Before he could come to any conclusions however he was pummeled over the head with a staff and blacked out.
On a distant side of the city the shadow was catching its breath. It took a small piece of paper out of its bag and using a glowing stone checked it. "Bregan D'areth" it muttered, "Where the hell are they? I've been all over the city already!"
As it moved to replace the paper it noticed something scrawled on the back. 'Clawrift' it read. The shadow crumpled the paper in irritation, that bit of information would have been useful to know an hour ago. The shadow stomped of in the direction of the Clawrift muttering curses.
Not long after the shadow glided into an elaborate office. After a quick check to make sure it was empty it removed its black cloak and placed it on the back of a nearby chair. The wolverine anthromorph smoothed down her fur and then casually took a seat at the desk. Reaching into her bag she took out a scroll and began to read.
62 Ways to Annoy Jarlaxle
1. Show up uninvited.
2. Bypass all the guards and pop up suddenly in his office.
"Well I've done that part," said the wolverine to herself as a red pen materialized out of thin air. Taking the pen she put checkmarks next to the first two lines. As she was looking over the next few lines there was a commotion outside the door and a drow rushed into the room. The wolverine glanced at the large purple hat that covered his bald head and then at his cloak which shimmered with all the colours of the rainbow. "I'm guessing you're Jarlaxle," she said calmly.
"Who in the name of Lloth are you? And how did you get into my office? Guards! Get in here NOW!"
There was a patter of feet outside the door and the wolverine jumped up from the desk. Crossing the room in one bound she slammed the door closed and cast a quick locking spell. She turned back to Jarlaxle with a triumphant expression on her face "Ha ha, now the poor little drow doesn't have any minions to help him. Oh whatever will the poor little drow do?" She cackled evilly as four throwing daggers slammed into the wall next to her head.
Jarlaxle, who hadn't actually been aiming to miss, looked shocked, but only for a second. Brushing a bit of invisible dirt from his cloak he made an admirable effort to look as though this sort of occurrence wasn't in the least unusual. "My dear-" he looked the wolverine over and made a quick guess "-Madame, I hope that I did not harm you, it's just that I hadn't been expecting you for a little while yet."
"You were never expecting me..." replied the wolverine.
Jarlaxle looked slightly taken aback but he continued on "You must pardon me, but I' m afraid I can't remember your name."
"It's Tiria..." said the wolverine named Tiria.
"And to what pleasure do I owe this visit Lady Tiria?" asked Jarlaxle, hoping that his wizards would hurry up and break the seal on the door.
"I'm conducting research on what makes you tick." replied Tiria nonchalantly.
Tiria glanced down at the list again.
3. Steal his hat.
4. Steal his eye-patch.
5. Super-glue his hat to his head.
6. Super-glue one of those outrageous beehive hairdos to his head.
Walking over to Jarlaxle she removed his hat and placed it on her head. Before Jarlaxle could find something to say Tiria slipped off his eye-patch and draped it over one ear.
"WHAT THE?" exclaimed Jarlaxle "GIVE THOSE BACK!" He lunged at Tiria who easily side-stepped him.
"Sure." Tiria said as she poured a bunch of extra fast drying super-glue into his hat. She then smooshed his hat back onto his head, counted to twenty and then ripped the hat back off again.
"OWWWWW!" yelled Jarlaxle, who felt as though he'd just been scalped.
Tiria then made her way back to her bag among a shower of daggers and pulled out a huge pink beehive that could not realistically have fit inside of it. This beehive had everything: the model ships, stuffed birds, flowers, strawberry cake and one rather decrepit looking shoe. Dumping in yet another load of glue she shoved the metre high monster on Jarlaxle's head and held the struggling drow still so the glue could dry.
7. Take control of all his soldiers.
8. Take control of his lieutenants.
9. Summon destructive demons in his office while he's away and then look at him innocently when he comes back.
10. Make up excuses for everything.
Three hours later Tiria was back in the chair behind what remained of the desk. Jarlaxle sat tied in a chair across from her carefully guarded by four soldiers. "Kimmuriel go get me some roasted orc." she commanded the psychic drow. He looked at her questioningly, but hurried from the room.
"Why in the world did you have to summon demons here?" Jarlaxle demanded in a tone that promised a slow and painful death.
"Oh, that... my paw slipped when I was moving one of my scrolls." said Tiria as she checked off the tenth line on her list.
11. Pretend he doesn't exist.
12. Stare at him like a cat.
Jarlaxle was annoyed. No matter how he yelled at this thing that had invaded his office he wasn't getting anywhere. In fact the creature seemed to be ignoring him completely! "Now listen here you sorry excuse for a sentient being. You have no right barging in here and disrupting my operations. I demand that you release me and leave!"
Tiria's eyes finally came to rest upon the unfortunate drow and Jarlaxle was somewhat sorry he'd spoken. Now instead of ignoring him it seemed to be looking into his very soul. He shifted uncomfortably but Tiria's focus didn't waver.
13. Ignore what he's saying and then ask for him to repeat it over and over again.
"Please untie me!" begged Jarlaxle "I need to go to the washroom!"
Tiria looked up for the fifth time "Pardon? I seem to have missed what you said, could you tell me again what it is you wanted?"
14. Break into hysterical laughter whenever you see him.
15. Gossip about him.
Later, a free Jarlaxle was wandering around his compound when he turned a corner to find Tiria whispering to two of his soldiers. The anthromorph glanced over at him and began to snicker uncontrollably. His face flushed and as he stormed off he could hear hysterical laughter echoing along the corridors behind him.
16. Ask him who cooks his meals.
17. If he says that he does make a point of bringing him lunch for two weeks.
18. If someone else does, blackmail him or her into putting sleeping poison in the food.
"Hey Jarlaxle." said Tiria after sneaking up behind the drow as he was campaigning to regain control of his solders. Jarlaxle flinched when he heard her voice and turned around slowly to regard her. "I was just wondering who cooks your food?"
Jarlaxle gave her a calculating look. "Well normally I get one of my servants to make my meals, but with you around I think I should perhaps cook for myself."
"Oh... well, have fun!" she said as she wandered off.
19. When he's asleep draw on his face with whiteout.
After the fires caused by Jarlaxle's failed cooking experiments in the kitchen had been put out (He had then been forced to have someone else make his food and was thus drugged) Tiria snuck into the mercenary leader's room. The beehive, which had been unstuck among much screaming, lay discarded on the floor. Removing a small bottle from her bag Tiria unscrewed the lid and began the amusing task of turning Jarlaxle's face into a sketchpad.
20. Give him kidney-shocks when he's least expecting it.
21. Talk about things he doesn't understand.
"Hey Jarlaxle, have you ever heard of molecules?" asked Tiria excitedly as the mercenary leader was attempting to eat breakfast.
"No, I can't say I have." replied Jarlaxle in the world's most uninterested voice.
"Reaaally? Well we're all made of molecules and their really really small, you need a special microscope in order to see them at all!-"
"Yes very interesting... now if you'll excuse me." Jarlaxle stood up and had almost made it out of reach when claws gave him a sharp poke in the sides. Jarlaxle jumped and spun around to face Tiria. "What the hell was that for?"
"Oh, no reason." replied Tiria cheerfully as she skipped off.
22. Put a camera in his room and then show all of Bregan'Dareth the tape in the morning.
23. Dress like him.
A few mornings later Jarlaxle wandered into the breakfast hall only to discover that the rest of Bregan'Dareth was already there and was seated in front of a huge screen. At the front of the room Tiria was explaining something in a loud voice and had apparently raided Jarlaxle's wardrobe during the night.
"What are you doing now?" asked Jarlaxle with a hint of irritation.
"I'm just showing this tape of what you were doing last night and quite honestly I think it could make one of the top selling porn tapes in the history of Menzoberranzan!"
Jarlaxle paled and began diving through the crowd in an effort to reach the front. "Guards restrain him!" commanded Tiria. So it was that Jarlaxle was tied up and all of Bregan'Dareth got to see what it was that their infamous leader was really doing all night long.
24. Replace the feather in his hat with a spatula.
25. Ask him if he's ever going to get married.
26. Replace his wardrobe with many frilly pink dresses.
27. Make sure that he can't find his missing clothes.
Morning came to the Underdark (not literally of course... but something along those lines.) Jarlaxle opened the doors to his walk in closet and gasped in shock. All his stylish clothes had been replaced with a horde of frilly pink dresses! Only his hat remained where he'd left it, but its magnificent feather had been replaced with a strange utensil that the well-versed mercenary had never come across before (a spatula! Duh duh dum!). Not wanting to walk around without any clothes on Jarlaxle struggled into one of the dresses and stomped from the room.
Four hours later he still couldn't find any of his old clothes and he was getting thoroughly annoyed with his soldiers whistling and cat calling in his direction. Just as he was about to give up and go back to his chambers he came across Tiria. "Where are my clothes?" he demanded angrily.
"Oh those old things... I'm sorry but I'm not allowed to tell you."
"Not ALLOWED to tell me! On whose authority?"
"The authoresse's. She's writing the story you see and because I'm her alter ego she sends me in to do her bidding. Oh and I'm supposed to ask if you're ever going to bother getting married or just spend your life jumping from one person to another?"
Jarlaxle threw his hands in the air in defeat and with an irritated cry left.
28. Invite Lloth over for tea and biscuits.
29. Invite a bunch of halflings into his office and shrug when he notices all his stuff is missing.
30. Refuse to be got rid of in any way.
There were quiet giggles coming from behind the door. Jarlaxle poked his head in cautiously and found himself looking down at a small group of halflings. They grinned up at him and ran through a small portal. Shifting his gaze to the rest of the room Jarlaxle felt his knees go weak. Lady Lloth, goddess of the drow was sitting at a table in all her arachnid glory and seemed to be having a cup of tea with Tiria. Drawing a wand from a fold in the pink dress (He still hadn't managed to find his clothes) he pointed it in Tiria's direction. With a whispered word he sent a powerful lightning bolt towards the unsuspecting wolverine anthromorph. The bolt struck home and Jarlaxle began to jump with joy.
"Ahem..." said a familiar voice which punctured his happy bubble. Looking over he saw Tiria looking at him, completely unharmed by the attack.
"B-but..." stammered Jarlaxle "That should have killed you!"
Tiria looked down at her list, which had mysteriously appeared. "It says here that I must refuse to be got rid of in any way."
Jarlaxle swore and slammed the door closed behind him as he left.
"Don't mind him." said Tiria to Lloth "He's just a bit touchy at the moment, PMS and stuff."
31. Beat him in a sparring match.
Tiria wandered into the training hall one morning to find Jarlaxle standing in front of the rack of weapons wearing a smug grin. "I challenge you to a duel!" he declared, puffing his chest out. Tiria glanced at her list and after confirming that a duel was actually required she rolled the list up and slid it into a pocket hidden in her belt.
"Alright, just don't complain when you loose." She said as a sword appeared in her hand.
Jarlaxle eyed the sword unkindly. "You need to use one of these weapons." He said and pointed to the rack.
"No I don't." replied Tiria "Besides, I already now that you rigged them so they'd break the second I tried to use them in a defensive maneuver."
Jarlaxle's face contorted in anger. "Fine, have it your way. You'll still feel the bite of my blades!" He rushed forwards drawing daggers from his belt that he elongated with a word.
Tiria waited for the drow to get near her before swinging the blade up diagonally. Jarlaxle rolled around the attack and lunged at Tiria's exposed left flank. There was a flask of fur and Jarlaxle was sent staggering back across the room, blood flowing from deep scratch marks in his chest. He looked up in anger and Tiria made a point to lick the blood from her claws. "Still think you can win?" she asked calmly. Jarlaxle snarled in response and sent a stream of daggers her way. The daggers flew wide and Tiria rolled her eyes. "You can't beat me with projectile weapons." She told him as she took a step forward. She brought her sword up in front of her in a two handed grip and pointed it directly at the drow. " You lose." She said calmly as a burst of green light shot from the tip of the sword.
Jarlaxle let his broach absorb the blast, a sly smile on his lips. Looking down at the precious item he suddenly grew nervous, the broach was glowing bright green. He looked up at Tiria in confusion. Tiria smiled and took a few steps backwards. "Goodnight!" She said cheerfully as the broach exploded, knocking Jarlaxle out cold.
32. Threaten him and when he's on his guard don't do anything.
33. Stress him out.
"Hey Jarlaxle…" Tiria called tauntingly. "You better stop trying to get into there."
Jarlaxle looked over from where he was trying to break into his office. "Oh go away. This was once my office you know. I just want to get something from inside…"
Tiria looked over at the drow, tilted her head to one side and bared her fangs playfully. "But the office is mine now and I don't appreciate you trying to poke around in my stuff." Her voice was soft, yet Jarlaxle could sense some great threat coming from the anthromorph. He looked back at Tiria again and felt the blood drain from his face. "Get out of here." Tiria snarled, no longer playful. "And the next time I see you I'll tear you apart!" she lunged at him and he barely got out of her reach. Jarlaxle dashed down the hall, not daring to look back over his shoulder. Tiria watched him go and smirked.
Later that day Jarlaxle crept into the kitchens. His soldiers (who were now really Tiria's) had been warning him not to go anywhere near Tiria, that the wolverine anthro was in an evil mood and searching throughout the base for him. He poked his head around the counter and froze. There sat Tiria, looking strait at him. The anthromorph grinned evilly and Jarlaxle felt sweat forming on his forehead. He edged back out of the kitchen and bolted into the nearest room, shutting and locking the door.
34. Sing happy songs at the top of your lungs.
35. Put whoopy cushions everywhere.
36. Learn the drow hand code.
Still in stealth mode Jarlaxle was creeping around the Bregan'Dareth compound the morning after his near death experience when he heard someone singing enthusiastically from down the hall. Curious he crept up to the door from which the sound was resonating and peered inside. Tiria stood at the front of a large gathering of drow and seemed to be leading them in a chorus.
"F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and me. N is for anywhere and anytime at all down here-- "
"STOP!" Jarlaxle yelled, somehow managing to make himself heard over the many voices. Tiria looked at him expectantly.
"Yes?" she asked.
"Drow shouldn't sing such songs, it's bad for their morality and goes completely against their nature."
Tiria waved her hand lazily and the group of drow parted in the middle, leaving a clear path between Jarlaxle and herself. "Step forward and I might consider your argument."
Jarlaxle took a cautious step forwards. A loud farting noise came from beneath his foot and he jumped back in alarm.
"Pay it no mind." Tiria said calmly to Jarlaxle, and then to the rest of the drow. "He must have eaten too many beans recently." They snickered quietly and some of them pinched their noses. Jarlaxle felt his face flush but determined to save his soldiers from deteriorating into peace-loving, anti-war individuals stepped forwards again.
Another step proved to be equally lucky, however on the third step there was yet another loud farting sound. The assembled drow snickered again. Jarlaxle proceeded down the aisle watching his feet, yet the whoopy cushions seemed determined to avoid his scrutiny.
When he finally reached the wolverine anthromorph Jarlaxle's face was flushed with humiliation. He gave Tiria an evil look and signed in the drow hand code 'I hate you more then you'll ever know'.
Tiria just grinned and signed back 'Nice dress'.
37. Inform him the drow spelt backwards is 'word' then laugh.
"Hey Jarlaxle, guess what!"
Jarlaxle stared at the anthromorph with suspicion. "What?"
"Drow spelt backwards is 'word'!" Tiria exclaimed happily laughing and pranced off down the corridor.
38. Find out as much of his background as you can.
*spoilers alert if you haven't read the Sellswords trilogy*
Jarlaxle was sitting in a small room that he had commandeered and turned into a makeshift office for himself when Tiria burst into the room.
"Wow! You have a really interesting past!" she exclaimed, leaning on the small desk and running one claw along its polished surface.
"You know nothing about me" he said coldly, resuming his study of a large green gem.
Tiria took a deep breath and then said really quickly and all in one breath. "ThenhowdoI- knowthatyou'rethethirdbornsonofhouseBaenreandthatwhe nyourmothertriedtosacrificeyouit- didn'tworkbecausematronOblodrawasusingakineti cbarrieronyoujusttopissheroffandthatwhen- thesecond-boypickedyouuphowheexplodedfromthereleas eoftheenergyandthenthatmatron- Baenreseesyouasuntouchablebecauseofit."
Jarlaxle gaped in shock as his brain slowly took in what Tiria had just said. "…How… do you know that?!"
"Kimmuriel" she replied fondly.
39. Belittle him.
40. Wear high-heels and laugh at his shortness.
One day as Jarlaxle was walking around the corner in one of the hidden passages in the Bregan'Dareth complex he ran smack into a wall of fur. Looking up he was startled to see Tiria looming over him.
"Move it short man" Tiria commanded in a booming voice.
Jarlaxle stepped aside and stared open mouthed as Tiria clomped off down the passageway in three-foot platform shoes.
41. Install burglar alarms and set them off constantly.
42. Have more money then he does.
43. Spend all his money on cat food.
The Drow of Bregan'Dareth stumbled left and right clutching their ears as a shrill ringing echoed through the halls. Jarlaxle flung himself at the doors to his former office in a panicked attempt to get inside. To his great surprise the doors swung open inward on the first hit, sending him sprawling head over heels into the room. The ringing ceased suddenly and Jarlaxle rolled to his knees, massaging his aching head.
"Your damn alarm keeps going off! What could you possibly own that's valuable enough to--" Jarlaxle froze mid-sentence as he opened his eyes; all around the room was stacked piles and piles of gold, silver and precious gemstones.
"It's not my fault that people keep trying to steal my money." Tiria whined, keeping a close eye on Jarlaxle's hands just in case he decided to try and grab a souvenir.
"T-this is more then I could have made in a century! Other then harassing people what do you do for a living?"
"It's quite simple. I'm an alter ego. I get paid as much or as little as my authoress feels like giving me."
Jarlaxle gazed around the room in awe. "It might just be more then my current fortune…"
"That's obvious. This morning I spent pretty much all of your money on cat food." Tiria pointed out.
"YOU DID WHAAAAAT?"
44. Nag him about everything.
45. Complain all the time.
46. Cause general chaos.
"Jarlaxle! Your dress is all dirty! Hold still so I can wash it!"
Jarlaxle sprinted across the room, holding the pink dress up about his knees so that it wouldn't hinder his escape. Behind him giant globs of water and soap erupted against the floor, sending furniture and drow bystanders alike flying through the air.
As one glob landed just off to his right he called back. "I don't want a bath and YOU CAN'T MAKE ME HAVE ONE!"
"Give it up!" Tiria yelled, sending out a barrage of giant bubbles. "You're just a sissy who refuses to keep up his appearance!"
"Only because you STOLE ALL MY CLOTHES!"
"All I ever hear from you is 'ohhh my clothes, why'd you go and steal them' or 'give me back my office'. It's annoying. Can't you think of all the great things I've done for you? Eh?"
Jarlaxle glanced back at the disheveled room. "You haven't done any good!" he yelled, and then bolted, slamming the door behind him.
47. Give him sex-ed. lessons.
Tiria waited patiently in a doorway, leaning against the jamb. When Jarlaxle passed by she grinned evilly and snatched the mercenary leader off his feet, dragging the struggling drow into a small room with one large chair –that seemed to have been stolen from a torture chamber- bolted to the ground in the centre. She strapped him into the chair with mild satisfaction and then stood in front of him with a grin gracing her snout.
"Now what?" Jarlaxle asked irritably once he had confirmed that he was, in all actuality, stuck.
Tiria pulled a large scroll from the air and unrolled it with a flick of her wrist. Jarlaxle's eyes went wide when he saw the pictures and little labels on the scroll. "Today," Tiria said cheerfully, "I'm going to teach you about sexually transmitted diseases and all the misery they'll cause you!"
48. Wonder aloud.
49. Point out the obvious all the time.
50. When he's angry baby talk to him.
"Oooooooh… I wonder what that pretty light is?" Tiria cooed, gazing transfixed at a small glowing dot on the ceiling.
"Does it really matter all that much that you need to block off this corridor?" Jarlaxle demanded. "No wait that's a stupid question, you don't seem to need a valid reason for anything."
"Neither do the drow, especially matrons… and one pompous mercenary leader…"
"…Matrons?… Yes I guess that's true and… WAIT A MINUTE! DID YOU JUST CALL ME POMPOUS?"
"Awww, is da pooor wittle drowy mad. Did I hurwt his feewings?"
51. Take control of his mind for a day.
Jarlaxle woke up on the floor. He looked about, unsure of what had just happened. Sitting up his eyes were drawn to a large screen on one wall. Shuffling over he noticed a green button on a panel below the screen. Pressing the button carefully he moved back and took a seat on the floor. The movie started up and Jarlaxle was mortified to see himself wearing all manners of strange clothes and striking sexy poses as bright lights flashed and a crowd cheered.
"Why don't I remember any of this?" He cried to the ceiling as the movie continued playing, showing one horror after another.
52. Turn him into a bunny-rabbit.
Jarlaxle was eating breakfast gloomily when he heard faint chanting behind him. Whirling around he yelped as a giant ball of light hit him. When he could see again he moved to rub his eyes with his hand only to realize that his hand was no longer there! In its place was a small, fur-covered paw.
"What have you done to me?" he squeaked desperately.
"Nothing. Just turned you into a bunny-rabbit.
"What in the name of Lloth is a bunny-rabbit?"
"What you are." Tiria responded calmly. " I thought it would be a good idea to teach the drow about one of the many surface creatures."
"Turn me back or I'll… I'll bite you!"
Tiria leaned down and gave Jarlaxle a dangerous look. "I'll have you know that wolverines don't have anything against eating rabbits, even if they are drow flavoured."
Jarlaxle stood frozen as Tiria picked him up and handed him to Kimmuriel. "See Kimmy. This is a bunny-rabbit. Be nice. They're liable to die of a heart attack at any time."
53. Bring in a bunch of spiders and then squish them.
54. Make it so whenever he takes a step his boots go 'poing!'.
55. Dump buckets of cold water on his head.
No longer cute and fuzzy Jarlaxle paced anxiously around a small balcony overlooking the Clawrift. He had sent a message to one of his outside contacts and was waiting for new clothes to be delivered when a torrent of icy cold water fell on his head.
"Aaaaahh! Brain freeze!" he exclaimed in shock as the water somehow managed to fall right through his hat.
"Jalaxle I brought you a present!" Tiria called from higher up on the rock face.
"Thanks… I appreciate it… really." He said sarcastically, wringing out his hat and patting his head dry with the sleeve of his dress.
"No not the water silly! It's inside. Come and see!"
Jarlaxle sighed and turned towards the door back into the compound. He needed to change out of the wet clothes if he wanted to be at all presentable for the messenger. Who, he had instructed, was to be blindfolded on pain of death.
When he walked into his room he heard a curious crunching sound beneath his boot. Looking down he realized with horror that he had just stepped on a spider!
Tiria appeared and came tromping through the sea of spiders, squishing them happily. Jarlaxle winced with each step she took. "Whaaat? Don't you want to squish spiders with me?" she asked innocently. When he didn't reply she frowned. "Fine, be a spoil-sport then. Let's see what you get for it." She jabbed a talon into his chest and sent him stumbling backwards. "Leave me to my stomping then."
Jarlaxle was glad to be out of the room. He started down the hall.
Poing, poing, poing.
Jarlaxle screamed in frustration.
56. Tell Drizzt all his secrets.
Jarlaxle walked into the kitchen one morning and discovered Drizzt sitting with Tiria drinking hot chocolate. They both became suddenly silent and looked up at him with innocent expressions on their faces.
"What are you telling him?" Jarlaxle demanded.
Tiria looked away and replied coyly. "Oh… just a bit of this and that."
Jarlaxle glared. "You're ruining my mysterious persona!"
57. Lecture him whenever he makes any decisions.
58. Tell whomever he's planning to fight all about it.
"I don't think it's a good idea to go and fight those goblins… it's not very nice for them and just think about it. Do you really think you have the right to put the lives of your own warriors in danger." Tiria said sternly.
"They're goblins… they're incapable of organizing any kind of defense."
"…But these ones know you're coming…"
"And how would they know that?" Jarlaxle asked in a droning tone.
"Because I told them." Tiria replied.
59. Get his lieutenants to go on strike.
Kimmuriel and Rai'guy came up to Jarlaxle one dark afternoon as he was stomping about the compound.
"We're here to tell you that we're officially back under your control." Kimmuriel stated calmly.
Jarlaxle stared in disbelief until Kimmuriel repeated himself, just in case he hadn't made himself clear the first time. Jarlaxle's face split into a giant grin.
"Finally!" he exclaimed. "Together we may be able to drive that beast from our home and peace and sanity will once again return!"
The two lieutenants watched grimly as Jarlaxle burst into maniacal laughter.
"Umm… there's one bad bit of news…" Rai'guy said meekly. "As of today we're on strike."
Jarlaxle froze mid-laugh.
"I think he went into shock." Rai'guy remarked.
Kimmuriel tilted his head. "No. A mental breakdown is more like it."
60. Set rabid fan-girls upon him.
For a drow Jarlaxle had become quite pale. He had circles under his eyes and if he had hair it would most certainly have been tangled into one big mat. When he found Tiria she was standing in front of a large door that was straining at its hinges. Loud thumping noises could be heard coming from the behind the door.
Jarlaxle looked at the door with blank eyes and spreading his arms wide he cried. "I don't care anymore! Unleash whatever terror you will upon my poor broken body and soul. Nothing could ever plunge me into a deeper state of depression then what you've already put me through!"
Tiria rolled her eyes. "Want to bet?" she asked as she flung wide the doors.
They came as a wave. Fan-girls of all size and description flung themselves desperately towards the shocked mercenary leader. Before he could even raise his arms in a desperate effort to protect himself they washed over him. Their screeches of glee assaulting his ears as their many hands groped and pawed at him.
"Alright! I admit I may have lied! Now GET THEM OFF OF ME you heartless beast!
Tiria peered towards the drow's form, buried beneath the pile of writhing bodies. "Sorry… I can't."
"There isn't anything in this world strong enough to stop a pack of rabid fan-girls." She explained solemnly.
61. Threaten to have him neutered.
Jarlaxle sat huddled beneath a blanket (because the fan-girls had stolen all his clothes). Despite being covered in hickey marks he seemed quite recovered from the experience.
"You could have all of them come back in one by one." He remarked slyly.
Tiria glared. "Don't make me neuter you, boy."
62. And finally, write fan-fictions about him and then show him how you can get him to do anything you want and he can't change it.
Tiria pranced around the Bregan'Dareth compound happily. She'd finally be able to return to the surface world after so long in the dark. Not that it hadn't been a fun experience; it was just that she was getting tired of roast orc and mushrooms. Packing up all the scrolls, whoopy cushions, dresses and other props she took one last look around the office.
"Well now. I'd say that's about it."
"What's about it?" demanded Jarlaxle as he burst into the room, completely giving away the fact that he'd been listening in on her.
"My stay here." Tiria replied.
"You're… leaving?" Jarlaxle asked, suddenly struck dumb.
"Yup. All I need to do is show you this."
Tiria drew a thin stack of papers from behind her back and handed them to him.
"What is this?" Jarlaxle asked, bemused.
"It's the story my authoress was writing. About all the things that can make you tick."
"This?" Jarlaxle waved the stack of papers around. "This is what ruined my life for these past few weeks? They shall be burned so that no one shall ever read about this!"
"You don't really think that my authoress would be stupid enough to give you the only copy, do you?"
Jarlaxle glared. "Damnations! Foiled again!"
"Anyway, it's been nice knowing you." Tiria said cheerfully and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.
Not long afterwards all the mushrooms around a certain drow house were blasted to smithereens. Maniacal laughter could be heard receding into the distance.
- - -
Congrats to those who made it to the end (yeah I know it was a pretty long one…)!
I'd love to hear what you think of it, so R&R if you have some spare time. ^_^
There might be more of these in the making *starts plotting*