Warnings: Kinda random, satire, shameless plugging, includes feature-tags in the story, yaoi and yuri references (in a satirical manner of course), gender-bending, multiple AUs, minor crude language, some crude humor, includes short omake at the end
Disclaimers: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto Masashi, Shounen Jump, and affiliates. Not me. Random time/dimension traveling Narutos are also not mine. Kazama Arashi (the incarnation shown anyway) is mine... sorta (read Imminence to understand). Yumeko is also kinda mine – made her up on the spot, literally. Written as a birthday gift to Corselli. Hope you like it, Riley! Very few characters are meant to resemble Naruto in any way other than fanfictional; all mockery of time travel fics is intentional - but don't be offended, I write them too. Any likeness to a character you havecreated is probably coincidental... maybe...
Featuring: TimeTravel!Naruto, DimensionTravel!Naruto, TimeandDimensionTravel!Naruto... well, you get the gist.
Time Travel Travesty
The line between the here and now blurred. At least, that was how it felt at the time, but Yumeko could not be called upon to reliably state what, precisely, happened, because it just sort of happened. One minute she was separated from her team as they did their respective aspects of the current mission, the next everything was just...
Well, as previously stated, Yumeko could not say what happened. She simply didn't know. What she did know, however, was that as her eyes adjusted, there seemed to be a glob of yellow hovering over her. It was a spiky yellow glob at that, with a skin-colored core, two blue eye-ish spots, and a body sprouting off in some direction that Yumeko couldn't recall if it was called left or platypus. She was leaning toward the latter.
"Let me guess," asked what was undeniably the slowly sharpening shape, "you're from the future?"
Completely flabbergasted, Yumeko just blinked up at the glob. These blinks, as it just so happened, finished the process that her mind had started and cleared up her vision enough to see properly.
The glob was, in fact, a man. Beyond that, he was a man who looked quite a lot like her father. Identical even, though that was ridiculous, because the only person identical to her father was her twin who... but she was getting ahead of herself, wasn't she?
"Hm, I guess this one isn't here by her own doing," the man spoke again, his voice clear and commanding. His form withdrew until he was only at the edge of her vision and seemed to address someone beyond her. "Cross out jutsu and Kyuubi, I think. Can one of you guys make yourself useful and get her talking? And you two Narukos, quit fighting!"
Strangely familiar hands grabbed Yumeko's shoulders and settled her into a seated position before she could protest. Her fist flew toward the person, only to stop. That... was her father? But no, he was about her age, maybe a bit older, and had two sets of three scars on his cheeks, like whiskers. In fact, they looked like - but no, that couldn't be right either... right?
"Eto..." She trailed off, not even knowing what to say. 'What the hell?' sounded about right.
"Your first time traveling? It can be pretty bad," the teenage apparition of her father nodded his head and scratched scars on his cheeks, his voice certainly a plausible match for her father's at the same age. "Not to worry, we'll have you sorted out soon enough. Oi! Naruto! No, not you! Um... the one in the back? No! I meant the one without the clown suit!"
"It's not a clown suit!" That voice, too, was exactly as she had imagined her father would have sounded when he was younger.
"It's orange; you stick out like a kunai in the gut!" Hollered back the attending not-her-dad. "Now get over here ANBU!Naruto, or so help me... Er, okay, I can't do much, but dad can! Hm... Maybe a Naruko would help?" He paused in thought, then looked at Yumeko, as if to give her a once-over. "So... what's your name, what are the names of your parents, and what year is it where you come from? Any information on the Kyuubi no Kitsune, Akatsuki, and Orochimaru is a plus."
Yumeko snapped out of it to glare at the boy-who-was-not-her-father. "I'm Namikaze Yumeko, known in the bingo books as The Nightmare Storm. My father was Namikaze Naruto and my mother was Yamanaka Ino -"
"Ino?!" Many voices in the background made gagging noises and voiced protests.
"That Uchiha fangirl?"
"Better her than Sakura I guess."
"Noooo! But what about Sasuke?!" (1)
Yumeko would rather not contemplate what was implied by the last horror-filled cry.
They died down soon enough – if one considers five-minutes of horror, giggles, and/or victorious cries "soon" - and the not-her-dad gestured for her to continue answering her questions. By that time the "ANBU!Naruto" (whatever the hell that meant) had arrived and was staring at her. He looked about the same age as her dad, but a lot more... cynical.
"Ano... right... um, it's been about forty-something years since the Kyuubi attack I guess, and Akatsuki caught its jinchuuriki, Uchiha Itachi, a while back." More shock and horror, but Yumeko continued. Everyone knew this stuff! "Itachi-ji managed to take a bunch of them down of course, and Dad helped. Orochimaru-jii (2) helped too. But he didn't make much headway from what Dad says, since he was fighting Gama-teme." At the look of curiosity from the ANBU!Naruto, she continued. "Jiraiya."
"Wait.... what?" Yumeko could now see many blond... people looking at her in surprise. The one who voiced this was a girl with short blond hair and the same scars on her cheeks as her father had. "But... why would Ero-sennin be fighting against Konoha... and what do you mean Hebi-teme was helping?"
"Jiraiya of the Densetsu no Sannin left Konoha when Tsunade-hime died to seal the Kyuubi into Itachi-ji," Yumeko furrowed her brow. Wasn't this common knowledge? She'd certainly never had to explain it to anyone. "But Itachi-ji's clan didn't want him anymore, so Orochimaru-jii adopted him. Ojii-chan and Obaa-chan raised him mostly with my dad, so he's my uncle... and why wouldn't Orochimaru-jii help? He was the Hokage until about then!"
Throughout the short story, there were a multitude of protests, but Yumeko couldn't care less. Why the hell were there so many people who looked like her dad?! Even the girls looked a lot like that old jutsu he invented, Oiroke.
"Will someone please tell me what's going on?! I was just on a mission and now you've kept me!" She pouted at them. The puppy dog eyes always worked on the men in her family, so perhaps all these look-alikes would be no exception.
In the end, they cracked, and Yumeko was introduced to each of the blondes present.
ANBU!Naruto was an ANBU captain from age 7 who was sent thirty years into the past – he wouldn't be born for another few years, like the rest of the Narutos.
Kazama Arashi, once Uzumaki Naruto, had been raised in this time from age 5, though he was actually ten years older than he was. He was currently about 12, and had been a chuunin for six years. (3)
There were six Rokudaime!Naruto, all of whom had similar stories; Konoha had fallen/was falling, and they used time travel in hopes of saving it.
The Hachidaime!Naruto just did it for kicks.
Hanyou!Naruto had fox ears and six of Kyuubi's tails. That was pretty impressive to Yumeko, since Itachi-ji could only use three before he forgot who he was.
There were three Jinchuuriki!Naruko, who seemed to just be female versions of Yumeko's father; disturbingly enough, one expressed jealousy at Yumeko's father getting together with Yamanaka Ino, and not in a "she would be a cool mom" sort of way.
Gay!Naruto was "secretly" lusting after Sasuke, and had gone back in time to keep him from defecting.
Uke!Naruto was "secretly" lusting after Kakashi and tried dimension travel to find a world where Kakashi was gay. This was the Naruto who had been so helpful.
There was a Namikaze Minako, the female version of Yumeko's grandfather, who used dimension travel to conquer Uchiha Madara, but she was now stuck in this reality.
Kana, Risa, Eri, Saeko, and Naru were all Naruto's daughters by Hinata who went back in time to meet their grandparents.
Hana, Yukie, Maria, and Yoshimi were Naruto's daughters by Sakura who went back into time to prevent their parents from getting together; they very much disliked the color pink.
Eventually, Yumeko just stopped paying attention as she was introduced to hundreds of different versions of her father.
"That's all well and good," she sighed, "but how do I get back to my time and my universe?"
Minato, the Yondaime Hokage who was apparently the blob she had seen, looked up from where he seemed to be taking notes about something. A sort of sad smirk appeared on his face and Yumeko's stomach dropped.
"Sorry, one-way trip. When you go back in time, you can't go forward except through the natural course," he continued making notes. "Trust me, I've been stuck with some of these nut-jobs for years. They're the reason I had Uzumaki Kushina assassinated. I'm working on a jutsu to send you all of somewhere else, but until then I need to preserve my sanity. Bitch was asking for it anyway."
Yumeko's jaw dropped. "But... I thought -"
"I've taken every step to ensure none of you are ever born," Yumeko's eyes widened at that. "Every step."
At that point, Yumeko felt her stomach lurch at just what that implied.
Oh no. Gods no. She was stuck with these people, and her father was never going to be born and -
"Right, times up," Minato closed his notes. "To the walls the lot of you. We have one more drop-off scheduled for today. In 3, 2, 1 -"
A loud bang echoed and Yumeko dived to the ground. When she looked up again, her jaw made contact with the floor. Red hair, green eyes... it seemed that her grandmother had come along...
As a man.
"Everyone, meet Uzumaki Kakumyo..."
Author's Note: Okay... you confused? I am too, no worries. Some of these characters are random apparitions of my thoughts, others are just me being weird, and still more are stereotypes of time/dimension traveling Naruto. Yumeko's world is VERY AU; I basically made it as off-canon as I could, and Evil!Jiraiya, Kyuubi!Itachi, and Hokage!Orochimaru were essential. The reason Yumeko is the Nightmare Storm is because of her name – Namikaze is 'wave and wind' and 'discord' if I remember correctly, and yumeko is 'dream child' – and her specialties. She's genjutsu type, and her ninjutsu are lightning and water type.
As to Gay!Naruto and Uke!Naruto... just me making fun of the Naruto fandom. Besides, for a heterosexual female, I make way too many yuri jokes in my Naruto writings.
(1) Sorry, but I include enough yuri jokes in Imminence that I had to add a couple yaoi jokes in this... Besides, yaoi and yuri jokes are so canon to Naruto that it isn't even funny anymore.
(2) Ji-san is uncle, Jii-san is grandpa
(3) Shameless Plus Shameless Plus Shameless Plug
Mini Omake (REALLY mini)
Minato sighed as he started jotting down notes, already noting the way that Minako and Kakumyo were making eyes at one another.
It was time for another assassination for the sake of his sanity.